6 months and 6 flights of stairs

My 6 month surgi-versary came and went without much fanfare. I made my goal of getting to 200lbs by my 6 month mark (9/17/10) and in fact, I saw the scale land on 199.6 the other day for the first time ever. It's gone back up to 200.4 over the past few days but is stable there so I'm sure by next week I'll be firmly planted in the 190s. Having met my first goal, and averaging around 10lbs a month lost, I am OK easing up a little bit and accepting more like 5-7lbs a month if it happens. On the other hand, I need to step up my exercise to keep losing because I can feel a plateau coming on as my body has adjusted quite well to this new way of life.

I have started climbing the stairs to my office... I work on the 6th floor and I used to think that going up would be torturous but it's really not. It takes me under 2 minutes which is not that much longer than the elevator. In fact, it's probably quicker when you think about all the annoying people stopping on every floor on my way up. I take them down as well but that's easy. My first 5K run is next weekend (10/2) and I'm going to do a practice outdoor 5K tonight (I hope) before rock climbing. I've been doing 5K on the treadmill with no problem but I know outdoors is going to be tougher and I'm wondering if I'll still be able to do it in the same time frame (about 40 minutes.) On the other hand, maybe it'll be more interesting to run a new route instead of on the treadmill.

I know this isn't that exciting of a post but isn't it nice to not be angst-ridden? I'm happy! I'm really happy. So many things in life are going well these days and being so close to my larger weight loss goals makes me worry about it all a bit less.

So here's a picture I took yesterday. Actually, here are 2 pictures - a "before" and a "during" (since I'm not yet at "after".) First picture was taken in February, a month or so before my surgery.



And here's yesterday:

It's official, I'm a low-carber

It's too bad really. Because there are so many wonderful things that are healthy and low-fat and nutritious but packed with carbohydrates and sugar. Fruit, for one thing. Which I miss dearly. But it's sunk in big time that if I want to lose weight I have to eliminate nearly all carbohydrates from my diet, even the good ones like whole grains and fruit. On the other hand, I've found that it's not hard to maintain my current weight at all while eating them, so it gives me hope for sometime in the future when I'll be at a weight I want to maintain and can go into that mode.

In the 3 weeks since I got my last fill, I spent 2 of them eating whatever I wanted but in very small quantities. That resulted in me staying the same weight for 2 weeks. I was rather disappointed because I thought I'd be losing like crazy given how very little I could eat. As a sidenote, it took over a week for my body to settle down after the fill and be able to even eat a 1/2 cup or cup of food at one meal. Last week I decided to jump back on the low carb wagon that's gotten me this far and within 5 days I'd lost 5 lbs. Yes, that's right.

So now I'm 204.4 (been holding steady for a few days as I splurged at a party Saturday and then had an entire "off" day on Sunday) but I know that by Friday I should be closing in on my first goal of 200. I really, truly, cannot believe I am this close. It feels unreal and exciting. I feel like at hitting 200, I have shaved off the top layer of what I need to lose and going forward I will be able to see a real difference with every 10 lbs I shed. At least I sure hope so!

Anyway, I had marked on my calendar that I wanted to be at 200 by September 26, 2010 which would mean a loss of 73lbs from my starting weight dated 1/22/10. Now, keep in mind (and I have to remind myself of this too) Lap band patients are expected to lose 1-2 lbs per week and my surgery was on 3/17/10 so I would be expected to have lost 28 - 56 lbs. My doctor would be ecstatic if I had lost 56. And I will have lost 75 at the rate I'm going. When I think of it that way, it makes me really happy.

I love days like this... days where I get all my water in. Where I am not hungry, where I am making good choices and eating lots of protein and really don't have room for anything else. The less carbs I eat the less I even think about eating, period. It's very weird that way but I am so fortunate to have found the "secret" to working with my body on this.

Because it's so freaking hard...

...And I've still got so much to go

That's the quote of the week. Well, it was 2 weeks ago when the line appeared on my new favorite (as long as Glee is on hiatus) show HUGE. I was almost embarrassed to admit I like it but then I found out FATSHIONISTA does recaps of it weekly and I feel a lot better now. And their recaps are great, truly. If you're not going to watch the show, just start at the beginning and read the recaps.

So, these two kids, Ian and Alistair are talking about the whole weight loss thing and Alistair says that he lost a little (they are at fat camp after all) and the counselor told him he was doing "great" but he still felt so sad and didn't know why. Man, kid, do I hear you. 67 lbs that I never imagined I'd lose in my wildest dreams and most of the time I can only feel sad that it's not happening more quickly or in the right places, or hell, just finished already. So I was watching this episode while jogging on the treadmill and if I hadn't been running my little heart out, I might have taken more time to really feel the emotion of the scene. But I felt it enough that I had to come home and write about it.

The episode was the week of the official camp weigh in and while some of the campers made a big deal over how much they lost or didn't, some of the kids actually tore up their sheets of paper without looking at them, making a statement that they weren't going to let that number determine how they felt. I wish I had the balls to do that sometimes but now that I've started down the path of caring it feels like a slippery slope that I'm unable to pull myself out of despite sometimes really wanting to.

Sometimes I remember how content I used to be with my body. Sure I was fat but that didn't always define me. I focused on so many other things that were great about myself and accepted the body as one area that wasn't perfect. Now, it seems as though all I do is criticize my body. And it doesn't deserve this. This body has been damn good to me in fact...I thought to myself while jogging tonight. It's rarely ever just crapped out on me or refused to do something. It's not the most flexible or the strongest or whatever, but it functions fine. I jogged 3.25 miles tonight (in 42 minutes) and I was thinking how compared to other people who weigh 206lbs, my body is pretty impressive. Sometimes when I'm exercising I forget that I'm fat and I just feel what it's like to truly be alive in my body. No wonder I'm quickly becoming addicted to the gym.

I love watching HUGE when I work out, not because the topic of fat camp inspires me to work harder. No...it's the emotion and realness behind the writing and acting of this show that remind me it's not all about where I'm going or where I've been. It's mostly about where I am now. It reminds me that the prettiest, "thinnest", girl at camp who only loses 1 lb when the fatter kids lose 8 still feels just as bad about herself as she would if she weighed twice as much. It reminds me that we are our harshest critics and that stopping to listen to other people is important.

All the people at my office who call me skinny now or tell me how great I look...why don't I believe them? Why do I still see myself as a warped blob-ish figure where I used to see a beautiful curvy woman? Where did my body acceptance and love go? What can I do to get it back? I am so tired of criticizing my body. I want to practice complimenting it and loving it - really loving it - not just loving it if I can squeeze into a smaller size this week. And thanking it for all that it allows me to do. I think that if I start doing these things, my attitude will adjust. I just miss...well I miss a lot of things about pre-banded life. But I have gained SO much, I know this, I'm not regretting it. I just need to figure out how to wrap my head around the new and evolving "me" and love this me as much as I used to. Because I should love this new me more, if anything.

And can I just say (of course I can, it's my blog) that sometimes the idea of staying at 206 is very appealing. Why keep going? Do I really want to? I can easily maintain this weight indefinitely. I feel great, I am in great shape, I can do everything I want, I can fit into any clothes I want (seriously, 14s at normal stores and medium shirts!) And I think the "problem" just dawned on me. I went into this surgery not really believing I'd get to where I am today, not 100%. I mostly wanted to improve my health, be able to be more active, not restricted in the things I can do. Rock climbing for example, or horseback riding. Now, down 67 lbs, my body feels great. I like the size I am. I'm curvy and muscular with a good bit of padding still. I wish my face weren't so chubby but I've started noticing other, thinner women, with chubby faces so it's not that bad really. And let's face it. Having lost 24% of my total body weight, I have achieved the health advantages that are to be sought in such a procedure. So now that I really have gotten what I set out wanting - if I keep going, does that mean I'm pursuing thinness because of cultural standards? Am I chasing some socially constructed ideal of beauty, health, femininity? Why do I want to keep losing weight - a LOT of it in fact? Why do I want to lose 50 more lbs when already without doing so I am healthy, fit, eating better than I ever have, and fitting into clothes I never thought I would. I don't know. And what if I don't want to lose any more? I mean, I do! But would it be wrong if I didn't? I think this needs more pondering. I don't want to lose 50 more lbs to hit a number I'm "supposed" to be. But I still want it. Maybe I just want to be able to say I did. And is there anything wrong with that either?

Reality Setting In

I woke up early this morning and went to the gym. Ran a mile and then walked a few more minutes, did some weights, the rowing machine, and some abs. Showered, drove to work, and have been sitting here at my desk doing work related stuff ever since. It's 2:30 pm and I don't feel like I've actually eaten anything today. I've drank 40oz of water so I'm halfway to my daily goal of 80. And I've had 5 almonds and 2 cashews and a few bites of a mushy broccoli/eggbeaters quiche-esque thing I brought from home. But really, compared to even how I was a week ago, I haven't "eaten" anything.

Last night I went out do dinner with Steve and his dad and I wasn't hungry but ordered a baked potato with shredded pork on it anyway. I knew I'd only take a few bites, which I did. Small bites that I chew thoroughly and slowly. And after 3 of them I was full, probably well beyond full really, and I stopped. Sitting there over the next 15 minutes socializing and NOT eating anything, I began to get more and more uncomfortable. Pain in my head and back which I know means my stomach is overly full. All of a sudden, after all that time of not eating, I felt like I was going to hurl. I left the restaurant and it took about 15 more minutes of walking around outside and hacking up slimy goo for me to feel even mildly better. By the time we got home, an hour after I'd last eaten anything, I felt pretty much normal.

Reality is definitely hitting me. This is not my old life or my old body. The honeymoon I've been on with my band unfilled/very loose is not really what having a lapband is about. I've been thinking how easy all this has been and how I haven't had any ill effects from the band, but now I see that if I am not extremely careful about every little thing, I'm going to be in a world of pain.

Finally.

Later last night I was hungry and decided to take a 2nd try at my dinner. I measured out 2 oz of meat and potato and cut it up and mashed it all together. I ate as slow as I could over the course of 30 minutes. Seriously, have you ever tried eating 2oz of something over 30 minutes? The bites I was eating could more aptly be described as crumbs - if potatoes had crumbs, at least.

It all went down fine, thankfully, and I was ready to be finished well before I got to the end. Not sure why I kept eating but I figured it's 2 ounces for God's sake, it wouldn't kill me to eat the whole thing. I will have that potato and meat for another 6 meals at this rate.

So, I've come to the conclusion that my band is not too tight, that is, I don't need to go get fluid taken out to make it easier to eat again. It's just that I'm finally at that place where the idea of eating more than a tiny bit makes me nauseous and I'm actually concerned I may not get enough protein or nutrition.

I hope this is what I need to reboot my weight loss. I have to keep up with my normal (fairly hard core) exercise that I've let slack off due to all sorts of other things in the past month too. But eating 1/4 of what I'm used to certainly can't hurt. Right? I don't know.

Falling off

If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would lost 60 lbs I would not have believed them. But, if I had believed them, I would have thought, "Wow, 60lbs is a LOT! I won't be able to wear any of my clothes anymore, they'll all just be falling off. I'll be wasting away like a skeleton!" Back then, 60 lbs seemed like a lot more than it really is. I mean, it's a lot for sure, but it's not that much. There are people who've lost 100, 200, 300. Now their clothes are falling off them, I'm sure. They could probably swim in a pool the size of their old underwear if they wanted to. But 60? Not really that much - I now know.

Still, as I keep active on the message boards for people with Lap Bands, I see so much talk of this phenomenon of the falling clothes. People are constantly finding, when they least expect it, on their way to work, running to catch the bus, working out at the gym, their clothes are FALLING OFF of them. Left and right, it's like no one owns a belt or realizes that the should buy things a size smaller than they think they need so that it lasts longer. Or is it that they actually lose so much weight in one day that the pants they put on in the morning no longer fit them that afternoon? Either way, I don't understand it but mostly I'm jealous and I don't understand how come mine aren't doing the same thing.

In fact, I can still technically wear everything I owned at my heaviest, 63lbs ago. The clothes are roomy, sure. Loose, baggy, need a belt so my ass crack doesn't show when I bend over, but nothing is falling off. And you know what? That makes me feel kind of inadequate when I think of it. Thoughts such as, "maybe my 60lb loss is just an illusion or a broken scale." Or "maybe I'm only going to lose weight from weird places like my feet (which have gone down 1 size) but stop losing entirely from my waist and hips." Or even weirder is the fact that I can put on a size 14 jeans and they fit perfectly but I can put back on my old size 24s and they are still wearable. That is discouraging. For God's sake, I just want to be walking down the street and find my pants not capable of staying above my ankles, is that too much to ask??

So yesterday, I was preparing a bunch of clothes to donate to the Salvation Army and I came across a pair of Old Navy linen pants with a 42" waist. I don't remember them ever being tight on me but I know they did fit at one point. I tried them on to see if maybe, just maybe, these would be a pair that would fall off. Immediately, they were noticeably loose. I took a few hops around my bedroom and they started to move. A couple of jumping jacks and they were past my hips and there was no stopping them. The pants fell off of me completely, for the first time in my life! Now, I don't really feel like this counts because this is not a pair of pants I would be wearing out in public and all of the ones I do wear to work are in no danger of falling off. But maybe soon. With my recent band adjustment, I'm predicting to be under 200 for the first time in (???) years by Labor Day. Surely, 73 lbs would be enough that anything I owned before I started all this would start falling off, right? Right? Oh, and I guess I'd better buy some cute underwear if I'm planning on everything slipping off in the near future.

Um...is this what they were talking about?

Major update time, folks. Sorry for not posting lately (I say as if anyone is sitting around with baited breathe, anxiously awaiting my next entry!) Life has been really busy, and good. Great really.

In the band realm, the past month has been hard because since my appointment on July 2nd at which I told Dr. A that I thought I was good without a fill, I've been regretting that and feeling like more than anything I did need one. I wasn't supposed to go back till 8/13 but I called in mid-July and got bumped up to 8/5. He put in a whole CC which means I have either 4.5 or 5 depending on whose math is correct. I believe I only have 4.5 cause he took out .5 of the initial 3.5 he gave me back in May. But he told me I have 5 now so I'll go with that. 5 is definitely around the point where I should be feeling it (my band only holds 10ccs so from here onward it's more full than empty.) And man, am I feeling it!

I have only ever felt this tight immediately after surgery and never even close to this after my first 2 fills. Well, 3rd one's a charm - I can only hope. But what a sudden change! For the past month I've been able to eat whatever and however much of it I could want. Not that I have been, but I know I could. I have not been satisfied on solid protein and vegetables the way I had been previously and I started experimenting with pizza, pasta, and bread again in my last week before the fill. I didn't gain any weight, in fact my own scale had me at 211.6 the morning of my appointment, but that was due to my own diligence in limiting myself even while I felt I could, in theory, have eaten my way back to 273 most days. Then there were the few, very few, odd days where the extreme heat and humidity did something weird and took away my desire and ability to eat. Those days I drank protein shakes and enjoyed the wonderful new feeling of not being hungry. But most days I felt as though my band had fallen off, disappeared, or just vaporized. Maybe it was absorbed into my body or something? Ohhhhh no it didn't! It's still there. Took another CC of fluid to prove it but it's definitely live and kicking.

I got the adjustment on Thursday at 4pm. My doctor is always impressed with my loss but this month I was being down on myself cause I only registered has having lost 5.5 lbs. The first thing that happened sort of lightened the mood a bit. Dr. A walked into the room holding the printout from the computer with all my numbers and said "I think they messed these up." I immediately figured he was referring to my small loss of 5 lbs this month and said, "No, I just had a hard month." He shook his head no and said something wasn't right and they (the nurses who take weight and enter it into the computer) had done something wrong. Turns out they had. They'd entered me at 288 somehow instead of my actual reading. So, about 75lbs more than I actually am, if my math is correct (it's probably not.) Anyway, that was funny and got me a bit more relaxed. I told him I thought he was making fun of me for not losing more this month and he said something along the lines of "I tell you every time, you're at where we expect people 3 years out" which I don't believe but ok. And then he said he wished 50% of his patients were as successful as me and that made me feel very good.

So, on to what happened next, I got another CC bringing me to 5 by his count. I drank the glass of water slowly with no trouble. I left. Come to find out that anything more than water is a different story. For the past 2 days I have been walking around perpetually drifting between extremely hungry and 2 sips later - OMG gonna puke. I got STUCK on a couple of bites of liquidy instant oatmeal and after a few minutes had to hack it up cause it was just too painful to keep trying to keep it down. I have never experienced tightness like this, at least not since the first few days after surgery, so I've been going back and forth since Thursday night between loving it and wondering if I'm too tight.

It's been well over 48 hours now and finally I can drink water at a normal pace without feeling icky. I had what I approximate to be 1 tablespoon of guacamole for dinner along with a bite of cottage cheese and a teaspoon of diced up tomato/onion "pico de gallo." The really delicious protein smoothie I made for myself this morning is still in the fridge cause 2 spoonfulls of it is enough to satisfy me for hours. I know this will change as the swelling goes down but this is amazing! I have no idea how long it'll last and I'm hoping at least for 2 weeks of this kind of restriction even if I have to eat softer foods for a bit. It would just be so nice. I take one bite and I have no interest in the food anymore and I've already learned that it's not worth it to take an extra bite just to see (that ends badly.) Fingers crossed...

But anyway, I'm enjoying it for now. Despite being a little bit frustrating to really want to enjoy even a few bites of something and really not being able to. I don't care! This is what I asked for after all, this tool to help me. And right now it feels like a power tool. Industrial strength.

Already "there"

I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreaming. But there's a voice inside my head saying "you'll never reach it."

Yes, the great Miley Cyrus sure knows what she's talking about.

I've been feeling kind of frustrated the past few days. I've gained 3 lbs in the past 5 days even though that's counting from what was probably an artificial drop to 214.8. I am now back to 217.6 and am wondering "where did I go wrong?" I've been doing pretty much the same as I always have though my exercise has gotten out of whack since my vacation about 2 weeks ago. I'm still doing something everyday but my heavy gym time and rock climbing have had to be put on hold for other obligations. Hoping to get back in the normal routine starting Monday. So I've been anxious: what if this is it? What if I start to regain everything I've already lost? What if the easy part is over and now I have to kill myself to lose a single pound from here on out? I'm letting myself spiral into an overwhelming amount of negative thoughts and I've decided this needs to stop now. So here I am journaling to get it all out in the open - even if I'm the only one who reads it.

Even at 217 I am lighter than I have been in probably 10 years, I have no idea! The lowest weight on any of my previous 5 year medical records (which I had to collect for the surgery approval) was 240. I vaguely remember being 220 at some age, maybe 13? So, let's think about this for a moment. I am at the lowest weight of my adult life, fitting into size Medium shirts and 14 pants, able to do anything I want physically and not hungry all the time? And I'm complaining? Jesus! I've lost sight of why I started this all to begin with and maybe I need to take a major re-read of my blog from the beginning.

Sure, I still feel really fat. In fact, I feel larger than I did when I started, probably just due to the heavy focus on everything. But for crying out loud, I'm not! When I started, I said that if I lost 50lbs it would be a wild success because I had never done that before or even come close. So why all of a sudden is 55lbs not good enough for me? No one in my life is making me feel as though I'm not doing well enough. And I can shop in normal stores for the first time ever, walk into places with confidence knowing I'll find something that fits, and in some cases not even need the biggest size on the rack. My endurance has skyrocketed - I don't get out of breath in the least when I do things that use to make me pant. Riding my horse is a whole new experience and I feel more stable and secure in the saddle where I used to feel like a mess all over the place.

There are so many little things that have improved, so why am I focusing on the stupid scale numbers or clothing sizes? And even if I am, my doctor told me when I saw him last week that what I've lost so far (41% of my "excess weight") is what is expected in about 2 years on average. It's been 3.5 months! I need to continue to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. And that in many ways stop worrying about "getting there" or fantasizing about what things will be like when I can say I weigh 199 or wear a size 12. I'm already here, right? I've proven that with the band I can lose 50 lbs and I should be even more confident that I can lose 50 more if I want, not afraid that my luck has run out.

So, I'd better get out my ipod and start listening to my kickass workout music. And Miley...she's right about something if I could just keep remembering:

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.

PS - Here is a picture of my new shirt. Ladies Medium from H&M. Which kind of freaks me out because I look like I should still be wearing a 2XL. Shut up, shut up, shut up, head!