Life on liquids

It's funny how, after being on liquids for about 12 days (in which I've lost about 8lbs) I've started to wonder if this is something I could do forever. I know that sounds crazy, but so does having surgery to shrink your stomach. I know I can't, but it's an interesting thought. Other people have said to me, upon learning of my liquid diet, "Hell, two weeks on that and you won't need surgery!" Well, I wish, but it's not that simple. I'm barely functional, though I think I'm doing a good job of hiding that fact. I've ridden my horse 4 times and gone rock climbing once in the past week alone. And I did my normal barn chores on Sunday with a little help (ok, a lot of help) from a friend who's going to be picking up the slack for me while I'm not able to lift anything above 15 lbs. But still, I've been active as ever and eating who knows how much. I stopped counting calories a few days in...it was just depressing. Right now, I've resigned myself to feeling what I would normally deem as "hungry" but since nothing really takes it away, it's starting to feel more normal.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the difference between "full" and "satisfied". I think that much of my trouble comes from not really knowing the difference. Or somehow being programmed to feel as though if I'm not "full" something is wrong. Being on liquids has really changed my perspective on this and I hope I can keep it for a long time to come. You see, being full takes a lot for me. In fact, it rarely if ever even happens. I can eat and eat like a bottomless pit and never feel full until I've gone way beyond normal overeating but on the other hand, I know I can feel satisfied fairly quickly. In my life, I've experienced satiety soon after eating something small but for many reasons (I paid for it, everyone else is still eating, not wanting to look weird, I know I'll be hungry later anyway so I might as well eat it now) I just keep going. I know it will be better for me to get in the habit of 5 small meals a day going forward. I need to eat just enough to feel satisfied and hopefully the band will do the job of keeping me that way longer. What I really hate about my body as it stands is that it seems no matter how full I may be, I need only wait 1/2 hour to be hungry again as if I'd never had anything. I know this is largely due to my PCOS and the insulin resistance that goes along with it. But even avoiding sugars at all and only eating proteins doesn't stop the pattern. But as much of it is physiological, I know there is a psychological portion as well. They say having the surgery only changes our anatomy and not our brain but I actually think it will help with the mental side for me. Having a real, legitimate, medical reason why I cannot eat more than I should feels like it will be the excuse I need to make the right choices and also stop when I feel a little bit of satiety coming on. I won't have to feel weird about carrying around a snack in case of low blood sugar because I have something legitimate going on that proves I need to alter my eating habits from those of normal people. Now, before surgery, without anything "real" it feels to me like I would just be making a scene if I insisted on things prepared a certain way... or carried food with me places where I know I won't be able to eat what's provided. That's the thing: now I am able, which makes it feel optional to me. After surgery it will be mandatory and that just feels so empowering. I'm not sure if this is making sense but I know that having this done is going to really give me what I need to do what I know is right for myself.