My Progress

I started this blog in March 2010 when I found out I was approved to move forward with Lap-Band surgery. I've always fancied myself a "writer" though I hate the pretension that usually comes along with that label. I've also never managed to keep a steady journal, blog, or website going for more than a few months (instead I've started many over the years and they've fizzled out.) But here you go, my latest attempt, and because it's an issue that's so important, I've really tried to keep up with it on a regular basis.

If you're interested in reading the whole story from the beginning, you should scroll down and start with the earliest posts, moving forward. Yes, I know you know how a blog works but my grandmother might visit this website too, you know!

I chose "Results Not Typical" because that's always the disclaimer you see on commercials for weight loss products and services. Well, I've never been typical in any sense of the word, so I'm hoping this time around is no different. I told myself when I started that I was going to excel at this (as I do with most things I put my mind to) and I'm happy to report that I already have. 15 months after my surgery, I am down 95 lbs. I truly cannot believe it, nor can I believe (or could I have imagined) the differences in my life.

I welcome comments by email or left here and hope to offer support to others.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Realizations and Body Acceptance

I've been feeling pretty good the past few weeks. I haven't lost any weight. I stopped attending WW meetings, which my therapist actually thinks is a good thing, and I've been not worrying about food, just eating what I want when I want. I'll admit it's left me with a less nutritious diet than when I'm really "working it" but luckily this has not lead to any weight gain. I bounce back and forth between 179-181 lbs but I am not stepping on the scale every day either. For the first time since I got my band I am not weighing every day. I've been too busy to do that, really!

I have come to a few realizations and they are helping me to be more at peace with what's going on in my body.

1. I do really enjoy being active, moving my body, yes-exercise. But I often fall into the trap of being too busy, tired, stressed, whatever that I ignore the importance of it. I have got to commit to exercise whether it's 30 minutes a day or an hour several times a week, I feel SO much better when I do. I make an effort to walk everywhere I can now, take the stairs 6 flights up whenever time allows at work, but I need to go back to what I was doing before. Um actually going to the gym! I feel less fit than I used to even though not gaining weight.

2. I am no longer "the fat person" and people don't see me that way. As much as I might feel like my identity is as a fat person and I still see my body that way a lot of the time, I am no longer the largest one in the room at any given time and I need to stop viewing myself that way because no one else does.

3. I am not built like the skinny bitches I work with. I work with a lot of very small framed people, 5 inches shorter and 50 lbs lighter than me, I feel like an amazon sometimes even though I'm only 5'7. I am a pretty athletic 180 lbs and would be an even more athletic 160 or 155 but I don't know what I'd look like (and maybe I don't need to know) at 130. On this front, I found an amazing site that made me start to think about the REALITY of my body compared to the fantasy. My fantasy was that at 180lbs I'd be firm, toned, and skinny. There are some people who look more like that than I do at my height and weight but there are others who don't. There are also people at my height and weight who wear smaller clothes than me AND larger. Seeing reality for reality, including the diversity of shapes and sizes that exist is really empowering for me.

4. I have more body and food issues than I realized. I eat when I'm not hungry because "I want to", because "it tastes good", because "I deserve it", because "it'll make me feel better", because "why not? it doesn't matter" ... those are the big ones. I continue eating after I'm satisfied because "it's there", because "I paid for it", because "I don't want it to go to waste" because "why not?"... I need to arm myself with reasons to counteract these ones so that I can break the habit of just eating mindlessly and eating things for no good reason. But how do I balance that against the belief that I should enjoy eating some of the time and should be allowed to eat things I want just because I want them SOMETIMES but not ALL the time. And how often is too often? I want my life to include parties, birthdays, vacations, nice dinners, and "just because" times when it's ok to eat stuff that tastes good with no nutritional value. I don't want to eliminate all joy in eating from my life but I need to find a good balance. It's also not that I don't enjoy the taste of things that are healthy too, it's just for some reason nothing seems to scratch that itch like the real junk.

5. I need to regain the belief in myself that I can "get there" - 180 was a HUGE goal for me. I built a lot of mental energy into thinking about that number, 180. And as if in response to that, my body has decided this is a good place to be. I want to now think of 155 as a good place to be and convince my body of that so that I just as easily land (and stay) there. Is that wrong? Should I focus more on the journey than the destination? I work best when I'm goal focused. But maybe a number isn't the best goal... but then again, it's very concrete and I like the certainty of knowing if I'm there or not. But having other goals would be good too. I'll start thinking about those later.