New successes and old failures

It's August 13th, as you can see by the blog times tamp. Just shy of 5 months from my revision. I meant to write more but where did the time go? I guess I've just been really busy focusing on the 10 million things I have to keep track of on a daily basis. Being healthy is a ton of work! I am so grateful for this "job" though.

I keep promising myself I will write more frequently. It helped me the first time and I know it would help me now. I've always been one to need to "think aloud" in order to process what's going on. So here I am again, absent for months from a journal no one else even reads. And now back.

So much has happened in these short months. I recovered well from my surgery. I sold a house that I'd owned since 2009 but no longer lived in. Got a horse trailer and truck to pull them with as a gift from an incredible partner for our 5 year anniversary. Oh, yeah, and I lost 37 lbs...or so. Whatever.

37lbs - putting me squarely at 200 and just days away from breaking the 200-barrier for the 2nd time in my life. The first time was September, 2010. I know this because I looked back at my blog. I'm not sure when I crossed 200 again from the other side (on my way up) but I think it was sometime around fall 2012. I am guessing I haven't seen 200 itself in about 3 years. I didn't keep nearly as good of records on my climb back up into obesity.

To be a "weight loss surgery failure" is very difficult. People assume that having weight loss surgery is "the easy way out" so when you "fail" at it, you are even worse than people who lose weight on their own and fail. I know I didn't actually fail. I managed to keep off 95lbs for 2+ years, then even with some regain, kept 40-something pounds off for 3 more years. And my regain was due to many factors including the band just not working for me anymore.

You see, when the band stops working, it takes many forms. Some people get a simple and clear cut mechanical failure such as a leak in the tubing or a slip or an erosion. I had some more subtle problems that I didn't even know were problems, or the extent of, until it was removed.

My band was either too loose, not providing any help at all, or too tight - leaving me unable to swallow a bite of solid, healthy food.

I had spent more money than I could afford messing with the "adjustments" trying to find a level where I wasn't in pain or sick from the tightness of it but not constantly hungry.

My esophagus, about 2.5 years in, exhausted from the constant pressure against it from the band every time I ate food, just stopped working properly. Instead of pushing chewed food down into my stomach (past the band) it would just let food sit in my lower esophagus, which stretched the muscle.

When we realized this was happening, I got all of the fluid taken out of the band, leading to an instantly enlarged appetite, but still, the band inside me would make itself known once in a while if I ate the wrong thing. And by "wrong thing" I mean: meat, fibrous vegetables; fruit, well, basically anything that wasn't chips or ice cream.

The first time I met someone else with a failing band who mentioned the "chip and ice cream diet" I was so relieved it wasn't just me. If you've never been through this it might seem impossible to comprehend how someone so determined to lose weight that she will undergo surgery, comply with a 2 week pre-operative liquid diet, and spend 5 mornings a week at the gym, could possibly turn into someone that lives off junk food. I had lost 95lbs and I had maintained it. I even underwent plastic surgery to remove excess skin and looked the best I ever had. Why would I ever go back to eating junk food?

This is the reason: Imagine being so hungry but physically unable to swallow something nutritious. You'd try. You'd chew a piece of chicken until it was liquified. And when you swallow, it felt like a 1,000 lb weight was sitting in your chest. You try not to puke it up. You start to foam at the mouth, or "slime". Uncontrollable saliva begins to emerge. But it's not even normal spit. It's thick like mucous - the digestive tract desperately trying to lubricate itself to get this food down and make the pain stop.  And when you can't stand it anymore, you give in to the urge and regurgitate the whole thing into a napkin. Or a cup you keep in your car in case of emergencies. For a few minutes you feel nauseous and horrified. Disgusted with yourself and what has just happened. And when that moment passes, you realize that you're hungry. So, so, hungry. And that you don't care what you eat, don't care how it tastes, you just need to get something in you because you're shaking and dizzy. And potato chips - for some reason, go down easy. You can crush a whole bag in a few minutes. And it feels so good to finally stop the hunger for a little while that you don't worry about the calories, fat, or carbs. And you tell yourself that starting tomorrow you'll eat healthy. You'll chew better, take smaller bites, make sure your meat is tender before you try to eat it. But "tomorrow" never actually comes. Because it's not you. It's this thing inside of you.

Now, every day wasn't that bad but it would come and go. As predictable as the weather, basically. That is to say NOT AT ALL. I would have days or weeks of eating with no issue. I might start to get back on track with eating healthily or I might abuse the "freedom" to enjoy things I knew I wouldn't be able to soon. Then there would be the days when I could choke myself on a protein shake. I never understood that. Literally, drinking a protein shake and having to vomit it up because it wouldn't go down past my band.

And it might have all been ok if the band had provided me the kind of appetite suppression it did in the first 2 years. Isn't that outrageous? To admit that I might have been ok living like this if only I could have remained thin? But lucky for me, I didn't. I put back on a lot of my lost weight and I had to face the fact that nothing I could do with the band could stop me from continuing to gain weight.

And that's when I became a revision patient. There is more of the details on that below so I won't spend time on it tonight.

I will admit it though: the revision hasn't been everything I had hoped. I really hoped I would be one of those lucky people that got their hunger hormones extinguished. I mean, out in a landfill somewhere with the 80% of my stomach they removed. I had a few days of that right after surgery! Now, I get hungry just like everyone else. I had also sort of hoped I'd have some major intolerance to certain foods. Just be unable to eat things I shouldn't but still able to eat all the healthy foods. Yeah, wishful thinking. I can eat ANYTHING. At least, in 5 months I haven't come across something I can't eat. I can also eat more than I'm supposed to be able to. Most people 5 months out from their sleeve are struggling to get a mandatory minimum amount of protein and water in daily. Let's just say I haven't struggled since I started solid food 3 weeks post op.

But would I really have wanted to go from one miserable way of eating and disfunctional relationship with food to another? Knowing how things are now, I am grateful that my wishes didn't come true.

And would I do it again? A million times over and without a second thought, yes! So if it isn't some miracle cure then how have I lost 37lbs in the past 5 months? I have busted my ass, mostly! As everyone does when trying to lose weight. I firmly believe if anyone tells you it can be done easily, then they are sadly mistaken.

I watch my diet meticulously - at the moment I don't even eat sugar substitutes and obviously not anything with sugar. I am basically on a whole food, minimally processed, high protein and not much else "diet" right now. And I exercise even more religiously than ever before. I think I might have a true rest day once or twice a month.

I know my weight loss isn't impressive by bariatric standards but I can squat 115lbs, chest press 95, and deadlift 110. I can also bike 75 miles in a day! Those are all things I could not do, not even close, 6 months ago. To improve my overall fitness so fast while losing weight is actually pretty damn impressive.

And now that I am mere days away from being in the 100s again, and conceivably less than a year away from meeting my ultimate goal weight (160 - which I never got to the first time around)... I realize I have made some major changes to the way I live, eat, and treat my body in general. For possibly the first time, just now - in the recent past - I am doing everything I "should" be.  Ok, so I could get better sleep. But almost everything!

So that's it for tonight. I have other topics brewing but I'll be back. Sooner this time!