Because it's so freaking hard...

...And I've still got so much to go

That's the quote of the week. Well, it was 2 weeks ago when the line appeared on my new favorite (as long as Glee is on hiatus) show HUGE. I was almost embarrassed to admit I like it but then I found out FATSHIONISTA does recaps of it weekly and I feel a lot better now. And their recaps are great, truly. If you're not going to watch the show, just start at the beginning and read the recaps.

So, these two kids, Ian and Alistair are talking about the whole weight loss thing and Alistair says that he lost a little (they are at fat camp after all) and the counselor told him he was doing "great" but he still felt so sad and didn't know why. Man, kid, do I hear you. 67 lbs that I never imagined I'd lose in my wildest dreams and most of the time I can only feel sad that it's not happening more quickly or in the right places, or hell, just finished already. So I was watching this episode while jogging on the treadmill and if I hadn't been running my little heart out, I might have taken more time to really feel the emotion of the scene. But I felt it enough that I had to come home and write about it.

The episode was the week of the official camp weigh in and while some of the campers made a big deal over how much they lost or didn't, some of the kids actually tore up their sheets of paper without looking at them, making a statement that they weren't going to let that number determine how they felt. I wish I had the balls to do that sometimes but now that I've started down the path of caring it feels like a slippery slope that I'm unable to pull myself out of despite sometimes really wanting to.

Sometimes I remember how content I used to be with my body. Sure I was fat but that didn't always define me. I focused on so many other things that were great about myself and accepted the body as one area that wasn't perfect. Now, it seems as though all I do is criticize my body. And it doesn't deserve this. This body has been damn good to me in fact...I thought to myself while jogging tonight. It's rarely ever just crapped out on me or refused to do something. It's not the most flexible or the strongest or whatever, but it functions fine. I jogged 3.25 miles tonight (in 42 minutes) and I was thinking how compared to other people who weigh 206lbs, my body is pretty impressive. Sometimes when I'm exercising I forget that I'm fat and I just feel what it's like to truly be alive in my body. No wonder I'm quickly becoming addicted to the gym.

I love watching HUGE when I work out, not because the topic of fat camp inspires me to work harder. No...it's the emotion and realness behind the writing and acting of this show that remind me it's not all about where I'm going or where I've been. It's mostly about where I am now. It reminds me that the prettiest, "thinnest", girl at camp who only loses 1 lb when the fatter kids lose 8 still feels just as bad about herself as she would if she weighed twice as much. It reminds me that we are our harshest critics and that stopping to listen to other people is important.

All the people at my office who call me skinny now or tell me how great I look...why don't I believe them? Why do I still see myself as a warped blob-ish figure where I used to see a beautiful curvy woman? Where did my body acceptance and love go? What can I do to get it back? I am so tired of criticizing my body. I want to practice complimenting it and loving it - really loving it - not just loving it if I can squeeze into a smaller size this week. And thanking it for all that it allows me to do. I think that if I start doing these things, my attitude will adjust. I just miss...well I miss a lot of things about pre-banded life. But I have gained SO much, I know this, I'm not regretting it. I just need to figure out how to wrap my head around the new and evolving "me" and love this me as much as I used to. Because I should love this new me more, if anything.

And can I just say (of course I can, it's my blog) that sometimes the idea of staying at 206 is very appealing. Why keep going? Do I really want to? I can easily maintain this weight indefinitely. I feel great, I am in great shape, I can do everything I want, I can fit into any clothes I want (seriously, 14s at normal stores and medium shirts!) And I think the "problem" just dawned on me. I went into this surgery not really believing I'd get to where I am today, not 100%. I mostly wanted to improve my health, be able to be more active, not restricted in the things I can do. Rock climbing for example, or horseback riding. Now, down 67 lbs, my body feels great. I like the size I am. I'm curvy and muscular with a good bit of padding still. I wish my face weren't so chubby but I've started noticing other, thinner women, with chubby faces so it's not that bad really. And let's face it. Having lost 24% of my total body weight, I have achieved the health advantages that are to be sought in such a procedure. So now that I really have gotten what I set out wanting - if I keep going, does that mean I'm pursuing thinness because of cultural standards? Am I chasing some socially constructed ideal of beauty, health, femininity? Why do I want to keep losing weight - a LOT of it in fact? Why do I want to lose 50 more lbs when already without doing so I am healthy, fit, eating better than I ever have, and fitting into clothes I never thought I would. I don't know. And what if I don't want to lose any more? I mean, I do! But would it be wrong if I didn't? I think this needs more pondering. I don't want to lose 50 more lbs to hit a number I'm "supposed" to be. But I still want it. Maybe I just want to be able to say I did. And is there anything wrong with that either?