Recommitting

This blog is one of the tools I attribute my success to when I first got banded. Writing in it daily or nearly daily helped me stay accountable to anyone who might be reading and helped me process all that I was going through as my weight began to drop. I look at how very far I've come and yet I see how quickly I could slide back into old patterns of thought and behavior and easily be as heavy as I was 2 years ago. But no, that's not true, because the person I am now would not allow that to happen. The months since my tummy tuck have had their highs and lows but one thing I haven't written about or shared with many people is that I encountered a band complication back in March at my 2 year Band-iversary and had to get about 1/2 the fluid taken out. What happened was that I went for an upper GI study which I like to do once a year to make sure my band is still in place and working and it turned out that my esophagus was majorly dilated and that it was refusing to push food down into my stomach. I didn't have any symptoms of this (normally you'd see reflux, inability to eat solid foods, night coughing or vomiting, etc.) The only thing that I could point to as a symptom was the feeling like I needed to burp after eating or drinking anything, even small bites. Turns out that was the spasms in my esophagus as it tried to push food down and failed. I had felt this for a while and it never bothered me, I just took it as part of the feeling of having the band. As it turns out, you shouldn't really be feeling anything with the band. So my surgeon took out a good deal of my fluid, leaving me with 3ccs. The hope was that after a couple of months my esophagus would return to normal and start functioning. To be frank, this scared the shit out of me. At only 2 years out, with 75% of my excess weight lost, and after undergoing major cosmetic surgery and looking better than I could ever remember, my whole world could be ruined or so it felt. My thoughts immediately went to the worst case scenario of having to lose my band and either get a revision surgery or nothing at all, which would inevitable lead to weight gain. The good news is that after 3 months, I got another upper GI and everything was back to normal. A month later, I went back to my surgeon to see about putting more fluid in. I weighed 192 on his scale (same as my home one) and I felt like crap. I think the last time he saw me I had been 181 on his scale. To face your bariatric surgeon with a weight gain is not a happy feeling. Luckily, Dr. A didn't panic and tried to convince me not to either. With 68% of my excess weight lost, I am still double the "average" results for Lap-Band so Dr. A said to focus on losing that 10lbs again and then maintaining and not getting into trouble with my anatomy. Sounds reasonable, right? But no, it's not enough for me. The past month I have been trying so hard to just eat a balanced variety of foods, high on the protein, using good carbs like quinoa and hemp bagels. But it doesn't seem to matter. I spent from June 3rd to July 20th exercising heavily 5-6 days a week and tracking what I ate very well. The numbers should have seen me lose weight but they didn't. And I found it hard to stay on track for even a day or two without finding some compelling reason to cheat and have a little of this or that at work where the junk food grew on trees. I found myself feeling more and more out of control and I swear I will NEVER see 200 on the scale again so when I reached 195 I kind of snapped. Sure, it wasn't "really" 195, as I can keep telling myself every time I got a little bit higher. All it would take is a few days of good eating to bounce back down to my accurate weight because my body holds onto pounds like crazy when I'm eating carbs at all really and all the more so if it's heavy in sugar and processed stuff. But even if it isn't "really" 195, it's probably "really" 192 and that doesn't make me feel any better. That's it, I kind of snapped. I pulled out the medifast food I had put away in the pantry and found I had a little more than a week's worth. I began following it on Sunday (5 days ago) and I have lost 7 lbs since then but again, it's that normal water weight of starting a drastic diet program. I am back at 187, a number I am infinitely familiar with being at and remember a month when I was stuck here in the past. It's really funny how my mind works. Now that I see the scale moving in the right direction again I feel more motivated, I feel thinner even though I'm not, and I feel like success is possible. It's funny how opposite of that I feel when I see a higher number even though nothing on the outside has changed. Speaking of nothing changing, that's the weird thing about all this. My clothes still all fit, though some pants are more snug than I remember but I would have thought that gaining more than 10 lbs would have made a big difference. I guess it explains why on the other side, I can lose 10 lbs and not see a big difference. The difference is definitely there in my mind though as I perceive myself so vastly different based on how I am doing both with following a diet plan and the results on the scale. So here's the thing... I have been living at 1200 calories a day for 5 days now. This doesn't feel like starving and using the medifast food, I am actually able to eat stuff that resembles tasty things even if it's not really. I have been eating a bit more meat protein than the plan calls for but until I stop losing weight, I don't see any harm in that. So far I've been eating 4 medifast meals and a bit more real protein instead of 5 medifast meals and just 1 serving of protein a day. So far, so good right? Well the BIGGEST issue for me is sticking with something. I have got to stick with this for a few months to be able to see the change I want. I have got to believe that the exact same way I lost 85 lbs can work for another 30. My body hasn't magically changed into a machine that refuses to lose weight. Not any more than it once was that but at 85lbs more than I am now. I used to believe that I just couldn't lose weight. And then I did. And then I hit 180 and I started to believe I couldn't again. I know that my mind is my most powerful ally or enemy in this battle and I am determined to make it work for me again. So, here I am, telling the vast internet that I have slipped up, I have regained (which I said I would never do) but I am catching myself before it turns into a problem and I am recommitting to implement the changes every single day that will lead to my success. Please, hold me to it. I have a bad habit of breaking my word to myself but I'm 5 days strong and I want to be able to continue. I wish I knew what the trigger is that makes my head snap in and out of the game so easily but whatever it is, it's happened now. I will weigh 160 by October 31. Possibly sooner. Stay tuned for updates to hear about how I'm staying on track.