The first 50 lbs

6/19/10 - I woke up this morning and found myself at 219.2 which means I'm 53.8 lbs down from where I started. I'm expecting a little bit of a rebound since I was very active this weekend and might be a tad on the dehydrated side, but fingers crossed that doesn't happen and I just keep going down.

Yesterday we went shopping (it was supposed to be mostly stuff for Steve but I ended up getting a good deal of clothes too.) Even though I don't see the difference in myself really, I am continually amazed at what clothes are fitting. I walked into American Eagle and was able to pick up a tank top and shirt in XL (women's) which seems like an impossible thing to be true. I never thought I liked American Eagle clothes but I wonder how much of my tastes in clothing have always been due to not having a choice to wear them.

6/24/10 Never finished this post, so here's the rest of it. I went to work on Monday in my new outfit. 14/16 jean leggings from Lane Bryant (I can almost not wear anything there anymore, oh happy day!) - a tank from American Eagle, and the shirt from Torrid. I think it looks great but at the same time I continue to have a mental block regarding my actual size, even when I see pictures of myself now compared with a year ago.

So here's a picture of the new outfit.



Otherwise, things are going very well. I haven't had any issues with the band really. I've felt "stuck" a couple of times but it always resolves itself within a few minutes. It hurts like hell though and I never EVER want to experience a real stuck episode. Eating in the morning is tougher now than before. I probably won't ask for another fill when I have my next appointment on July 2nd cause I'd like to ride out the bit of restriction I have currently without upping it. I have to keep reminding myself it's not a race and even though I'd like to be down under 200 by 6 months post op (9/17/10) that's only 20 lbs from now and I may very well beat that goal. And if I don't that's ok too. Or so I say now even though I'll be a little disappointed.

I realize that for people reading this who are not part of my otherwise "real life" you might think that I am completely preoccupied with this stuff. But really, there are so many other things going on that are truly wonderful that sometimes I completely forget I've got this odd little silicon implant. So here's a shout out to all the people who are there with me every day and keep me on the right track and put up with my craziness. Love you all.

50lbs, Clothes, and Cupcakes

Monday (today) is when I officially count my progress and I'm happy to say that I'm at 224, another 2 lbs down from last week and 6 lbs down from several weeks ago when I was fretting over being back up in the 30s. My resolve is strengthened through these little ups and downs and I am actually starting to really, truly believe that if I just keep following the rules then I'll get there. This means that 1 lb from now (so maybe by Friday of this week) I will have lost 50lbs from my official starting weight. That is something I never thought I'd be able to say in my life. It's amazing, and if it stopped here, I'd be happy. But I don't want it to either.

The past week I've really busted my ass, sticking with the high protein/low carb thing, and exercising O!M!G! exercising. I killed it at rock climbing last week. Did a 5.3 and a 5.4 route for the first time ever. When I started climbing in December of last year I could only blaze my own trail instead of following the routes and sure, it's not that big of a deal that I can now sort of do some of the easier ones (some of - not all by any means.) But Damn! It's an improvement. And it is easier now than it used to be.

Then yesterday, I came THIS close to running a 10 minute mile, which wasn't even really an ambition of mine till I was on the treadmill - at which point I thought, "Hmmm, wouldn't that be cool if I could run this mile in 10 minutes?" I ended up at about 10:30 but that still beats the pants of my fastest previous time of 11:50! I'm getting excited about doing the 5K for the AIDS Walk/Run in October. At this rate, I might actually do the 5K in under 40 minutes which would be amazing. But just finishing it at all would be really thrilling too.

I've been selling some clothes of mine on ebay since they a) don't fit anymore or b) are just not my style and it's time to get rid of them. Here are 2 things no one in my life currently has ever seen me wear or ever will again, but I took pictures of them on cause it sells better that way than just lying flat on a table. And it's weird, I actually think they look good. Who would have thought? Not me, certainly. And I think I can say they look good because my head is not in the picture so it's not really me. *I* don't look good in dresses or pink things but this body does.






So today was a special thing at work (actually this whole week is) and they kicked it off with these killer cupcakes. I decided to have half of one since it's not something they do often. It was good, not the best I've ever had, but pretty good. And I was successful in eating half and throwing the rest away. I feel slightly bad about doing that but I keep telling myself I CANNOT live the rest of my life without eating a piece of cupcake. I can't even live the rest of the next year without that. I eat my dark chocolate every night because it's something I can have a small piece of and it's not high in sugar (70 percentage or higher cocoa, very little sugar actually) so I just won't have that today and we'll call it even.

Lastly, here is a picture I took last week in a new shirt, a men's medium. I love the shirt (in a purely ironic way, not cause I'm a Jesus Freak.) I think I can see the difference in myself particularly well in this picture. Less bulges than I'm used to seeing.




That's all for now, I guess. I'll definitely make a big post when I hit 50lbs for real.

Down and Up

My scale is making me angry but I'm trying not to focus on that. My joy at being in the 220s was short lived but I am hoping that the small amount of fluid I got added to my band today will make all the difference and bounce me down nearly into the teens within a couple of weeks.

I went out of town over Memorial Day weekend and I didn't go crazy with food but I abandoned the low carb thing I've been doing in favor of just enjoying myself. I really expected to have put on a few pounds but when I came back I was still 229 and then the next day (official weigh day) 228 so I figured all was good. Got back on my high protein diet starting Tuesday and somehow managed to inch back up to 230 between then and now! I keep reminding myself that these things happen and it's par for the course. AND my clothes are fitting great, my exercise is going well, and I'm starting to feel bones in my shoulders I never knew existed. So I'm truly not concerned about the slight gain. But a small part of me does feel like it sucks to be out of the 20s. Nothing a couple of days of liquid can't fix though!

I got some fluid added this morning, my 2nd fill, so I'm back on liquids for 2 days then purees for 2 more and it's nearly impossible to do low carb on liquids cause all I can really have is soup and protein shakes, with minimal carbs. For some variety I can do sugar free pudding, yogurt, cream of wheat, and other things that are in no way low carb. I think I'll enjoy the ability to branch out while I have it for a few days and go back to my solid protein and vegetable rules once I'm on solids.

In the meantime, my doctor thinks I'm doing fantastic, even if their scale only registered me losing 8 lbs in the past month (with clothes on the numbers don't quite add up the way they do on my own scale.) According to them I'm 232 and my surgeon told me this morning I've lost 34% of my "excess weight" which for 3 months post-op is incredible! He told me my loss so far is average for people 1 year out! I cannot believe that but he said it's true. That prompted me to do a bit of happy/congratulatory/self esteem building writing on OH where I frequently read and post.

Here's what I wrote:

I just got to work after my appointment this morning in which I got my 2nd fill. I asked for and got 1/2 cc which means I've still only got 3.5 in me total. My doctor didn't oppose me asking for a slight fill at all, though he always seems to laugh at me when I say I "could be doing better" and told me today that the percentage of my weight that I've lost 3 months post-op is what is average at 1 year.

I find this really hard to believe! I see a lot of people on the forums here who have lost 100+ lbs in a year, not 40-something. Though there are those people too - but they seem to think there is something wrong with them.

Are our expectations for ourselves and this surgery just simply too high? Did anyone tell you before you had it that at a year out you are expected on average to have lost 33% of your excess weight? I guess I read the statistics but I just figured they didn't apply to me because I've always been an anomaly in other areas of my life. I'm not complaining, seriously, don't take it that way. I am so happy to be succeeding and I'm glad that when I go into my doctor he tells me how successful I am (such a change from my previous life where doctors could only scold me for "not taking better care" of myself.)

But how much of this stressing over our surgeries is self imposed? I think even though we all kind of know that the band is not RNY we still compare ourselves to people who've had other types of WLS. Instead, we should compare ourselves to people on weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem. I think my banded life has a lot more in common with a plain old dieter than other WLS patients, a lot of the time.

That's not to say that I don't love having the band or that it doesn't make it a hell of a lot easier to actually lose some weight. It absolutely does and I know I couldn't have done any of this without the help of the band. But we need to stop complaining about "only" losing 20lbs or "only" losing 1 lb a week or whatever it might be. Myself included. Look at what people on diets are losing and I guarantee it's much less and much slower (or quick and gained back just as quickly.)

I hope that everyone out there is feeling great about their own progress today, no matter how large or small it may be compared to other people's. I still cannot imagine myself actually ever getting to 100 lbs lost (though 50 is becoming more feasible) but I have to believe that if I keep doing what I'm doing that it will keep working.

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I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from people, thanking me for posting, and I'm glad it has helped others remember to feel good about their success. I know I sure do! Despite the fact that I really do want to keep going and get down further, I know that if this is all I could do, I'm still in so much better of a place than I was 4 months ago before I started this process. But there's no way I'm finished yet!

Victories on and off the scale

Today is 10 weeks post-op and I am...(drumroll please)...

228.4!!

I cannot remember last time I was in the 220s, I think I might have been 14 and I certainly never thought I'd be here again. I also was withholding judgment on whether the lap-band was working/would work for me until I got into the 220s because the lowest I ever remember being from dieting on my own was just above 230. My stubborn body just refused to lose anything further and by the time I got there I was so disheartened by the difficulty of those 20-30 lbs I'd lost that I couldn't stand to keep going. So making it beyond 230 is a huge milestone for me and not one I thought I would see so quickly. What's even more exciting and encouraging is that it hasn't been that hard. I know, that sounds crazy, I mean I did a liquid diet for 4 weeks, underwent major surgery, have been exercising my ass off, and being really careful about what I'm eating and when and how. So easy? Am I nuts? No... I think what's made it "easy" in my mind is the one thing that's different about everything I've tried in the past, which is "it works!" I read somewhere that when you get a lapband everything you've heard about dieting becomes true. And it really does. I do what I'm supposed to and I lose weight. A novel concept!

So there's the scale victory and now for the non-scale.

Last night I went to the gym at night which I don't normally do, so that meant I had unlimited time (as opposed to my 30 minute maximum before rushing off to work.) I took my time stretching out and then decided to just go for it and jog 5K, cause I knew I could. Now, I may have technically jogged this far (3.1 miles) when I was 18. I did a lot of jogging then. But that was 8 years ago so it doesn't even count. For all practical purposes, this was the first time I've ever jogged 5K. My first mile was about 11 minutes and I didn't know if I could do 2 more but I slowed down a little and alternated between 4mph and as fast as 6.7mph. I netted out at 3.1 miles/5k in 41:50. That's not a good time by anyone else's standards but for me it was wonderful. I felt great when I was done and I spent a long time stretching out and cooling down. Now, I'd be lying if I said I am looking forward to taking up running as a hobby or wanting to run more and more and faster and faster but it's such a good feeling to know that I can jog for over 40 minutes and a) not fall over b) not pass out c) feel like I could have done a little bit more even.

Picture of the weekend

Went riding yesterday and Steve took this great picture, among many others. I will hopefully have some video to post soon too. I love my horse so much, it just makes the whole weekend go well.

Revelation for a new bandster: It's not Thanksgiving

This thought has been brewing for a few weeks or maybe longer. I finally decided to put it down in writing. It comes from something I heard someone say earlier on, maybe right after my surgery. She said when we're seeking that full feeling it's like we're expecting Thanksgiving or something. And having lap band is NOT thanksgiving. It's been a really slow process and certainly 8 weeks out from surgery I am not "there" yet but I try to keep this mantra in mind when I might tend to overeat.

Repeat after me: It's not Thanksgiving, It's not Thanksgiving, It's not Thanksgiving...

What does this mean?

My entire life I have been chasing this feeling of fullness, which to me translates into "I cannot possibly eat one more bite." which in turn makes "yeah, I could probably eat one more bite" feel like hunger - which it's certainly not!

My overeating has been primarily due to my love of yummy food and my constant "hunger" which I now know may not have been as constant as I thought. There is a difference between being full and "not hungry" but I never knew that. No one ever told me and certainly no one ever taught me by example. As a kid I was always being told to eat less, which of course only made me inclined to sneak food and eat more as an act of rebellion and as a way to assert my own control over my body. Now I see that the psychology of it all is not healthy. It doesn't nourish my body better and it certainly never kept me from being "hungry."

If you have a hunger for anything (food or any activity or substance) that cannot be satisfied no matter how much of it you get, then I would venture to say that the food (or other issue) is not really what it's about.

If my body had really been hungry all those years then eating would have made some sort of difference. Yet I was the type of person who could never really be full no matter how much I'd eaten. So it's taken 26 years and a major surgery to realize that I never was really hungry after all. I mean sure, sometimes I had to have been, but the majority of the time I wasn't hungry. I wasn't "full" either but you're not supposed to be. You're not supposed to walk around like you've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner after every meal.

I guess I just figured everyone else except me did.

A long-overdue update

Wednesday May 12th. 8 weeks ago today I was in the hospital getting this little implant of mine. I still haven't named him/her, maybe I won't. Maybe I haven't because the little thing hasn't given me issue yet so most of the time I forget it's there.

Let's do the numbers, first of all (this always makes me feel good!)
First surgical consult 1/22/10: 273
Day of Surgery 3/17/10: 260
8 Weeks post op: 234


I will be so ecstatic when I am out of the 230s, but hell, I'm pretty ecstatic now! I had my first fill almost 2 weeks ago and things have been going well since then. Well, actually, things have mostly been going well since I re-focused myself last Saturday and started eating low carb more intentionally. Up till now I'd been following the traditional wisdom of low calorie/low fat but was finding that I tended to eat things that weren't helping me work with my band. Crackers and breads, even if I only ate a limited number of calories of them, go right through my band at its current fill level and don't help to fill me up at all. Then I would be left limiting myself to certain amounts of meats because I didn't want to go over calorie budget for the day.

Well, I picked up my copy of The South Beach Diet and started reading it and I picked up my audio recordings of The Gabriel Method and started listening, and I got a major attitude adjustment. Said goodbye to cereal, crackers, bread, pasta, rice, and have been enjoying all the fresh vegetables and meats and cheeses and nuts and beans that I want - which (surprise, surprise) doesn't allow me to eat all that much and I'm probably eating less calories than I was anyway. But I'm not counting! Who cares? I'm losing weight and I'm not hungry and it's easy and it's working.

All the obsessing over calories and counting and measuring my portions was doing nothing if I didn't stay around 1200 a day. Well, nothing except stressing me out. At the moment, I feel freer than I have in months and in 4 days, the scale has gone down 2lbs. And yes, I'm drinking tons of water, exercising a bit every day, but it's so much easier and more pleasant to do when I'm not hungry.

Finally, I'm letting the band do its job and I couldn't be happier with it. I also have remembered the power of positive thinking and visualization exercises. Last week, I was telling myself things like "I'm one of those people who can only lose weight if I'm eating extremely low calories" and "It doesn't matter how many salads I eat, I'll never be able to shop at ___ store." This week I am keeping thoughts like "My body wants to be thin" and "It is safe to be thin" and "My body loses weight effortlessly" in mind and I can't say enough good things about the power of positive thoughts.

So, here I am... I need to take and post some more before/during pictures. People at work definitely make comments about being able to see it. I do once in a while but not entirely. I know clothes are fitting that never would have before though, so that's encouraging. And I'm turning into a shop-a-holic. Not really, but it is hard to resist one or 2 new items a week as I realize new things fit.