The damn 180s and other realizations

Wow, look at me, I'm complaining about being in the 180s - a weight I think I would have sold my right arm to be a year ago. I'm not trying to complain. I am actually trying to take a step back, regain perspective, and appreciate everything I've been through, how far I've come, and all of that. But it is still hard in the moment to feel as though nothing has changed. I'm closing in on 90 lbs lost and my body feels the same to me. Sure, some things feel vastly different - like exercise for example. Last night I did a light jog on the treadmill for 25 minutes and even 5.5 mph felt like nothing. I've worked up to short intervals (2 minutes) of 7mph so it's funny to go back and realize that 5.5 is a breeze when it used to be a struggle. And tonight I plan on riding my horse, which has gotten more and more pleasant, fun, and just plain easy to do each month. But I've been in the 180s for a month, I think, and I'm still just at 186 so I'm not close to getting out of them yet.

As for the other realizations, well... I've revised my goal to lose 1 lb per week which means I am eating a lot more liberally than I have been but I am also exercising a lot more than I had been in a while too. I've started a 6 day per week exercise routine that includes alternating resistance and cardio every other day and resting on the 7th. So far so good, up until I hurt myself at the barn Sunday night and got told by the doctor not to do any hard exercise till I'm better. I bruised a vocal chord (long story, don't ask) but he said any straining could do more damage to my insides. So I rested on Monday, did a light jog on Tuesday, going to ride the horse today, and hopefully will be able to do some light weightlifting tomorrow.

My old goal had been to be at 173 by 1/1/11 which would be 100 lbs lost. That was very ambitious and I'm ok not making it there. It's definitely not going to happen now. But, if I can just lose 1 lb per week from now till 3/17/11, I will have made it to 100 lbs lost in my first year post-op which would make me VERY happy. I feel like that's such a big marker and that if I could get to it then I could relax and it might take me another year to lose the final 20 lbs but that would be fine. Of course, knowing myself, I'll make it to that goal and then I'll decide I need to keep pushing through at lb per week and make it to my ultimate goal of 155 by August. Well, that's still a long way off. I need to make it to my first goal of 173 first and then I can worry about the last 18-20 lbs.

I'm also coming to terms with body image in general. I still don't see myself the way I am, I suppose (or maybe the problem is I always saw myself as a size 12 even when I was a 24.) However you frame it, I just don't look different to myself now than I did a year ago. My belly is still huge, my face is still chubby, my arms are flabby, my thighs are ginormous. And I'm realizing that just being a certain number on the scale is not going to change the way I see myself. And just because I will soon be able to wear size 10 clothes doesn't mean I will love every part of my body. I don't see myself as a thin or even average person but I am starting to understand how even thin and average people can still not love every part of their body for one reason or another. It's silly and I know eventually I work through it and get over it, but until my perception catches up with reality it's just all the more difficult.

I don't mean to be complaining though, really. Things are going very well and I need to remember that. I am able to eat well and enjoy a wide variety of foods and ever since I stopped taking the pills that were causing me issues I haven't had any stuck or vomiting or PBing or anything of the sort. I knew it wasn't supposed to be THAT hard. Shiiiit.

You know what one of the hardest things is? Getting in 80oz of water each day. I keep switching around varieties of sugar free drinks, diet lemonade, teas, stuff like that. My newest favorite is iced/water diluted herbal mint tea with splenda. I used to be able to use a straw to make it quicker and easier to get it all in but the straw finally started causing trouble with introducing extra air into my stomach, too much burping, stuff like that, so I gave them up. Drinking not only makes me have to pee, it makes me cold (I'm already cold all the time anyway so that's no fun) and when I'm not hungry or thirsty it's just plain annoying to have to keep drinking. But I try and it definitely is helpful to the end goal.