This past weekend, I had an amazing time. Visited a friend that I haven't seen in forever and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The downside of this is that I did not follow the best eating practices I've been trying to develop lately but the good news is that I didn't "go crazy" the way I see it. Even though eating a normal amount (like 8 pieces of sushi) felt like I'd eaten my weight in fat, I spent Saturday and Sunday indulging and jumped right back onto my plan Monday morning. I made the mistake of hopping on the scale Sunday night and I was (of course) up a few lbs from the last time I'd weighed. I also am expecting my period which hasn't come yet and I know I'm holding on to water or something cause of that. I just wish it were really as predictable and dependable as "calories in - calories out" but I have to accept that it just isn't. That may be a good start but it's definitely not everything.
Anyway, I have decided to get rid of the scale. I joined a gym and they have one there, which means I'll be limited to obsessing a few times a week instead of every morning. Still not sure what to do with the old scale. Actually, it's a new scale that I bought a couple of months ago but it doesn't really seem accurate and it has not once delivered on the promise of bone density, hydration, and body fat % like is claims. I keep getting an error. Apparently I don't have any water or bone density... I guess?
So in terms of the roller coaster, it's interesting how my feelings about myself and how I'm doing can change so much from day to day. I do know that if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be (eating right, drinking water, exercising, taking my vitamins) I feel much better on a given day than if I'm not. And since I've been doing all the right stuff most of the time, I've been feeling pretty good. But it does suck when I have a day I just can't bring myself to do everything and then I feel really crappy. But I heard something important the other day. It's like the stock market. When it goes up, it's not all at once in a straight line...it goes up and down, up and down, but more up than down. That'll be me...eventually I'll get where I want to go. Have to keep telling myself that and some days I believe it.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Lies, lies, lies!
I have a really dysfunctional relationship with my scale. Not afraid to admit it. I've told Steve to lock it up and hide it but then I really needed it and he caved ;) Lol. I'm like a junkie.
The good thing for now is that every time I get on it it's either the same or lower. But that's also part of the problem. I don't trust the damn thing further than I could throw it. Ok, yes, it's not that heavy so I could throw it pretty far, but you know what I mean.
Today, for example, got on first thing in the morning and I was down about a pound from yesterday morning. Then I realized Steve had moved it when opening a window last night so sometimes the first reading isn't accurate and it needs to "reset." So I got back on - literally 30 seconds later - and I was 2 lbs less than yesterday. I hate it when this happens. So figuring I'd do best 2 out of 3 (i.e. see if I could get the same reading twice) I got on again and it was 3 lbs less than yesterday!
It's been about an hour so I tried again to see if I could get a match and luckily (for my sanity) it came up at the middle number. So that's what I'll go with for today. But I can't help feeling like the stupid thing is always lying to me. And of course, inherent in that is that I haven't really lost the 30lbs it says I have. Good thing I go to see my new shrink today. 3rd appointment...we've passed through my history and will be on to my craziness today for sure!
The good thing for now is that every time I get on it it's either the same or lower. But that's also part of the problem. I don't trust the damn thing further than I could throw it. Ok, yes, it's not that heavy so I could throw it pretty far, but you know what I mean.
Today, for example, got on first thing in the morning and I was down about a pound from yesterday morning. Then I realized Steve had moved it when opening a window last night so sometimes the first reading isn't accurate and it needs to "reset." So I got back on - literally 30 seconds later - and I was 2 lbs less than yesterday. I hate it when this happens. So figuring I'd do best 2 out of 3 (i.e. see if I could get the same reading twice) I got on again and it was 3 lbs less than yesterday!
It's been about an hour so I tried again to see if I could get a match and luckily (for my sanity) it came up at the middle number. So that's what I'll go with for today. But I can't help feeling like the stupid thing is always lying to me. And of course, inherent in that is that I haven't really lost the 30lbs it says I have. Good thing I go to see my new shrink today. 3rd appointment...we've passed through my history and will be on to my craziness today for sure!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
And the scale keeps moving
Despite everyone telling me that it's not supposed to at this point (3 weeks post op) my scale continues to move. Slowly but surely, and sometimes staying the same for a few days, but constantly inching downward. On the other hand, probably not all that slowly...it just seems that way when you weigh every day. I know I'm not supposed to be doing that but plenty of people do and I think it helps me feel like I'm on track.
So, today I am 244.2. On the morning of surgery I was 260. Um...that's like 15 lbs! And tomorrow is my 3 week surgi-versary! So averaging 5lbs a week right now. Ok, I take back the part about it being slow. I'm still in denial over if it's really "working" but I am taking weekly photos and of course the numerical proof is there. I'm definitely worried about what's going to happen when the scale stalls for more than a few days because I'll admit the numbers do help me get through the day. I am completely willing to put in all the work of counting calories and stuff and making sure I get exercise every day, as long as I'm seeing results. But if I start gaining weight for any reason I can see this turning bad very fast. Right now, even though I do get full on very little and stay full longer, I am constantly having to remind myself that no, I'm not actually hungry, when I think I might be. In my past life, I would have just taken that signal and ran with it. Because it didn't matter. Because limiting myself to any number of calories never actually worked and left me very run down. Now it's working and I don't want to go back there.
So, today I am 244.2. On the morning of surgery I was 260. Um...that's like 15 lbs! And tomorrow is my 3 week surgi-versary! So averaging 5lbs a week right now. Ok, I take back the part about it being slow. I'm still in denial over if it's really "working" but I am taking weekly photos and of course the numerical proof is there. I'm definitely worried about what's going to happen when the scale stalls for more than a few days because I'll admit the numbers do help me get through the day. I am completely willing to put in all the work of counting calories and stuff and making sure I get exercise every day, as long as I'm seeing results. But if I start gaining weight for any reason I can see this turning bad very fast. Right now, even though I do get full on very little and stay full longer, I am constantly having to remind myself that no, I'm not actually hungry, when I think I might be. In my past life, I would have just taken that signal and ran with it. Because it didn't matter. Because limiting myself to any number of calories never actually worked and left me very run down. Now it's working and I don't want to go back there.
Friday, April 2, 2010
2 weeks out
The past 2 weeks have flown by and I am amazed to find my time off work half over already (sad face) but my recovery is going quite well (happy face.)
I have been doing my best to "stay active" as the surgeon recommends and I wonder sometimes if I'm overdoing it. But hey, it's working so I'm not complaining. I have walked several miles almost every day since my 3rd day out from surgery. Yesterday was the big exception. It was beautiful out and I stayed inside all day cause I just really needed a catch up day. I've been going above and beyond what other people are and I know because I had my two week follow up appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday and was met with a lot of positive feedback.
One thing you have to understand about all of this is that there is your goal weight and then there is your goal weight. For example, my goal weight is 180. It's where I think I would be really comfortable and feel great. But since I can't ever remember being 180, who knows? Then there is 150. 30 lbs less than I really "want" to be but it's considered normal by the BMI charts. Now, don't get me started on the idiocy of BMI as a measure...but for the purpose of this, let's assume that 150 is where I "need" to be even if it's not where "want" to be. That means that my EW (excess weight) started at 123 lbs and with Lap Band, the average person can expect to lose 50% of their EW by 3 years post op.
So, when I went into the doctor at 2 weeks post op and had already lost 24.1 lbs/19% of my EW, they were pleasantly surprised. I got teased by the nurse, "How's our little athlete doing?" and my surgeon remarked "You've been busy." Well, I've certainly been trying, and like I said, making a big effort to be as active as possible every day within the restrictions I still face (no bicycling, no horseback riding, no rock climbing, no lifting anything more than 15lbs...) But, in my opinion, doing anything less than what I have been would just be sub-par for me. I've got an able body, why wouldn't I use it? Don't get me wrong, I love being told I'm doing well, but I hold myself to pretty high standards and I am not aiming to do this halfway or even average.
The nurse remarked to me that most people have lost 7-10% of their excess weight by their 2 week follow up. I'll admit I felt almost guilty for having done more. So I told her that a lot of it was done before surgery, which is the truth. Which also scares me because I feel like I should have lost more since surgery than before it but then again, the before surgery time ranged from 1/23/10-3/17/10 and the after surgery time has only spanned 16 days now. There's no real way I could have lost more after than before. In response to my remark, she commented that I must have been implementing some of the "lifestyle changes" before surgery...and I guess...maybe? But that kind of remark sort of ticks me off too since I consider myself to have always lived a good lifestyle. It wasn't really that I was doing anything different before surgery except becoming more aware of the calories I consumed daily and for the 2 weeks that I was on a pre-op liquid diet it was shear will power to stay on broths and stuff to help shrink my liver and get used to what I would face post op.
I know she was just trying to be positive but it sort of felt like one of those remarks that's meant to convey that the only reason I was fat to begin with is because I didn't know how to eat right or exercise. Wow, if only eating right and exercising had done it for me the first 20 times I tried...
To be honest, the 2 weeks since surgery have not been that bad. The first few days sucked but what I really love is that now (whether it's due to swelling, the band itself, or the placebo effect) I can be happy and full for several hours eating 1/2 cup of pureed food with about 250 calories. Do that a few times a day with some small snacks thrown in (I mean seriously, 5 saltine crackers and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter. I never would have called that a snack in my previous life!) and it's hard not to be losing weight. Last time I tried 1000 calories a day, I couldn't keep it up for more than a month. But so far with this I feel like I could do it for as long as I need to. As long as I keep getting the results I want, I am happy to put in the effort. That's the whole reason dieting never worked for me in the past. Extreme hunger + extreme calorie restriction + extreme exercise = nothing? 5 lbs? WTF?
So this "success" thing is pretty new - in this area of life at least. Hence the extreme fear of failure. Nope, not afraid to admit it.
I have been doing my best to "stay active" as the surgeon recommends and I wonder sometimes if I'm overdoing it. But hey, it's working so I'm not complaining. I have walked several miles almost every day since my 3rd day out from surgery. Yesterday was the big exception. It was beautiful out and I stayed inside all day cause I just really needed a catch up day. I've been going above and beyond what other people are and I know because I had my two week follow up appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday and was met with a lot of positive feedback.
One thing you have to understand about all of this is that there is your goal weight and then there is your goal weight. For example, my goal weight is 180. It's where I think I would be really comfortable and feel great. But since I can't ever remember being 180, who knows? Then there is 150. 30 lbs less than I really "want" to be but it's considered normal by the BMI charts. Now, don't get me started on the idiocy of BMI as a measure...but for the purpose of this, let's assume that 150 is where I "need" to be even if it's not where "want" to be. That means that my EW (excess weight) started at 123 lbs and with Lap Band, the average person can expect to lose 50% of their EW by 3 years post op.
So, when I went into the doctor at 2 weeks post op and had already lost 24.1 lbs/19% of my EW, they were pleasantly surprised. I got teased by the nurse, "How's our little athlete doing?" and my surgeon remarked "You've been busy." Well, I've certainly been trying, and like I said, making a big effort to be as active as possible every day within the restrictions I still face (no bicycling, no horseback riding, no rock climbing, no lifting anything more than 15lbs...) But, in my opinion, doing anything less than what I have been would just be sub-par for me. I've got an able body, why wouldn't I use it? Don't get me wrong, I love being told I'm doing well, but I hold myself to pretty high standards and I am not aiming to do this halfway or even average.
The nurse remarked to me that most people have lost 7-10% of their excess weight by their 2 week follow up. I'll admit I felt almost guilty for having done more. So I told her that a lot of it was done before surgery, which is the truth. Which also scares me because I feel like I should have lost more since surgery than before it but then again, the before surgery time ranged from 1/23/10-3/17/10 and the after surgery time has only spanned 16 days now. There's no real way I could have lost more after than before. In response to my remark, she commented that I must have been implementing some of the "lifestyle changes" before surgery...and I guess...maybe? But that kind of remark sort of ticks me off too since I consider myself to have always lived a good lifestyle. It wasn't really that I was doing anything different before surgery except becoming more aware of the calories I consumed daily and for the 2 weeks that I was on a pre-op liquid diet it was shear will power to stay on broths and stuff to help shrink my liver and get used to what I would face post op.
I know she was just trying to be positive but it sort of felt like one of those remarks that's meant to convey that the only reason I was fat to begin with is because I didn't know how to eat right or exercise. Wow, if only eating right and exercising had done it for me the first 20 times I tried...
To be honest, the 2 weeks since surgery have not been that bad. The first few days sucked but what I really love is that now (whether it's due to swelling, the band itself, or the placebo effect) I can be happy and full for several hours eating 1/2 cup of pureed food with about 250 calories. Do that a few times a day with some small snacks thrown in (I mean seriously, 5 saltine crackers and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter. I never would have called that a snack in my previous life!) and it's hard not to be losing weight. Last time I tried 1000 calories a day, I couldn't keep it up for more than a month. But so far with this I feel like I could do it for as long as I need to. As long as I keep getting the results I want, I am happy to put in the effort. That's the whole reason dieting never worked for me in the past. Extreme hunger + extreme calorie restriction + extreme exercise = nothing? 5 lbs? WTF?
So this "success" thing is pretty new - in this area of life at least. Hence the extreme fear of failure. Nope, not afraid to admit it.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
First "non scale victory"
Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't have any plans until dinner, when we would be going to a Thai place and then Rita's for ice for deserts. Still being on liquids, I needed something exotic like Thai soup and water ice for my birthday.
Our Keurig brewer has been on the blink since we bought it so I went back to Bed Bath & Beyond to exchange it (and of course ended up upgrading to the next fanciest model cause it looked so cool) and since I was there I decided to stop in at Old Navy.
My grandmother had sent me a check for $50 for my birthday so on my way shopping I called her to say thanks and tell her I was going to buy a new outfit. She was so cute, and exclaimed that she hadn't sent me enough money for that but I assured her I'd be fine. I went to Old Navy and found a few things I liked, including some size 16 jeans, though I knew they wouldn't fit me yet.
So I took the jeans, an XL tank top and an XXL linen shirt with me to the dressing room, figuring that I'd be lucky if anything fit and the jeans, well, I just wanted to see how far away from 16 I am so I could fantasize about wearing them in the future.
I started with the black tank top, an XL, which just looked like it was falling off of me from the start, but I added on the purple XXL linen shirt, which fit as well as a garbage bag. This was odd, I thought, because normally Old Navy's 2X tops barely squeeze on me. I proceeded to try on the jeans. And as I was pulling them up, they felt like they were going to fit, but I knew that once they got to my waist they wouldn't button. But they did! This was certainly a shock, and my first real proof that the 23 pounds the scale says I've lost is not just a halucination. I sure can't see it when I look at myself but I know that before surgery I had to go buy some size 24 pants because my 22s were too tight. There is no way I could be imagining that (as I like to think I am when the scale goes down.) There is no explanation other than the reality of actual weight and inches lost that would let me fit into size 16 old navy jeans when 3 months ago I was busting out my 22 Lane Bryant and other fat people store stuff.
So, I kept the jeans and switched out the tank and linen shirt for 1 size smaller each. Yes, that means I am wearing an Old Navy LARGE!! I never thought I'd be out of the extra-large sizes. The tank is pretty stretchy so the L fits perfectly. The linen shirt is stiff so I downgraded to an XL. And the outfit looks... amazing. Like I have a body, not just a blob. I am wishing that I could keep everything below the belly button exactly the same and shrink only my top half for a little while because I have to tell you, my size 16 legs and ass look AMAZING! Don't believe me? Check this out:
So yes, even though at 16 I am still clearly a "plus size" I would be so happy to have a matching top half if my lower body stayed just the way it is.
My biggest fear/anxiety right now is that I'm going to continue losing weight in my legs and butt and become very skinny down there but have a huge belly that I can't get rid of no matter what. People assure me that when I've lost enough it'll start coming from there too. It's just one of those things (like believing I'm really -23 lbs) that is hard to believe until the proof hits you in the head.
So there you go, my first non-scale victory. And I'm looking forward to many more.
Our Keurig brewer has been on the blink since we bought it so I went back to Bed Bath & Beyond to exchange it (and of course ended up upgrading to the next fanciest model cause it looked so cool) and since I was there I decided to stop in at Old Navy.
My grandmother had sent me a check for $50 for my birthday so on my way shopping I called her to say thanks and tell her I was going to buy a new outfit. She was so cute, and exclaimed that she hadn't sent me enough money for that but I assured her I'd be fine. I went to Old Navy and found a few things I liked, including some size 16 jeans, though I knew they wouldn't fit me yet.
So I took the jeans, an XL tank top and an XXL linen shirt with me to the dressing room, figuring that I'd be lucky if anything fit and the jeans, well, I just wanted to see how far away from 16 I am so I could fantasize about wearing them in the future.
I started with the black tank top, an XL, which just looked like it was falling off of me from the start, but I added on the purple XXL linen shirt, which fit as well as a garbage bag. This was odd, I thought, because normally Old Navy's 2X tops barely squeeze on me. I proceeded to try on the jeans. And as I was pulling them up, they felt like they were going to fit, but I knew that once they got to my waist they wouldn't button. But they did! This was certainly a shock, and my first real proof that the 23 pounds the scale says I've lost is not just a halucination. I sure can't see it when I look at myself but I know that before surgery I had to go buy some size 24 pants because my 22s were too tight. There is no way I could be imagining that (as I like to think I am when the scale goes down.) There is no explanation other than the reality of actual weight and inches lost that would let me fit into size 16 old navy jeans when 3 months ago I was busting out my 22 Lane Bryant and other fat people store stuff.
So, I kept the jeans and switched out the tank and linen shirt for 1 size smaller each. Yes, that means I am wearing an Old Navy LARGE!! I never thought I'd be out of the extra-large sizes. The tank is pretty stretchy so the L fits perfectly. The linen shirt is stiff so I downgraded to an XL. And the outfit looks... amazing. Like I have a body, not just a blob. I am wishing that I could keep everything below the belly button exactly the same and shrink only my top half for a little while because I have to tell you, my size 16 legs and ass look AMAZING! Don't believe me? Check this out:
So yes, even though at 16 I am still clearly a "plus size" I would be so happy to have a matching top half if my lower body stayed just the way it is.
My biggest fear/anxiety right now is that I'm going to continue losing weight in my legs and butt and become very skinny down there but have a huge belly that I can't get rid of no matter what. People assure me that when I've lost enough it'll start coming from there too. It's just one of those things (like believing I'm really -23 lbs) that is hard to believe until the proof hits you in the head.
So there you go, my first non-scale victory. And I'm looking forward to many more.
Turning 26
Today is the first day of my 27th year on the planet. I have completed 26 of them and all I can keep thinking is "What a wild ride it's been!" I like to think of myself as relatively normal but I don't think that's true. Friends who have known me for any number of years are always impressed with how far from normal my life tends to be. I'm incredibly lucky and fortunate and it's hard not to be optimistic and have faith that everything will turn out OK because my life experience has proven that to be true. And I don't take that for granted because I'm sure there are folks who can't get things to turn out OK no matter how hard they try.
Sometimes I do get wrapped up in the little, unimportant things that feel so huge, but I have to remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for. There is my family and extended family who have supported me in every way during the first quarter century of my life (even if they have equally made me crazy along the way.) There are my friends, the true ones, even though few and far between, who know me, love me, and accept me in spite of my many shortcoming but who appreciate and love me for my strengths as well. There is my health, my strength, my mental capacity, my neuroses, yes I am grateful for it all.
When I take stock of what I have in this world, what I have accomplished, and what I have yet to do, I can't help but look forward to the adventure that will be the next 25 years. I look forward to writing and reflecting when I reach 50... I feel like at 26 my life is in many ways just beginning and I can't wait to see what happens!
Sometimes I do get wrapped up in the little, unimportant things that feel so huge, but I have to remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for. There is my family and extended family who have supported me in every way during the first quarter century of my life (even if they have equally made me crazy along the way.) There are my friends, the true ones, even though few and far between, who know me, love me, and accept me in spite of my many shortcoming but who appreciate and love me for my strengths as well. There is my health, my strength, my mental capacity, my neuroses, yes I am grateful for it all.
When I take stock of what I have in this world, what I have accomplished, and what I have yet to do, I can't help but look forward to the adventure that will be the next 25 years. I look forward to writing and reflecting when I reach 50... I feel like at 26 my life is in many ways just beginning and I can't wait to see what happens!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I can haz bike
Yesterday, 6 days post-op, I hopped on my bike and went for a spin around the neighborhood. It felt amazing and most of all, didn't hurt at all. I am trying to decide if today I'd rather take my dog or my bike down to the park. I'm thinking the bike, sadly, even though the dog would love it too. Maybe I'll do the bike and then come home and get the dog and take him to a different park. It's just such a gorgeous day outside and I feel completely bummed to be sitting behind the computer. And it's not like I have to be. I've been catching up on some email and paper work and paying bills and stuff like that but I'm ready to shower, dress, and get out of here!
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