My Progress

I started this blog in March 2010 when I found out I was approved to move forward with Lap-Band surgery. I've always fancied myself a "writer" though I hate the pretension that usually comes along with that label. I've also never managed to keep a steady journal, blog, or website going for more than a few months (instead I've started many over the years and they've fizzled out.) But here you go, my latest attempt, and because it's an issue that's so important, I've really tried to keep up with it on a regular basis.

If you're interested in reading the whole story from the beginning, you should scroll down and start with the earliest posts, moving forward. Yes, I know you know how a blog works but my grandmother might visit this website too, you know!

I chose "Results Not Typical" because that's always the disclaimer you see on commercials for weight loss products and services. Well, I've never been typical in any sense of the word, so I'm hoping this time around is no different. I told myself when I started that I was going to excel at this (as I do with most things I put my mind to) and I'm happy to report that I already have. 15 months after my surgery, I am down 95 lbs. I truly cannot believe it, nor can I believe (or could I have imagined) the differences in my life.

I welcome comments by email or left here and hope to offer support to others.


Friday, November 11, 2011

Surgery day + 6 - 10

That whole writing daily thing? That went well, as you can see.

My 6th day post-tummy tuck was an amazing day. We went to the mall and I got my eyebrows threaded and then we walked around a bit more and despite by best intentions, I gave into the temptations to try on clothes. Well, once we rearranged all my drains and I tried on a new top and saw how amazing I looked, I had to get it of course.

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I got home with a couple of new things and tried them on for my dad. I was so happy with the way I looked that I started crying. It was kind of funny. I just couldn't contain all my emotions and I've never in my life cried with joy at how good I look. I mean, I've thought I looked pretty good in the past but this is different. This is like, holy shit! Every fantasy I've ever had about being able to wear clothes without rolls of fat and bulges where they aren't supposed to be has come true! How do you react to that if not by bursting into tears of joy? I am so grateful to God or the Universe, the Powers That Be, and everyone in between that I have been able to make it to this day. I never want to despise my body again. I never want to treat it badly, fill it with crap foods, abuse it with lack of sleep or water. I want to take care of myself now that I see what I want to see when I look in the mirror. I know that might sound messed up because we should all want to take that kind of care of ourselves regardless but I don't know...something just feels different. I still can't believe this silhouette is me. It's kind of like seeing a stranger in the mirror and that's weird!

Post op day 7 was as rough as day 6 was good. I was tired from the shopping the night before but somehow managed to stay up way later than I needed to. So I slept a lot on day 7. Also, I started feeling claustrophobic here at my dad's place and physically even though I mostly feel like my normal self again I can't do everything my normal self would so it's frustrating.

Post op day 8: I see my surgeon again. This was supposed to be a happy day because I just knew I'd be getting some drains removed. Been carrying around 5 little hand grenade sized plastic drains coming out of my body from every direction with tubes. Not only are they annoying but they are prohibitive to wearing nice clothes and have to be emptied several times daily. It's just gross and no fun all around. So when I saw my doctor and he only took out 1 (I was expecting 2 to come out) it made me feel quite a bit more down. He also started talking about my belly button and how it might not have survived. I had an umbilical hernia repair done at the same time of my TT and the loss of blood supply to the tissues might have damaged them beyond repair. He said he thought it would pull through but it looked pretty nasty. When asked by my mom, I told her that my belly button looked like a portal to hell that was ready to swallow up the rest of the world. It's that gross and black. So I left my surgeon's office not feeling very well at all. I felt like I could have just started crying on the spot but I waited till I was home to let a few tears out. It wasn't bad. Just enough to do whatever that magical thing crying does for a woman. I felt better. I kept telling myself that it would all be better soon, I'll be healed before I know it, and at least I got one drain out which served not only to eliminate one of the five annoying things hanging off me but also allayed my fears about the drain removal itself. Turns out it barely felt like anything and I'd been worried about the discomfort involved in that.

Post op day 9 started out really well. My dad and stepmom took me out to lunch with an elderly relative who I like and we had a good meal and a good time. Unfortunately I had only eaten a protein shake for breakfast and my salmon lunch filled me up very quickly (more so than normal, maybe 2oz of meat.) So when my stepmom took my to Macy's after lunch for some shopping that I thought I was up for, my body said otherwise. I was almost immediately in a bad mood and it wasn't helped by the idiocy of a few salespeople. My stepmom was really gung ho about me getting some leggings and tall boots and a sweater kind of outfit. We took everything to the dressing room but I was just really uncomfortable physically and didn't even want to try it all on. The drains were always in the way and I was starting to hurt and most of all, I felt extremely fat which I know is cause I'm still swollen but it just wasn't a good combination. I still wanted to get the items though and my motto is "you can always return it." When we got home and after drinking some water, I was definitely feeling better so I tried everything on together again. The privacy of my own room helps in terms of rearranging all the drains and I was able to get a good idea of how the clothes would look. So, yes, my stepmom was right. And when it comes to fashion she rarely is wrong. I also got everything on a great sale and my dad pitched in a little. So even though the shopping experience wasn't the greatest, the results are happy. I came home and lounged till it was dinner time and then went to bed at a decent hour. Good thing I did since I'd get woken up before 8 by a phone call...

Post op day 10 began with my phone ringing. I thought I must have slept till noon cause people don't tend to call me early. It was my surgeon's office calling to ask about my belly button (how sweet!) I told them I wasn't sure there was any improvement, it still looked pretty nasty to me. They asked if I wanted to come in and of course I did because it occurred to me that a couple of the drains might have made enough progress to be removed before the weekend. As it turns out, I was right and I am the proud owner of only TWO drains now. In other good news, the belly button isn't as bad as I thought. It still looks nasty but the doctor things it's "not dead yet" and still has a chance. He's got me doing antibiotic ointment, saline dressings, and a heavier antibiotic than I was previously on, all to keep up hope for my poor belly button.

Today has gone very well. I haven't done much but I'm still tired - a sure sign that I need to go to bed early tonight. I have lots of plans for the weekend with family and I see my doctor again on Monday. I am hoping he will take out one more drain then but I know it might be expecting too much. I am resigned to take things as slow as needed to heal properly but I really miss home (had a lot of homesick sadness on day 7) and as soon as the drains are all out I can fly back. I will have to come back for a followup a couple of weeks later but I'd rather pay another ticket than stay for an extra 2 weeks where I hardly know anyone and am away from my partner, dog, horse, friends, and job.

Going out to dinner in a few minutes with my uncle and cousin. Wearing one of my new outfits for the first time.

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Sunday, November 6, 2011

Surgery day + 5

Today was amazing. I felt energy and strength like I haven't since before surgery and I put on a pair of old size 14 jeggings that fit and buttoned over all my swelling and garments so I could actually go out looking like a normal person instead of an unemployed sweatpants wearing slob. Sorry to anyone out there who is actually unemployed and wears sweatpants. Just not being able to wear normal clothes for the past 5 days has been getting me down and making me feel like a bum.

The day started off well when I tore off all of my binding garments and actually took some pictures of my new body because until I saw it, I wasn't sure it was really there. I know it still looks awful now cause I'm swollen and bruised and have Frankenstein looking stitches all over me but I can finally see the future instead of only seeing the past when I look at myself in the mirror. In my jeans, I noticed every time I saw myself in a mirror today that I really do have a small hour-glass shape going on where my body narrows at the waist and widens at the hips. Amazing! It is the first time in my life!

Also good today was time spent with my grandmother, my great aunt, my little cousin, and grandfather. I got a manicure and the Vietnamese guy doing my nails flirted with me. "Your arms are strong" he said while massaging my hands. "Yeah, I lift weights" I told him. "I bet your arms look good when you lift weights" He said in almost incomprehensible English. "Hmmm...yeah, I guess." Was the only thing I could imagine was an appropriate response. "I could teach you kung fu." He said. "I'm only in town for a week and I just got out of the hospital so I can't." I told him. Hmm... there's a pick up line if I ever heard one. Good on him for trying though!

On the downside, 2 meals with my grandparents is enough to remind me why I ended up 273 lbs to begin with. I am really proud of myself for both staying calm and cheerful throughout dinner and eating only what I needed to and not letting the pressure get to me. So what is this mealtime nightmare you ask?

Let's start with lunch. I arrive at my grandmother's to find her and my great-aunt ready to sit down to eat. There are bowls of "salad from a bag" and several dressings on the table (all of them fat free) and she is heating up the main course. The salad, while I'm not complaining about it being from a bag, was just not the good quality lettuce I'm used to. It was something to the effect of iceberg with shredded carrots. Not even worth me eating and taking up room in my tiny stomach. I poured some dressing on and poked around with it to be polite. Lucky for me, I'm on the looser side with my band and eating some lettuce wasn't the meal-ruiner it used to be.

On to the main course... Turns out lunch was a) leftover rotisserie chicken, b) a Healthy choice pot roast/baked potato/carrots/apple tart frozen dinner c) some collard greens, d) some tomatoes and okra, e) dinner rolls. We were encouraged to take a bit of everything. And when I say encouraged, it was quite a montage of "Do you want some of ___, can you eat ___?, are you sure you don't want some ____, come on, have some ___" I took what looked like the moistest part of the chicken and a teaspoon of each "vegetable" just to taste a bite. I ended up being quite satisfied with my chicken on a dinner roll, so I can't complain about the quality of lunch. It was just odd. Especially considering we were supposed to go out to some nice ethnic food festival thing but my grandmother decided against it because they probably wouldn't have anything that was "on her diet." Yes, at 74 she is still watching her weight. Really, all in all, lunch wasn't that bad. The conversation was nice and I enjoy socializing with my grandmother and aunt. It was dinner that turned more ugly than I would ever show on the outside.

My little cousin (5 years younger) arrived just before 6 and we decided to go to our favorite place which is Thai but also serves sushi. It's a place I could eat at every night when I'm visiting home and never tire of. In all the different places I've lived I haven't found a restaurant that quite compares. Good thing my grandparents like it to so asking to go there is never a hard sell. But one dinner with them brings back all these emotions and memories of growing up this way and it's somewhat disturbing to recount.

To start, we walk in and I immediately excused myself to the restroom while the other 3 were seated. I have been drinking a lot of water, as always, so constantly in need. Plus, sitting down and being able to mess with my drains is always helpful so I take care of that. By the time I returned to the table I found they had already ordered appetizers. Some vegetarian spring rolls (called "egg rolls" by my grandparents) and edamame (which they called "wasabis" - yes plural). They had ordered the edamame without salt which usually comes on the outside of it for flavor, understandable and not too crazy of a request. My cousin and I decided to split 3 sushi rolls between the 2 of us (oh, I should mention she is banded too) and my grandparents ordered a fountain of wonton soup and a rack of lamb to split. From this moment on, as food started arriving, the table was an overcrowded 3-ring circus of food induced chaos. My grandfather: the ringmaster. Divvying up portions to everyone and helping himself to anything he found appealing no matter whose plate it was on.

The spring rolls and edamame arrived first: 3 spring rolls cut into 2 pieces each. I watched in a bit of horror (truth be told) as he took one of the halves to his small appetizer plate, dumped the entire bowl of sweet-chili dipping sauce on top of it, and attacked it with a knife and fork. I'm not kidding. Attacked it! It was barbaric and I felt sorry for the poor spring roll. The speed at which he did this allowed no other person at the table an opportunity to partake in the dipping sauce or even savor the aesthetic appeal of 3 symmetrical spring rolls on a plate. I felt cheated in a weird way. One of my first thoughts was, "Hey, I like that sauce...I might have actually wanted to use some." Alternately with, "What a pig!" and "Seriously? Am I seeing this? What normal person acts like that?" And then I just found myself laughing at myself and feeling silly. I no more need a spring roll or dipping sauce than I need another hole in my head. But it was an interesting observation that merely eating in the presence of someone so aggressive with his food made me want to be faster and more greedy than I ever am under normal circumstances.

Next, the soup came out. We thought it was only for 2 but turned out to be about 5 bowls worth. The waitress brought us each a bowl and my grandfather portioned out some for himself and my grandmother. My cousin went next. I really didn't care for soup but I took a ladle of the broth and a wonton because honestly, it's easier than protesting that I didn't want any. Saying you don't want something in this family is somehow insulting even while wanting to eat something is usually frowned upon. It's a paradox I will never understand. My grandmother has a specific habit of commenting on the health of any food she may be eating, probably to not make herself feel so bad about it. So during the soup portion of the meal we got to hear about how light and healthy the broth was and how it was filled with cabbage and she should add more cabbage to her own broths because it's so healthy. I zoned out for a few minutes while everyone enjoyed (I assume) their soup.

Before we had even finished (ok, before I had finished) our soup, the main course arrived. Rack of lamb with a towering pile of fried rice for my grandparents and 2 plates of sushi (1 roll and 2 rolls accordingly) for myself and my cousin. I took 8 pieces total, knowing I could eat about 6, and left the other 14 for her, knowing my grandfather would likely poach off one of the rolls that didn't contain raw fish. He did, but only one piece which actually surprised me. Let me just say that I enjoyed my sushi immensely. I ate as slowly as I could and chewed it to oblivion which I have come to enjoy doing over my nearly 2 years since banding. I ate 5 of my 8 pieces and knew I'd have to take the rest home. While I tried to be in my own zen place and really enjoy the food to the fullest extent (and succeeded for the most part) I couldn't help but notice my grandfather's behavior from start to finish of his meal. For one thing, he eyed my cousin with a disapproving scowl nearly the whole time. He once in a while smiled at me. I wonder if this had anything to do with his earlier remarks about not recognizing me, me being only a "shadow of what I used to be", saying how great he thought I looked, and asking if my dad was happy with my new body (umm...inappropriate much?) I can only speculate. I don't know. My poor cousin does hear it from family members who compare us against each other since I lost a good deal more than her from my banding. She looks great and happy and I think she is beautiful and doesn't need to change a thing unless she wants to. I think her band will help her maintain her weight for life if she doesn't want to lose more and that's a real gift in and of itself. But anyway, I stray... Back to the meal. As soon as his plate came - oh well actually, as soon as the waitress brought 2 other plates to eat off of, and another trip to the kitchen for serving utensils, - my grandfather attacked the dish with a military-like precision. He gave my grandmother her portion of lamb and rice and then started doing his own. What I noticed throughout the rest of the meal is that he continued to come back to the large serving plate for more bits of this or that while my grandmother picked slowly at what was on her plate. I am not saying he didn't give her adequate food. No, there was just this authoritarian air that made me uncomfortable. I forgot that as soon as our sushi arrived he also started asking (well, that's putting it politely) for a piece of the roll without the raw fish.)

Now here is the most significant takeaway from the meal for me. I am normally very unattached to food. In my everyday life it's just food. I can take or leave most anything and always offer my friends and guests the "best" pieces because honestly, I can't eat so much anyway and I want them to enjoy it. Since getting banded, I tend to pick off other people's plates, take the scraps they don't want rather than wasting money to get myself a full dish (everyone is cool with this or I wouldn't do it.) So in general I'm just not possessive over food. But I wasn't always this way. It's been so long since I was I'd nearly forgotten but tonight a long buried instinct came flooding back. When our sushi arrived I split it between my cousin and I (not evenly, as I knew I couldn't eat as much as she could and didn't want to appear glutinous) but nonetheless I took what I wanted and made sure it was clearly "mine" as soon as possible. I silently begged my grandfather not to start taking any of "my" sushi even though as I already said, I had 3 more pieces than I was capable of eating. I fought myself the entire meal to eat slowly and carefully and not gulp it down out of fear of it being taken away from me should I not eat fast enough. The fact that that was actually a fear in my mind I had to fight against is truly messed up! I realized... this is why food became more than food to me. Food was such an implement of control in my childhood that no wonder I (a control freak) hoarded it, sneaked it, assigned value above and beyond what it did for me biologically to it. And I also realized that in this game, "winning" meant keeping what was "mine" despite the efforts of others to take it away. Eating all "my" food just to spite the person across the table who told me I shouldn't. Wow, how profound. How f-ed up! I hope I can continue to move towards a healthy and loving relationship with food as something of nourishment and enjoyment but not something to be controlled or used to control others. I am very proud of myself for being able to do so tonight despite being in a situation that brought out the opposite in me. Despite it all, I ate only what I actually wanted to eat and stopped when I was satisfied despite the urge to go further if only to insure it would be mine. It's such a drastic difference from how I normally am and how I am when surrounded by people for whom food is simply food and there's no need to go into predator mode to make sure I get my fair share. Now that I can see this for what it is, I think I will have an easier time controlling this behavioral urge in the future.

Anyway, the night ended fine. I got dropped back at my dad's house after dinner and have been relaxing online and writing since then. Writing is so therapeutic, I'm happy I could get this all out before it's time for another pain killer (which means sleep!)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Surgery day +4

I slept in this morning after quite an active day yesterday. You know what really sucks? The most painful thing I'm feeling is in my lower back from having to walk hunched over everywhere! I mean seriously! I just had major surgery and my sore muscles from the position I have to be in are what's bothering me? Arg...

Tomorrow I am going out to lunch with my grandmother and great-aunt/uncle. I know from yesterday that even my normally very loose size 12 jeans won't fit because of all the swelling and extra stuff I have around me. If I had any sense, I would ask to go out and get some stretchy jeans but I guess I'm going to tough it out and either wear sweat pants or just wear the jeans like I did yesterday, unbuttoned.

One really strange thing is that my appetite hasn't come back yet. I've been trying to get in enough protein bars and shakes so I'm nutritionally sound. Supplementing that with chicken soup and fruit when I feel like eating anything at all. Tonight I am planning on trying some ice cream that we bought. How could I not want ice cream?

I cannot wait to feel back to normal and have the energy to run around and do things. I miss being active and I miss being able to stretch out on the bed and feel all of my muscles instead of being squished on a recliner. But the recliner is very comfortable so it could be much worse if I didn't have it.

I am very ambitious but hoping that I will be able to get a few drains removed on Wednesday at my next post-op appointment. These things are so annoying. I guess I'm just feeling overall annoyed at the moment! Haha. That's what happens after a few days of recovery. I can see myself getting into trouble soon on online forums where I will start to cuss people out.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Surgery day +3

I woke up early this morning, afraid it was the middle of the night, but it was actually 6am. For the first time, cause I had no choice, I got out of my recliner by myself and went to the bathroom! Knowing now that I can get out of the recliner alone without too much trouble is a big relief. After the bathroom I decided to take 1 full loritab to get me back to sleep and pre-load me with some pain killer for the 8am drive to the doctor's office. I had a follow up appointment at 9am which went very well. I only wish he had wanted to remove 2 of my drains but he'll do that on Wednesday when I see him next. The car ride was easier than I anticipated... in fact everything has really been easier than I anticipated so far. At the office, the surgeon and his 2 assistants were very vocal about their pleasure with my results and me healing so far. I can't wait till I have some legitimate before/after pics to show but everything right now is still too gruesome and swollen to consider "after." But we can all see the potential for what it's going to be. I know I'm going to be so happy in a couple of months when all the swelling is down and I can wear my size 10 pants without a big bulge coming over the top. I can't help but think this surgery is going to change my life more than the first one did. Probably equally so.

Anyway, there isn't a whole lot to report about today except that things are going well. My drains are draining, I'm walking hunched over but without pain, I went to costco and whole foods and took a few car rides and now I'm back at my dad's house enjoying some chicken soup and thinking about a nap. I've also not taken any more loritab since 6am. I've done advil a couple of times since then but it would be so awesome not to be on narcotics except maybe to help me sleep comfortably through the night for a few days still.

I'm not bored yet, amazingly. Between talking to people online, web browsing, reading, tv, and sleeping, I am just enjoying being off work and being taken care of. I think yesterday was a real turning point for me in the healing and I know I'll say this over and over again but it's only going to get better from here.

I don't think I'll be riding a bike at day 6 like I was last time but I'll be up and at'em as soon as I can be.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Surgery day +2

I am sitting at my old room at my dad's house, in a comfy recliner, with tv and internet. I cannot complain. I've got pain pills that do their job and people taking care of me. I am very lucky indeed! The past couple of days have been rough - my surgery had me under the knife for 8 hours! A lot more than I had anticipated. But hopefully the results will really be worth it. In addition to the abdominoplasty (tummy tuck) I was expecting, I also had a small umbilical hernia repair done and at the last minute consultation with my surgeon, he suggested excising some skin from my upper chest area. I.e. my "side boobs" are now gone! I have only a preliminary picture of how my abdomen looks from the first time the surgeon removed the binding to change dressings. I certainly cannot believe it's actually me.

I would love to write about the whole experience but there isn't that much to tell. Got to the hospital at 6am on Tuesday and left around 6pm on Wednesday. That whole time is just a blur and I'm amazed it went as smoothly as it did. I credit a lot of that to my friends and family keeping me in their thoughts and prayers. I felt very surrounded by love and that does make a difference.

Now I am just lounging around trying to stay comfortable. The binders are TIGHT and can be a little hard to breathe. I ordered 2 from a site called makemeheal.com and am hoping to try out the zippered one later today and see if it's as comfortable as the reviews of it claim while still giving the amount of compression I need.

The most annoying thing so far is probably these drains. Ick! I am doing better than I thought though. Dealing with my own fluids isn't as bad as I had imagined. And I'm not draining all that much which is supposedly a good thing.

Here is the picture, it's a very preliminary one and I'm sure I'll have more and better ones tomorrow.



It doesn't look like much but to anyone who's known me and my bulging belly this is quite a difference!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

T-Minus 31 and counting

T as in Tummy Tuck.

Yes, I've been absent from writing on here for a while. I need to go back and finish the posts where this idea was brewing many, many months ago. But for now the best I can manage is just to start fresh in the present moment and tell it as it's happening.

So here I am in my "five star hotel" also known as Dad's house and in about 31 hours I will be getting sedated and rolled into what I hope to be the last surgery I need or want for a very long time.

I have come a really long way in the past couple of years but what hasn't come very far is my self image, and not for lack of trying, but due to my cursed midsection that won't go away or shrink any further regardless of what I do. Sorry belly but you've got to go. I never thought I'd want plastic surgery and definitely never thought I'd be able to afford it. But an ironic turn of events over the summer left me with a pile of money I wasn't expecting (in the form of severance pay from a job that eliminated my position - don't worry, I found a new on immediately) so all of a sudden, the idea of getting rid of this last troublesome spot that irks me endlessly became a reality.

Of course, that's only half the story. To actually be able to afford it I soon found out I'd either have to do some medical tourism to Mexico or use my mom's first cousin in Alabama who is a very well regarded plastic surgeon...it just so happens Alabama pricing is a lot less than the Mid-atlantic region. Problem solved! Some people might think it's weird to have a cousin operating on them but not me. He's a great surgeon and I get the perk of being home in Alabama, seeing family I never get to see, and I think recuperating away from home is kind of cool even if it's not Mexico.

I'll be down here for 3 weeks or if everything goes extremely well and they can take out my drains a little earlier, just over 2. Tomorrow is my pre-op testing and consultation and then Tuesday 5am I check into the hospital. I assume my surgery is around 7am.

There is so much I could write about having this procedure, what it means to me, how far I feel I've come and how this is the final step in the process I started years ago. But I'm kind of tired and I know I'll have lots of time sitting in bed in the next few weeks. So for now I'm going to savor my 2nd to last night of not being in pain. Hopefully it'll be just like last time and get easier every day post op.

I'll keep writing when there's anything to tell, assuming I have time and energy.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Finally back in the green zone

Sometimes I truly am my own worst enemy.

Despite telling myself I would never do this and jeopardize my health (and luck with the band) I found out recently that I have been living in a too-tight place known to my doctor as "the red zone" where the amount I can eat it so little that it leads me to maladaptive eating behavior. I had started thinking this might be the case months ago but always had a reason why it wasn't true. You know, I take too big of bites, I eat too quickly, I eat past the point of satisfaction. Those things may have been true once in a while but the more common truth of the matter was that I could physically manage to eat so little in the mornings, and even till about 3pm, that 1) I found myself extremely hungry most of the day even with the physical inability to consume anything else; 2) I found it impossible to resist foods I knew would go down more easily in favor of the better/healthier foods; and 3) by the time my band loosened up in the late afternoon, I had thrown all caution to the wind and would eat whatever I could manage. Yes, my 2 week experiment on medifast helped keep this under control a bit but I did have a very hard time keeping to that plan even for a day.

The number of times I would get stuck and end up regurgitating had been steadily once or twice a week for about 4 weeks when I decided I'd had enough. Sure the fear of being able to eat more and gain more weight was in my mind but rationally I knew that I couldn't keep living like that. So I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. A on 8/19 and I had made up my mind that I would ask for a small unfill.

When he asked me if I was having problems I replied, honestly, that I haven't been able to eat a wide variety of foods. That fruits and vegetables give me a hard time and that I want to be looser so I can make better food choices. He was fine with this and took out .5 CC, I believe. So now I'm back to 4.75 instead of 5.25 and it's been a world of difference!

A few days after my unfill, I wrote this post to my lapband forum friends on oh.com.

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Have any of you ever been so tight that you can simultaneously feel very physically hungry and physically unable to eat another bite? What did you do? Did you resort to foods you knew would go down easier?

I have to give a shout out to Jean for encouraging me to get a small unfill, which I finally did last Friday. I had been on the fence about it for months, to be honest. I have maintained my weight between 180-183 (a 90-93lb loss) since January of 2011 but the struggle has been one with myself to keep eating nutritiously even when the stuff I should be eating is the most difficult.

I've managed through sheer determination not to gain any weight but when I am honest with myself I have to admit I've been avoiding healthier foods in favor of ones easier to get down.

It really hit me when I regurgitated nearly every time I tried salad or fresh fruit but could eat an unlimited quantity of cupcakes...I really need to get this thing loosened.

It hasn't even been a week yet but I'm so happy I did! For the past few days I've been eating a wide variety of foods including fruits, and haven't had any PB/regurgitating/puking or even close. (This had become about a once a week occurance for me in the recent past.) All the slow and careful eating skills I've learned over the past 18 months are actually working and I'm not eating more than I should but I'm eating ENOUGH so I don't feel like I'm on the verge of passing out and go running for the first easy to eat food I can. It's an amazing feeling.

After living off 1200 calories a day, mostly because I couldn't eat much of anything till 3pm anyway, I am working on having a well rounded diet of 1600 a day with protein at every meal and snack. I hope not to gain weight (I really shouldn't since I burn about 2400 a day to the best I can calculate) but it'll be nice to just maintain in a healthy manner if that's all this allows.

One of the best things so far is being able to have eggs for breakfast and not be hungry 2 hours later!

Anyway, I wanted to share all of this because who knows if there are others out there going through the same thing. I thought for the last few months that the frustrations I was having were all my fault for not chewing well enough or eating slowly enough and I was afraid of going back to being pre-band hungry. But I still have 4.75ccs in my band (down from 5.25) and I'm remembering how easy it was to eat right and lose weight back when I was at this level previously.

Lesson learned! Don't be afraid to go to your doctor and get an unfill. If it doesn't make things better you can always go back. But being that tight is not what this is supposed to be like.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Shifting priorities and new decisions

It probably would do me good to re-read everything I've written here from the beginning. I know it would help me gain perspective and see how truly far I've come. At the moment, I feel pretty much like "I've lost 93 lbs and I've got nothing to show for it" which isn't TRUE but because the one aspect of my body that I most wanted to change through this whole process has changed the least, it feels true.

I've been talking to my therapist for months now about the idea of plastic surgery to fix my midsection. At first I thought I was really messed up about my body image and needed to learn to accept everything as it is. And I tried that. And I guess if I didn't have the capability to change things to make myself happier then I'd have to settle for that. But he asked me one night why I didn't just have the plastic surgery if the only thing I want to change about my body is so easily changeable. A routine tummy tuck. Hollywood housewives and everyone else for that matter do them all the time. I keep holding onto this belief that I can't have plastic surgery till I'm down at my lowest possible weight and also that I should be able to or even "can" lose more. Well, I'm starting to think that neither of those things may be true.

So, I haven't decided for sure yet but I'm starting to seriously consider it. It's really weird to imagine what my life, my body, and my perception of myself would be like minus the belly I've carried around my whole life. Weird, but a nice thing to imagine.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

2 week experiment: results

This was written on July 12 but oops... I kind of forgot to post it.

So the results are in and they are mixed. In numbers, not such a great ending as I remain steadily at 180.6 lbs. On the other hand, when I got back from my vacation on 6/28 I was back at 184 so being down is good. I would like to have lost any weight at all in the past week but I also didn't stick to the plan very well at all, so what do I expect?

The good news is my body fat % is still pretty low in terms of where it's been lately. 35.1 now and my eventual goal is to get it below 30 even if I don't lose any further weight.

After the results of the first week I'm kind of discouraged but still have enough medifast food to keep going. It's not an utter failure after all. Not been that hungry, been eating better and more nutritiously than in my pre-experiment life. Was able to get back down to 180 without the use of that godawful medication that blocks the opening of my stomach.

Monday, July 11, 2011

2 week experiment, days 12, 13, 14

Where did the weekend go? I guess I was having too much fun to write!

Well, Monday is over and tomorrow morning's weigh in will yield the results of my 2 week experiment. I don't have high hopes. Today I was 179.6 so I will be happy if I'm back down to last week's low of 179.4, even better if I'm a fraction of a pound below that but I'm not expecting it.

Here are the daily results from Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and today.

Friday:
1205 cal
113 carb
46 fat
103 protein
Exercise 100 calories

Saturday:
1333 cal
86 carb
72 fat
108 protein
Exercise: 873 calories

Sunday:
1240 calories
76 carbs
66 fat
100 protein
Exercise: 436

Monday:
1385 calories
111 carb
62 fat
117 carb
Exercise 52 calories

I keep telling myself that even losing 1lb, even 1/2 lb in a week is a good thing. It's just taking a bit of effort to not get discouraged over that slow of a loss when I am making such a point to eat well and exercise. But I have enough medifast food to last me 3 more weeks and maybe I'll be able to start sticking to it better than I have been. I certainly "should" only be getting about 800 calories a day on this plan but that just feels depressing to me.

Friday, July 8, 2011

2 week experiment, day 11

The good news: I woke up still at 181 this morning.

The bad news, I managed to find my hunger around 8:00 last night and it didn't stop till midnight. I think I'm onto something here. Not being able to eat earlier in the day always ends badly. I need to do something different (i.e. eat more earlier in the day.)

So I tracked as much as I could but once I got home I was really hungry and just started going for everything in sight. This was after I'd eaten a decent sized dinner and gotten myself a treat for dessert. So I am probably at about 2000 calories yesterday based on this.

Calories: 1567
Carbs: 135
Fat: 63
Protein: 116
exercise: 122 calories

Today hasn't been much better. Ok, so I've not been really hungry and have stuck to the meal plan for the most part but I just tried eating my first real food of the day (some chopped up chicken) and I PB'd it all over the place after a few bites. Motherfucker. I'm frustrated. Maybe I need to get fluid taken out of this damn band. I keep having these experiences and it doesn't help cause now all I want to do is go eat some chips that I know will go easily down. I have an appointment on 8/5 so I think if it hasn't resolved by then I will ask for an unfill...just a slight one. This would allow me to eat more earlier in the day and get more water in more easily. Right now I feel like I need to go back to all liquids cause my stomach feels so swollen. Crap.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

2 week experiment, days 9 and 10

Well, Tuesday morning the weigh in was great but I bounced right back to 181 and have stayed there for 2 days. Yesterday I worked out hard and I expected myself to be hungry today but I haven't been that much.

I missed posting yesterday so here are Tuesday's stats:

Calories: 1493
Carbs: 137 g
fat: 54 g
Protein: 137 g
Exercise: 418 calories

Then Wednesday:
Cal: 1410
Carbs: 92g
Fat:68g
Protein: 132g
Exercise: 496 calories

And so far so good today with feeling not hungry (except for a few times, which I've then become satisfied very quickly.)

Going out to dinner tonight with a friend and not sure where we're going or what it'll be like so it's a good thing I haven't been hungry. On the other hand, I should probably eat a MF bar before getting there.

I am keeping up the faith that there's NO WAY my body can actually hold onto fat when I'm eating so little and exercising so much. AND I'm giving it a crap load of protein so what's the deal? Not getting discouraged. It's an experiment after all so if it doesn't work then I know and don't continue but it defies all logic how if my body needs 1500 calories just to exist (!!! about 2300 to maintain my current body composition) and I'm netting around 1000 a day, how come I'm not losing 1/2 pound a day here. Oy, if someone could just figure all this out they'd be a millionaire.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

2 week experiment, day 8

The 2 week experiment is 50% over and so far it's been a brilliant success!

I got back from a weeklong vacation last Monday and weighed 184. Started the experiment on Tuesday and this morning I am 179.4. That's a loss of 4.6lbs. I really wasn't expecting something so dramatic but I am ecstatic that it's happened. And it gives me the motivation to keep going into week 2. I know I can't really expect this again but maybe 2.5 - 3lbs would be reasonable for week 2. Especially if I can stick a little more strictly to the plan. Adding in an extra protein shake when I'm working out hard is one thing but adding in other random stuff as has happened this week is not what I want. On the other hand, it obviously hasn't been detrimental. But I know I probably just got lucky this week and with a lot of exercise too.

So here are yesterday's stats:

Calories: 1195
Carbs: 82g
Fat: 60g
Protein: 101g
Exercise: 546 calories burned

Of course this first week is generally the "water weight" so I haven't actually started losing fat yet. Hoping to see some of that in the next week's results. I've had a pair of pants that "almost" fit since I bought them last November. I always thought if I could get down to 170 they'd probably fit fine. Guess I'll find out!

In terms of larger goals... mine is to be at 165 by September 6th which is 9 weeks from now. I only have to average 1.5 lbs per week to make it. I feel very optimistic but both uncertain and a bit scared. Today's weight is pretty much my lowest. If it lasts more than a day it definitely counts (as up till now I've hit 179 or 178 on the scale for a day but then bounced right back up.) It's scary being in new territory again. Exciting though! I had sort of given up on that and forgotten the thrill of moving down through the numbers and sizes. If I can get to the 160s, or even high 150s, then I will seriously consider spending the money for the plastic surgery to get rid of the midsection that's haunted me forever.

Monday, July 4, 2011

2 week experiment, day 7

Yesterday was a big win! I finished out the day with the following nutrition stats:

Calories: 1046
Carb: 78g
Fat: 71g
Protein: 103g

Unfortunately I didn't drink as much water as I needed to but I'm trying to make up for that today. It's just tough to drink when I'm feeling restriction like I have been since waking up a couple of hours ago.

So Monday has generally been my weigh-in day (for the official count) but last week we were camping still on Monday so I started my experiment on Tuesday and thus my first week isn't really complete till tomorrow morning.

But for the sake of consistency, I did weigh in this morning and was amazed to be back at 180.6. When I got home from camping I was 184 (which is basically where I had been for the past couple of months) so it definitely feels good to be back down at 180. I am looking forward to reporting a week from tomorrow that I am somewhere in the 170s for real and not due to working out hard or being dehydrated.

I'd have to say that at 1 week into the experiment, it's working! Which makes me very happy. And it hasn't been that hard AND I even had one major off plan day.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

2 week experiment, days 5 and 6

Day 5 was a total loss. I was not even on plan for a fraction of it but we had a July 4th (or...2nd) cookout to go to. The good news is I drank my water, minimized the damage, got rid of the trail mix, and got right back on board this morning.

In fact, day 6 has been quite remarkable. It's 7pm and so far I've only had 506 calories. I've been busy doing stuff all day and just didn't have a lot of time to eat but these 506 calories have been high quality ones. 55 grams of protein so far. I use myfitnesspal.com to track my food and nutrients and it's kind of weird that they think I only need 45g of protein each day. Who came up with that? My surgeon wants me to have 60 at minimum and I've been getting over 100 and actually feeling really good lately. So myfitness pal is a great little tool but it needs to be able to customize how much of each nutrient I actually want per day.

I'll have to update tomorrow with the actual values I ended up with. I am projecting 956 calories.

Friday, July 1, 2011

2 week experiment, day 4

Ok, so day 3 sucked. I was more hungry than I have been in ages but that's mostly due to my band being looser (time of month over with) and I was recovering from a hard workout the day before. Maybe I should follow the plan more closely including no exercise the first 2 weeks but I just don't think that's possible - or good for me. I don't need to lose 5 lbs a week, 2 would be really great. Even 1 would be reasonable. But I need to keep exercising cause it helps with my stress.

But anyway, yeah. Day 3 was a bitch. It started off fine - I'm always tight in the morning and feel like I'm going to be full on protein shakes all day long. That normally changes around 2pm. I ate way more than I should have yesterday but the good news is I didn't go for junk (for the most part.) I had a couple of bites of things at work I shouldn't have and I indulged in some more of that trail mix that I had a few bites of the night before. It's like my late night munchy fix but it's got to stop. The trail mix is going to the barn tomorrow for the July 4th BBQ.

Still, even with all my cheats, I clocked in at 1774 calories. Here's the daily breakdown:

1774 calories
139g carb
88g fat
132g protein

I held steady at 182.8 this morning and I will be really happy if I get 1 more lb gone by Tuesday AM at my 1 week mark.

In terms of today, it's shaping up to be pretty good. I have been up since 6:40, worked out this morning, got into work earlier than normal, and plan on leaving a little early to go to dinner and a show tonight. I have started the day with a homemade protein shake (100cal/18g protein) which I am getting into the habit of doing on top of my 5+1 medifast meals on days I workout. Had a great time this morning at the gym and did some of the same things the trainer showed me from Wednesday. Hopefully I'll be better at some of the stuff by next Wed. if I can get a couple more practices in. He's having me do some stuff I've never done before with an inflatable ball.

At the moment, just trying to drink as much water as I can (by the way, I learned I sweat about 32oz per hour, interesting, huh?) and I'm pondering what to eat for my first food of the day. Oatmeal? or a bar?

Thursday, June 30, 2011

FOOD!

OMG. I am so hungry for the first time in days. I think it's a combination of my TOM (time of month) being over (I'm always tighter during that) and having worked out really hard yesterday. My body is like NOM NOM NOM. I am blowing through the medifast food and I didn't add in an extra protein shake this morning because I wasn't planning on working out today. Already drank 64 oz of water, I'll definitely try to get more in before tonight and I have gotten 100 grams of protein already. The good news is, I haven't strayed too far and am still within my calories especially if I can make myself jump rope or something tonight at home. The bad news is I've gone for the junk. Work keeps a huge stash. I ate 1 miniature Mr. Goodbar and 1/2 of a miniature donut. Total about 80 calories. I did walk today for 30 minutes already on my way to lunch and back so technically I walked off the extra calories but I hate that I caved in and ate sugar again. Just plain, no good, empty calorie sugar. Really frustrated with myself that I can't STICK to a freaking diet plan for more than a day. And now, in the middle of my "oatmeal" I feel like I'm going to puke cause I ate it too quickly. Dammit, I broke the rule that was working for me so well. To keep eating on schedule even when I'm not really "hungry" cause it keeps me from getting this way (eating fast and pukish.)

Well, at least the work day is almost over and I have 2 MF meals and still some lean/green left to use today.

2 week experiment, day 3

Yesterday was great. I do not understand it but between the band and the medifast food I am eating under 1300 calories, exercising off 300+ and not hungry. WTF?? If I can stick with this for a couple of weeks or a month even, I am going to be doing really well. That is, if the experiment succeeds and I actually lose weight. Still not sure but then again I wasn't sure about any of this to begin with and here I am 95 lbs later. I keep reminding myself "If you work the plan, the plan will work for you." Just repeat, repeat, repeat.

I had my first session with a personal trainer last night after work. I'll be with him for the next 3 Wednesdays and then workout on my own 4 more times per week. If the results are good I may keep going with him for a little longer even though it's not an expense I want to have.

So here is my food breakdown for day 2:
Calories: 1293
Carbs: 103g
Fat: 65g
Protein: 100g
Exercise: burned 370

The elevated fat and carbs are certainly due to a late night attack of the munchies. I had some trail mix in the house. Nuts, raisins, M&Ms... this was leftover from camp and I should have just taken it to work but with 400-something calories left to spend yesterday I figured 1 serving of it wasn't going to kill me. And it didn't. I woke up today at a lower scale number than I've seen in a while. The 179 on my ticker isn't exactly accurate. I've been holding steady around 184 for a while. I was stuck at 180 for a bit and then I think my eating habits deteriorated with the start of summer and Rita's Water Ice season.

As of today 182.8. Can't wait to see what the official loss is when I weigh on Tuesday which will be a week after starting. It would be so awesome to actually get into the lower 170s which would be new territory once again. So tired of seeing the same numbers bouncing up and down and no real losses.

But the good news is, I think I'm back in the zone. That's my mental place where nothing can stop me. Crappy food in the fridge and cupboards here at work be damned!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

2 week experiment, day 2

Well, day 1 on medifast was a hell of a lot more pleasant than day 1 on liquids!

I did not stick to the plan entirely but the good news is I didn't eat anything that was inherently off plan, just needed a little extra. I start my day with my own protein shake that is 100 calories and 18 grams of protein. I did 4 medifast "meals" during the day and split my 1 "lean and green" into lunch and dinner since my banded stomach can't do 7oz of meat and 3 cups of vegetables at once! In the late afternoon between lunch and dinner I was really hungry so I had a tablespoon of peanut butter, which is allowed. Then when I got home really late last night I made my last medifast meal (peanut butter flavored "soft serve" which was surprisingly good!) I was trying to go to sleep but my stomach was growling so I had a tablespoon of almond butter. Total calories: 1328. Burned 332 in exercise from the barn. So I netted 996.

Day 1 breakdown of nutrients is as follows:

Calories: 1328 (996 net)
Carbs: 94
Fat: 61
Protein: 124
Water: >70 oz

I think the huge amount of protein definitely helped me not feel hungry. I am a daily weigher and did not have any change between yesterday and this morning but I only "count" my weekly weigh-ins so I am definitely going to give the plan a chance. This is so much better quality (and less volume) than I have been eating that I know it's got to make a difference.

Today is going well so far and I have my first session with the personal trainer at the gym tonight. My goal is to be at 173 on my doctor's scale by 8/5 (if I even end up going in to get a fill - I may not need it.) That would be 100 lbs according to his scale and that would make me feel really great. I know I could lose more quickly if I didn't add in an extra protein shake but I think most people doing this plan are not exercising this intensely and I know if I don't get it I will be hungry. I'm willing to see how it goes for 2 weeks and re-evaluate. But so far so good. I think if I can keep up this level of calories, protein, carbs, and fats and amp up my exercise a bit more I'll really be making progress.

I'm just really happy to report the lack of hunger. I have been trying really hard lately to recognize the difference between hunger and thirst. I really like that everything on MF is portioned out and with my band the portions actually seem like plenty. I can only imagine what it must feel like to un-banded people not used to eating this tiny amount of food. Well, I did do MF pre-band when I was 20 I think. I lost 17 lbs in a month but I couldn't keep it up. The food has definitely improved in quality since then. Even more so since my mom did it when I was a kid and the food was literally all just shakes and broth.

I'm actually so happy with the plan that I'm considering buying more food but I think I should wait another week just to make sure I'm going to want to stick with it longer term. Slowly learning which foods are better than others but so far I kind of like everything.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

2 week experiment, day 1

Hello everyone. Miss me? I know it's been a while since I've posted with any regularity. I'm making a commitment to post once per day now for 2 weeks along with this new experiment I'm trying. It's in the name of science, I swear!

For those that know me in real life, you already know this. For those that don't, I've been coasting along, "maintaining" my weight in the 180-185 range since the beginning of the year. I saw 178 on the scale once but I think I was actually just dehydrated.

I have been making poor food choices most of the time and I know I have really good restriction but I'm just being lazy about it and eating things that are "easier" like chips, cookies, and cupcakes. Did I mention cupcakes? Damn there are a lot of cupcakes around everywhere all the time.

I might could use a slight fill but I think I'll postpone that for 2 weeks to really give this new eating plan a chance to work. I've also been really committed to exercise lately and if I hadn't just gone on a 6 day vacation I would have been able to say I'd exercised at least 20 minutes per day for a month straight with only a few "rest" days.

I joined a new gym that's right behind my office building and I LOVE it because there's a hot tub I can relax in after working out. So I get 4 free personal training sessions for joining and I'm going to use them once a week for the next 4 weeks. I fully intend for this experiment to go on for at least 4 weeks but I know I can do 2 so I'm starting there.

So what IS this experiment, you're wondering? It's not really that experimental but it sort of is for me. I am going to be following the medifast plan where almost everything I eat each day comes to me in the mail. With the exception of 7 ounces of lean protein and 3 cups of vegetables (which thanks to my band I need to split up into at least 2 meals per day instead of just 1) - everything I eat will be a prepackaged "just ad water" type meal. The great thing about doing this with the help of the band is I'm not going to suffer actual hunger. Now, just wanting other food. I'm sure that will be my biggest problem. But I've gotten to the point where I am tired of doing it on my own and making meal plans and deviating from them. I want something simple for at least a couple of weeks.

I did all liquids for 2 weeks before surgery so surely I can do this now. The food is actually really good. It's very low calorie, low fat, and high protein. It's not really "low carb" in the atkins sense but it's still less than half of what I think the normal low fat meal plans tend to prescribe in terms of carbs.

I have tried a few different big pushes to get these last 20-30 lbs off but mostly haven't been in the right place mentally. I think I'm there now and with the help of a new job/new routine, the new gym which is super convenient, and seeing several friends do medifast and really kick ass with it, I'm feeling like a winner.

That's the easy part. Now for the follow through. This is an experiment in a couple of different ways:

1. I am no longer taking metformin. This is a giant pill that even when chopped into smaller pieces has caused me to puke everything I eat after taking it (cause it blocks my stoma opening.) The pill helps my PCOS and also helps me lose weight but I just can't do it anymore. I should be to a low enough body fat percentage that I no longer need it or won't very soon. I can't keep taking it the rest of my life and now is as good a time as any to stop. No more puking. Seriously. And yes, I've tried grinding it into apple sauce or adding it to a protein shake and that's nearly as bad in terms of taste and texture and just having to eat something I really don't want just cause my pill is in it.

2. I have long since believed that my body will only lose weight with extremely low calories + high exercise or zero carbs. Any combination other than those 2 and it doesn't happen. The next 2 weeks will have me on a high protein plan with a decent amount of carbs, and doing moderate exercise (I plan to do at least 20 minutes of something intense 5 days a week but it will actually be more intense or longer durations several of those days...but still not over-doing it, just keeping up with my normal routine. So we'll see if this works at all.

Anyway, I'm extremely motivated at this very moment and I'm pretty good at sticking to plans when I make a commitment, so let's see how things go. Fingers crossed for next week's first weigh in. Would love to have lost 5lbs the first week like many people do. Some people lose more but I don't have that much left to lose.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Realizations and Body Acceptance

I've been feeling pretty good the past few weeks. I haven't lost any weight. I stopped attending WW meetings, which my therapist actually thinks is a good thing, and I've been not worrying about food, just eating what I want when I want. I'll admit it's left me with a less nutritious diet than when I'm really "working it" but luckily this has not lead to any weight gain. I bounce back and forth between 179-181 lbs but I am not stepping on the scale every day either. For the first time since I got my band I am not weighing every day. I've been too busy to do that, really!

I have come to a few realizations and they are helping me to be more at peace with what's going on in my body.

1. I do really enjoy being active, moving my body, yes-exercise. But I often fall into the trap of being too busy, tired, stressed, whatever that I ignore the importance of it. I have got to commit to exercise whether it's 30 minutes a day or an hour several times a week, I feel SO much better when I do. I make an effort to walk everywhere I can now, take the stairs 6 flights up whenever time allows at work, but I need to go back to what I was doing before. Um actually going to the gym! I feel less fit than I used to even though not gaining weight.

2. I am no longer "the fat person" and people don't see me that way. As much as I might feel like my identity is as a fat person and I still see my body that way a lot of the time, I am no longer the largest one in the room at any given time and I need to stop viewing myself that way because no one else does.

3. I am not built like the skinny bitches I work with. I work with a lot of very small framed people, 5 inches shorter and 50 lbs lighter than me, I feel like an amazon sometimes even though I'm only 5'7. I am a pretty athletic 180 lbs and would be an even more athletic 160 or 155 but I don't know what I'd look like (and maybe I don't need to know) at 130. On this front, I found an amazing site that made me start to think about the REALITY of my body compared to the fantasy. My fantasy was that at 180lbs I'd be firm, toned, and skinny. There are some people who look more like that than I do at my height and weight but there are others who don't. There are also people at my height and weight who wear smaller clothes than me AND larger. Seeing reality for reality, including the diversity of shapes and sizes that exist is really empowering for me.

4. I have more body and food issues than I realized. I eat when I'm not hungry because "I want to", because "it tastes good", because "I deserve it", because "it'll make me feel better", because "why not? it doesn't matter" ... those are the big ones. I continue eating after I'm satisfied because "it's there", because "I paid for it", because "I don't want it to go to waste" because "why not?"... I need to arm myself with reasons to counteract these ones so that I can break the habit of just eating mindlessly and eating things for no good reason. But how do I balance that against the belief that I should enjoy eating some of the time and should be allowed to eat things I want just because I want them SOMETIMES but not ALL the time. And how often is too often? I want my life to include parties, birthdays, vacations, nice dinners, and "just because" times when it's ok to eat stuff that tastes good with no nutritional value. I don't want to eliminate all joy in eating from my life but I need to find a good balance. It's also not that I don't enjoy the taste of things that are healthy too, it's just for some reason nothing seems to scratch that itch like the real junk.

5. I need to regain the belief in myself that I can "get there" - 180 was a HUGE goal for me. I built a lot of mental energy into thinking about that number, 180. And as if in response to that, my body has decided this is a good place to be. I want to now think of 155 as a good place to be and convince my body of that so that I just as easily land (and stay) there. Is that wrong? Should I focus more on the journey than the destination? I work best when I'm goal focused. But maybe a number isn't the best goal... but then again, it's very concrete and I like the certainty of knowing if I'm there or not. But having other goals would be good too. I'll start thinking about those later.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Obligatory 1 year post

Today is my 1 year anniversary of being banded. This time a year ago I was in the hospital and would have given my right arm for a drink of water. I don't have too much to say today but I feel like I should say something. I mean, it's been one year. I'll have to reflect on what this means.

By the numbers it's simple...

365 days
8 inches from my waist
95 lbs
Size 22/24 clothing to 10/12

I've also gained a lot non-numerically...
First 5K run
Success at rock climbing
Huge improvements in my horseback riding
So much more stamina and endurance than I realized I had
Finding strength to do really hard things
Learning to ask for help from friends and family (still not very good at it)
Learning to celebrate my successes

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Let's be honest for a minute

I am waaaay off track. I started off yesterday doing so well but dinner just ruined it for me. Well, that and all the after dinner snacks. Yesterday I consumed approximately 1626 calories, which provided 94 grams of protein, 178 grams of carbohydrates, and 55 grams of fat. My goal was to stay around 1300 calories so it was all that lowfat ice cream and the chocolate chip cookie that called my name that really pushed me over the top. And this morning I woke up +2 lbs! I know it's most likely just the weight of the food itself plus the fact that I drank 100oz of water yesterday but this is making me feel kind of bad. Why can't I go a single day without gorging on junk food? And why am I gaining weight on 1600 calories a day? The WW plan really doesn't work for me because it allows me to eat so much junk and still stay within their points values. I need to go back to just accounting for calories and making sure I hit 60+ grams of protein. And avoiding sugary and carby snacks. I go back to Dr. A in less than 2 weeks and he's going to see that I haven't lost any weight in the past month and hopefully give my band an adjustment that will help. I don't know what's going on. It's definitely in my head. I just seem to think that no matter what I eat it's not going to matter. I guess I don't believe I can lose this last 30 lbs so it's starting to feel like I did before surgery where I couldn't go one day without indulging in crap because "it didn't matter."

Well it does matter! What I eat IS going to make the difference between losing and gaining or just maintaining which would be ok too.

I am wearing my size 10 pants today for the first time. It feels amazing.

Monday, February 14, 2011

2 weeks on weight watchers...thing thing isn't working

I'm fighting the urge to be overly frustrated. I kind of knew it wouldn't work. Well, that's not being completely honest. I knew it wouldn't work if I followed the plan the way an un-banded person would. Not sure why but it's obvious that my body won't lose weight from just "eating healthy" but I shouldn't be surprised. If it would I never would have ended up banded in the first place.

So 2 weeks on WW and I "lost" 4 lbs the first week because their scale was fucked up and actually registered me as 4 lbs heavier than I should have been. So when I lost 4 the first week that was just a reflection of an accurate number. Then my 2nd week I gained 0.4. I am not surprised cause we had a party Saturday night and I spend my last 36 hours eating party foods even though I counted the points for them and had enough to do so. But I'm going back to band basics this week and counting calories along with points AND counting to make sure I'm getting enough protein in before I add any other extravagant stuff.

So far today I will have gotten in 58 grams of protein in 718 calories if I can eat everything I packed. I'm not that hungry and I've been trying to drink a lot of water too so it's kind of a struggle. That still gives me 591 to play with for my big valentines day dinner I'm planning which is going to be steak, potatoes, green beans, and apple turnovers. I should be able to eat all of this and stay within my daily WW points range but not sure if I'll stay under my goal of 1309 calories. Haven't been tracking calories for the 2 weeks since doing WW and that's probably been a mistake. My loseit app on the ipod is a real lifesaver for calories and accounting for protein to make sure I'm getting enough. I probably haven't been cause WW opens the door to fill my tiny stomach with carby things. I think I need to get a tattoo of "PROTEIN" on my arm or something. Actually, not a bad idea. Maybe a protein molecule to look kind of cool.

I also need to recommit to my exercise but I just have so little time in my day as it is! I went for a 4 mile (mostly) run with a friend on Saturday and it felt great. I can't wait for warmer weather and longer days. It's always easier to do this stuff when it's not freezing and dark.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I posted to the Weight Watchers message board

Feeling kind of down (constantly these days.) So I posted this. Of course no one at WW knows about my band. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and this is definitely going to be at the top of the list for conversation. Why am I being so negative?
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Hi Everyone,

I'm new here. I just joined WW at my office last week and even though according to the WW scale at the meetings I've lost 4 lbs in my first week, my scale at home has not moved. Scale calibration issues aside, I'm just feeling burned out and frustrated.

See, I've already lost 92 lbs going from 273 to 181. I just joined WW to try to give me some extra support to lose the last 30 that I need to but I'm feeling more discouraged than I ever have. I kind of feel like I did at the beginning of my weight loss when at 273 I felt like it was impossible to lose a single pound. I don't feel all that different than I did back then. I don't see my reflection differently even though I know I must have changed drastically. And I am SO tired of worrying and counting everything I eat. But I can't seem to relax or let up because I'm so worried that if I do I'll just wake up and have gained back 90 lbs.

I know my problem is ALL in my head. I need to start thinking positively and giving myself encouraging thoughts instead of criticism. Every time I see myself in the mirror I think how fat I still look and it's really getting me down. I am 5'7" and at 181 lbs should not feel like I am that huge, right?

Please help. I need encouragement from those who have been here.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Weight Watchers Day 1

So it finally started. I find myself back on the first "diet" I ever remember joining (I was 8 years old last time I did it with my mom.) I am hoping that by doing it again I can really stay committed to losing my last 30 lbs. No doubt I've come so far on my own with this band and I'm sure I could continue doing it but I don't want to take any chances. Plus, I've constantly been struggling throughout my time with the band between what is the right way to eat... low carb seems to make me drop weight the quickest and most reliably but it doesn't work in the longrun only because I really enjoy whole grains and should be able to have those "good carb" things once in a while without it throwing off my entire weight loss efforts. I also know I'm sugar sensitive so it's ok to avoid sugary and processed stuff most of the time but WW allows for and encourages treating yourself to stay motivated. So it seems too good to be true, right? I'm allotted 29 points according to my group leader who didn't input the calculations (just eyeballed me) but actually 31 according to the calculator. I'm probably on the cusp and will lose the 2 extra ones by next week but I may try to aim for 29 anyway. I've found 31 was not easy to eat all of today except that I'm ending my night with a 30-gram-protein shake both to finish off the unused points and as a treat cause it's my favorite new recipe (8oz 1% milk, 8 oz decaf hazelnut coffee, 1 scoop chocolate whey powder, ice) That makes a 20oz chocolate frappuccino and id 7 points in case you were wondering. Normally this is my breakfast (don't report me to the band police! I can't do enough solid food before noon to get a good protein start to my day.)

So here you go, my official review of WW and the Points Plus program (blech at the marketing scheme) as well as my WW@work program.

The good:

Convenient. It's right in my office building, once a week, for 45 minutes. You can't get any better than that and if it weren't for that, I wouldn't have joined. I live 5 minutes from a local WW chapter which is nice in case I ever miss a work meeting and need to get my meeting in but really, I know that if I joined an outside of work location I'd never go.

The program. It's definitely better than it used to be. Fruits and vegetables are unlimited and free so (I don't know about you) but it makes me want to try eating an apple or banana first and if I'm still hungry, go for a small amount of peanut butter or chocolate or something I really love rather than starting with the richer foods. It's great that WW finally got with the program and decided that a 100 calorie apple is in fact NOT the same to your body as a 100 calorie oreo pack! For crying out loud, it took them long enough! I'm super happy with the way foods are calculating out in the new points plus system and luckily I'm finding that most of what I already eat is well within my ability to keep eating. If anything, I am going to eat more fruits and vegetables and not much else differently because I've avoided fruits due to calories. Can't wait for spring and summer and all the fresh stuff!

The bad:

Their scale! OMG if I didn't flip a shit this morning at the weigh in. Listen to this. On my doctor's scale last week I was 184.5 which is the same as I was at home on my scale with clothes. I've since dropped to 180.6 unclothed and am jumping for joy at being out of the 180s ALMOST for good. Then I step onto their scale today, expecting it to be like 183-4 (no shoes) and it's 187! I know it's just a number but it bumps me back to a bad mental place cause I was stuck at 187 for several months. When I got home, I'm not going to lie, the first thing I did was get naked and jump on my scale. 181.6, thank goodness! The difference is due to whatever I've eaten or drank today, who cares, but nowhere close to 187. Now that I am reassured I didn't magically gain several pounds back I'm ok. I've been lucky enough up to this point that Dr. A's scale aligns so closely with my own that I know what it's going to say by stepping on my with clothes before I leave, so no surprises. I'm thinking of putting my home scale away for the next 12 weeks though since the only one that's going to matter is the WW one. In fact, I just told Steve to remove the scale from the bathroom. I am going to try following WW and using their scale and seeing what happens without obsessing over it daily. Keyword here: try!

The merch. I'm talking MAJOR merch. WW is a business, let us not forget. They have everything for sale and don't think that anything you buy now is going to last long cause they'll be out with a new plan soon enough or tweaking this one or whatever and you'll have to buy more. I bought the $5.95 points calculator and also have the droid app but I'd have to pay 12.95 a month to keep my "etools" subscription going beyond the 14 week period (unless I rejoin I guess.) So investing in the little pocket calculator will let me keep going as long as I want to follow points even if I'm not enrolled. So what are these magical points? Interestingly they no longer measure calories when calculating them. You account for protein, fat, carbs, fiber. Stuff that's high in protein and fiber and low in fat/carbs gets low points. Stuff high in fat and carbs with little protein/fiber gets high points. And fruits and vegetables are free as long as they aren't starchy or fatty ones. Too bad I can't eat unlimited avocados, my favorite! But overall it definitely is pointing you in the direction of eating healthier and not just eating less. It's kind of the same "diet" so many other people and groups have been preaching. Load up on fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, whole grains, and use fats and processed foods sparingly. Not that much too it.

Well, we will see. I am sooo not changing my tickers back up to 187 though. I will change them all to 181.6 and leave them there till I go back to Dr. A on 2/25 and I'll update with his scale's number which corresponds close enough to mine. This will be exciting. Can I do it? And by do it, I don't mean lose 30 more lbs, I mean keep myself from getting on the scale 4 times a day! ;)

Monday, January 24, 2011

It's January 24th...

And I am on pureed food, not hungry much at all, and was 182.8 this morning. Thank goodness I may have finally crawled out of the 184 sand-trap I was in for a while.

Here's the report from my visit to Dr. A last Friday:

I arrived at 8:30, exactly on time but nearly having run out of gas in my prius. I was pushing it and the "miles till fuel" went from 10 directly to 0 so I seriously thought I was going to have to push my car the last half mile to the office. Luckily this did not happen. I hadn't intend to cut it so close but left home with 45 miles till fuel and it's not that far to his office so I figured I could make it and get gas after. I was holding my breath the entire way though!

I got weighed and registered 184.4 with clothes on, down from 197 at my last visit (3 months prior.) I'm averaging just 1 lb per week for that span of time but Dr. A was ecstatic. My little info sheet says I have no lost 75% of my excess weight. Dr. A says that the average Lap-Band patient 1 year post op has lost 30% of their excess weight. I cannot believe this, it sounds like horrible results! Who would get a surgery that promises something so underwhelming? I'm glad I did but I'm also glad I am so determined and fight hard to not be average. I feel sorry for people who have not had the same results as me because I know how angry I would be if I had only lost 30 lbs since surgery (not yet a year out, but still.)

So anyway, he indicated that I was doing so well that I probably didn't need an adjustment and I told him how hungry I'd been lately (especially after 3pm) and how I'd been tracking my calories and it took 1600-1800 to satisfy me. He said that I had a significant amount of fluid in my band but agreed to do a fill anyway. I asked for a small amount (.25 or smaller.) Then, as he was pulling out the fluid I asked him how much I had and he was surprised to find it was less than he expected. I knew that a miscalculation had happened somewhere along the line. I'm pretty sure I should have only had 4.75 - he had thought I should have 5.5. Turns out I was right (he had forgotten to subtract a bit he took out once in my first fill.) So I guess he felt better about adjusting since I didn't have as much as he thought I did. He gave me .5 even though I really had only wanted .25 but he's the expert, right?

So, I spent the whole weekend on liquids and started having soft foods a bit yesterday, no trouble so far. Just not hungry. Though I feel kind of weak and like I need food, I'm not physically hungry and not complaining. I've been slowly making it through my 20oz of protein shake for the last few hours. Not sure if I'll be able to get in all my water. I normally take a while for the swelling from the fill to go down and plus, now I've got .5CCs more than I used to and I already was generally tight till about 3pm. That's where the trouble started. At 3pm it was like a switch would get flipped and I would be insatiable. I tracked my calories and nutrients really well for the week before my appointment and was finding I had to eat up to 1800 calories of protein, fat, and complex carbs to be satisfied. I think I'm safely back in the close-to-1000 range since my fill. I do love that feeling of just not being hungry and welcome it back again.

In other news, my first Weight Watchers at Work meeting was today. But it wasn't a real meeting, disappointingly. It was just an intro session to get signed up. We'll start next Monday for real with a weigh in. I will probably be at 180 by then, I can only hope. It would be amazing to lose 2lbs a week and be at my goal "ideal weight" of 155 by the time the 12 week session is up. It's almost too good to be true to think I could be so close and my goal so attainable, but really, if I stick with the program and utilize the support and of course working with my band and keeping up the exercise, there's no reason why I can't do it.

Ugh, the exercise has been an issue. It's been so cold out, I've been staying up way too late at night, and I've been waking up more tired than normal and with some muscle pain. Especially yesterday and today, having quite a back ache that I've never felt before. As long as I'm not eating much, I don't feel the need to exercise more than my normal walking, zumba, and barn stuff affords me. If I'm at 1000 calories a day or close to it, I don't need to go crazy (nor do I have the energy to, I think.) But I do miss the activity and felt so good all those days I got to the gym before work. I want all these aches and pains to go away and for the weather to get better so I can enjoy exercising again.

Anyway, enough bitching. Been 30 minutes since I finished my protein shake, I think I'll try my pureed chicken salad for lunch.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year...same stuff

Time for an update. I am not updating my tickers but I have to fess up, I was back at 187 this morning. These things happen but I'm really tired of bouncing between 184 and 187. If I go a few days eating only protein and green vegetables I drop 3 lbs instantly. If I go a couple of days eating crap like I did since New Year's Eve, I gain it instantly. I have my next appointment with Dr. A on 1/22 which is oddly enough 1 year to the date from my first consult with him! My goal is to be at 183 on HIS scale (which means with clothes) which means about 180 on my own. I know I'm overly obsessed with numbers and goals but it gives me something to aim for and without goals I tend to get way off track.

For the new year I have joined Weight Watchers (sessions don't start till the end of this month), signed up for Zumba classes being offered 2 nights a week at my office (first one is tonight, so we'll see...), have an appointment scheduled with the at-work nutritionist, and will be starting every-other week riding lessons next Tuesday night. If I can just keep all of this up while managing to not get behind in work and my personal life, I know I'll hit my goal.

Well, off to Zumba!