Shifting priorities and new decisions

It probably would do me good to re-read everything I've written here from the beginning. I know it would help me gain perspective and see how truly far I've come. At the moment, I feel pretty much like "I've lost 93 lbs and I've got nothing to show for it" which isn't TRUE but because the one aspect of my body that I most wanted to change through this whole process has changed the least, it feels true.

I've been talking to my therapist for months now about the idea of plastic surgery to fix my midsection. At first I thought I was really messed up about my body image and needed to learn to accept everything as it is. And I tried that. And I guess if I didn't have the capability to change things to make myself happier then I'd have to settle for that. But he asked me one night why I didn't just have the plastic surgery if the only thing I want to change about my body is so easily changeable. A routine tummy tuck. Hollywood housewives and everyone else for that matter do them all the time. I keep holding onto this belief that I can't have plastic surgery till I'm down at my lowest possible weight and also that I should be able to or even "can" lose more. Well, I'm starting to think that neither of those things may be true.

So, I haven't decided for sure yet but I'm starting to seriously consider it. It's really weird to imagine what my life, my body, and my perception of myself would be like minus the belly I've carried around my whole life. Weird, but a nice thing to imagine.

2 week experiment: results

This was written on July 12 but oops... I kind of forgot to post it.

So the results are in and they are mixed. In numbers, not such a great ending as I remain steadily at 180.6 lbs. On the other hand, when I got back from my vacation on 6/28 I was back at 184 so being down is good. I would like to have lost any weight at all in the past week but I also didn't stick to the plan very well at all, so what do I expect?

The good news is my body fat % is still pretty low in terms of where it's been lately. 35.1 now and my eventual goal is to get it below 30 even if I don't lose any further weight.

After the results of the first week I'm kind of discouraged but still have enough medifast food to keep going. It's not an utter failure after all. Not been that hungry, been eating better and more nutritiously than in my pre-experiment life. Was able to get back down to 180 without the use of that godawful medication that blocks the opening of my stomach.

2 week experiment, days 12, 13, 14

Where did the weekend go? I guess I was having too much fun to write!

Well, Monday is over and tomorrow morning's weigh in will yield the results of my 2 week experiment. I don't have high hopes. Today I was 179.6 so I will be happy if I'm back down to last week's low of 179.4, even better if I'm a fraction of a pound below that but I'm not expecting it.

Here are the daily results from Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and today.

Friday:
1205 cal
113 carb
46 fat
103 protein
Exercise 100 calories

Saturday:
1333 cal
86 carb
72 fat
108 protein
Exercise: 873 calories

Sunday:
1240 calories
76 carbs
66 fat
100 protein
Exercise: 436

Monday:
1385 calories
111 carb
62 fat
117 carb
Exercise 52 calories

I keep telling myself that even losing 1lb, even 1/2 lb in a week is a good thing. It's just taking a bit of effort to not get discouraged over that slow of a loss when I am making such a point to eat well and exercise. But I have enough medifast food to last me 3 more weeks and maybe I'll be able to start sticking to it better than I have been. I certainly "should" only be getting about 800 calories a day on this plan but that just feels depressing to me.

2 week experiment, day 11

The good news: I woke up still at 181 this morning.

The bad news, I managed to find my hunger around 8:00 last night and it didn't stop till midnight. I think I'm onto something here. Not being able to eat earlier in the day always ends badly. I need to do something different (i.e. eat more earlier in the day.)

So I tracked as much as I could but once I got home I was really hungry and just started going for everything in sight. This was after I'd eaten a decent sized dinner and gotten myself a treat for dessert. So I am probably at about 2000 calories yesterday based on this.

Calories: 1567
Carbs: 135
Fat: 63
Protein: 116
exercise: 122 calories

Today hasn't been much better. Ok, so I've not been really hungry and have stuck to the meal plan for the most part but I just tried eating my first real food of the day (some chopped up chicken) and I PB'd it all over the place after a few bites. Motherfucker. I'm frustrated. Maybe I need to get fluid taken out of this damn band. I keep having these experiences and it doesn't help cause now all I want to do is go eat some chips that I know will go easily down. I have an appointment on 8/5 so I think if it hasn't resolved by then I will ask for an unfill...just a slight one. This would allow me to eat more earlier in the day and get more water in more easily. Right now I feel like I need to go back to all liquids cause my stomach feels so swollen. Crap.

2 week experiment, days 9 and 10

Well, Tuesday morning the weigh in was great but I bounced right back to 181 and have stayed there for 2 days. Yesterday I worked out hard and I expected myself to be hungry today but I haven't been that much.

I missed posting yesterday so here are Tuesday's stats:

Calories: 1493
Carbs: 137 g
fat: 54 g
Protein: 137 g
Exercise: 418 calories

Then Wednesday:
Cal: 1410
Carbs: 92g
Fat:68g
Protein: 132g
Exercise: 496 calories

And so far so good today with feeling not hungry (except for a few times, which I've then become satisfied very quickly.)

Going out to dinner tonight with a friend and not sure where we're going or what it'll be like so it's a good thing I haven't been hungry. On the other hand, I should probably eat a MF bar before getting there.

I am keeping up the faith that there's NO WAY my body can actually hold onto fat when I'm eating so little and exercising so much. AND I'm giving it a crap load of protein so what's the deal? Not getting discouraged. It's an experiment after all so if it doesn't work then I know and don't continue but it defies all logic how if my body needs 1500 calories just to exist (!!! about 2300 to maintain my current body composition) and I'm netting around 1000 a day, how come I'm not losing 1/2 pound a day here. Oy, if someone could just figure all this out they'd be a millionaire.

2 week experiment, day 8

The 2 week experiment is 50% over and so far it's been a brilliant success!

I got back from a weeklong vacation last Monday and weighed 184. Started the experiment on Tuesday and this morning I am 179.4. That's a loss of 4.6lbs. I really wasn't expecting something so dramatic but I am ecstatic that it's happened. And it gives me the motivation to keep going into week 2. I know I can't really expect this again but maybe 2.5 - 3lbs would be reasonable for week 2. Especially if I can stick a little more strictly to the plan. Adding in an extra protein shake when I'm working out hard is one thing but adding in other random stuff as has happened this week is not what I want. On the other hand, it obviously hasn't been detrimental. But I know I probably just got lucky this week and with a lot of exercise too.

So here are yesterday's stats:

Calories: 1195
Carbs: 82g
Fat: 60g
Protein: 101g
Exercise: 546 calories burned

Of course this first week is generally the "water weight" so I haven't actually started losing fat yet. Hoping to see some of that in the next week's results. I've had a pair of pants that "almost" fit since I bought them last November. I always thought if I could get down to 170 they'd probably fit fine. Guess I'll find out!

In terms of larger goals... mine is to be at 165 by September 6th which is 9 weeks from now. I only have to average 1.5 lbs per week to make it. I feel very optimistic but both uncertain and a bit scared. Today's weight is pretty much my lowest. If it lasts more than a day it definitely counts (as up till now I've hit 179 or 178 on the scale for a day but then bounced right back up.) It's scary being in new territory again. Exciting though! I had sort of given up on that and forgotten the thrill of moving down through the numbers and sizes. If I can get to the 160s, or even high 150s, then I will seriously consider spending the money for the plastic surgery to get rid of the midsection that's haunted me forever.

2 week experiment, day 7

Yesterday was a big win! I finished out the day with the following nutrition stats:

Calories: 1046
Carb: 78g
Fat: 71g
Protein: 103g

Unfortunately I didn't drink as much water as I needed to but I'm trying to make up for that today. It's just tough to drink when I'm feeling restriction like I have been since waking up a couple of hours ago.

So Monday has generally been my weigh-in day (for the official count) but last week we were camping still on Monday so I started my experiment on Tuesday and thus my first week isn't really complete till tomorrow morning.

But for the sake of consistency, I did weigh in this morning and was amazed to be back at 180.6. When I got home from camping I was 184 (which is basically where I had been for the past couple of months) so it definitely feels good to be back down at 180. I am looking forward to reporting a week from tomorrow that I am somewhere in the 170s for real and not due to working out hard or being dehydrated.

I'd have to say that at 1 week into the experiment, it's working! Which makes me very happy. And it hasn't been that hard AND I even had one major off plan day.

2 week experiment, days 5 and 6

Day 5 was a total loss. I was not even on plan for a fraction of it but we had a July 4th (or...2nd) cookout to go to. The good news is I drank my water, minimized the damage, got rid of the trail mix, and got right back on board this morning.

In fact, day 6 has been quite remarkable. It's 7pm and so far I've only had 506 calories. I've been busy doing stuff all day and just didn't have a lot of time to eat but these 506 calories have been high quality ones. 55 grams of protein so far. I use myfitnesspal.com to track my food and nutrients and it's kind of weird that they think I only need 45g of protein each day. Who came up with that? My surgeon wants me to have 60 at minimum and I've been getting over 100 and actually feeling really good lately. So myfitness pal is a great little tool but it needs to be able to customize how much of each nutrient I actually want per day.

I'll have to update tomorrow with the actual values I ended up with. I am projecting 956 calories.

2 week experiment, day 4

Ok, so day 3 sucked. I was more hungry than I have been in ages but that's mostly due to my band being looser (time of month over with) and I was recovering from a hard workout the day before. Maybe I should follow the plan more closely including no exercise the first 2 weeks but I just don't think that's possible - or good for me. I don't need to lose 5 lbs a week, 2 would be really great. Even 1 would be reasonable. But I need to keep exercising cause it helps with my stress.

But anyway, yeah. Day 3 was a bitch. It started off fine - I'm always tight in the morning and feel like I'm going to be full on protein shakes all day long. That normally changes around 2pm. I ate way more than I should have yesterday but the good news is I didn't go for junk (for the most part.) I had a couple of bites of things at work I shouldn't have and I indulged in some more of that trail mix that I had a few bites of the night before. It's like my late night munchy fix but it's got to stop. The trail mix is going to the barn tomorrow for the July 4th BBQ.

Still, even with all my cheats, I clocked in at 1774 calories. Here's the daily breakdown:

1774 calories
139g carb
88g fat
132g protein

I held steady at 182.8 this morning and I will be really happy if I get 1 more lb gone by Tuesday AM at my 1 week mark.

In terms of today, it's shaping up to be pretty good. I have been up since 6:40, worked out this morning, got into work earlier than normal, and plan on leaving a little early to go to dinner and a show tonight. I have started the day with a homemade protein shake (100cal/18g protein) which I am getting into the habit of doing on top of my 5+1 medifast meals on days I workout. Had a great time this morning at the gym and did some of the same things the trainer showed me from Wednesday. Hopefully I'll be better at some of the stuff by next Wed. if I can get a couple more practices in. He's having me do some stuff I've never done before with an inflatable ball.

At the moment, just trying to drink as much water as I can (by the way, I learned I sweat about 32oz per hour, interesting, huh?) and I'm pondering what to eat for my first food of the day. Oatmeal? or a bar?