Wow, look at me, I'm complaining about being in the 180s - a weight I think I would have sold my right arm to be a year ago. I'm not trying to complain. I am actually trying to take a step back, regain perspective, and appreciate everything I've been through, how far I've come, and all of that. But it is still hard in the moment to feel as though nothing has changed. I'm closing in on 90 lbs lost and my body feels the same to me. Sure, some things feel vastly different - like exercise for example. Last night I did a light jog on the treadmill for 25 minutes and even 5.5 mph felt like nothing. I've worked up to short intervals (2 minutes) of 7mph so it's funny to go back and realize that 5.5 is a breeze when it used to be a struggle. And tonight I plan on riding my horse, which has gotten more and more pleasant, fun, and just plain easy to do each month. But I've been in the 180s for a month, I think, and I'm still just at 186 so I'm not close to getting out of them yet.
As for the other realizations, well... I've revised my goal to lose 1 lb per week which means I am eating a lot more liberally than I have been but I am also exercising a lot more than I had been in a while too. I've started a 6 day per week exercise routine that includes alternating resistance and cardio every other day and resting on the 7th. So far so good, up until I hurt myself at the barn Sunday night and got told by the doctor not to do any hard exercise till I'm better. I bruised a vocal chord (long story, don't ask) but he said any straining could do more damage to my insides. So I rested on Monday, did a light jog on Tuesday, going to ride the horse today, and hopefully will be able to do some light weightlifting tomorrow.
My old goal had been to be at 173 by 1/1/11 which would be 100 lbs lost. That was very ambitious and I'm ok not making it there. It's definitely not going to happen now. But, if I can just lose 1 lb per week from now till 3/17/11, I will have made it to 100 lbs lost in my first year post-op which would make me VERY happy. I feel like that's such a big marker and that if I could get to it then I could relax and it might take me another year to lose the final 20 lbs but that would be fine. Of course, knowing myself, I'll make it to that goal and then I'll decide I need to keep pushing through at lb per week and make it to my ultimate goal of 155 by August. Well, that's still a long way off. I need to make it to my first goal of 173 first and then I can worry about the last 18-20 lbs.
I'm also coming to terms with body image in general. I still don't see myself the way I am, I suppose (or maybe the problem is I always saw myself as a size 12 even when I was a 24.) However you frame it, I just don't look different to myself now than I did a year ago. My belly is still huge, my face is still chubby, my arms are flabby, my thighs are ginormous. And I'm realizing that just being a certain number on the scale is not going to change the way I see myself. And just because I will soon be able to wear size 10 clothes doesn't mean I will love every part of my body. I don't see myself as a thin or even average person but I am starting to understand how even thin and average people can still not love every part of their body for one reason or another. It's silly and I know eventually I work through it and get over it, but until my perception catches up with reality it's just all the more difficult.
I don't mean to be complaining though, really. Things are going very well and I need to remember that. I am able to eat well and enjoy a wide variety of foods and ever since I stopped taking the pills that were causing me issues I haven't had any stuck or vomiting or PBing or anything of the sort. I knew it wasn't supposed to be THAT hard. Shiiiit.
You know what one of the hardest things is? Getting in 80oz of water each day. I keep switching around varieties of sugar free drinks, diet lemonade, teas, stuff like that. My newest favorite is iced/water diluted herbal mint tea with splenda. I used to be able to use a straw to make it quicker and easier to get it all in but the straw finally started causing trouble with introducing extra air into my stomach, too much burping, stuff like that, so I gave them up. Drinking not only makes me have to pee, it makes me cold (I'm already cold all the time anyway so that's no fun) and when I'm not hungry or thirsty it's just plain annoying to have to keep drinking. But I try and it definitely is helpful to the end goal.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Inappropriate Idiots
I am surrounded by idiots. It's an invasion that's only gotten worse as I've grown up. I think I used to be surrounded by smarter people but maybe I just had less exposure to the population at large. I don't like stupid people, sorry, not gonna lie. But I like stupid people who open their mouths even less. And let's be clear. By "stupid" I don't necessarily mean those with below average IQs or mental handicaps o anything... just people who have no sense!
So, you want to hear a funny story?
I was back home in Alabama for Thanksgiving and was luckily able to attend my new cousin's baby naming ceremony (it's a Jewish thing.) It was very nice but it also meant I had the chance to see lots of relatives and friends of family who hadn't seen me in years. Not so bad except for those people you don't even know, who remember you from when you were a baby. That's always awkward, at best.
So, apparently Birmingham, Alabama is not too exciting of a place because my massive weight loss was the number one topic of conversation. Some of my relatives made tasteful comments like "you look great" and stuff like that. One in particular said, "What have you been doing to yourself??" in a bit of a shocked and unbelieving way. I decided to joke with her (well, mostly a joke) and said, "Oh, you know, just starving myself and throwing up after every meal." Of course that's not my intention but the reality of what's been going on with my band lately (up till I solved the pill issue) wasn't that far off so it felt kind of witty and ironic. To that my mother replied, "Yes, we're all so proud of Ellen's bulimia." I love my mom! She rocks sarcasm with the best of them.
So overall, not too bad but wait for it...
We were sitting down for the ceremony to begin and this woman from behind me wouldn't stop staring. I had no idea who she was. She obviously knew me though and as such, knew that I must have lost a massive amount of weight. Yes, I used to be bigger than an orca whale and now I'm like Twiggy from the 70s. Lol. Cause neither are true but you wouldn't know that from these people's responses. So this lady says to me (in a loud voice in the middle of the synagogue, remember) "How much weight have you lost??"
If you're reading this then you know I am not shy about sharing my numbers. I'm proud of what I have achieved but that's my choice to share it. I don't like being the center of attention in a circus freak type of way. Luckily I'm pretty quick so I said back to her, without missing a beat, and without a hint of sarcasm "Oh, about 300 pounds." The look on her face was totally worth it. I thought I'd shut her up for good but alas it was not to be. When the ceremony was over and we headed upstairs to the reception hall for the a little noshing she came up behind me and again said, "Really, I know it wasn't 300 lbs but how much have you lost?" I was taken aback but I guess I have to admire her persistence if nothing else. Still, pretty insulted because...well for one thing, who the hell is this person? And what makes her think this is an appropriate question?
So I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't even know you and that's kind of a personal question." I thought I maintained my dignity pretty well despite what I was feeling on the inside (let the floor open up and eat me, ya know?)
She said a quick sorry and introduced herself (I immediately forgot her name again) but said she'd known me since I was a child and was a friend of my grandfathers. Sorry to disrespect anyone but seriously? That fact is supposed to give you the right to be a complete dickwad?
Well, anyway, I didn't answer her question so I guess she'll go to her grave never knowing how much I actually lost. Sorry lady.
So, you want to hear a funny story?
I was back home in Alabama for Thanksgiving and was luckily able to attend my new cousin's baby naming ceremony (it's a Jewish thing.) It was very nice but it also meant I had the chance to see lots of relatives and friends of family who hadn't seen me in years. Not so bad except for those people you don't even know, who remember you from when you were a baby. That's always awkward, at best.
So, apparently Birmingham, Alabama is not too exciting of a place because my massive weight loss was the number one topic of conversation. Some of my relatives made tasteful comments like "you look great" and stuff like that. One in particular said, "What have you been doing to yourself??" in a bit of a shocked and unbelieving way. I decided to joke with her (well, mostly a joke) and said, "Oh, you know, just starving myself and throwing up after every meal." Of course that's not my intention but the reality of what's been going on with my band lately (up till I solved the pill issue) wasn't that far off so it felt kind of witty and ironic. To that my mother replied, "Yes, we're all so proud of Ellen's bulimia." I love my mom! She rocks sarcasm with the best of them.
So overall, not too bad but wait for it...
We were sitting down for the ceremony to begin and this woman from behind me wouldn't stop staring. I had no idea who she was. She obviously knew me though and as such, knew that I must have lost a massive amount of weight. Yes, I used to be bigger than an orca whale and now I'm like Twiggy from the 70s. Lol. Cause neither are true but you wouldn't know that from these people's responses. So this lady says to me (in a loud voice in the middle of the synagogue, remember) "How much weight have you lost??"
If you're reading this then you know I am not shy about sharing my numbers. I'm proud of what I have achieved but that's my choice to share it. I don't like being the center of attention in a circus freak type of way. Luckily I'm pretty quick so I said back to her, without missing a beat, and without a hint of sarcasm "Oh, about 300 pounds." The look on her face was totally worth it. I thought I'd shut her up for good but alas it was not to be. When the ceremony was over and we headed upstairs to the reception hall for the a little noshing she came up behind me and again said, "Really, I know it wasn't 300 lbs but how much have you lost?" I was taken aback but I guess I have to admire her persistence if nothing else. Still, pretty insulted because...well for one thing, who the hell is this person? And what makes her think this is an appropriate question?
So I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't even know you and that's kind of a personal question." I thought I maintained my dignity pretty well despite what I was feeling on the inside (let the floor open up and eat me, ya know?)
She said a quick sorry and introduced herself (I immediately forgot her name again) but said she'd known me since I was a child and was a friend of my grandfathers. Sorry to disrespect anyone but seriously? That fact is supposed to give you the right to be a complete dickwad?
Well, anyway, I didn't answer her question so I guess she'll go to her grave never knowing how much I actually lost. Sorry lady.
High School Trauma Flashback
For Thanksgiving, I went home to Alabama to see my family. I stayed there for 6 days and I made a special point to go back and visit my high school because I have always been close with my principal/teacher (I worked for her several summers after graduating.) It's a small, private school - I mean really small. We had 15 students my first year and it was more like being homseschooled or privately tutored. Every year, before Thanksgiving, they have a potluck lunch with all the traditional foods and I was of course invited to join in. It was great to spend some time there with my principal and see some of the teachers I haven't seen in years. There is one teacher in particular though that I could do without. J taught art and she was old when I attended school there 8 years ago! She's still teaching (as they always seem to) and though she's a "nice enough" lady, she can be a real jerk sometimes and probably suffers from her own eating disorder so I should cut her some slack.
So, of course it's expected that I got a lot of compliments from the people who haven't seen me in a year or two about my appearance. And I am more than happy to graciously say thanks to anyone who wants to tell me how great I look. But J took it a step too far and really pissed me off. First, she went on and on about my "figure" which I guess is a generational term so I'll forgive her for that. But then, after I ate barely anything at the lunch (don't get me wrong, it was normal bandster portions of some turkey and casseroles) - I went back for desert and took one spoonful of a chocolate pudding and whipped cream type thing that looked amazing and I couldn't wait to dig into - until "Don't take too much of that, now." She says out loud in front of the entire room of parents and students who are standing around enjoying their own deserts. I looked at her in disbelief and said, "J, I think I can eat whatever I want to, thank you." And I retreated to the back of the school to enjoy my small chocolate desert in privacy. Feeling guilty, and not really enjoying it. And feeling angry that anyone would tell me what I should or shouldn't eat after all I've gone through to lose my 85 lbs. It makes me angry and all of a sudden I was back in high school being made fun of - literally. It doesn't matter. She is no one in my life. Just an old crazy art teacher I had for a couple of years who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. But I hate those moments with the power to take us back to being 4 feet tall and vulnerable.
So, of course it's expected that I got a lot of compliments from the people who haven't seen me in a year or two about my appearance. And I am more than happy to graciously say thanks to anyone who wants to tell me how great I look. But J took it a step too far and really pissed me off. First, she went on and on about my "figure" which I guess is a generational term so I'll forgive her for that. But then, after I ate barely anything at the lunch (don't get me wrong, it was normal bandster portions of some turkey and casseroles) - I went back for desert and took one spoonful of a chocolate pudding and whipped cream type thing that looked amazing and I couldn't wait to dig into - until "Don't take too much of that, now." She says out loud in front of the entire room of parents and students who are standing around enjoying their own deserts. I looked at her in disbelief and said, "J, I think I can eat whatever I want to, thank you." And I retreated to the back of the school to enjoy my small chocolate desert in privacy. Feeling guilty, and not really enjoying it. And feeling angry that anyone would tell me what I should or shouldn't eat after all I've gone through to lose my 85 lbs. It makes me angry and all of a sudden I was back in high school being made fun of - literally. It doesn't matter. She is no one in my life. Just an old crazy art teacher I had for a couple of years who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. But I hate those moments with the power to take us back to being 4 feet tall and vulnerable.
Finally falling into place
It's amazing how well this thing works when you're not getting in its way. Ok, so I haven't actually lost much weight the past couple of weeks because once I figured out the pill thing and got back to normal eating without nearly daily PB/vomiting it was time for Thanksgiving and family vacation and I just wasn't going to diet during that. But the great thing is, I ate what I wanted to and I didn't gain anything. I'm holding stead at 187.6 for the past couple of days and I'm back on the plan as of this morning. If I can be really strict for the next 34 days I might make it to my goal of 173 by new years. I'll be ok if I don't though. I would REALLY like to be at 173 by 1/22 because that would be 100lbs down from my starting weight on the 1 year anniversary of my first consult with Dr. A. I would be really proud to be able to say I lost 100lbs both pre and post-op in the 1 year since officially starting down the lap band road. That's not too ambitious because actually it would mean that I'd averaged 2lbs per week for a year. Now, if I could get to 173 by new year's THAT would be ambitious ;) We'll see. I am determined to start some amped up exercising soon. I need to kick in the resistance training to build muscle and boost my metabolism. Till now I've really focused on cardio and I need to change things up.
So that's a quick update. Planning to write more later. I am just so thrilled at my ability to eat like a normal bandster actually working as planned ever since stopping with the pills. Still waiting to receive that medicine in liquid form (stupid pharmacy, arg.)
So that's a quick update. Planning to write more later. I am just so thrilled at my ability to eat like a normal bandster actually working as planned ever since stopping with the pills. Still waiting to receive that medicine in liquid form (stupid pharmacy, arg.)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Trouble in Paradise...but I think I figured it out!
If you've been following me on here, you know that I have been doing very well with my band for quite some time. Some people criticize a little "too" well, but I don't think losing 85lbs in 10 months is really too fast at all. It's hitting the average of 2lbs a week nearly on the dot. Some weeks have been more. Some weeks have been waaaay less. But it's been just under 40 weeks since my initial weigh in at Dr. A's (1/22) and I'm just hitting 85 lbs down from that now. Which puts me at 188, give our take a fraction of a pound. I've been holding pretty stead for a couple of weeks, so it seems. When I look back at my running log, I actually have lost 7lbs since a month ago but I've definitely stayed around the same for the past 2 weeks. Anyway, that's not actually the "trouble" I'm referring to. The trouble is, I've been having some pretty annoying side effects from the band no matter how careful I try to be. I have had days where I just cannot eat solid food and days where I can barely get liquids in. Some days (more than not) I've felt overly tight and then some days I've felt so loose I could eat anything. It's the dreaded "finicky band" that everyone talk about. I got my last adjustment of only 0.25 ccs on 10/15 and about 2 weeks after that it REALLY kicked in. I find that I don't lose weight when I'm overly tight because I can eat so little that I start indulging in things I normally wouldn't eat but they are easier than the solid and healthy foods. It's textbook really. It's exactly what they say will happen. But I don't want to get fluid taken out because I don't actually believe I'm "too tight." So what's been happening? I had no clue but I think I finally solved the mystery.
See, I've still been taking my metformin for PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and it keeps my period normal which in turn keeps my emotions in check, so even though I may not technically need it anymore, I've been doing it. The problem is, the pill is freaking huge. It's like a horse pill and even when divided in half, it's still really large. For a while, I was able to take it but I mostly did so at night before bed because my band is naturally looser at night. But then I started getting weird upset stomach and nausea around bedtime when I would lie horizontal. So I started trying to do them earlier in the day and then was having all these stuck, PB, and vomit issues. I won't go into details but it got pretty nasty. A few days ago I had been drinking liquids fine all morning and then took my pill around noon. A few hours later I decided to attempt eating (I was actually hungry for the first time that day around 3pm) but as soon as I'd taken a bite, within 30 seconds stuff was coming up. The problem was, by that point I was SO hungry that as soon as I vomited, I'd wait a few minutes and try to eat again with the same result. I tried different foods that have in the past caused me no issue but nothing worked. NOTE TO ALL: Don't do this. Don't be stupid. If you're throwing up, stop trying to eat. Yeah, I need to take my own advice sometimes. But it's such a weird sensation to be SO hungry physically and yet unable to keep anything down. Finally, I puked hard enough to dislodge what turned out to be an entire half of my metformin pill which was, to my surprise, completely solid and un-disolved. It had been sitting in my upper stomach, literally blocking the opening between my pouch and my lower stomach for HOURS. This shocked me into realizing I cannot continue taking pills like that. I have another medicine that I take daily but the pills are much smaller and never given me issue, until the next morning when I tried to take them with a protein shake that was up until that point going down smoothly. That's when something that has never happened before happened to me: within a few seconds of swallowing my pill, protein shake spewed with amazing force from my mouth and nose at the same time. I was sitting in my cubicle when this happened without warning and hope that no one around me heard (but I'm sure they did.) At least no one mentioned it and I coughed a few times to try to make it sound more like coughing and less like puking. There are still dark chocolate protein shake stains on the rug of my cube. They are a constant reminder to never do that again. So I've gotten my doctor to write prescriptions for the liquid form of both my meds. I had no idea they even CAME in liquid. She never told me. I had mentioned my issue swallowing the pills before but she didn't suggest liquid. Arg...
But the good news is, in the 2 days that I haven't attempted to take any pills, I can actually eat! I have energy, I'm not a complete bitch, AND I want to exercise again. It's amazing what a difference it makes.
On top of that, I've been making better choices again and opting for solid protein instead of ice cream and cookies once again because it doesn't make me sick to eat them. Thank goodness.
I sure hope this sticks. Now I know... most likely the pills were to blame the whole time once I got to the level of restriction I'm at now. I wanted to write about this to warn other people in case you're experiencing the same kind of thing.
See, I've still been taking my metformin for PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and it keeps my period normal which in turn keeps my emotions in check, so even though I may not technically need it anymore, I've been doing it. The problem is, the pill is freaking huge. It's like a horse pill and even when divided in half, it's still really large. For a while, I was able to take it but I mostly did so at night before bed because my band is naturally looser at night. But then I started getting weird upset stomach and nausea around bedtime when I would lie horizontal. So I started trying to do them earlier in the day and then was having all these stuck, PB, and vomit issues. I won't go into details but it got pretty nasty. A few days ago I had been drinking liquids fine all morning and then took my pill around noon. A few hours later I decided to attempt eating (I was actually hungry for the first time that day around 3pm) but as soon as I'd taken a bite, within 30 seconds stuff was coming up. The problem was, by that point I was SO hungry that as soon as I vomited, I'd wait a few minutes and try to eat again with the same result. I tried different foods that have in the past caused me no issue but nothing worked. NOTE TO ALL: Don't do this. Don't be stupid. If you're throwing up, stop trying to eat. Yeah, I need to take my own advice sometimes. But it's such a weird sensation to be SO hungry physically and yet unable to keep anything down. Finally, I puked hard enough to dislodge what turned out to be an entire half of my metformin pill which was, to my surprise, completely solid and un-disolved. It had been sitting in my upper stomach, literally blocking the opening between my pouch and my lower stomach for HOURS. This shocked me into realizing I cannot continue taking pills like that. I have another medicine that I take daily but the pills are much smaller and never given me issue, until the next morning when I tried to take them with a protein shake that was up until that point going down smoothly. That's when something that has never happened before happened to me: within a few seconds of swallowing my pill, protein shake spewed with amazing force from my mouth and nose at the same time. I was sitting in my cubicle when this happened without warning and hope that no one around me heard (but I'm sure they did.) At least no one mentioned it and I coughed a few times to try to make it sound more like coughing and less like puking. There are still dark chocolate protein shake stains on the rug of my cube. They are a constant reminder to never do that again. So I've gotten my doctor to write prescriptions for the liquid form of both my meds. I had no idea they even CAME in liquid. She never told me. I had mentioned my issue swallowing the pills before but she didn't suggest liquid. Arg...
But the good news is, in the 2 days that I haven't attempted to take any pills, I can actually eat! I have energy, I'm not a complete bitch, AND I want to exercise again. It's amazing what a difference it makes.
On top of that, I've been making better choices again and opting for solid protein instead of ice cream and cookies once again because it doesn't make me sick to eat them. Thank goodness.
I sure hope this sticks. Now I know... most likely the pills were to blame the whole time once I got to the level of restriction I'm at now. I wanted to write about this to warn other people in case you're experiencing the same kind of thing.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
You change your mind like a girl changes clothes
Yes, I'm talking about the moody band who can't seem to make up her mind if she wants to be loose or tight from day to day. It's frustrating but it's par for the course, according to everything I've read and heard. Last week I got so badly stuck on one tiny piece of chicken I could barely eat solids for 2 days and now I'm able to eat anything and everything without the slightest discomfort. Of course that doesn't mean I'm actually THAT hungry, just that for some reason when you're loose after being tight for so long, it's really hard not to just eat because you can. I can see how people gain back weight quickly if they have to get their bands unfilled. I hope that never happens to me. So I've had a little bit of a hiatus from the strict meal plan and hoping to get back on the wagon seriously in the next couple of days. I still have a major goal of getting to 185 by 11/18 when I go home to visit my family. That would be amazing but I'm not sure if it's going to happen. My next, longer term goal is to hit 273 by 1/1/11. That would be 100 lbs and that's something I'm really aiming for but I don't think I'll be overly sad if I don't make it, as long as I come close.
Not too much to write about today. I've bounced back up to 193 which is disappointing since I was at 190.2 a couple of days ago but all this looseness after so much tightness has definitely not helped. Everything will normalize and of course if that little loss was caused by being overly tight and maybe even dehydrated, it's better to not be there anymore. I'm perfectly happy with 193.
Not too much to write about today. I've bounced back up to 193 which is disappointing since I was at 190.2 a couple of days ago but all this looseness after so much tightness has definitely not helped. Everything will normalize and of course if that little loss was caused by being overly tight and maybe even dehydrated, it's better to not be there anymore. I'm perfectly happy with 193.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Now with 50% less angst
I've been feeling something very new and different lately. Peace, optimism, contentment... weird, huh?
Life in general is just going so well. My lap band adventure continues and I love how reliably I get the results I want when I do the right thing (AND equally impressed how everything doesn't fall apart when I don't do the right thing.) I'm still really shocked and impressed that things actually work this way when they never have for me before (banding) but I'm definitely a believer now.
In other areas of life, things continue to go well too. My relationships are steady and stable. No detriment from my weight loss that I can tell. I am not looking to leave my partner now that I don't wear plus size clothes (how silly!) but I guess there are people who've found that to be an issue. Most likely people who didn't choose a partner that was right for them to begin with and just settled on someone they thought was "good enough" for them at the time but not "good enough" for the person they see themselves as after much weight loss.
Luckily, the person I see myself as hasn't really changed. In the physical realm too, I haven't started seeing the smaller person (a catch a glimpse here or there but it seems like an optical illusion.) But I'm not longer angry about that. I practice enjoying the ability to do what I want with my body more often than I ever have before and focusing on the positive really seems to help.
I don't really have anything great to post about today but I did want to put up a recent picture. This is from last week. It's the first dress I've worn in years (except for jokingly dressing as a drag queen last Halloween.)
Size 16 (I probably would have bought a 14 if they had it) from the NY & Co. Outlet store. $14.99! Can't beat that, right?
Oh yeah, and today I woke up and was 193.4. That's 80lbs if you're counting!
Life in general is just going so well. My lap band adventure continues and I love how reliably I get the results I want when I do the right thing (AND equally impressed how everything doesn't fall apart when I don't do the right thing.) I'm still really shocked and impressed that things actually work this way when they never have for me before (banding) but I'm definitely a believer now.
In other areas of life, things continue to go well too. My relationships are steady and stable. No detriment from my weight loss that I can tell. I am not looking to leave my partner now that I don't wear plus size clothes (how silly!) but I guess there are people who've found that to be an issue. Most likely people who didn't choose a partner that was right for them to begin with and just settled on someone they thought was "good enough" for them at the time but not "good enough" for the person they see themselves as after much weight loss.
Luckily, the person I see myself as hasn't really changed. In the physical realm too, I haven't started seeing the smaller person (a catch a glimpse here or there but it seems like an optical illusion.) But I'm not longer angry about that. I practice enjoying the ability to do what I want with my body more often than I ever have before and focusing on the positive really seems to help.
I don't really have anything great to post about today but I did want to put up a recent picture. This is from last week. It's the first dress I've worn in years (except for jokingly dressing as a drag queen last Halloween.)
Size 16 (I probably would have bought a 14 if they had it) from the NY & Co. Outlet store. $14.99! Can't beat that, right?
Oh yeah, and today I woke up and was 193.4. That's 80lbs if you're counting!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Visualize your ideal body
That's what I've been doing every night while falling asleep for the past week. I have these meditation tapes that knock me out into a deep trance within a couple of minutes of putting them on and I've never actually made it all the way through so I have no idea what they're telling me after 5 minutes in (could be anything, cult indoctrination, who knows?) But I'm telling you, they're working!
The book and tapes are from this guy Jon Gabriel who has come up with the aptly named "Gabriel Method" - a new-agey, woo-woo weight loss through visualization type thing. But to be honest, I tried it long before my band and it really did help me start to resolve my underlying issues that were keeping me from losing weight. I started reading his book and listening to the tapes about a year before surgery so I think doing that actually helped me prepare and be mentally ready for the physical challenges. I do recommend the stuff even though *some* of it is pretty fantastical. It's just another tool in my toolkit now and I've started up again listening to the tape religiously before bed. And yes, I have noticed increased weight loss, decreased hunger, and being able to make better food choices. I'm not going to say it's all because of the tapes but they don't hurt. I need to find a picture of someone with my "ideal body" to help me visualize. I have a hard time coming up with that mental picture since I've never seen it and can't recollect back to an image of my own body that I want to attain again.
In other news...
At 196lbs I am completely in new territory. I can consistently wear 14s and even some 12s, larges and most mediums at every store I've tried. I go in to see my band doctor Friday (2 days) for the first time in 10 weeks. I am sure he's going to be happy with my progress (I think I'll have a loss of 15 lbs on his scale from the last number 10 weeks ago.) I am definitely going to ask for another slight fill to my band. I'm hoping he'll give me as little as .25 ccs because I feel very close to being at a sweet spot but losing a good bit of restriction, especially as the day goes on. Nighttime is the worst! By 10pm I am hungry and can anything and everything. But the rest of the day isn't nearly as bad and as long as I stick to eating what I'm supposed to be (i.e. protein) I can get satisfied on very little. Still, I've been tracking my calories and getting in 1500-1600 a day easily (and could eat a good bit more if I let myself) so I'm hoping to get enough restriction back to stay under 1200. Spoke to the nutritionist for the first time in 6 months the other day and she said most people in the "green zone" can eat 1000 calories a day and be satisfied. I'm not there yet but I'm hoping that a slight fill will push me back in that direction.
I am feeling so surprisingly optimistic and despite the fact that I still can't SEE my own weight loss for the most part, shopping has turned into a much more fun activity than it's ever been. I am SO excited about my November/Thanksgiving trip home to Alabama where my dad will be providing me a shopping trip (hopefully all expenses paid) as a combination late Birthday/early Hannukah/huge weight loss gift. I am already making a list of stores I want to shop at. Urban Outfitters, LL Bean, Gap, American Eagle, New York & Co.... places I have had a hard time fitting into or never have but am now finding I can wear anything I want. And even in the women's department! I have always shopped in men's not only cause I'm more comfortable in many of the styles but because they fit. I wonder now if-and-how-much of my preference for male clothing is due to not having the choice to wear women's - or at least not looking good in it. I mean, they make sizes for women much larger than I ever was BUT I'm not going to claim any of those things ever looked fashionable.
I know I've been really pathetic about updating this blog. So it tends to go when people's lives go smoothly. It's not that everything is perfect...sure life is complicated and rough a lot of the time, but this blog is not about all those other things in my life. It's about my lapband and THAT is going well.
I am getting so close to my goal that I am getting more antsy about whether I'll be happy there. My original goal was 180 which I later revised down to 160. Well, I mean my first real goal was to break 200, but my first "GOAL" was 180. Well, now I'm 16 lbs away from that and I can't imagine being anywhere close to satisfied with my size, 16 lbs from now. My belly is still pregnant lady sized and people are starting to tell me that I may need to consider plastic surgery to get rid of it. I am still determined that through exercise and greater weight loss I can get it down to where I don't look pregnant when not desperately sucking in. That would be nice. So, I'm still 36 lbs from my actual goal of 160 and that can be a lot of difference. AND I'm hoping that since my midsection is really the only flabby part left of me that the majority of that 36 will come from there. But I won't know till I get there. And I guess there's just a part of me that is worried that when I get to 160 I will still look the same, still have this huge belly that hangs over my jeans (the size of which keep getting smaller.) How horrible would that be? To be wearing size 8 or 10 jeans but with a belly hanging out over them? Ugh, I'm getting down even thinking about it so I'm not going to.
In other, other news...
Ran my first (outdoor) 5K on 10/2/10 at the AIDS Walk Washington. My official time was 37:46 which gave me a 12:10 mile. I'm very happy with that considering last time I ran 5K on the treadmill I was about 43 minutes total. I was super impressed to beat my treadmill time by so much. But I also learned that I have to buy proper running shoes before my next street race. Foot pain! Yikes.
I rode Helo last night and realized for the first time (it just hit me...) how easy some parts of riding have become. Like posting. Wow, I used to huff and puff and tire out but I think I could post forever now. Sometimes I marvel at how different the whole world feels 75lb lighter and then I think "duh... of course it does." But, you know, sometimes I think I denied that anything would have been better or easier if I lost weight. I was very stubborn and liked to believe that there was no handicap in being large. But the truth is, it held me back from being my best and I am so happy I'm moving in the opposite direction.
The book and tapes are from this guy Jon Gabriel who has come up with the aptly named "Gabriel Method" - a new-agey, woo-woo weight loss through visualization type thing. But to be honest, I tried it long before my band and it really did help me start to resolve my underlying issues that were keeping me from losing weight. I started reading his book and listening to the tapes about a year before surgery so I think doing that actually helped me prepare and be mentally ready for the physical challenges. I do recommend the stuff even though *some* of it is pretty fantastical. It's just another tool in my toolkit now and I've started up again listening to the tape religiously before bed. And yes, I have noticed increased weight loss, decreased hunger, and being able to make better food choices. I'm not going to say it's all because of the tapes but they don't hurt. I need to find a picture of someone with my "ideal body" to help me visualize. I have a hard time coming up with that mental picture since I've never seen it and can't recollect back to an image of my own body that I want to attain again.
In other news...
At 196lbs I am completely in new territory. I can consistently wear 14s and even some 12s, larges and most mediums at every store I've tried. I go in to see my band doctor Friday (2 days) for the first time in 10 weeks. I am sure he's going to be happy with my progress (I think I'll have a loss of 15 lbs on his scale from the last number 10 weeks ago.) I am definitely going to ask for another slight fill to my band. I'm hoping he'll give me as little as .25 ccs because I feel very close to being at a sweet spot but losing a good bit of restriction, especially as the day goes on. Nighttime is the worst! By 10pm I am hungry and can anything and everything. But the rest of the day isn't nearly as bad and as long as I stick to eating what I'm supposed to be (i.e. protein) I can get satisfied on very little. Still, I've been tracking my calories and getting in 1500-1600 a day easily (and could eat a good bit more if I let myself) so I'm hoping to get enough restriction back to stay under 1200. Spoke to the nutritionist for the first time in 6 months the other day and she said most people in the "green zone" can eat 1000 calories a day and be satisfied. I'm not there yet but I'm hoping that a slight fill will push me back in that direction.
I am feeling so surprisingly optimistic and despite the fact that I still can't SEE my own weight loss for the most part, shopping has turned into a much more fun activity than it's ever been. I am SO excited about my November/Thanksgiving trip home to Alabama where my dad will be providing me a shopping trip (hopefully all expenses paid) as a combination late Birthday/early Hannukah/huge weight loss gift. I am already making a list of stores I want to shop at. Urban Outfitters, LL Bean, Gap, American Eagle, New York & Co.... places I have had a hard time fitting into or never have but am now finding I can wear anything I want. And even in the women's department! I have always shopped in men's not only cause I'm more comfortable in many of the styles but because they fit. I wonder now if-and-how-much of my preference for male clothing is due to not having the choice to wear women's - or at least not looking good in it. I mean, they make sizes for women much larger than I ever was BUT I'm not going to claim any of those things ever looked fashionable.
I know I've been really pathetic about updating this blog. So it tends to go when people's lives go smoothly. It's not that everything is perfect...sure life is complicated and rough a lot of the time, but this blog is not about all those other things in my life. It's about my lapband and THAT is going well.
I am getting so close to my goal that I am getting more antsy about whether I'll be happy there. My original goal was 180 which I later revised down to 160. Well, I mean my first real goal was to break 200, but my first "GOAL" was 180. Well, now I'm 16 lbs away from that and I can't imagine being anywhere close to satisfied with my size, 16 lbs from now. My belly is still pregnant lady sized and people are starting to tell me that I may need to consider plastic surgery to get rid of it. I am still determined that through exercise and greater weight loss I can get it down to where I don't look pregnant when not desperately sucking in. That would be nice. So, I'm still 36 lbs from my actual goal of 160 and that can be a lot of difference. AND I'm hoping that since my midsection is really the only flabby part left of me that the majority of that 36 will come from there. But I won't know till I get there. And I guess there's just a part of me that is worried that when I get to 160 I will still look the same, still have this huge belly that hangs over my jeans (the size of which keep getting smaller.) How horrible would that be? To be wearing size 8 or 10 jeans but with a belly hanging out over them? Ugh, I'm getting down even thinking about it so I'm not going to.
In other, other news...
Ran my first (outdoor) 5K on 10/2/10 at the AIDS Walk Washington. My official time was 37:46 which gave me a 12:10 mile. I'm very happy with that considering last time I ran 5K on the treadmill I was about 43 minutes total. I was super impressed to beat my treadmill time by so much. But I also learned that I have to buy proper running shoes before my next street race. Foot pain! Yikes.
I rode Helo last night and realized for the first time (it just hit me...) how easy some parts of riding have become. Like posting. Wow, I used to huff and puff and tire out but I think I could post forever now. Sometimes I marvel at how different the whole world feels 75lb lighter and then I think "duh... of course it does." But, you know, sometimes I think I denied that anything would have been better or easier if I lost weight. I was very stubborn and liked to believe that there was no handicap in being large. But the truth is, it held me back from being my best and I am so happy I'm moving in the opposite direction.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
6 months and 6 flights of stairs
My 6 month surgi-versary came and went without much fanfare. I made my goal of getting to 200lbs by my 6 month mark (9/17/10) and in fact, I saw the scale land on 199.6 the other day for the first time ever. It's gone back up to 200.4 over the past few days but is stable there so I'm sure by next week I'll be firmly planted in the 190s. Having met my first goal, and averaging around 10lbs a month lost, I am OK easing up a little bit and accepting more like 5-7lbs a month if it happens. On the other hand, I need to step up my exercise to keep losing because I can feel a plateau coming on as my body has adjusted quite well to this new way of life.
I have started climbing the stairs to my office... I work on the 6th floor and I used to think that going up would be torturous but it's really not. It takes me under 2 minutes which is not that much longer than the elevator. In fact, it's probably quicker when you think about all the annoying people stopping on every floor on my way up. I take them down as well but that's easy. My first 5K run is next weekend (10/2) and I'm going to do a practice outdoor 5K tonight (I hope) before rock climbing. I've been doing 5K on the treadmill with no problem but I know outdoors is going to be tougher and I'm wondering if I'll still be able to do it in the same time frame (about 40 minutes.) On the other hand, maybe it'll be more interesting to run a new route instead of on the treadmill.
I know this isn't that exciting of a post but isn't it nice to not be angst-ridden? I'm happy! I'm really happy. So many things in life are going well these days and being so close to my larger weight loss goals makes me worry about it all a bit less.
So here's a picture I took yesterday. Actually, here are 2 pictures - a "before" and a "during" (since I'm not yet at "after".) First picture was taken in February, a month or so before my surgery.
And here's yesterday:
I have started climbing the stairs to my office... I work on the 6th floor and I used to think that going up would be torturous but it's really not. It takes me under 2 minutes which is not that much longer than the elevator. In fact, it's probably quicker when you think about all the annoying people stopping on every floor on my way up. I take them down as well but that's easy. My first 5K run is next weekend (10/2) and I'm going to do a practice outdoor 5K tonight (I hope) before rock climbing. I've been doing 5K on the treadmill with no problem but I know outdoors is going to be tougher and I'm wondering if I'll still be able to do it in the same time frame (about 40 minutes.) On the other hand, maybe it'll be more interesting to run a new route instead of on the treadmill.
I know this isn't that exciting of a post but isn't it nice to not be angst-ridden? I'm happy! I'm really happy. So many things in life are going well these days and being so close to my larger weight loss goals makes me worry about it all a bit less.
So here's a picture I took yesterday. Actually, here are 2 pictures - a "before" and a "during" (since I'm not yet at "after".) First picture was taken in February, a month or so before my surgery.
And here's yesterday:
Monday, August 30, 2010
It's official, I'm a low-carber
It's too bad really. Because there are so many wonderful things that are healthy and low-fat and nutritious but packed with carbohydrates and sugar. Fruit, for one thing. Which I miss dearly. But it's sunk in big time that if I want to lose weight I have to eliminate nearly all carbohydrates from my diet, even the good ones like whole grains and fruit. On the other hand, I've found that it's not hard to maintain my current weight at all while eating them, so it gives me hope for sometime in the future when I'll be at a weight I want to maintain and can go into that mode.
In the 3 weeks since I got my last fill, I spent 2 of them eating whatever I wanted but in very small quantities. That resulted in me staying the same weight for 2 weeks. I was rather disappointed because I thought I'd be losing like crazy given how very little I could eat. As a sidenote, it took over a week for my body to settle down after the fill and be able to even eat a 1/2 cup or cup of food at one meal. Last week I decided to jump back on the low carb wagon that's gotten me this far and within 5 days I'd lost 5 lbs. Yes, that's right.
So now I'm 204.4 (been holding steady for a few days as I splurged at a party Saturday and then had an entire "off" day on Sunday) but I know that by Friday I should be closing in on my first goal of 200. I really, truly, cannot believe I am this close. It feels unreal and exciting. I feel like at hitting 200, I have shaved off the top layer of what I need to lose and going forward I will be able to see a real difference with every 10 lbs I shed. At least I sure hope so!
Anyway, I had marked on my calendar that I wanted to be at 200 by September 26, 2010 which would mean a loss of 73lbs from my starting weight dated 1/22/10. Now, keep in mind (and I have to remind myself of this too) Lap band patients are expected to lose 1-2 lbs per week and my surgery was on 3/17/10 so I would be expected to have lost 28 - 56 lbs. My doctor would be ecstatic if I had lost 56. And I will have lost 75 at the rate I'm going. When I think of it that way, it makes me really happy.
I love days like this... days where I get all my water in. Where I am not hungry, where I am making good choices and eating lots of protein and really don't have room for anything else. The less carbs I eat the less I even think about eating, period. It's very weird that way but I am so fortunate to have found the "secret" to working with my body on this.
In the 3 weeks since I got my last fill, I spent 2 of them eating whatever I wanted but in very small quantities. That resulted in me staying the same weight for 2 weeks. I was rather disappointed because I thought I'd be losing like crazy given how very little I could eat. As a sidenote, it took over a week for my body to settle down after the fill and be able to even eat a 1/2 cup or cup of food at one meal. Last week I decided to jump back on the low carb wagon that's gotten me this far and within 5 days I'd lost 5 lbs. Yes, that's right.
So now I'm 204.4 (been holding steady for a few days as I splurged at a party Saturday and then had an entire "off" day on Sunday) but I know that by Friday I should be closing in on my first goal of 200. I really, truly, cannot believe I am this close. It feels unreal and exciting. I feel like at hitting 200, I have shaved off the top layer of what I need to lose and going forward I will be able to see a real difference with every 10 lbs I shed. At least I sure hope so!
Anyway, I had marked on my calendar that I wanted to be at 200 by September 26, 2010 which would mean a loss of 73lbs from my starting weight dated 1/22/10. Now, keep in mind (and I have to remind myself of this too) Lap band patients are expected to lose 1-2 lbs per week and my surgery was on 3/17/10 so I would be expected to have lost 28 - 56 lbs. My doctor would be ecstatic if I had lost 56. And I will have lost 75 at the rate I'm going. When I think of it that way, it makes me really happy.
I love days like this... days where I get all my water in. Where I am not hungry, where I am making good choices and eating lots of protein and really don't have room for anything else. The less carbs I eat the less I even think about eating, period. It's very weird that way but I am so fortunate to have found the "secret" to working with my body on this.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Because it's so freaking hard...
...And I've still got so much to go
That's the quote of the week. Well, it was 2 weeks ago when the line appeared on my new favorite (as long as Glee is on hiatus) show HUGE. I was almost embarrassed to admit I like it but then I found out FATSHIONISTA does recaps of it weekly and I feel a lot better now. And their recaps are great, truly. If you're not going to watch the show, just start at the beginning and read the recaps.
So, these two kids, Ian and Alistair are talking about the whole weight loss thing and Alistair says that he lost a little (they are at fat camp after all) and the counselor told him he was doing "great" but he still felt so sad and didn't know why. Man, kid, do I hear you. 67 lbs that I never imagined I'd lose in my wildest dreams and most of the time I can only feel sad that it's not happening more quickly or in the right places, or hell, just finished already. So I was watching this episode while jogging on the treadmill and if I hadn't been running my little heart out, I might have taken more time to really feel the emotion of the scene. But I felt it enough that I had to come home and write about it.
The episode was the week of the official camp weigh in and while some of the campers made a big deal over how much they lost or didn't, some of the kids actually tore up their sheets of paper without looking at them, making a statement that they weren't going to let that number determine how they felt. I wish I had the balls to do that sometimes but now that I've started down the path of caring it feels like a slippery slope that I'm unable to pull myself out of despite sometimes really wanting to.
Sometimes I remember how content I used to be with my body. Sure I was fat but that didn't always define me. I focused on so many other things that were great about myself and accepted the body as one area that wasn't perfect. Now, it seems as though all I do is criticize my body. And it doesn't deserve this. This body has been damn good to me in fact...I thought to myself while jogging tonight. It's rarely ever just crapped out on me or refused to do something. It's not the most flexible or the strongest or whatever, but it functions fine. I jogged 3.25 miles tonight (in 42 minutes) and I was thinking how compared to other people who weigh 206lbs, my body is pretty impressive. Sometimes when I'm exercising I forget that I'm fat and I just feel what it's like to truly be alive in my body. No wonder I'm quickly becoming addicted to the gym.
I love watching HUGE when I work out, not because the topic of fat camp inspires me to work harder. No...it's the emotion and realness behind the writing and acting of this show that remind me it's not all about where I'm going or where I've been. It's mostly about where I am now. It reminds me that the prettiest, "thinnest", girl at camp who only loses 1 lb when the fatter kids lose 8 still feels just as bad about herself as she would if she weighed twice as much. It reminds me that we are our harshest critics and that stopping to listen to other people is important.
All the people at my office who call me skinny now or tell me how great I look...why don't I believe them? Why do I still see myself as a warped blob-ish figure where I used to see a beautiful curvy woman? Where did my body acceptance and love go? What can I do to get it back? I am so tired of criticizing my body. I want to practice complimenting it and loving it - really loving it - not just loving it if I can squeeze into a smaller size this week. And thanking it for all that it allows me to do. I think that if I start doing these things, my attitude will adjust. I just miss...well I miss a lot of things about pre-banded life. But I have gained SO much, I know this, I'm not regretting it. I just need to figure out how to wrap my head around the new and evolving "me" and love this me as much as I used to. Because I should love this new me more, if anything.
And can I just say (of course I can, it's my blog) that sometimes the idea of staying at 206 is very appealing. Why keep going? Do I really want to? I can easily maintain this weight indefinitely. I feel great, I am in great shape, I can do everything I want, I can fit into any clothes I want (seriously, 14s at normal stores and medium shirts!) And I think the "problem" just dawned on me. I went into this surgery not really believing I'd get to where I am today, not 100%. I mostly wanted to improve my health, be able to be more active, not restricted in the things I can do. Rock climbing for example, or horseback riding. Now, down 67 lbs, my body feels great. I like the size I am. I'm curvy and muscular with a good bit of padding still. I wish my face weren't so chubby but I've started noticing other, thinner women, with chubby faces so it's not that bad really. And let's face it. Having lost 24% of my total body weight, I have achieved the health advantages that are to be sought in such a procedure. So now that I really have gotten what I set out wanting - if I keep going, does that mean I'm pursuing thinness because of cultural standards? Am I chasing some socially constructed ideal of beauty, health, femininity? Why do I want to keep losing weight - a LOT of it in fact? Why do I want to lose 50 more lbs when already without doing so I am healthy, fit, eating better than I ever have, and fitting into clothes I never thought I would. I don't know. And what if I don't want to lose any more? I mean, I do! But would it be wrong if I didn't? I think this needs more pondering. I don't want to lose 50 more lbs to hit a number I'm "supposed" to be. But I still want it. Maybe I just want to be able to say I did. And is there anything wrong with that either?
That's the quote of the week. Well, it was 2 weeks ago when the line appeared on my new favorite (as long as Glee is on hiatus) show HUGE. I was almost embarrassed to admit I like it but then I found out FATSHIONISTA does recaps of it weekly and I feel a lot better now. And their recaps are great, truly. If you're not going to watch the show, just start at the beginning and read the recaps.
So, these two kids, Ian and Alistair are talking about the whole weight loss thing and Alistair says that he lost a little (they are at fat camp after all) and the counselor told him he was doing "great" but he still felt so sad and didn't know why. Man, kid, do I hear you. 67 lbs that I never imagined I'd lose in my wildest dreams and most of the time I can only feel sad that it's not happening more quickly or in the right places, or hell, just finished already. So I was watching this episode while jogging on the treadmill and if I hadn't been running my little heart out, I might have taken more time to really feel the emotion of the scene. But I felt it enough that I had to come home and write about it.
The episode was the week of the official camp weigh in and while some of the campers made a big deal over how much they lost or didn't, some of the kids actually tore up their sheets of paper without looking at them, making a statement that they weren't going to let that number determine how they felt. I wish I had the balls to do that sometimes but now that I've started down the path of caring it feels like a slippery slope that I'm unable to pull myself out of despite sometimes really wanting to.
Sometimes I remember how content I used to be with my body. Sure I was fat but that didn't always define me. I focused on so many other things that were great about myself and accepted the body as one area that wasn't perfect. Now, it seems as though all I do is criticize my body. And it doesn't deserve this. This body has been damn good to me in fact...I thought to myself while jogging tonight. It's rarely ever just crapped out on me or refused to do something. It's not the most flexible or the strongest or whatever, but it functions fine. I jogged 3.25 miles tonight (in 42 minutes) and I was thinking how compared to other people who weigh 206lbs, my body is pretty impressive. Sometimes when I'm exercising I forget that I'm fat and I just feel what it's like to truly be alive in my body. No wonder I'm quickly becoming addicted to the gym.
I love watching HUGE when I work out, not because the topic of fat camp inspires me to work harder. No...it's the emotion and realness behind the writing and acting of this show that remind me it's not all about where I'm going or where I've been. It's mostly about where I am now. It reminds me that the prettiest, "thinnest", girl at camp who only loses 1 lb when the fatter kids lose 8 still feels just as bad about herself as she would if she weighed twice as much. It reminds me that we are our harshest critics and that stopping to listen to other people is important.
All the people at my office who call me skinny now or tell me how great I look...why don't I believe them? Why do I still see myself as a warped blob-ish figure where I used to see a beautiful curvy woman? Where did my body acceptance and love go? What can I do to get it back? I am so tired of criticizing my body. I want to practice complimenting it and loving it - really loving it - not just loving it if I can squeeze into a smaller size this week. And thanking it for all that it allows me to do. I think that if I start doing these things, my attitude will adjust. I just miss...well I miss a lot of things about pre-banded life. But I have gained SO much, I know this, I'm not regretting it. I just need to figure out how to wrap my head around the new and evolving "me" and love this me as much as I used to. Because I should love this new me more, if anything.
And can I just say (of course I can, it's my blog) that sometimes the idea of staying at 206 is very appealing. Why keep going? Do I really want to? I can easily maintain this weight indefinitely. I feel great, I am in great shape, I can do everything I want, I can fit into any clothes I want (seriously, 14s at normal stores and medium shirts!) And I think the "problem" just dawned on me. I went into this surgery not really believing I'd get to where I am today, not 100%. I mostly wanted to improve my health, be able to be more active, not restricted in the things I can do. Rock climbing for example, or horseback riding. Now, down 67 lbs, my body feels great. I like the size I am. I'm curvy and muscular with a good bit of padding still. I wish my face weren't so chubby but I've started noticing other, thinner women, with chubby faces so it's not that bad really. And let's face it. Having lost 24% of my total body weight, I have achieved the health advantages that are to be sought in such a procedure. So now that I really have gotten what I set out wanting - if I keep going, does that mean I'm pursuing thinness because of cultural standards? Am I chasing some socially constructed ideal of beauty, health, femininity? Why do I want to keep losing weight - a LOT of it in fact? Why do I want to lose 50 more lbs when already without doing so I am healthy, fit, eating better than I ever have, and fitting into clothes I never thought I would. I don't know. And what if I don't want to lose any more? I mean, I do! But would it be wrong if I didn't? I think this needs more pondering. I don't want to lose 50 more lbs to hit a number I'm "supposed" to be. But I still want it. Maybe I just want to be able to say I did. And is there anything wrong with that either?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Reality Setting In
I woke up early this morning and went to the gym. Ran a mile and then walked a few more minutes, did some weights, the rowing machine, and some abs. Showered, drove to work, and have been sitting here at my desk doing work related stuff ever since. It's 2:30 pm and I don't feel like I've actually eaten anything today. I've drank 40oz of water so I'm halfway to my daily goal of 80. And I've had 5 almonds and 2 cashews and a few bites of a mushy broccoli/eggbeaters quiche-esque thing I brought from home. But really, compared to even how I was a week ago, I haven't "eaten" anything.
Last night I went out do dinner with Steve and his dad and I wasn't hungry but ordered a baked potato with shredded pork on it anyway. I knew I'd only take a few bites, which I did. Small bites that I chew thoroughly and slowly. And after 3 of them I was full, probably well beyond full really, and I stopped. Sitting there over the next 15 minutes socializing and NOT eating anything, I began to get more and more uncomfortable. Pain in my head and back which I know means my stomach is overly full. All of a sudden, after all that time of not eating, I felt like I was going to hurl. I left the restaurant and it took about 15 more minutes of walking around outside and hacking up slimy goo for me to feel even mildly better. By the time we got home, an hour after I'd last eaten anything, I felt pretty much normal.
Reality is definitely hitting me. This is not my old life or my old body. The honeymoon I've been on with my band unfilled/very loose is not really what having a lapband is about. I've been thinking how easy all this has been and how I haven't had any ill effects from the band, but now I see that if I am not extremely careful about every little thing, I'm going to be in a world of pain.
Finally.
Later last night I was hungry and decided to take a 2nd try at my dinner. I measured out 2 oz of meat and potato and cut it up and mashed it all together. I ate as slow as I could over the course of 30 minutes. Seriously, have you ever tried eating 2oz of something over 30 minutes? The bites I was eating could more aptly be described as crumbs - if potatoes had crumbs, at least.
It all went down fine, thankfully, and I was ready to be finished well before I got to the end. Not sure why I kept eating but I figured it's 2 ounces for God's sake, it wouldn't kill me to eat the whole thing. I will have that potato and meat for another 6 meals at this rate.
So, I've come to the conclusion that my band is not too tight, that is, I don't need to go get fluid taken out to make it easier to eat again. It's just that I'm finally at that place where the idea of eating more than a tiny bit makes me nauseous and I'm actually concerned I may not get enough protein or nutrition.
I hope this is what I need to reboot my weight loss. I have to keep up with my normal (fairly hard core) exercise that I've let slack off due to all sorts of other things in the past month too. But eating 1/4 of what I'm used to certainly can't hurt. Right? I don't know.
Last night I went out do dinner with Steve and his dad and I wasn't hungry but ordered a baked potato with shredded pork on it anyway. I knew I'd only take a few bites, which I did. Small bites that I chew thoroughly and slowly. And after 3 of them I was full, probably well beyond full really, and I stopped. Sitting there over the next 15 minutes socializing and NOT eating anything, I began to get more and more uncomfortable. Pain in my head and back which I know means my stomach is overly full. All of a sudden, after all that time of not eating, I felt like I was going to hurl. I left the restaurant and it took about 15 more minutes of walking around outside and hacking up slimy goo for me to feel even mildly better. By the time we got home, an hour after I'd last eaten anything, I felt pretty much normal.
Reality is definitely hitting me. This is not my old life or my old body. The honeymoon I've been on with my band unfilled/very loose is not really what having a lapband is about. I've been thinking how easy all this has been and how I haven't had any ill effects from the band, but now I see that if I am not extremely careful about every little thing, I'm going to be in a world of pain.
Finally.
Later last night I was hungry and decided to take a 2nd try at my dinner. I measured out 2 oz of meat and potato and cut it up and mashed it all together. I ate as slow as I could over the course of 30 minutes. Seriously, have you ever tried eating 2oz of something over 30 minutes? The bites I was eating could more aptly be described as crumbs - if potatoes had crumbs, at least.
It all went down fine, thankfully, and I was ready to be finished well before I got to the end. Not sure why I kept eating but I figured it's 2 ounces for God's sake, it wouldn't kill me to eat the whole thing. I will have that potato and meat for another 6 meals at this rate.
So, I've come to the conclusion that my band is not too tight, that is, I don't need to go get fluid taken out to make it easier to eat again. It's just that I'm finally at that place where the idea of eating more than a tiny bit makes me nauseous and I'm actually concerned I may not get enough protein or nutrition.
I hope this is what I need to reboot my weight loss. I have to keep up with my normal (fairly hard core) exercise that I've let slack off due to all sorts of other things in the past month too. But eating 1/4 of what I'm used to certainly can't hurt. Right? I don't know.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Falling off
If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would lost 60 lbs I would not have believed them. But, if I had believed them, I would have thought, "Wow, 60lbs is a LOT! I won't be able to wear any of my clothes anymore, they'll all just be falling off. I'll be wasting away like a skeleton!" Back then, 60 lbs seemed like a lot more than it really is. I mean, it's a lot for sure, but it's not that much. There are people who've lost 100, 200, 300. Now their clothes are falling off them, I'm sure. They could probably swim in a pool the size of their old underwear if they wanted to. But 60? Not really that much - I now know.
Still, as I keep active on the message boards for people with Lap Bands, I see so much talk of this phenomenon of the falling clothes. People are constantly finding, when they least expect it, on their way to work, running to catch the bus, working out at the gym, their clothes are FALLING OFF of them. Left and right, it's like no one owns a belt or realizes that the should buy things a size smaller than they think they need so that it lasts longer. Or is it that they actually lose so much weight in one day that the pants they put on in the morning no longer fit them that afternoon? Either way, I don't understand it but mostly I'm jealous and I don't understand how come mine aren't doing the same thing.
In fact, I can still technically wear everything I owned at my heaviest, 63lbs ago. The clothes are roomy, sure. Loose, baggy, need a belt so my ass crack doesn't show when I bend over, but nothing is falling off. And you know what? That makes me feel kind of inadequate when I think of it. Thoughts such as, "maybe my 60lb loss is just an illusion or a broken scale." Or "maybe I'm only going to lose weight from weird places like my feet (which have gone down 1 size) but stop losing entirely from my waist and hips." Or even weirder is the fact that I can put on a size 14 jeans and they fit perfectly but I can put back on my old size 24s and they are still wearable. That is discouraging. For God's sake, I just want to be walking down the street and find my pants not capable of staying above my ankles, is that too much to ask??
So yesterday, I was preparing a bunch of clothes to donate to the Salvation Army and I came across a pair of Old Navy linen pants with a 42" waist. I don't remember them ever being tight on me but I know they did fit at one point. I tried them on to see if maybe, just maybe, these would be a pair that would fall off. Immediately, they were noticeably loose. I took a few hops around my bedroom and they started to move. A couple of jumping jacks and they were past my hips and there was no stopping them. The pants fell off of me completely, for the first time in my life! Now, I don't really feel like this counts because this is not a pair of pants I would be wearing out in public and all of the ones I do wear to work are in no danger of falling off. But maybe soon. With my recent band adjustment, I'm predicting to be under 200 for the first time in (???) years by Labor Day. Surely, 73 lbs would be enough that anything I owned before I started all this would start falling off, right? Right? Oh, and I guess I'd better buy some cute underwear if I'm planning on everything slipping off in the near future.
Still, as I keep active on the message boards for people with Lap Bands, I see so much talk of this phenomenon of the falling clothes. People are constantly finding, when they least expect it, on their way to work, running to catch the bus, working out at the gym, their clothes are FALLING OFF of them. Left and right, it's like no one owns a belt or realizes that the should buy things a size smaller than they think they need so that it lasts longer. Or is it that they actually lose so much weight in one day that the pants they put on in the morning no longer fit them that afternoon? Either way, I don't understand it but mostly I'm jealous and I don't understand how come mine aren't doing the same thing.
In fact, I can still technically wear everything I owned at my heaviest, 63lbs ago. The clothes are roomy, sure. Loose, baggy, need a belt so my ass crack doesn't show when I bend over, but nothing is falling off. And you know what? That makes me feel kind of inadequate when I think of it. Thoughts such as, "maybe my 60lb loss is just an illusion or a broken scale." Or "maybe I'm only going to lose weight from weird places like my feet (which have gone down 1 size) but stop losing entirely from my waist and hips." Or even weirder is the fact that I can put on a size 14 jeans and they fit perfectly but I can put back on my old size 24s and they are still wearable. That is discouraging. For God's sake, I just want to be walking down the street and find my pants not capable of staying above my ankles, is that too much to ask??
So yesterday, I was preparing a bunch of clothes to donate to the Salvation Army and I came across a pair of Old Navy linen pants with a 42" waist. I don't remember them ever being tight on me but I know they did fit at one point. I tried them on to see if maybe, just maybe, these would be a pair that would fall off. Immediately, they were noticeably loose. I took a few hops around my bedroom and they started to move. A couple of jumping jacks and they were past my hips and there was no stopping them. The pants fell off of me completely, for the first time in my life! Now, I don't really feel like this counts because this is not a pair of pants I would be wearing out in public and all of the ones I do wear to work are in no danger of falling off. But maybe soon. With my recent band adjustment, I'm predicting to be under 200 for the first time in (???) years by Labor Day. Surely, 73 lbs would be enough that anything I owned before I started all this would start falling off, right? Right? Oh, and I guess I'd better buy some cute underwear if I'm planning on everything slipping off in the near future.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Um...is this what they were talking about?
Major update time, folks. Sorry for not posting lately (I say as if anyone is sitting around with baited breathe, anxiously awaiting my next entry!) Life has been really busy, and good. Great really.
In the band realm, the past month has been hard because since my appointment on July 2nd at which I told Dr. A that I thought I was good without a fill, I've been regretting that and feeling like more than anything I did need one. I wasn't supposed to go back till 8/13 but I called in mid-July and got bumped up to 8/5. He put in a whole CC which means I have either 4.5 or 5 depending on whose math is correct. I believe I only have 4.5 cause he took out .5 of the initial 3.5 he gave me back in May. But he told me I have 5 now so I'll go with that. 5 is definitely around the point where I should be feeling it (my band only holds 10ccs so from here onward it's more full than empty.) And man, am I feeling it!
I have only ever felt this tight immediately after surgery and never even close to this after my first 2 fills. Well, 3rd one's a charm - I can only hope. But what a sudden change! For the past month I've been able to eat whatever and however much of it I could want. Not that I have been, but I know I could. I have not been satisfied on solid protein and vegetables the way I had been previously and I started experimenting with pizza, pasta, and bread again in my last week before the fill. I didn't gain any weight, in fact my own scale had me at 211.6 the morning of my appointment, but that was due to my own diligence in limiting myself even while I felt I could, in theory, have eaten my way back to 273 most days. Then there were the few, very few, odd days where the extreme heat and humidity did something weird and took away my desire and ability to eat. Those days I drank protein shakes and enjoyed the wonderful new feeling of not being hungry. But most days I felt as though my band had fallen off, disappeared, or just vaporized. Maybe it was absorbed into my body or something? Ohhhhh no it didn't! It's still there. Took another CC of fluid to prove it but it's definitely live and kicking.
I got the adjustment on Thursday at 4pm. My doctor is always impressed with my loss but this month I was being down on myself cause I only registered has having lost 5.5 lbs. The first thing that happened sort of lightened the mood a bit. Dr. A walked into the room holding the printout from the computer with all my numbers and said "I think they messed these up." I immediately figured he was referring to my small loss of 5 lbs this month and said, "No, I just had a hard month." He shook his head no and said something wasn't right and they (the nurses who take weight and enter it into the computer) had done something wrong. Turns out they had. They'd entered me at 288 somehow instead of my actual reading. So, about 75lbs more than I actually am, if my math is correct (it's probably not.) Anyway, that was funny and got me a bit more relaxed. I told him I thought he was making fun of me for not losing more this month and he said something along the lines of "I tell you every time, you're at where we expect people 3 years out" which I don't believe but ok. And then he said he wished 50% of his patients were as successful as me and that made me feel very good.
So, on to what happened next, I got another CC bringing me to 5 by his count. I drank the glass of water slowly with no trouble. I left. Come to find out that anything more than water is a different story. For the past 2 days I have been walking around perpetually drifting between extremely hungry and 2 sips later - OMG gonna puke. I got STUCK on a couple of bites of liquidy instant oatmeal and after a few minutes had to hack it up cause it was just too painful to keep trying to keep it down. I have never experienced tightness like this, at least not since the first few days after surgery, so I've been going back and forth since Thursday night between loving it and wondering if I'm too tight.
It's been well over 48 hours now and finally I can drink water at a normal pace without feeling icky. I had what I approximate to be 1 tablespoon of guacamole for dinner along with a bite of cottage cheese and a teaspoon of diced up tomato/onion "pico de gallo." The really delicious protein smoothie I made for myself this morning is still in the fridge cause 2 spoonfulls of it is enough to satisfy me for hours. I know this will change as the swelling goes down but this is amazing! I have no idea how long it'll last and I'm hoping at least for 2 weeks of this kind of restriction even if I have to eat softer foods for a bit. It would just be so nice. I take one bite and I have no interest in the food anymore and I've already learned that it's not worth it to take an extra bite just to see (that ends badly.) Fingers crossed...
But anyway, I'm enjoying it for now. Despite being a little bit frustrating to really want to enjoy even a few bites of something and really not being able to. I don't care! This is what I asked for after all, this tool to help me. And right now it feels like a power tool. Industrial strength.
In the band realm, the past month has been hard because since my appointment on July 2nd at which I told Dr. A that I thought I was good without a fill, I've been regretting that and feeling like more than anything I did need one. I wasn't supposed to go back till 8/13 but I called in mid-July and got bumped up to 8/5. He put in a whole CC which means I have either 4.5 or 5 depending on whose math is correct. I believe I only have 4.5 cause he took out .5 of the initial 3.5 he gave me back in May. But he told me I have 5 now so I'll go with that. 5 is definitely around the point where I should be feeling it (my band only holds 10ccs so from here onward it's more full than empty.) And man, am I feeling it!
I have only ever felt this tight immediately after surgery and never even close to this after my first 2 fills. Well, 3rd one's a charm - I can only hope. But what a sudden change! For the past month I've been able to eat whatever and however much of it I could want. Not that I have been, but I know I could. I have not been satisfied on solid protein and vegetables the way I had been previously and I started experimenting with pizza, pasta, and bread again in my last week before the fill. I didn't gain any weight, in fact my own scale had me at 211.6 the morning of my appointment, but that was due to my own diligence in limiting myself even while I felt I could, in theory, have eaten my way back to 273 most days. Then there were the few, very few, odd days where the extreme heat and humidity did something weird and took away my desire and ability to eat. Those days I drank protein shakes and enjoyed the wonderful new feeling of not being hungry. But most days I felt as though my band had fallen off, disappeared, or just vaporized. Maybe it was absorbed into my body or something? Ohhhhh no it didn't! It's still there. Took another CC of fluid to prove it but it's definitely live and kicking.
I got the adjustment on Thursday at 4pm. My doctor is always impressed with my loss but this month I was being down on myself cause I only registered has having lost 5.5 lbs. The first thing that happened sort of lightened the mood a bit. Dr. A walked into the room holding the printout from the computer with all my numbers and said "I think they messed these up." I immediately figured he was referring to my small loss of 5 lbs this month and said, "No, I just had a hard month." He shook his head no and said something wasn't right and they (the nurses who take weight and enter it into the computer) had done something wrong. Turns out they had. They'd entered me at 288 somehow instead of my actual reading. So, about 75lbs more than I actually am, if my math is correct (it's probably not.) Anyway, that was funny and got me a bit more relaxed. I told him I thought he was making fun of me for not losing more this month and he said something along the lines of "I tell you every time, you're at where we expect people 3 years out" which I don't believe but ok. And then he said he wished 50% of his patients were as successful as me and that made me feel very good.
So, on to what happened next, I got another CC bringing me to 5 by his count. I drank the glass of water slowly with no trouble. I left. Come to find out that anything more than water is a different story. For the past 2 days I have been walking around perpetually drifting between extremely hungry and 2 sips later - OMG gonna puke. I got STUCK on a couple of bites of liquidy instant oatmeal and after a few minutes had to hack it up cause it was just too painful to keep trying to keep it down. I have never experienced tightness like this, at least not since the first few days after surgery, so I've been going back and forth since Thursday night between loving it and wondering if I'm too tight.
It's been well over 48 hours now and finally I can drink water at a normal pace without feeling icky. I had what I approximate to be 1 tablespoon of guacamole for dinner along with a bite of cottage cheese and a teaspoon of diced up tomato/onion "pico de gallo." The really delicious protein smoothie I made for myself this morning is still in the fridge cause 2 spoonfulls of it is enough to satisfy me for hours. I know this will change as the swelling goes down but this is amazing! I have no idea how long it'll last and I'm hoping at least for 2 weeks of this kind of restriction even if I have to eat softer foods for a bit. It would just be so nice. I take one bite and I have no interest in the food anymore and I've already learned that it's not worth it to take an extra bite just to see (that ends badly.) Fingers crossed...
But anyway, I'm enjoying it for now. Despite being a little bit frustrating to really want to enjoy even a few bites of something and really not being able to. I don't care! This is what I asked for after all, this tool to help me. And right now it feels like a power tool. Industrial strength.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Already "there"
I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreaming. But there's a voice inside my head saying "you'll never reach it."
Yes, the great Miley Cyrus sure knows what she's talking about.
I've been feeling kind of frustrated the past few days. I've gained 3 lbs in the past 5 days even though that's counting from what was probably an artificial drop to 214.8. I am now back to 217.6 and am wondering "where did I go wrong?" I've been doing pretty much the same as I always have though my exercise has gotten out of whack since my vacation about 2 weeks ago. I'm still doing something everyday but my heavy gym time and rock climbing have had to be put on hold for other obligations. Hoping to get back in the normal routine starting Monday. So I've been anxious: what if this is it? What if I start to regain everything I've already lost? What if the easy part is over and now I have to kill myself to lose a single pound from here on out? I'm letting myself spiral into an overwhelming amount of negative thoughts and I've decided this needs to stop now. So here I am journaling to get it all out in the open - even if I'm the only one who reads it.
Even at 217 I am lighter than I have been in probably 10 years, I have no idea! The lowest weight on any of my previous 5 year medical records (which I had to collect for the surgery approval) was 240. I vaguely remember being 220 at some age, maybe 13? So, let's think about this for a moment. I am at the lowest weight of my adult life, fitting into size Medium shirts and 14 pants, able to do anything I want physically and not hungry all the time? And I'm complaining? Jesus! I've lost sight of why I started this all to begin with and maybe I need to take a major re-read of my blog from the beginning.
Sure, I still feel really fat. In fact, I feel larger than I did when I started, probably just due to the heavy focus on everything. But for crying out loud, I'm not! When I started, I said that if I lost 50lbs it would be a wild success because I had never done that before or even come close. So why all of a sudden is 55lbs not good enough for me? No one in my life is making me feel as though I'm not doing well enough. And I can shop in normal stores for the first time ever, walk into places with confidence knowing I'll find something that fits, and in some cases not even need the biggest size on the rack. My endurance has skyrocketed - I don't get out of breath in the least when I do things that use to make me pant. Riding my horse is a whole new experience and I feel more stable and secure in the saddle where I used to feel like a mess all over the place.
There are so many little things that have improved, so why am I focusing on the stupid scale numbers or clothing sizes? And even if I am, my doctor told me when I saw him last week that what I've lost so far (41% of my "excess weight") is what is expected in about 2 years on average. It's been 3.5 months! I need to continue to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. And that in many ways stop worrying about "getting there" or fantasizing about what things will be like when I can say I weigh 199 or wear a size 12. I'm already here, right? I've proven that with the band I can lose 50 lbs and I should be even more confident that I can lose 50 more if I want, not afraid that my luck has run out.
So, I'd better get out my ipod and start listening to my kickass workout music. And Miley...she's right about something if I could just keep remembering:
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.
PS - Here is a picture of my new shirt. Ladies Medium from H&M. Which kind of freaks me out because I look like I should still be wearing a 2XL. Shut up, shut up, shut up, head!
Yes, the great Miley Cyrus sure knows what she's talking about.
I've been feeling kind of frustrated the past few days. I've gained 3 lbs in the past 5 days even though that's counting from what was probably an artificial drop to 214.8. I am now back to 217.6 and am wondering "where did I go wrong?" I've been doing pretty much the same as I always have though my exercise has gotten out of whack since my vacation about 2 weeks ago. I'm still doing something everyday but my heavy gym time and rock climbing have had to be put on hold for other obligations. Hoping to get back in the normal routine starting Monday. So I've been anxious: what if this is it? What if I start to regain everything I've already lost? What if the easy part is over and now I have to kill myself to lose a single pound from here on out? I'm letting myself spiral into an overwhelming amount of negative thoughts and I've decided this needs to stop now. So here I am journaling to get it all out in the open - even if I'm the only one who reads it.
Even at 217 I am lighter than I have been in probably 10 years, I have no idea! The lowest weight on any of my previous 5 year medical records (which I had to collect for the surgery approval) was 240. I vaguely remember being 220 at some age, maybe 13? So, let's think about this for a moment. I am at the lowest weight of my adult life, fitting into size Medium shirts and 14 pants, able to do anything I want physically and not hungry all the time? And I'm complaining? Jesus! I've lost sight of why I started this all to begin with and maybe I need to take a major re-read of my blog from the beginning.
Sure, I still feel really fat. In fact, I feel larger than I did when I started, probably just due to the heavy focus on everything. But for crying out loud, I'm not! When I started, I said that if I lost 50lbs it would be a wild success because I had never done that before or even come close. So why all of a sudden is 55lbs not good enough for me? No one in my life is making me feel as though I'm not doing well enough. And I can shop in normal stores for the first time ever, walk into places with confidence knowing I'll find something that fits, and in some cases not even need the biggest size on the rack. My endurance has skyrocketed - I don't get out of breath in the least when I do things that use to make me pant. Riding my horse is a whole new experience and I feel more stable and secure in the saddle where I used to feel like a mess all over the place.
There are so many little things that have improved, so why am I focusing on the stupid scale numbers or clothing sizes? And even if I am, my doctor told me when I saw him last week that what I've lost so far (41% of my "excess weight") is what is expected in about 2 years on average. It's been 3.5 months! I need to continue to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. And that in many ways stop worrying about "getting there" or fantasizing about what things will be like when I can say I weigh 199 or wear a size 12. I'm already here, right? I've proven that with the band I can lose 50 lbs and I should be even more confident that I can lose 50 more if I want, not afraid that my luck has run out.
So, I'd better get out my ipod and start listening to my kickass workout music. And Miley...she's right about something if I could just keep remembering:
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.
PS - Here is a picture of my new shirt. Ladies Medium from H&M. Which kind of freaks me out because I look like I should still be wearing a 2XL. Shut up, shut up, shut up, head!
Monday, June 21, 2010
The first 50 lbs
6/19/10 - I woke up this morning and found myself at 219.2 which means I'm 53.8 lbs down from where I started. I'm expecting a little bit of a rebound since I was very active this weekend and might be a tad on the dehydrated side, but fingers crossed that doesn't happen and I just keep going down.
Yesterday we went shopping (it was supposed to be mostly stuff for Steve but I ended up getting a good deal of clothes too.) Even though I don't see the difference in myself really, I am continually amazed at what clothes are fitting. I walked into American Eagle and was able to pick up a tank top and shirt in XL (women's) which seems like an impossible thing to be true. I never thought I liked American Eagle clothes but I wonder how much of my tastes in clothing have always been due to not having a choice to wear them.
6/24/10 Never finished this post, so here's the rest of it. I went to work on Monday in my new outfit. 14/16 jean leggings from Lane Bryant (I can almost not wear anything there anymore, oh happy day!) - a tank from American Eagle, and the shirt from Torrid. I think it looks great but at the same time I continue to have a mental block regarding my actual size, even when I see pictures of myself now compared with a year ago.
So here's a picture of the new outfit.
Otherwise, things are going very well. I haven't had any issues with the band really. I've felt "stuck" a couple of times but it always resolves itself within a few minutes. It hurts like hell though and I never EVER want to experience a real stuck episode. Eating in the morning is tougher now than before. I probably won't ask for another fill when I have my next appointment on July 2nd cause I'd like to ride out the bit of restriction I have currently without upping it. I have to keep reminding myself it's not a race and even though I'd like to be down under 200 by 6 months post op (9/17/10) that's only 20 lbs from now and I may very well beat that goal. And if I don't that's ok too. Or so I say now even though I'll be a little disappointed.
I realize that for people reading this who are not part of my otherwise "real life" you might think that I am completely preoccupied with this stuff. But really, there are so many other things going on that are truly wonderful that sometimes I completely forget I've got this odd little silicon implant. So here's a shout out to all the people who are there with me every day and keep me on the right track and put up with my craziness. Love you all.
Yesterday we went shopping (it was supposed to be mostly stuff for Steve but I ended up getting a good deal of clothes too.) Even though I don't see the difference in myself really, I am continually amazed at what clothes are fitting. I walked into American Eagle and was able to pick up a tank top and shirt in XL (women's) which seems like an impossible thing to be true. I never thought I liked American Eagle clothes but I wonder how much of my tastes in clothing have always been due to not having a choice to wear them.
6/24/10 Never finished this post, so here's the rest of it. I went to work on Monday in my new outfit. 14/16 jean leggings from Lane Bryant (I can almost not wear anything there anymore, oh happy day!) - a tank from American Eagle, and the shirt from Torrid. I think it looks great but at the same time I continue to have a mental block regarding my actual size, even when I see pictures of myself now compared with a year ago.
So here's a picture of the new outfit.
Otherwise, things are going very well. I haven't had any issues with the band really. I've felt "stuck" a couple of times but it always resolves itself within a few minutes. It hurts like hell though and I never EVER want to experience a real stuck episode. Eating in the morning is tougher now than before. I probably won't ask for another fill when I have my next appointment on July 2nd cause I'd like to ride out the bit of restriction I have currently without upping it. I have to keep reminding myself it's not a race and even though I'd like to be down under 200 by 6 months post op (9/17/10) that's only 20 lbs from now and I may very well beat that goal. And if I don't that's ok too. Or so I say now even though I'll be a little disappointed.
I realize that for people reading this who are not part of my otherwise "real life" you might think that I am completely preoccupied with this stuff. But really, there are so many other things going on that are truly wonderful that sometimes I completely forget I've got this odd little silicon implant. So here's a shout out to all the people who are there with me every day and keep me on the right track and put up with my craziness. Love you all.
Monday, June 14, 2010
50lbs, Clothes, and Cupcakes
Monday (today) is when I officially count my progress and I'm happy to say that I'm at 224, another 2 lbs down from last week and 6 lbs down from several weeks ago when I was fretting over being back up in the 30s. My resolve is strengthened through these little ups and downs and I am actually starting to really, truly believe that if I just keep following the rules then I'll get there. This means that 1 lb from now (so maybe by Friday of this week) I will have lost 50lbs from my official starting weight. That is something I never thought I'd be able to say in my life. It's amazing, and if it stopped here, I'd be happy. But I don't want it to either.
The past week I've really busted my ass, sticking with the high protein/low carb thing, and exercising O!M!G! exercising. I killed it at rock climbing last week. Did a 5.3 and a 5.4 route for the first time ever. When I started climbing in December of last year I could only blaze my own trail instead of following the routes and sure, it's not that big of a deal that I can now sort of do some of the easier ones (some of - not all by any means.) But Damn! It's an improvement. And it is easier now than it used to be.
Then yesterday, I came THIS close to running a 10 minute mile, which wasn't even really an ambition of mine till I was on the treadmill - at which point I thought, "Hmmm, wouldn't that be cool if I could run this mile in 10 minutes?" I ended up at about 10:30 but that still beats the pants of my fastest previous time of 11:50! I'm getting excited about doing the 5K for the AIDS Walk/Run in October. At this rate, I might actually do the 5K in under 40 minutes which would be amazing. But just finishing it at all would be really thrilling too.
I've been selling some clothes of mine on ebay since they a) don't fit anymore or b) are just not my style and it's time to get rid of them. Here are 2 things no one in my life currently has ever seen me wear or ever will again, but I took pictures of them on cause it sells better that way than just lying flat on a table. And it's weird, I actually think they look good. Who would have thought? Not me, certainly. And I think I can say they look good because my head is not in the picture so it's not really me. *I* don't look good in dresses or pink things but this body does.
So today was a special thing at work (actually this whole week is) and they kicked it off with these killer cupcakes. I decided to have half of one since it's not something they do often. It was good, not the best I've ever had, but pretty good. And I was successful in eating half and throwing the rest away. I feel slightly bad about doing that but I keep telling myself I CANNOT live the rest of my life without eating a piece of cupcake. I can't even live the rest of the next year without that. I eat my dark chocolate every night because it's something I can have a small piece of and it's not high in sugar (70 percentage or higher cocoa, very little sugar actually) so I just won't have that today and we'll call it even.
Lastly, here is a picture I took last week in a new shirt, a men's medium. I love the shirt (in a purely ironic way, not cause I'm a Jesus Freak.) I think I can see the difference in myself particularly well in this picture. Less bulges than I'm used to seeing.
That's all for now, I guess. I'll definitely make a big post when I hit 50lbs for real.
The past week I've really busted my ass, sticking with the high protein/low carb thing, and exercising O!M!G! exercising. I killed it at rock climbing last week. Did a 5.3 and a 5.4 route for the first time ever. When I started climbing in December of last year I could only blaze my own trail instead of following the routes and sure, it's not that big of a deal that I can now sort of do some of the easier ones (some of - not all by any means.) But Damn! It's an improvement. And it is easier now than it used to be.
Then yesterday, I came THIS close to running a 10 minute mile, which wasn't even really an ambition of mine till I was on the treadmill - at which point I thought, "Hmmm, wouldn't that be cool if I could run this mile in 10 minutes?" I ended up at about 10:30 but that still beats the pants of my fastest previous time of 11:50! I'm getting excited about doing the 5K for the AIDS Walk/Run in October. At this rate, I might actually do the 5K in under 40 minutes which would be amazing. But just finishing it at all would be really thrilling too.
I've been selling some clothes of mine on ebay since they a) don't fit anymore or b) are just not my style and it's time to get rid of them. Here are 2 things no one in my life currently has ever seen me wear or ever will again, but I took pictures of them on cause it sells better that way than just lying flat on a table. And it's weird, I actually think they look good. Who would have thought? Not me, certainly. And I think I can say they look good because my head is not in the picture so it's not really me. *I* don't look good in dresses or pink things but this body does.
So today was a special thing at work (actually this whole week is) and they kicked it off with these killer cupcakes. I decided to have half of one since it's not something they do often. It was good, not the best I've ever had, but pretty good. And I was successful in eating half and throwing the rest away. I feel slightly bad about doing that but I keep telling myself I CANNOT live the rest of my life without eating a piece of cupcake. I can't even live the rest of the next year without that. I eat my dark chocolate every night because it's something I can have a small piece of and it's not high in sugar (70 percentage or higher cocoa, very little sugar actually) so I just won't have that today and we'll call it even.
Lastly, here is a picture I took last week in a new shirt, a men's medium. I love the shirt (in a purely ironic way, not cause I'm a Jesus Freak.) I think I can see the difference in myself particularly well in this picture. Less bulges than I'm used to seeing.
That's all for now, I guess. I'll definitely make a big post when I hit 50lbs for real.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Down and Up
My scale is making me angry but I'm trying not to focus on that. My joy at being in the 220s was short lived but I am hoping that the small amount of fluid I got added to my band today will make all the difference and bounce me down nearly into the teens within a couple of weeks.
I went out of town over Memorial Day weekend and I didn't go crazy with food but I abandoned the low carb thing I've been doing in favor of just enjoying myself. I really expected to have put on a few pounds but when I came back I was still 229 and then the next day (official weigh day) 228 so I figured all was good. Got back on my high protein diet starting Tuesday and somehow managed to inch back up to 230 between then and now! I keep reminding myself that these things happen and it's par for the course. AND my clothes are fitting great, my exercise is going well, and I'm starting to feel bones in my shoulders I never knew existed. So I'm truly not concerned about the slight gain. But a small part of me does feel like it sucks to be out of the 20s. Nothing a couple of days of liquid can't fix though!
I got some fluid added this morning, my 2nd fill, so I'm back on liquids for 2 days then purees for 2 more and it's nearly impossible to do low carb on liquids cause all I can really have is soup and protein shakes, with minimal carbs. For some variety I can do sugar free pudding, yogurt, cream of wheat, and other things that are in no way low carb. I think I'll enjoy the ability to branch out while I have it for a few days and go back to my solid protein and vegetable rules once I'm on solids.
In the meantime, my doctor thinks I'm doing fantastic, even if their scale only registered me losing 8 lbs in the past month (with clothes on the numbers don't quite add up the way they do on my own scale.) According to them I'm 232 and my surgeon told me this morning I've lost 34% of my "excess weight" which for 3 months post-op is incredible! He told me my loss so far is average for people 1 year out! I cannot believe that but he said it's true. That prompted me to do a bit of happy/congratulatory/self esteem building writing on OH where I frequently read and post.
Here's what I wrote:
I just got to work after my appointment this morning in which I got my 2nd fill. I asked for and got 1/2 cc which means I've still only got 3.5 in me total. My doctor didn't oppose me asking for a slight fill at all, though he always seems to laugh at me when I say I "could be doing better" and told me today that the percentage of my weight that I've lost 3 months post-op is what is average at 1 year.
I find this really hard to believe! I see a lot of people on the forums here who have lost 100+ lbs in a year, not 40-something. Though there are those people too - but they seem to think there is something wrong with them.
Are our expectations for ourselves and this surgery just simply too high? Did anyone tell you before you had it that at a year out you are expected on average to have lost 33% of your excess weight? I guess I read the statistics but I just figured they didn't apply to me because I've always been an anomaly in other areas of my life. I'm not complaining, seriously, don't take it that way. I am so happy to be succeeding and I'm glad that when I go into my doctor he tells me how successful I am (such a change from my previous life where doctors could only scold me for "not taking better care" of myself.)
But how much of this stressing over our surgeries is self imposed? I think even though we all kind of know that the band is not RNY we still compare ourselves to people who've had other types of WLS. Instead, we should compare ourselves to people on weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem. I think my banded life has a lot more in common with a plain old dieter than other WLS patients, a lot of the time.
That's not to say that I don't love having the band or that it doesn't make it a hell of a lot easier to actually lose some weight. It absolutely does and I know I couldn't have done any of this without the help of the band. But we need to stop complaining about "only" losing 20lbs or "only" losing 1 lb a week or whatever it might be. Myself included. Look at what people on diets are losing and I guarantee it's much less and much slower (or quick and gained back just as quickly.)
I hope that everyone out there is feeling great about their own progress today, no matter how large or small it may be compared to other people's. I still cannot imagine myself actually ever getting to 100 lbs lost (though 50 is becoming more feasible) but I have to believe that if I keep doing what I'm doing that it will keep working.
###
I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from people, thanking me for posting, and I'm glad it has helped others remember to feel good about their success. I know I sure do! Despite the fact that I really do want to keep going and get down further, I know that if this is all I could do, I'm still in so much better of a place than I was 4 months ago before I started this process. But there's no way I'm finished yet!
I went out of town over Memorial Day weekend and I didn't go crazy with food but I abandoned the low carb thing I've been doing in favor of just enjoying myself. I really expected to have put on a few pounds but when I came back I was still 229 and then the next day (official weigh day) 228 so I figured all was good. Got back on my high protein diet starting Tuesday and somehow managed to inch back up to 230 between then and now! I keep reminding myself that these things happen and it's par for the course. AND my clothes are fitting great, my exercise is going well, and I'm starting to feel bones in my shoulders I never knew existed. So I'm truly not concerned about the slight gain. But a small part of me does feel like it sucks to be out of the 20s. Nothing a couple of days of liquid can't fix though!
I got some fluid added this morning, my 2nd fill, so I'm back on liquids for 2 days then purees for 2 more and it's nearly impossible to do low carb on liquids cause all I can really have is soup and protein shakes, with minimal carbs. For some variety I can do sugar free pudding, yogurt, cream of wheat, and other things that are in no way low carb. I think I'll enjoy the ability to branch out while I have it for a few days and go back to my solid protein and vegetable rules once I'm on solids.
In the meantime, my doctor thinks I'm doing fantastic, even if their scale only registered me losing 8 lbs in the past month (with clothes on the numbers don't quite add up the way they do on my own scale.) According to them I'm 232 and my surgeon told me this morning I've lost 34% of my "excess weight" which for 3 months post-op is incredible! He told me my loss so far is average for people 1 year out! I cannot believe that but he said it's true. That prompted me to do a bit of happy/congratulatory/self esteem building writing on OH where I frequently read and post.
Here's what I wrote:
I just got to work after my appointment this morning in which I got my 2nd fill. I asked for and got 1/2 cc which means I've still only got 3.5 in me total. My doctor didn't oppose me asking for a slight fill at all, though he always seems to laugh at me when I say I "could be doing better" and told me today that the percentage of my weight that I've lost 3 months post-op is what is average at 1 year.
I find this really hard to believe! I see a lot of people on the forums here who have lost 100+ lbs in a year, not 40-something. Though there are those people too - but they seem to think there is something wrong with them.
Are our expectations for ourselves and this surgery just simply too high? Did anyone tell you before you had it that at a year out you are expected on average to have lost 33% of your excess weight? I guess I read the statistics but I just figured they didn't apply to me because I've always been an anomaly in other areas of my life. I'm not complaining, seriously, don't take it that way. I am so happy to be succeeding and I'm glad that when I go into my doctor he tells me how successful I am (such a change from my previous life where doctors could only scold me for "not taking better care" of myself.)
But how much of this stressing over our surgeries is self imposed? I think even though we all kind of know that the band is not RNY we still compare ourselves to people who've had other types of WLS. Instead, we should compare ourselves to people on weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem. I think my banded life has a lot more in common with a plain old dieter than other WLS patients, a lot of the time.
That's not to say that I don't love having the band or that it doesn't make it a hell of a lot easier to actually lose some weight. It absolutely does and I know I couldn't have done any of this without the help of the band. But we need to stop complaining about "only" losing 20lbs or "only" losing 1 lb a week or whatever it might be. Myself included. Look at what people on diets are losing and I guarantee it's much less and much slower (or quick and gained back just as quickly.)
I hope that everyone out there is feeling great about their own progress today, no matter how large or small it may be compared to other people's. I still cannot imagine myself actually ever getting to 100 lbs lost (though 50 is becoming more feasible) but I have to believe that if I keep doing what I'm doing that it will keep working.
###
I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from people, thanking me for posting, and I'm glad it has helped others remember to feel good about their success. I know I sure do! Despite the fact that I really do want to keep going and get down further, I know that if this is all I could do, I'm still in so much better of a place than I was 4 months ago before I started this process. But there's no way I'm finished yet!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Victories on and off the scale
Today is 10 weeks post-op and I am...(drumroll please)...
228.4!!
I cannot remember last time I was in the 220s, I think I might have been 14 and I certainly never thought I'd be here again. I also was withholding judgment on whether the lap-band was working/would work for me until I got into the 220s because the lowest I ever remember being from dieting on my own was just above 230. My stubborn body just refused to lose anything further and by the time I got there I was so disheartened by the difficulty of those 20-30 lbs I'd lost that I couldn't stand to keep going. So making it beyond 230 is a huge milestone for me and not one I thought I would see so quickly. What's even more exciting and encouraging is that it hasn't been that hard. I know, that sounds crazy, I mean I did a liquid diet for 4 weeks, underwent major surgery, have been exercising my ass off, and being really careful about what I'm eating and when and how. So easy? Am I nuts? No... I think what's made it "easy" in my mind is the one thing that's different about everything I've tried in the past, which is "it works!" I read somewhere that when you get a lapband everything you've heard about dieting becomes true. And it really does. I do what I'm supposed to and I lose weight. A novel concept!
So there's the scale victory and now for the non-scale.
Last night I went to the gym at night which I don't normally do, so that meant I had unlimited time (as opposed to my 30 minute maximum before rushing off to work.) I took my time stretching out and then decided to just go for it and jog 5K, cause I knew I could. Now, I may have technically jogged this far (3.1 miles) when I was 18. I did a lot of jogging then. But that was 8 years ago so it doesn't even count. For all practical purposes, this was the first time I've ever jogged 5K. My first mile was about 11 minutes and I didn't know if I could do 2 more but I slowed down a little and alternated between 4mph and as fast as 6.7mph. I netted out at 3.1 miles/5k in 41:50. That's not a good time by anyone else's standards but for me it was wonderful. I felt great when I was done and I spent a long time stretching out and cooling down. Now, I'd be lying if I said I am looking forward to taking up running as a hobby or wanting to run more and more and faster and faster but it's such a good feeling to know that I can jog for over 40 minutes and a) not fall over b) not pass out c) feel like I could have done a little bit more even.
228.4!!
I cannot remember last time I was in the 220s, I think I might have been 14 and I certainly never thought I'd be here again. I also was withholding judgment on whether the lap-band was working/would work for me until I got into the 220s because the lowest I ever remember being from dieting on my own was just above 230. My stubborn body just refused to lose anything further and by the time I got there I was so disheartened by the difficulty of those 20-30 lbs I'd lost that I couldn't stand to keep going. So making it beyond 230 is a huge milestone for me and not one I thought I would see so quickly. What's even more exciting and encouraging is that it hasn't been that hard. I know, that sounds crazy, I mean I did a liquid diet for 4 weeks, underwent major surgery, have been exercising my ass off, and being really careful about what I'm eating and when and how. So easy? Am I nuts? No... I think what's made it "easy" in my mind is the one thing that's different about everything I've tried in the past, which is "it works!" I read somewhere that when you get a lapband everything you've heard about dieting becomes true. And it really does. I do what I'm supposed to and I lose weight. A novel concept!
So there's the scale victory and now for the non-scale.
Last night I went to the gym at night which I don't normally do, so that meant I had unlimited time (as opposed to my 30 minute maximum before rushing off to work.) I took my time stretching out and then decided to just go for it and jog 5K, cause I knew I could. Now, I may have technically jogged this far (3.1 miles) when I was 18. I did a lot of jogging then. But that was 8 years ago so it doesn't even count. For all practical purposes, this was the first time I've ever jogged 5K. My first mile was about 11 minutes and I didn't know if I could do 2 more but I slowed down a little and alternated between 4mph and as fast as 6.7mph. I netted out at 3.1 miles/5k in 41:50. That's not a good time by anyone else's standards but for me it was wonderful. I felt great when I was done and I spent a long time stretching out and cooling down. Now, I'd be lying if I said I am looking forward to taking up running as a hobby or wanting to run more and more and faster and faster but it's such a good feeling to know that I can jog for over 40 minutes and a) not fall over b) not pass out c) feel like I could have done a little bit more even.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Picture of the weekend
Went riding yesterday and Steve took this great picture, among many others. I will hopefully have some video to post soon too. I love my horse so much, it just makes the whole weekend go well.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Revelation for a new bandster: It's not Thanksgiving
This thought has been brewing for a few weeks or maybe longer. I finally decided to put it down in writing. It comes from something I heard someone say earlier on, maybe right after my surgery. She said when we're seeking that full feeling it's like we're expecting Thanksgiving or something. And having lap band is NOT thanksgiving. It's been a really slow process and certainly 8 weeks out from surgery I am not "there" yet but I try to keep this mantra in mind when I might tend to overeat.
Repeat after me: It's not Thanksgiving, It's not Thanksgiving, It's not Thanksgiving...
What does this mean?
My entire life I have been chasing this feeling of fullness, which to me translates into "I cannot possibly eat one more bite." which in turn makes "yeah, I could probably eat one more bite" feel like hunger - which it's certainly not!
My overeating has been primarily due to my love of yummy food and my constant "hunger" which I now know may not have been as constant as I thought. There is a difference between being full and "not hungry" but I never knew that. No one ever told me and certainly no one ever taught me by example. As a kid I was always being told to eat less, which of course only made me inclined to sneak food and eat more as an act of rebellion and as a way to assert my own control over my body. Now I see that the psychology of it all is not healthy. It doesn't nourish my body better and it certainly never kept me from being "hungry."
If you have a hunger for anything (food or any activity or substance) that cannot be satisfied no matter how much of it you get, then I would venture to say that the food (or other issue) is not really what it's about.
If my body had really been hungry all those years then eating would have made some sort of difference. Yet I was the type of person who could never really be full no matter how much I'd eaten. So it's taken 26 years and a major surgery to realize that I never was really hungry after all. I mean sure, sometimes I had to have been, but the majority of the time I wasn't hungry. I wasn't "full" either but you're not supposed to be. You're not supposed to walk around like you've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner after every meal.
I guess I just figured everyone else except me did.
Repeat after me: It's not Thanksgiving, It's not Thanksgiving, It's not Thanksgiving...
What does this mean?
My entire life I have been chasing this feeling of fullness, which to me translates into "I cannot possibly eat one more bite." which in turn makes "yeah, I could probably eat one more bite" feel like hunger - which it's certainly not!
My overeating has been primarily due to my love of yummy food and my constant "hunger" which I now know may not have been as constant as I thought. There is a difference between being full and "not hungry" but I never knew that. No one ever told me and certainly no one ever taught me by example. As a kid I was always being told to eat less, which of course only made me inclined to sneak food and eat more as an act of rebellion and as a way to assert my own control over my body. Now I see that the psychology of it all is not healthy. It doesn't nourish my body better and it certainly never kept me from being "hungry."
If you have a hunger for anything (food or any activity or substance) that cannot be satisfied no matter how much of it you get, then I would venture to say that the food (or other issue) is not really what it's about.
If my body had really been hungry all those years then eating would have made some sort of difference. Yet I was the type of person who could never really be full no matter how much I'd eaten. So it's taken 26 years and a major surgery to realize that I never was really hungry after all. I mean sure, sometimes I had to have been, but the majority of the time I wasn't hungry. I wasn't "full" either but you're not supposed to be. You're not supposed to walk around like you've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner after every meal.
I guess I just figured everyone else except me did.
A long-overdue update
Wednesday May 12th. 8 weeks ago today I was in the hospital getting this little implant of mine. I still haven't named him/her, maybe I won't. Maybe I haven't because the little thing hasn't given me issue yet so most of the time I forget it's there.
Let's do the numbers, first of all (this always makes me feel good!)
First surgical consult 1/22/10: 273
Day of Surgery 3/17/10: 260
8 Weeks post op: 234
I will be so ecstatic when I am out of the 230s, but hell, I'm pretty ecstatic now! I had my first fill almost 2 weeks ago and things have been going well since then. Well, actually, things have mostly been going well since I re-focused myself last Saturday and started eating low carb more intentionally. Up till now I'd been following the traditional wisdom of low calorie/low fat but was finding that I tended to eat things that weren't helping me work with my band. Crackers and breads, even if I only ate a limited number of calories of them, go right through my band at its current fill level and don't help to fill me up at all. Then I would be left limiting myself to certain amounts of meats because I didn't want to go over calorie budget for the day.
Well, I picked up my copy of The South Beach Diet and started reading it and I picked up my audio recordings of The Gabriel Method and started listening, and I got a major attitude adjustment. Said goodbye to cereal, crackers, bread, pasta, rice, and have been enjoying all the fresh vegetables and meats and cheeses and nuts and beans that I want - which (surprise, surprise) doesn't allow me to eat all that much and I'm probably eating less calories than I was anyway. But I'm not counting! Who cares? I'm losing weight and I'm not hungry and it's easy and it's working.
All the obsessing over calories and counting and measuring my portions was doing nothing if I didn't stay around 1200 a day. Well, nothing except stressing me out. At the moment, I feel freer than I have in months and in 4 days, the scale has gone down 2lbs. And yes, I'm drinking tons of water, exercising a bit every day, but it's so much easier and more pleasant to do when I'm not hungry.
Finally, I'm letting the band do its job and I couldn't be happier with it. I also have remembered the power of positive thinking and visualization exercises. Last week, I was telling myself things like "I'm one of those people who can only lose weight if I'm eating extremely low calories" and "It doesn't matter how many salads I eat, I'll never be able to shop at ___ store." This week I am keeping thoughts like "My body wants to be thin" and "It is safe to be thin" and "My body loses weight effortlessly" in mind and I can't say enough good things about the power of positive thoughts.
So, here I am... I need to take and post some more before/during pictures. People at work definitely make comments about being able to see it. I do once in a while but not entirely. I know clothes are fitting that never would have before though, so that's encouraging. And I'm turning into a shop-a-holic. Not really, but it is hard to resist one or 2 new items a week as I realize new things fit.
Let's do the numbers, first of all (this always makes me feel good!)
First surgical consult 1/22/10: 273
Day of Surgery 3/17/10: 260
8 Weeks post op: 234
I will be so ecstatic when I am out of the 230s, but hell, I'm pretty ecstatic now! I had my first fill almost 2 weeks ago and things have been going well since then. Well, actually, things have mostly been going well since I re-focused myself last Saturday and started eating low carb more intentionally. Up till now I'd been following the traditional wisdom of low calorie/low fat but was finding that I tended to eat things that weren't helping me work with my band. Crackers and breads, even if I only ate a limited number of calories of them, go right through my band at its current fill level and don't help to fill me up at all. Then I would be left limiting myself to certain amounts of meats because I didn't want to go over calorie budget for the day.
Well, I picked up my copy of The South Beach Diet and started reading it and I picked up my audio recordings of The Gabriel Method and started listening, and I got a major attitude adjustment. Said goodbye to cereal, crackers, bread, pasta, rice, and have been enjoying all the fresh vegetables and meats and cheeses and nuts and beans that I want - which (surprise, surprise) doesn't allow me to eat all that much and I'm probably eating less calories than I was anyway. But I'm not counting! Who cares? I'm losing weight and I'm not hungry and it's easy and it's working.
All the obsessing over calories and counting and measuring my portions was doing nothing if I didn't stay around 1200 a day. Well, nothing except stressing me out. At the moment, I feel freer than I have in months and in 4 days, the scale has gone down 2lbs. And yes, I'm drinking tons of water, exercising a bit every day, but it's so much easier and more pleasant to do when I'm not hungry.
Finally, I'm letting the band do its job and I couldn't be happier with it. I also have remembered the power of positive thinking and visualization exercises. Last week, I was telling myself things like "I'm one of those people who can only lose weight if I'm eating extremely low calories" and "It doesn't matter how many salads I eat, I'll never be able to shop at ___ store." This week I am keeping thoughts like "My body wants to be thin" and "It is safe to be thin" and "My body loses weight effortlessly" in mind and I can't say enough good things about the power of positive thoughts.
So, here I am... I need to take and post some more before/during pictures. People at work definitely make comments about being able to see it. I do once in a while but not entirely. I know clothes are fitting that never would have before though, so that's encouraging. And I'm turning into a shop-a-holic. Not really, but it is hard to resist one or 2 new items a week as I realize new things fit.
The first fill
This happened on 4/30 but I've just been too busy with work and extra-curricular activities to write since then.
Let's see if I remember anything about it since it was a whole 2 weeks ago!
I arrived at my surgeon's office at 8am, not really knowing what to expect and a little nervous but not terribly. Mostly, I just REALLY wanted a fill because my weight loss had stalled for the previous 2 weeks. They weighed me and I had lost 7 lbs in the prior month since seeing them but I explained all of that had been in the first 2 weeks after I saw them and I'd been lucky to just stay at 242 since then. And when I say lucky, I mean working my ass off to count calories and exercise as much as possible just to not gain weight, all the while feeling like I could eat anything I could want just like I could before my band. I HATE living that way, especially the feeling of dieting just to maintain a weight.
The fill itself was really nothing eventful. I don't even think he numbed the area beforehand which some doctor's do but I don't see why. Maybe he did and I just wasn't looking. I felt one prick and the needle was in, adding fluid to my band, and he was asking me to drink some water. I sipped slowly but started burping immediately and felt a growing pressure in my back, neck, ears, and head. It was a very odd feeling that I hadn't felt before but I thought maybe this was normal and would be what drinking water felt like for evermore. He had put in 3.5cc, not a lot for a band that holds 10cc but a good starting amount I think. I could have asked for some to be taken out while the needle was still attached but I didn't realize I needed it.
Because we weren't 100% sure it was right, he told me to go out to the waiting room and keep drinking the water. I did but as I sat there I became more and more uncomfortable. I could barely take the smallest of sips before feeling painful pressure in my back and neck, ears and head. I really would have expected to feel something in my chest or stomach but I guess everyone is different and now I know what being too tight feels like. Because it was Friday, the receptionist said I'd better let him take some out just in case, so I wouldn't be sick all weekend. The second needle stick was more unpleasant than the first (note to self, let him take fluid out while it's still attached next time!) but overall nothing terrible.
He took out .5 ccs, leaving me with 3. This seemed to be perfect. I remained on liquids all Friday and Saturday and returned to soft foods Sunday and Monday. Monday evening I had my first solid food (salad and a piece of pizza - I know, not the best but I only had 1 piece AND I hadn't eaten real food for 4 days so I knew I was not in danger of overstepping my calories.)
After my fill, I dropped about 10lbs but rebounded back to a net loss of about 5, which is still great. As of this morning (yes, I'm back to weighing more than once a week even though I swore I wouldn't) I am at 234, which is incredible considering today is my 8 week band-iversary. I was approximately 260 on the day of surgery so I'm still averaging 3.25 lbs a week.
At the moment I couldn't be happier with how things are going. I love my band and I love that it's given me the motivation to become healthier. And I don't just mean losing weight - I've just been eating so much better since I started this whole process, and it feels great.
Let's see if I remember anything about it since it was a whole 2 weeks ago!
I arrived at my surgeon's office at 8am, not really knowing what to expect and a little nervous but not terribly. Mostly, I just REALLY wanted a fill because my weight loss had stalled for the previous 2 weeks. They weighed me and I had lost 7 lbs in the prior month since seeing them but I explained all of that had been in the first 2 weeks after I saw them and I'd been lucky to just stay at 242 since then. And when I say lucky, I mean working my ass off to count calories and exercise as much as possible just to not gain weight, all the while feeling like I could eat anything I could want just like I could before my band. I HATE living that way, especially the feeling of dieting just to maintain a weight.
The fill itself was really nothing eventful. I don't even think he numbed the area beforehand which some doctor's do but I don't see why. Maybe he did and I just wasn't looking. I felt one prick and the needle was in, adding fluid to my band, and he was asking me to drink some water. I sipped slowly but started burping immediately and felt a growing pressure in my back, neck, ears, and head. It was a very odd feeling that I hadn't felt before but I thought maybe this was normal and would be what drinking water felt like for evermore. He had put in 3.5cc, not a lot for a band that holds 10cc but a good starting amount I think. I could have asked for some to be taken out while the needle was still attached but I didn't realize I needed it.
Because we weren't 100% sure it was right, he told me to go out to the waiting room and keep drinking the water. I did but as I sat there I became more and more uncomfortable. I could barely take the smallest of sips before feeling painful pressure in my back and neck, ears and head. I really would have expected to feel something in my chest or stomach but I guess everyone is different and now I know what being too tight feels like. Because it was Friday, the receptionist said I'd better let him take some out just in case, so I wouldn't be sick all weekend. The second needle stick was more unpleasant than the first (note to self, let him take fluid out while it's still attached next time!) but overall nothing terrible.
He took out .5 ccs, leaving me with 3. This seemed to be perfect. I remained on liquids all Friday and Saturday and returned to soft foods Sunday and Monday. Monday evening I had my first solid food (salad and a piece of pizza - I know, not the best but I only had 1 piece AND I hadn't eaten real food for 4 days so I knew I was not in danger of overstepping my calories.)
After my fill, I dropped about 10lbs but rebounded back to a net loss of about 5, which is still great. As of this morning (yes, I'm back to weighing more than once a week even though I swore I wouldn't) I am at 234, which is incredible considering today is my 8 week band-iversary. I was approximately 260 on the day of surgery so I'm still averaging 3.25 lbs a week.
At the moment I couldn't be happier with how things are going. I love my band and I love that it's given me the motivation to become healthier. And I don't just mean losing weight - I've just been eating so much better since I started this whole process, and it feels great.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Well, that was a surprise!
I'm in the 230s for the first time since 2002!! (I think...)
I'm totally baffled cause this has never happened to me before and I tend to think my scale is broken (whether in my favor or against it) but if this is true then wow...
Here's what happened:
Last Monday morning I weighed 242, Friday when I got to my surgeon's for my first fill (more on this later if I have the energy to write) I weighed 241.9 with clothes, so maybe 240 or 239 in reality (our scales tend to sync up so not accounting for any difference there.) I got my first fill and have been on liquids Friday, Sat, and today (today out of convenience not cause I can't move on to softs yet.)
I spent all day today at the barn from 9:30-5:30, doing chores and riding my horse and the only thing I ate was my 20 oz protein shake for breakfast and some vienna sausages (yeah, I know, gross but they sounded good at the time.) I drank a ton of water, 2.5 liters at least, cause it's hot out and I didn't want to get dehydrated.
So I was going to wait till Monday morning for my official weekly weigh in but curiosity got the better of me and I stepped on: 232.8. WTF?? I even got on and off a couple of times and got the same result so I don't think it's my scale being screwy.
I'm thrilled, I suppose, though I know I will weigh more tomorrow morning when I do my official weekly weight because I'm probably on the empty side when it comes to water/food even though I drank a ton today.
But even if I really am a couple of pounds heavier, that's still like 6lbs in a week. I'm glad, if this is for real, cause I have been hovering at 240-242 for about 3 weeks but didn't expect some huge drop like this.
Maybe this is just the way my body does it. Stay the same for a few weeks then make it all up at once. I'm curious if other people have experienced the same thing. it's kind of frustrating because you do spend a long time at the same place but then wow, what a high to get such a huge drop all at once. I almost prefer it this way!
I'm totally baffled cause this has never happened to me before and I tend to think my scale is broken (whether in my favor or against it) but if this is true then wow...
Here's what happened:
Last Monday morning I weighed 242, Friday when I got to my surgeon's for my first fill (more on this later if I have the energy to write) I weighed 241.9 with clothes, so maybe 240 or 239 in reality (our scales tend to sync up so not accounting for any difference there.) I got my first fill and have been on liquids Friday, Sat, and today (today out of convenience not cause I can't move on to softs yet.)
I spent all day today at the barn from 9:30-5:30, doing chores and riding my horse and the only thing I ate was my 20 oz protein shake for breakfast and some vienna sausages (yeah, I know, gross but they sounded good at the time.) I drank a ton of water, 2.5 liters at least, cause it's hot out and I didn't want to get dehydrated.
So I was going to wait till Monday morning for my official weekly weigh in but curiosity got the better of me and I stepped on: 232.8. WTF?? I even got on and off a couple of times and got the same result so I don't think it's my scale being screwy.
I'm thrilled, I suppose, though I know I will weigh more tomorrow morning when I do my official weekly weight because I'm probably on the empty side when it comes to water/food even though I drank a ton today.
But even if I really am a couple of pounds heavier, that's still like 6lbs in a week. I'm glad, if this is for real, cause I have been hovering at 240-242 for about 3 weeks but didn't expect some huge drop like this.
Maybe this is just the way my body does it. Stay the same for a few weeks then make it all up at once. I'm curious if other people have experienced the same thing. it's kind of frustrating because you do spend a long time at the same place but then wow, what a high to get such a huge drop all at once. I almost prefer it this way!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
My eyes are officially bigger than my stomach
My grandfather used to use the phrase "eyes bigger than your stomach" when we'd go to a buffet and people would pile their plates high with more than they could ever eat. I think this has been an issue for me all my life but especially now and I need to figure out what to do about it.
I'm finding that I have a really hard time, once something is on my plate, leaving it or throwing it away. I have a lot of "but it's wasteful" language running through my head - as well as - "if I don't finish my plate I'll just be hungry in a few minutes and if I throw it away I won't have it." I need to get over this - NOW. Today is my last day with no fluid in my band and I can get away with hell. I can get away with eating way more than I need to be actually satisfied either because I'm not thinking and just finish it automatically or because I intentionally don't want to throw the food out due to the above mentioned thoughts.
I hate wasting things, money especially. And when you buy high quality food, food is money. I also hate the "eat now, hungry in 5 minutes" life that I've lead mostly up to this point. I need to find a balance between having ample healthy snack opportunities (fruit, yogurt, cheese, nuts, note to self: buy these!) and not packing so much food that I feel compelled to overeat to finish it all. I've found the best luck with single serving packets of things like yogurt cups and cheese wedges. And the least luck with stuff I cook at home and bring leftovers of to work. For example, I made tortilla soup a couple of nights ago. It's basically beans, corn, and some shredded beef. It's REALLY good and low calorie and fat, so a perfect meal. But I ran out of small, what I'd call single serving, containers to store it in so I put the rest of the pot into a large tupperware. This morning my eyes were way bigger than my stomach and I brought the whole thing (to be fair, it did fit into a bowl I found in the kitchen even though it seemed like a lot more than should have fit into any bowl...) But I reheated and ate the whole thing for lunch. I probably could have been just as happy with half as much but because I had it, I felt I had to heat it and eat it. It's fine for today but starting tomorrow, with fluid in the band, overeating can be detrimental.
I don't want to have to learn the hard way, by vomiting or otherwise expelling food that I've managed to eat too much of or too fast. The good thing is I'll be on liquids tomorrow and Saturday while the swelling from the saline fill subsides. That won't allow me to overdo it. And if I'm lucky, I'll go back to that major sense of NOT HUNGRY that I felt a few days after my surgery. Wow, that was nice, I hope I'm going back there soon and staying there.
I'm finding that I have a really hard time, once something is on my plate, leaving it or throwing it away. I have a lot of "but it's wasteful" language running through my head - as well as - "if I don't finish my plate I'll just be hungry in a few minutes and if I throw it away I won't have it." I need to get over this - NOW. Today is my last day with no fluid in my band and I can get away with hell. I can get away with eating way more than I need to be actually satisfied either because I'm not thinking and just finish it automatically or because I intentionally don't want to throw the food out due to the above mentioned thoughts.
I hate wasting things, money especially. And when you buy high quality food, food is money. I also hate the "eat now, hungry in 5 minutes" life that I've lead mostly up to this point. I need to find a balance between having ample healthy snack opportunities (fruit, yogurt, cheese, nuts, note to self: buy these!) and not packing so much food that I feel compelled to overeat to finish it all. I've found the best luck with single serving packets of things like yogurt cups and cheese wedges. And the least luck with stuff I cook at home and bring leftovers of to work. For example, I made tortilla soup a couple of nights ago. It's basically beans, corn, and some shredded beef. It's REALLY good and low calorie and fat, so a perfect meal. But I ran out of small, what I'd call single serving, containers to store it in so I put the rest of the pot into a large tupperware. This morning my eyes were way bigger than my stomach and I brought the whole thing (to be fair, it did fit into a bowl I found in the kitchen even though it seemed like a lot more than should have fit into any bowl...) But I reheated and ate the whole thing for lunch. I probably could have been just as happy with half as much but because I had it, I felt I had to heat it and eat it. It's fine for today but starting tomorrow, with fluid in the band, overeating can be detrimental.
I don't want to have to learn the hard way, by vomiting or otherwise expelling food that I've managed to eat too much of or too fast. The good thing is I'll be on liquids tomorrow and Saturday while the swelling from the saline fill subsides. That won't allow me to overdo it. And if I'm lucky, I'll go back to that major sense of NOT HUNGRY that I felt a few days after my surgery. Wow, that was nice, I hope I'm going back there soon and staying there.
Layers of myself
I was at the barn last week and the (very) thin barn owner was asking me how things were going post-op. She was telling me how she started some new thyroid meds and dropped 4lbs in a week and now weighs like 134 or something but still wants to get down to 129. Sorry if you're reading this and you weight 134 and would rather be 129 but my morbidly-obese self doesn't have a whole lot of patience for that type of conversation. It's like the girls in middle school who always complained that they would get fat if they ate one cookie or obsessed about wearing a size 4 instead of a 2. Please, never let me become those people.
But the conversation did leave me with something. I mentioned that I'd lost 30lbs but don't see it and still feel every bit as large as I was 30 lbs ago, which is true except sometimes my legs look really skinny to me and I curse losing any weight from my muscular legs instead of my fat abs, but anyway... So she said that it wasn't as though I'd lost any huge chunk from anywhere but rather that I'd lost a small layer all over. Maybe one inch, she said. And I thought about it and realized that it's true. I'm still the same shape I was 3 months ago and none of my problem areas have just disappeared, but I've gone down a couple of clothing sizes and have noticed myself just taking up marginally less space than before in places where space is a huge commodity like airplane seats.
I have been thinking about this concept, that with each few pounds I lose, I am stripping away a layer and I also realized that I am stripping off years. Since I've never been thin, the only thing that separates how I am now from how I was at, say, age 15 or 18 or 20 is the degree of fatness. I remember weighing 220 at some point in the far, far, past. I might have been 14? I definitely don't remember any number on a scale below that, so I don't know what I'll see or feel like or be when I get there but the journey from 273 to 241 where I am today has been like jumping back to college. When I was a junior in college I weighed in the 240s and I was really active. Did aerobics a few times a week and rode with my college team and competed on the weekends. I remember feeling really good and capable and confident and seeing myself in the mirror as hot lots of times when I was that age/weight. So now I'm back there, and it's great. I rode Helo last night and continued to marvel out how "easy" it was. Easy to get on, easy to post, even after more than a month off from riding my muscles don't feel like they used to and I know that even though it's not visible outwardly to me, that I am feeling the difference of 30 lbs. I also cannot wait to feel how it feels to be even smaller on his back and regain balance and coordination I used to have when I did things like ride bareback and jump.
The lowest I've been in recent memories is the 230s and that was the summer I was a counselor at fat camp (2002.) By the end of the summer I might have been 235 but I specifically remember never getting under 230 cause I always just got stuck there. Well, I'm 12 lbs away from beating that and with the help of my band (which is getting filled tomorrow!!!) I will be there in 4-5 weeks. I barely remember what it looks like or feels like to be in the 220s and like I said, I have not been there since I was 14, if that. I'm 26 now, so getting into the 220s will be like zooming back in history 12 years. It'll be like peeling back the layers of body and mind to be back in that place - yet not - because I cannot erase the 12 years of experience and growth that has come along with everything else that's accumulated over time.
I wonder what this will do to me, or for me, emotionally. I wonder if 12 pounds from now I will find myself feeling as I did when I was 14. And how far back do I have to go to get to a place where I need to be? To get back to 150 lbs? I might be 10 years old by that time. My goal is to be at 200 6 months post-op, give or take a couple of weeks. Since I don't remember where I was when I hit 200 from the other direction, I can only guess maybe 12? And, here's the scary part... I believe that I have long since solved the emotional issues that led me to use food as a comfort in life back when I was a kid. I undoubtedly did. I most certainly did not get to be this heavy by not abusing food and self medicating with it. But that's not me anymore. It always felt so hopeless to get rid of the weight that I allowed myself to adopt bad eating patterns but I've learned in the past 2 months that I can fully and honestly say that food is just food to me and I don't care about it emotionally anymore. But when I step back in time and reinhabit the body that I had 10 years ago or more, will that change? I don't know why it would but something on a deep emotional level feels like it might. I am prepared that it's a struggle I may have to deal with as I regress.
But the conversation did leave me with something. I mentioned that I'd lost 30lbs but don't see it and still feel every bit as large as I was 30 lbs ago, which is true except sometimes my legs look really skinny to me and I curse losing any weight from my muscular legs instead of my fat abs, but anyway... So she said that it wasn't as though I'd lost any huge chunk from anywhere but rather that I'd lost a small layer all over. Maybe one inch, she said. And I thought about it and realized that it's true. I'm still the same shape I was 3 months ago and none of my problem areas have just disappeared, but I've gone down a couple of clothing sizes and have noticed myself just taking up marginally less space than before in places where space is a huge commodity like airplane seats.
I have been thinking about this concept, that with each few pounds I lose, I am stripping away a layer and I also realized that I am stripping off years. Since I've never been thin, the only thing that separates how I am now from how I was at, say, age 15 or 18 or 20 is the degree of fatness. I remember weighing 220 at some point in the far, far, past. I might have been 14? I definitely don't remember any number on a scale below that, so I don't know what I'll see or feel like or be when I get there but the journey from 273 to 241 where I am today has been like jumping back to college. When I was a junior in college I weighed in the 240s and I was really active. Did aerobics a few times a week and rode with my college team and competed on the weekends. I remember feeling really good and capable and confident and seeing myself in the mirror as hot lots of times when I was that age/weight. So now I'm back there, and it's great. I rode Helo last night and continued to marvel out how "easy" it was. Easy to get on, easy to post, even after more than a month off from riding my muscles don't feel like they used to and I know that even though it's not visible outwardly to me, that I am feeling the difference of 30 lbs. I also cannot wait to feel how it feels to be even smaller on his back and regain balance and coordination I used to have when I did things like ride bareback and jump.
The lowest I've been in recent memories is the 230s and that was the summer I was a counselor at fat camp (2002.) By the end of the summer I might have been 235 but I specifically remember never getting under 230 cause I always just got stuck there. Well, I'm 12 lbs away from beating that and with the help of my band (which is getting filled tomorrow!!!) I will be there in 4-5 weeks. I barely remember what it looks like or feels like to be in the 220s and like I said, I have not been there since I was 14, if that. I'm 26 now, so getting into the 220s will be like zooming back in history 12 years. It'll be like peeling back the layers of body and mind to be back in that place - yet not - because I cannot erase the 12 years of experience and growth that has come along with everything else that's accumulated over time.
I wonder what this will do to me, or for me, emotionally. I wonder if 12 pounds from now I will find myself feeling as I did when I was 14. And how far back do I have to go to get to a place where I need to be? To get back to 150 lbs? I might be 10 years old by that time. My goal is to be at 200 6 months post-op, give or take a couple of weeks. Since I don't remember where I was when I hit 200 from the other direction, I can only guess maybe 12? And, here's the scary part... I believe that I have long since solved the emotional issues that led me to use food as a comfort in life back when I was a kid. I undoubtedly did. I most certainly did not get to be this heavy by not abusing food and self medicating with it. But that's not me anymore. It always felt so hopeless to get rid of the weight that I allowed myself to adopt bad eating patterns but I've learned in the past 2 months that I can fully and honestly say that food is just food to me and I don't care about it emotionally anymore. But when I step back in time and reinhabit the body that I had 10 years ago or more, will that change? I don't know why it would but something on a deep emotional level feels like it might. I am prepared that it's a struggle I may have to deal with as I regress.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A month in the blink of an eye
It's Sunday night before I return to work. My month, "my month"...is over. I cannot believe it. Gone by faster than I could have imagined even though I knew it would fly by. A month ago, March 18th, I was one day out of surgery. I was nearly regretting my decision; wondering how the process had happened so fast without someone stopping and making me wait 6 more months to make sure I "really" wanted to do it. A day after surgery I was in more pain than I have ever felt before, not helped by the narcotics they gave me (something called Dilaudid that really didn't do anything but make me feel icky and tired. But hey, at least it didn't make me puke!)
A couple of days later I was getting to my feet a lot better and making sure to keep walking to prevent blood clots and of course because any bit of exercise I could get would quicken my weight loss. I lost 10 lbs in 10 days directly after surgery, which was great, but also encouraged me to weight 3 times a day to see if it was still coming off. Or really coming off. It was, both, all the time.
By the start of my 2nd week, I was feeling pretty decent though still easily tired (that is only now starting to resolve.) I ramped up my activity level and started exploring all the local parks. Walking, walking, walking. No blood clots here. Somewhere around here I also decided I needed to start seeing a therapist and got extremely lucky, hitting it off with someone on the first try who is in network with my insurance. He has dealt with weight loss surgeries and all types of eating disorders and oddly enough has some experience with some of my other issues that are completely not WLS related.
My 3rd week flew by in a blur. I know I was getting more and more active, spending a lot of time thinking about what I was eating (being on soft foods and no longer liquids by this point) and still always wondering if I'm going to lose weight or if this whole thing will have been for nothing. I did have my first moment of certainty that I was going to succeed. But a few days later, a day of equal uncertainty.
Week 4 has gone by quicker than any. I joined a gym, continued to see my therapist, started doing things I technically shouldn't be doing yet like riding my bike and my horse. But like a friend told me, souls need healing too. And it's true. My pony is my spiritual therapy. I also let go of the scale this week. Steve hid it (even though I know where he put it) and I only weighed at the gym which was twice this week.
Tonight, Sunday, I pulled out my scale and got the official number. 240.6. All I know is that on 1/12/10 I was 274 at my doctor's office and on 1/23/10 I was 273 at my surgeon's office. Going by those numbers, it's been 14 weeks and just over 33 lbs. An average of about 2.3 lbs per week. I cannot complain and I only hope that the trend continues. I still can't see the difference on a regular basis but once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see something. Or rather, a lack of something. And overall, it's been pretty easy. I mean, sure I've been working my ass off not only physically but a lot of mental work with myself, my therapist, and my journal. But it's nothing compared to what I've done before with no results, so how can I be unhappy?
I feel so fortunate that I was given this month to recover and heal physically and emotionally. I know there is still a lot of healing to come but I never imagined I could have a month off work with no other focus than to make sure I was getting in the right foods, water, protein, and exercise everyday. It has been an amazing blessing. Now, I get to leave this fantasy dream world where I am my main priority and get back to the world of coworkers, bosses, and clients. I hope that this amazing experience will be something I can take with me as I return back to real life. The sad thing is, this feels like the first time I've experienced "real life." Sigh...
A couple of days later I was getting to my feet a lot better and making sure to keep walking to prevent blood clots and of course because any bit of exercise I could get would quicken my weight loss. I lost 10 lbs in 10 days directly after surgery, which was great, but also encouraged me to weight 3 times a day to see if it was still coming off. Or really coming off. It was, both, all the time.
By the start of my 2nd week, I was feeling pretty decent though still easily tired (that is only now starting to resolve.) I ramped up my activity level and started exploring all the local parks. Walking, walking, walking. No blood clots here. Somewhere around here I also decided I needed to start seeing a therapist and got extremely lucky, hitting it off with someone on the first try who is in network with my insurance. He has dealt with weight loss surgeries and all types of eating disorders and oddly enough has some experience with some of my other issues that are completely not WLS related.
My 3rd week flew by in a blur. I know I was getting more and more active, spending a lot of time thinking about what I was eating (being on soft foods and no longer liquids by this point) and still always wondering if I'm going to lose weight or if this whole thing will have been for nothing. I did have my first moment of certainty that I was going to succeed. But a few days later, a day of equal uncertainty.
Week 4 has gone by quicker than any. I joined a gym, continued to see my therapist, started doing things I technically shouldn't be doing yet like riding my bike and my horse. But like a friend told me, souls need healing too. And it's true. My pony is my spiritual therapy. I also let go of the scale this week. Steve hid it (even though I know where he put it) and I only weighed at the gym which was twice this week.
Tonight, Sunday, I pulled out my scale and got the official number. 240.6. All I know is that on 1/12/10 I was 274 at my doctor's office and on 1/23/10 I was 273 at my surgeon's office. Going by those numbers, it's been 14 weeks and just over 33 lbs. An average of about 2.3 lbs per week. I cannot complain and I only hope that the trend continues. I still can't see the difference on a regular basis but once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see something. Or rather, a lack of something. And overall, it's been pretty easy. I mean, sure I've been working my ass off not only physically but a lot of mental work with myself, my therapist, and my journal. But it's nothing compared to what I've done before with no results, so how can I be unhappy?
I feel so fortunate that I was given this month to recover and heal physically and emotionally. I know there is still a lot of healing to come but I never imagined I could have a month off work with no other focus than to make sure I was getting in the right foods, water, protein, and exercise everyday. It has been an amazing blessing. Now, I get to leave this fantasy dream world where I am my main priority and get back to the world of coworkers, bosses, and clients. I hope that this amazing experience will be something I can take with me as I return back to real life. The sad thing is, this feels like the first time I've experienced "real life." Sigh...
Friday, April 16, 2010
The stuff people say to you when you're fat
I've had a rough time this week dealing with the outside world. Or perhaps they've had a rough time dealing with me. Ok, we've had a rough time dealing with each other and I need to get it all out on paper to process what I'm thinking. I'm going to warn you though, this isn't a happy post. The things I experienced this week made me very angry and ashamed, even though I thought my days of "fat shame" were over. There will probably always be part of me that hurts when poked in this way. Normally I'm better at dealing with it, just letting it roll off my back, and ignoring it. But 2 things happened within 3 days this week and on top of that I'm having some major PMS so my emotions are a bit beyond me anyway.
So experience number 1 was just sort of annoying but I think the fact that it happened 2 days before experience number 2 makes it relevant. And, the two of them piled on top of each other is probably what set me off more than normal.
I got this flier in the mail from a local gym that's just a few minutes from my house, offering a $9.99 a month membership with no contract and no fees. Sounded too good to be true but I figured I'd go in and check it out. I primarily exercise outdoors (bike, horse, walking) and I already have a membership to an indoor rock climbing gym with my partner cause that's our "bonding" activity. Not to be confused with our bondage activity ;) but that's another post.
So, I get there and of course they are on me like flies on garbage and of course the deal they sent around in the mail isn't really what they're offering. But that's beside the point. The point is, I walk in there and they're all "welcome, how can we help you?" and when I say I'd like to join, the FIRST thing I get in response is "Great! When's the last time you exercised?" I was taken aback, to say the least. Did he really just say this? Would he say this to a thin person who walked in? I doubt it. But because I'm fat obviously it warrants the question, "When's the last time you moved faster than you run to the Dairy Queen?"
Now, because hindsight is 20/20, what I should have said was..."Oh, you mean other than yesterday when I did a 5 mile bike, the day before that when I jogged a mile, the day before that when I lifted weights for an hour, and the day before that when I did intervals of sprinting and walking for 45 minutes, or the day before that when I did 5 hours of barn chores and rode my horse?" But I guess I was just so in shock that I fumbled to just tell him that I exercise often. The guys behind the counter were all like "Oh, great, isn't it cute that this fattie thinks she knows how to exercise" Ok, so that's what they came across as, even if they didn't say it. It was a bunch of fake, encouraging smiles and head nodding. So, they just kept emphasizing how great it would be to have me join the gym and how they REALLY wanted me to give it a try and how they KNEW that if I just tried it I'd reach all my goals. Here's something funny too...they gave me a sheet to fill out that asked me what my goals were and I checked the boxes for stuff like "toning up", "relieving stress", "staying active" and yet the guy who was doing the sales pitch just kept throwing in "weight loss" whenever he mentioned the benefits I'd enjoy FOR SURE if I joined. I wish I'd had the balls to stop him every time and say something like, "actually, weight loss isn't my goal." just to piss him off. I often wonder if their heads would explode to hear someone like me point blank tell them weight loss isn't my priority.
Of course, I'm out to lose some weight, yes, but that's not the reason I wanted to join a gym. My lap-band and the diet I follow because of it are going to be what loses the weight. Going to the gym is for precisely the reasons I marked off on the checklist. So even though weight loss is technically a goal, it's certainly none of his business to determine it should be since it wasn't marked on the checklist. But he probably figured I have trouble reading as well as exercising and everything else fatties are bad at, thus he wanted to make sure and emphasize the fact that I could lose weight by joining his gym, since obviously that goal was an oversight on my part.
So part of me wanted to just walk out by this point but I was really determined and I did manage to get myself the $9.99 month-to-month deal which I'm really happy about (after 30 minutes of telling the salesman "no, I don't need to be a member of the gym that badly. $9.99 a month is my limit." I guess his heart just couldn't bare to let me walk away and possibly die of a heart attack due to my lack of exercise that is my certain future if I didn't join his gym.) Ultimately, I am going there for my own enjoyment and convenience and don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me while I'm there. I am planning to not even use the 2 free trainer appointments I get cause it'll just be more of the same, plus trying to sell me on $300 a month packages.
So that was Tuesday. Here's what happened on Thursday. I am a member of groupon.com which if you haven't seen it, is totally great and I've gotten some awesome deals on there. I really enjoy the discounted spa services and a month ago I picked up TWO microdermabrasion sessions for $56 total. For anyone who knows, they usually cost $100+ per session. Micro is one of my favorite things to do for relaxation and leaves my skin so soft. Yay. So I thought I'd nabbed a super deal. Uh... not so much. Turns out this "medi-spa" was more of a plastic surgeon's office in disguise so for one thing it took 4 weeks to get on their books at a time that wasn't ass-crack-of-dawn early in the morning. When I got there , 15 minutes early for my appointment, I was told it might be a "little bit of a wait" and also I started getting the impression that it wasn't quite the spa experience I was hoping for.
Sitting in the waiting room, reading, I took note of my surroundings. Skinny patients coming in and out and ads for everything from botox to tummy tucks all around the place. I felt like I was on an episode of Nip/Tuck except the clients (though thin) were nowhere near as good looking.
An hour went by and I was pretty on edge already, figuring I should just walk out and leave but not wanting to ditch my "spa day" so I hung around. A few minutes later I was called back. Oh yeah, let me just say that there was never any "I'm really sorry it's taking so long, do you need to reschedule?" It was just kinda "deal with it." So I get called back and this woman explains to me she's a nurse. She starts to take my BP and I'm like, "whoa...all this for a microdermabrasion?" I mean I've had probably 10 or more of them in my life and never needed a full medical history or anything. And this is a whole other issue worthy of its own long story, but I have MAJOR anxiety surrounding new doctors I'm not familiar with and this shows up as crazy elevated BP even though my normal BP is 120/70 and any doctor who knows me says I have no actual signs of hypertension, just really don't do well with getting it taken. So I'm already getting myself worked up at this point, knowing that it's going to be high if she does take it, feeling duped into coming to some doctor's office when I signed up for a spa, having had to wait an hour for my appointment with no consideration for anywhere else I had to be that day, and on top of that, she tells me, "It's just something we always do. You never know what kind of medical problems can show up with a simple BP screening. We once had a patient come in for a consult and he didn't know he had high BP and needed medicine for it." Innocent enough, I suppose, but in my mind she was basically saying "Look at you, you probably haven't checked your BP in years and don't have the sense to go to a doctor for regular physicals so it's a good thing you came here cause who knows what kind of issues you might have." I admit, I might be super nuts for taking it this way. I guess it doesn't sound as bad as it felt, but you just had to be there. The way she talked down to me and said I had no choice in the matter and implied that it was for my own good cause she wanted to help me. It all just reeked of subtext that I am not capable of knowing or acting in my own best interest which she so astutely picked up in the 60 seconds she'd known me prior to this.
So, she proceeded to take it even though I was somewhere in the middle of not giving consent for that and of course it was high (I have no idea what, cause I was freaking out by this point. My history is basically getting BP taken = anxiety = high BP = lecture from doctor who doesn't know me or care to understand why it makes me so nervous, which is, like I said a looong story.) She tells me it's high (you think?) and I had to keep myself from yelling at her, but said as calmly as I could, "That's because I have anxiety." Then I got up and left. "Thanks, but this isn't what I signed up for and I'm going to leave now." And I walked out.
It wasn't till I was back at my car that I had a full on anxiety attack. Crying, hyperventilating, everything. I was so angry, disgusted, and most of all just frustrated at my own lack of ability to have calmly told her, "I'm here for microdermabrasion and I decline any other procedures, so you can get whomever will be doing that for me now." But, I did manage to stay calm enough till I was out of there, which is a win for me. And in the end I got groupon to refund my money after telling them of the experience (the hour wait alone was outrageous for having made an appointment a month in advance.) Being that I'm only out my time and a few minutes of sanity, I can't really complain, but damn, it felt like a sucky experience.
Now, I am pretty much ok with these things but at the same time, wishing I could not get so upset. After all, I'm the one who let people get to me. It's my fat shame that I thought I was over that causes the mental issues. If I'd just taken stuff at face value (or no value!) I could have coped. So there's part of me that's angry at others and part of me wondering if I'm just taking things WAY too personally. I am not normally so sensitive, but something about these 2 experiences on top of each other just got to me.
I am so lucky that the people who matter in life are not the random doctor's office or the idiot salesman at the gym. The people who matter - my friends, family, partner, coworkers - do not treat me like this by any means. In my everyday life I'm treated like any other person. A person who is competent to make her own decisions on food and lifestyle and medical procedures. In fact, I'm probably treated better than average by people who have interaction with me because I am better than average. I am smarter than average, more responsible than average, more detail oriented, more capable, more ambitious, more anal and obsessed with making things happen the way I need them to turn out - than average. Perhaps that's why it hurts so much when I come face to face with the outside world who take one look at me and assume that I never exercise and am ignorant about my own health status.
So experience number 1 was just sort of annoying but I think the fact that it happened 2 days before experience number 2 makes it relevant. And, the two of them piled on top of each other is probably what set me off more than normal.
I got this flier in the mail from a local gym that's just a few minutes from my house, offering a $9.99 a month membership with no contract and no fees. Sounded too good to be true but I figured I'd go in and check it out. I primarily exercise outdoors (bike, horse, walking) and I already have a membership to an indoor rock climbing gym with my partner cause that's our "bonding" activity. Not to be confused with our bondage activity ;) but that's another post.
So, I get there and of course they are on me like flies on garbage and of course the deal they sent around in the mail isn't really what they're offering. But that's beside the point. The point is, I walk in there and they're all "welcome, how can we help you?" and when I say I'd like to join, the FIRST thing I get in response is "Great! When's the last time you exercised?" I was taken aback, to say the least. Did he really just say this? Would he say this to a thin person who walked in? I doubt it. But because I'm fat obviously it warrants the question, "When's the last time you moved faster than you run to the Dairy Queen?"
Now, because hindsight is 20/20, what I should have said was..."Oh, you mean other than yesterday when I did a 5 mile bike, the day before that when I jogged a mile, the day before that when I lifted weights for an hour, and the day before that when I did intervals of sprinting and walking for 45 minutes, or the day before that when I did 5 hours of barn chores and rode my horse?" But I guess I was just so in shock that I fumbled to just tell him that I exercise often. The guys behind the counter were all like "Oh, great, isn't it cute that this fattie thinks she knows how to exercise" Ok, so that's what they came across as, even if they didn't say it. It was a bunch of fake, encouraging smiles and head nodding. So, they just kept emphasizing how great it would be to have me join the gym and how they REALLY wanted me to give it a try and how they KNEW that if I just tried it I'd reach all my goals. Here's something funny too...they gave me a sheet to fill out that asked me what my goals were and I checked the boxes for stuff like "toning up", "relieving stress", "staying active" and yet the guy who was doing the sales pitch just kept throwing in "weight loss" whenever he mentioned the benefits I'd enjoy FOR SURE if I joined. I wish I'd had the balls to stop him every time and say something like, "actually, weight loss isn't my goal." just to piss him off. I often wonder if their heads would explode to hear someone like me point blank tell them weight loss isn't my priority.
Of course, I'm out to lose some weight, yes, but that's not the reason I wanted to join a gym. My lap-band and the diet I follow because of it are going to be what loses the weight. Going to the gym is for precisely the reasons I marked off on the checklist. So even though weight loss is technically a goal, it's certainly none of his business to determine it should be since it wasn't marked on the checklist. But he probably figured I have trouble reading as well as exercising and everything else fatties are bad at, thus he wanted to make sure and emphasize the fact that I could lose weight by joining his gym, since obviously that goal was an oversight on my part.
So part of me wanted to just walk out by this point but I was really determined and I did manage to get myself the $9.99 month-to-month deal which I'm really happy about (after 30 minutes of telling the salesman "no, I don't need to be a member of the gym that badly. $9.99 a month is my limit." I guess his heart just couldn't bare to let me walk away and possibly die of a heart attack due to my lack of exercise that is my certain future if I didn't join his gym.) Ultimately, I am going there for my own enjoyment and convenience and don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me while I'm there. I am planning to not even use the 2 free trainer appointments I get cause it'll just be more of the same, plus trying to sell me on $300 a month packages.
So that was Tuesday. Here's what happened on Thursday. I am a member of groupon.com which if you haven't seen it, is totally great and I've gotten some awesome deals on there. I really enjoy the discounted spa services and a month ago I picked up TWO microdermabrasion sessions for $56 total. For anyone who knows, they usually cost $100+ per session. Micro is one of my favorite things to do for relaxation and leaves my skin so soft. Yay. So I thought I'd nabbed a super deal. Uh... not so much. Turns out this "medi-spa" was more of a plastic surgeon's office in disguise so for one thing it took 4 weeks to get on their books at a time that wasn't ass-crack-of-dawn early in the morning. When I got there , 15 minutes early for my appointment, I was told it might be a "little bit of a wait" and also I started getting the impression that it wasn't quite the spa experience I was hoping for.
Sitting in the waiting room, reading, I took note of my surroundings. Skinny patients coming in and out and ads for everything from botox to tummy tucks all around the place. I felt like I was on an episode of Nip/Tuck except the clients (though thin) were nowhere near as good looking.
An hour went by and I was pretty on edge already, figuring I should just walk out and leave but not wanting to ditch my "spa day" so I hung around. A few minutes later I was called back. Oh yeah, let me just say that there was never any "I'm really sorry it's taking so long, do you need to reschedule?" It was just kinda "deal with it." So I get called back and this woman explains to me she's a nurse. She starts to take my BP and I'm like, "whoa...all this for a microdermabrasion?" I mean I've had probably 10 or more of them in my life and never needed a full medical history or anything. And this is a whole other issue worthy of its own long story, but I have MAJOR anxiety surrounding new doctors I'm not familiar with and this shows up as crazy elevated BP even though my normal BP is 120/70 and any doctor who knows me says I have no actual signs of hypertension, just really don't do well with getting it taken. So I'm already getting myself worked up at this point, knowing that it's going to be high if she does take it, feeling duped into coming to some doctor's office when I signed up for a spa, having had to wait an hour for my appointment with no consideration for anywhere else I had to be that day, and on top of that, she tells me, "It's just something we always do. You never know what kind of medical problems can show up with a simple BP screening. We once had a patient come in for a consult and he didn't know he had high BP and needed medicine for it." Innocent enough, I suppose, but in my mind she was basically saying "Look at you, you probably haven't checked your BP in years and don't have the sense to go to a doctor for regular physicals so it's a good thing you came here cause who knows what kind of issues you might have." I admit, I might be super nuts for taking it this way. I guess it doesn't sound as bad as it felt, but you just had to be there. The way she talked down to me and said I had no choice in the matter and implied that it was for my own good cause she wanted to help me. It all just reeked of subtext that I am not capable of knowing or acting in my own best interest which she so astutely picked up in the 60 seconds she'd known me prior to this.
So, she proceeded to take it even though I was somewhere in the middle of not giving consent for that and of course it was high (I have no idea what, cause I was freaking out by this point. My history is basically getting BP taken = anxiety = high BP = lecture from doctor who doesn't know me or care to understand why it makes me so nervous, which is, like I said a looong story.) She tells me it's high (you think?) and I had to keep myself from yelling at her, but said as calmly as I could, "That's because I have anxiety." Then I got up and left. "Thanks, but this isn't what I signed up for and I'm going to leave now." And I walked out.
It wasn't till I was back at my car that I had a full on anxiety attack. Crying, hyperventilating, everything. I was so angry, disgusted, and most of all just frustrated at my own lack of ability to have calmly told her, "I'm here for microdermabrasion and I decline any other procedures, so you can get whomever will be doing that for me now." But, I did manage to stay calm enough till I was out of there, which is a win for me. And in the end I got groupon to refund my money after telling them of the experience (the hour wait alone was outrageous for having made an appointment a month in advance.) Being that I'm only out my time and a few minutes of sanity, I can't really complain, but damn, it felt like a sucky experience.
Now, I am pretty much ok with these things but at the same time, wishing I could not get so upset. After all, I'm the one who let people get to me. It's my fat shame that I thought I was over that causes the mental issues. If I'd just taken stuff at face value (or no value!) I could have coped. So there's part of me that's angry at others and part of me wondering if I'm just taking things WAY too personally. I am not normally so sensitive, but something about these 2 experiences on top of each other just got to me.
I am so lucky that the people who matter in life are not the random doctor's office or the idiot salesman at the gym. The people who matter - my friends, family, partner, coworkers - do not treat me like this by any means. In my everyday life I'm treated like any other person. A person who is competent to make her own decisions on food and lifestyle and medical procedures. In fact, I'm probably treated better than average by people who have interaction with me because I am better than average. I am smarter than average, more responsible than average, more detail oriented, more capable, more ambitious, more anal and obsessed with making things happen the way I need them to turn out - than average. Perhaps that's why it hurts so much when I come face to face with the outside world who take one look at me and assume that I never exercise and am ignorant about my own health status.
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