Because it's so freaking hard...

...And I've still got so much to go

That's the quote of the week. Well, it was 2 weeks ago when the line appeared on my new favorite (as long as Glee is on hiatus) show HUGE. I was almost embarrassed to admit I like it but then I found out FATSHIONISTA does recaps of it weekly and I feel a lot better now. And their recaps are great, truly. If you're not going to watch the show, just start at the beginning and read the recaps.

So, these two kids, Ian and Alistair are talking about the whole weight loss thing and Alistair says that he lost a little (they are at fat camp after all) and the counselor told him he was doing "great" but he still felt so sad and didn't know why. Man, kid, do I hear you. 67 lbs that I never imagined I'd lose in my wildest dreams and most of the time I can only feel sad that it's not happening more quickly or in the right places, or hell, just finished already. So I was watching this episode while jogging on the treadmill and if I hadn't been running my little heart out, I might have taken more time to really feel the emotion of the scene. But I felt it enough that I had to come home and write about it.

The episode was the week of the official camp weigh in and while some of the campers made a big deal over how much they lost or didn't, some of the kids actually tore up their sheets of paper without looking at them, making a statement that they weren't going to let that number determine how they felt. I wish I had the balls to do that sometimes but now that I've started down the path of caring it feels like a slippery slope that I'm unable to pull myself out of despite sometimes really wanting to.

Sometimes I remember how content I used to be with my body. Sure I was fat but that didn't always define me. I focused on so many other things that were great about myself and accepted the body as one area that wasn't perfect. Now, it seems as though all I do is criticize my body. And it doesn't deserve this. This body has been damn good to me in fact...I thought to myself while jogging tonight. It's rarely ever just crapped out on me or refused to do something. It's not the most flexible or the strongest or whatever, but it functions fine. I jogged 3.25 miles tonight (in 42 minutes) and I was thinking how compared to other people who weigh 206lbs, my body is pretty impressive. Sometimes when I'm exercising I forget that I'm fat and I just feel what it's like to truly be alive in my body. No wonder I'm quickly becoming addicted to the gym.

I love watching HUGE when I work out, not because the topic of fat camp inspires me to work harder. No...it's the emotion and realness behind the writing and acting of this show that remind me it's not all about where I'm going or where I've been. It's mostly about where I am now. It reminds me that the prettiest, "thinnest", girl at camp who only loses 1 lb when the fatter kids lose 8 still feels just as bad about herself as she would if she weighed twice as much. It reminds me that we are our harshest critics and that stopping to listen to other people is important.

All the people at my office who call me skinny now or tell me how great I look...why don't I believe them? Why do I still see myself as a warped blob-ish figure where I used to see a beautiful curvy woman? Where did my body acceptance and love go? What can I do to get it back? I am so tired of criticizing my body. I want to practice complimenting it and loving it - really loving it - not just loving it if I can squeeze into a smaller size this week. And thanking it for all that it allows me to do. I think that if I start doing these things, my attitude will adjust. I just miss...well I miss a lot of things about pre-banded life. But I have gained SO much, I know this, I'm not regretting it. I just need to figure out how to wrap my head around the new and evolving "me" and love this me as much as I used to. Because I should love this new me more, if anything.

And can I just say (of course I can, it's my blog) that sometimes the idea of staying at 206 is very appealing. Why keep going? Do I really want to? I can easily maintain this weight indefinitely. I feel great, I am in great shape, I can do everything I want, I can fit into any clothes I want (seriously, 14s at normal stores and medium shirts!) And I think the "problem" just dawned on me. I went into this surgery not really believing I'd get to where I am today, not 100%. I mostly wanted to improve my health, be able to be more active, not restricted in the things I can do. Rock climbing for example, or horseback riding. Now, down 67 lbs, my body feels great. I like the size I am. I'm curvy and muscular with a good bit of padding still. I wish my face weren't so chubby but I've started noticing other, thinner women, with chubby faces so it's not that bad really. And let's face it. Having lost 24% of my total body weight, I have achieved the health advantages that are to be sought in such a procedure. So now that I really have gotten what I set out wanting - if I keep going, does that mean I'm pursuing thinness because of cultural standards? Am I chasing some socially constructed ideal of beauty, health, femininity? Why do I want to keep losing weight - a LOT of it in fact? Why do I want to lose 50 more lbs when already without doing so I am healthy, fit, eating better than I ever have, and fitting into clothes I never thought I would. I don't know. And what if I don't want to lose any more? I mean, I do! But would it be wrong if I didn't? I think this needs more pondering. I don't want to lose 50 more lbs to hit a number I'm "supposed" to be. But I still want it. Maybe I just want to be able to say I did. And is there anything wrong with that either?

Down and Up

My scale is making me angry but I'm trying not to focus on that. My joy at being in the 220s was short lived but I am hoping that the small amount of fluid I got added to my band today will make all the difference and bounce me down nearly into the teens within a couple of weeks.

I went out of town over Memorial Day weekend and I didn't go crazy with food but I abandoned the low carb thing I've been doing in favor of just enjoying myself. I really expected to have put on a few pounds but when I came back I was still 229 and then the next day (official weigh day) 228 so I figured all was good. Got back on my high protein diet starting Tuesday and somehow managed to inch back up to 230 between then and now! I keep reminding myself that these things happen and it's par for the course. AND my clothes are fitting great, my exercise is going well, and I'm starting to feel bones in my shoulders I never knew existed. So I'm truly not concerned about the slight gain. But a small part of me does feel like it sucks to be out of the 20s. Nothing a couple of days of liquid can't fix though!

I got some fluid added this morning, my 2nd fill, so I'm back on liquids for 2 days then purees for 2 more and it's nearly impossible to do low carb on liquids cause all I can really have is soup and protein shakes, with minimal carbs. For some variety I can do sugar free pudding, yogurt, cream of wheat, and other things that are in no way low carb. I think I'll enjoy the ability to branch out while I have it for a few days and go back to my solid protein and vegetable rules once I'm on solids.

In the meantime, my doctor thinks I'm doing fantastic, even if their scale only registered me losing 8 lbs in the past month (with clothes on the numbers don't quite add up the way they do on my own scale.) According to them I'm 232 and my surgeon told me this morning I've lost 34% of my "excess weight" which for 3 months post-op is incredible! He told me my loss so far is average for people 1 year out! I cannot believe that but he said it's true. That prompted me to do a bit of happy/congratulatory/self esteem building writing on OH where I frequently read and post.

Here's what I wrote:

I just got to work after my appointment this morning in which I got my 2nd fill. I asked for and got 1/2 cc which means I've still only got 3.5 in me total. My doctor didn't oppose me asking for a slight fill at all, though he always seems to laugh at me when I say I "could be doing better" and told me today that the percentage of my weight that I've lost 3 months post-op is what is average at 1 year.

I find this really hard to believe! I see a lot of people on the forums here who have lost 100+ lbs in a year, not 40-something. Though there are those people too - but they seem to think there is something wrong with them.

Are our expectations for ourselves and this surgery just simply too high? Did anyone tell you before you had it that at a year out you are expected on average to have lost 33% of your excess weight? I guess I read the statistics but I just figured they didn't apply to me because I've always been an anomaly in other areas of my life. I'm not complaining, seriously, don't take it that way. I am so happy to be succeeding and I'm glad that when I go into my doctor he tells me how successful I am (such a change from my previous life where doctors could only scold me for "not taking better care" of myself.)

But how much of this stressing over our surgeries is self imposed? I think even though we all kind of know that the band is not RNY we still compare ourselves to people who've had other types of WLS. Instead, we should compare ourselves to people on weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem. I think my banded life has a lot more in common with a plain old dieter than other WLS patients, a lot of the time.

That's not to say that I don't love having the band or that it doesn't make it a hell of a lot easier to actually lose some weight. It absolutely does and I know I couldn't have done any of this without the help of the band. But we need to stop complaining about "only" losing 20lbs or "only" losing 1 lb a week or whatever it might be. Myself included. Look at what people on diets are losing and I guarantee it's much less and much slower (or quick and gained back just as quickly.)

I hope that everyone out there is feeling great about their own progress today, no matter how large or small it may be compared to other people's. I still cannot imagine myself actually ever getting to 100 lbs lost (though 50 is becoming more feasible) but I have to believe that if I keep doing what I'm doing that it will keep working.

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I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from people, thanking me for posting, and I'm glad it has helped others remember to feel good about their success. I know I sure do! Despite the fact that I really do want to keep going and get down further, I know that if this is all I could do, I'm still in so much better of a place than I was 4 months ago before I started this process. But there's no way I'm finished yet!

Victories on and off the scale

Today is 10 weeks post-op and I am...(drumroll please)...

228.4!!

I cannot remember last time I was in the 220s, I think I might have been 14 and I certainly never thought I'd be here again. I also was withholding judgment on whether the lap-band was working/would work for me until I got into the 220s because the lowest I ever remember being from dieting on my own was just above 230. My stubborn body just refused to lose anything further and by the time I got there I was so disheartened by the difficulty of those 20-30 lbs I'd lost that I couldn't stand to keep going. So making it beyond 230 is a huge milestone for me and not one I thought I would see so quickly. What's even more exciting and encouraging is that it hasn't been that hard. I know, that sounds crazy, I mean I did a liquid diet for 4 weeks, underwent major surgery, have been exercising my ass off, and being really careful about what I'm eating and when and how. So easy? Am I nuts? No... I think what's made it "easy" in my mind is the one thing that's different about everything I've tried in the past, which is "it works!" I read somewhere that when you get a lapband everything you've heard about dieting becomes true. And it really does. I do what I'm supposed to and I lose weight. A novel concept!

So there's the scale victory and now for the non-scale.

Last night I went to the gym at night which I don't normally do, so that meant I had unlimited time (as opposed to my 30 minute maximum before rushing off to work.) I took my time stretching out and then decided to just go for it and jog 5K, cause I knew I could. Now, I may have technically jogged this far (3.1 miles) when I was 18. I did a lot of jogging then. But that was 8 years ago so it doesn't even count. For all practical purposes, this was the first time I've ever jogged 5K. My first mile was about 11 minutes and I didn't know if I could do 2 more but I slowed down a little and alternated between 4mph and as fast as 6.7mph. I netted out at 3.1 miles/5k in 41:50. That's not a good time by anyone else's standards but for me it was wonderful. I felt great when I was done and I spent a long time stretching out and cooling down. Now, I'd be lying if I said I am looking forward to taking up running as a hobby or wanting to run more and more and faster and faster but it's such a good feeling to know that I can jog for over 40 minutes and a) not fall over b) not pass out c) feel like I could have done a little bit more even.

Well, that was a surprise!

I'm in the 230s for the first time since 2002!! (I think...)

I'm totally baffled cause this has never happened to me before and I tend to think my scale is broken (whether in my favor or against it) but if this is true then wow...

Here's what happened:

Last Monday morning I weighed 242, Friday when I got to my surgeon's for my first fill (more on this later if I have the energy to write) I weighed 241.9 with clothes, so maybe 240 or 239 in reality (our scales tend to sync up so not accounting for any difference there.) I got my first fill and have been on liquids Friday, Sat, and today (today out of convenience not cause I can't move on to softs yet.)

I spent all day today at the barn from 9:30-5:30, doing chores and riding my horse and the only thing I ate was my 20 oz protein shake for breakfast and some vienna sausages (yeah, I know, gross but they sounded good at the time.) I drank a ton of water, 2.5 liters at least, cause it's hot out and I didn't want to get dehydrated.

So I was going to wait till Monday morning for my official weekly weigh in but curiosity got the better of me and I stepped on: 232.8. WTF?? I even got on and off a couple of times and got the same result so I don't think it's my scale being screwy.

I'm thrilled, I suppose, though I know I will weigh more tomorrow morning when I do my official weekly weight because I'm probably on the empty side when it comes to water/food even though I drank a ton today.

But even if I really am a couple of pounds heavier, that's still like 6lbs in a week. I'm glad, if this is for real, cause I have been hovering at 240-242 for about 3 weeks but didn't expect some huge drop like this.

Maybe this is just the way my body does it. Stay the same for a few weeks then make it all up at once. I'm curious if other people have experienced the same thing. it's kind of frustrating because you do spend a long time at the same place but then wow, what a high to get such a huge drop all at once. I almost prefer it this way!

Lies, lies, lies!

I have a really dysfunctional relationship with my scale. Not afraid to admit it. I've told Steve to lock it up and hide it but then I really needed it and he caved ;) Lol. I'm like a junkie.

The good thing for now is that every time I get on it it's either the same or lower. But that's also part of the problem. I don't trust the damn thing further than I could throw it. Ok, yes, it's not that heavy so I could throw it pretty far, but you know what I mean.

Today, for example, got on first thing in the morning and I was down about a pound from yesterday morning. Then I realized Steve had moved it when opening a window last night so sometimes the first reading isn't accurate and it needs to "reset." So I got back on - literally 30 seconds later - and I was 2 lbs less than yesterday. I hate it when this happens. So figuring I'd do best 2 out of 3 (i.e. see if I could get the same reading twice) I got on again and it was 3 lbs less than yesterday!

It's been about an hour so I tried again to see if I could get a match and luckily (for my sanity) it came up at the middle number. So that's what I'll go with for today. But I can't help feeling like the stupid thing is always lying to me. And of course, inherent in that is that I haven't really lost the 30lbs it says I have. Good thing I go to see my new shrink today. 3rd appointment...we've passed through my history and will be on to my craziness today for sure!