Down and Up

My scale is making me angry but I'm trying not to focus on that. My joy at being in the 220s was short lived but I am hoping that the small amount of fluid I got added to my band today will make all the difference and bounce me down nearly into the teens within a couple of weeks.

I went out of town over Memorial Day weekend and I didn't go crazy with food but I abandoned the low carb thing I've been doing in favor of just enjoying myself. I really expected to have put on a few pounds but when I came back I was still 229 and then the next day (official weigh day) 228 so I figured all was good. Got back on my high protein diet starting Tuesday and somehow managed to inch back up to 230 between then and now! I keep reminding myself that these things happen and it's par for the course. AND my clothes are fitting great, my exercise is going well, and I'm starting to feel bones in my shoulders I never knew existed. So I'm truly not concerned about the slight gain. But a small part of me does feel like it sucks to be out of the 20s. Nothing a couple of days of liquid can't fix though!

I got some fluid added this morning, my 2nd fill, so I'm back on liquids for 2 days then purees for 2 more and it's nearly impossible to do low carb on liquids cause all I can really have is soup and protein shakes, with minimal carbs. For some variety I can do sugar free pudding, yogurt, cream of wheat, and other things that are in no way low carb. I think I'll enjoy the ability to branch out while I have it for a few days and go back to my solid protein and vegetable rules once I'm on solids.

In the meantime, my doctor thinks I'm doing fantastic, even if their scale only registered me losing 8 lbs in the past month (with clothes on the numbers don't quite add up the way they do on my own scale.) According to them I'm 232 and my surgeon told me this morning I've lost 34% of my "excess weight" which for 3 months post-op is incredible! He told me my loss so far is average for people 1 year out! I cannot believe that but he said it's true. That prompted me to do a bit of happy/congratulatory/self esteem building writing on OH where I frequently read and post.

Here's what I wrote:

I just got to work after my appointment this morning in which I got my 2nd fill. I asked for and got 1/2 cc which means I've still only got 3.5 in me total. My doctor didn't oppose me asking for a slight fill at all, though he always seems to laugh at me when I say I "could be doing better" and told me today that the percentage of my weight that I've lost 3 months post-op is what is average at 1 year.

I find this really hard to believe! I see a lot of people on the forums here who have lost 100+ lbs in a year, not 40-something. Though there are those people too - but they seem to think there is something wrong with them.

Are our expectations for ourselves and this surgery just simply too high? Did anyone tell you before you had it that at a year out you are expected on average to have lost 33% of your excess weight? I guess I read the statistics but I just figured they didn't apply to me because I've always been an anomaly in other areas of my life. I'm not complaining, seriously, don't take it that way. I am so happy to be succeeding and I'm glad that when I go into my doctor he tells me how successful I am (such a change from my previous life where doctors could only scold me for "not taking better care" of myself.)

But how much of this stressing over our surgeries is self imposed? I think even though we all kind of know that the band is not RNY we still compare ourselves to people who've had other types of WLS. Instead, we should compare ourselves to people on weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem. I think my banded life has a lot more in common with a plain old dieter than other WLS patients, a lot of the time.

That's not to say that I don't love having the band or that it doesn't make it a hell of a lot easier to actually lose some weight. It absolutely does and I know I couldn't have done any of this without the help of the band. But we need to stop complaining about "only" losing 20lbs or "only" losing 1 lb a week or whatever it might be. Myself included. Look at what people on diets are losing and I guarantee it's much less and much slower (or quick and gained back just as quickly.)

I hope that everyone out there is feeling great about their own progress today, no matter how large or small it may be compared to other people's. I still cannot imagine myself actually ever getting to 100 lbs lost (though 50 is becoming more feasible) but I have to believe that if I keep doing what I'm doing that it will keep working.

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I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from people, thanking me for posting, and I'm glad it has helped others remember to feel good about their success. I know I sure do! Despite the fact that I really do want to keep going and get down further, I know that if this is all I could do, I'm still in so much better of a place than I was 4 months ago before I started this process. But there's no way I'm finished yet!

Victories on and off the scale

Today is 10 weeks post-op and I am...(drumroll please)...

228.4!!

I cannot remember last time I was in the 220s, I think I might have been 14 and I certainly never thought I'd be here again. I also was withholding judgment on whether the lap-band was working/would work for me until I got into the 220s because the lowest I ever remember being from dieting on my own was just above 230. My stubborn body just refused to lose anything further and by the time I got there I was so disheartened by the difficulty of those 20-30 lbs I'd lost that I couldn't stand to keep going. So making it beyond 230 is a huge milestone for me and not one I thought I would see so quickly. What's even more exciting and encouraging is that it hasn't been that hard. I know, that sounds crazy, I mean I did a liquid diet for 4 weeks, underwent major surgery, have been exercising my ass off, and being really careful about what I'm eating and when and how. So easy? Am I nuts? No... I think what's made it "easy" in my mind is the one thing that's different about everything I've tried in the past, which is "it works!" I read somewhere that when you get a lapband everything you've heard about dieting becomes true. And it really does. I do what I'm supposed to and I lose weight. A novel concept!

So there's the scale victory and now for the non-scale.

Last night I went to the gym at night which I don't normally do, so that meant I had unlimited time (as opposed to my 30 minute maximum before rushing off to work.) I took my time stretching out and then decided to just go for it and jog 5K, cause I knew I could. Now, I may have technically jogged this far (3.1 miles) when I was 18. I did a lot of jogging then. But that was 8 years ago so it doesn't even count. For all practical purposes, this was the first time I've ever jogged 5K. My first mile was about 11 minutes and I didn't know if I could do 2 more but I slowed down a little and alternated between 4mph and as fast as 6.7mph. I netted out at 3.1 miles/5k in 41:50. That's not a good time by anyone else's standards but for me it was wonderful. I felt great when I was done and I spent a long time stretching out and cooling down. Now, I'd be lying if I said I am looking forward to taking up running as a hobby or wanting to run more and more and faster and faster but it's such a good feeling to know that I can jog for over 40 minutes and a) not fall over b) not pass out c) feel like I could have done a little bit more even.

The first fill

This happened on 4/30 but I've just been too busy with work and extra-curricular activities to write since then.

Let's see if I remember anything about it since it was a whole 2 weeks ago!

I arrived at my surgeon's office at 8am, not really knowing what to expect and a little nervous but not terribly. Mostly, I just REALLY wanted a fill because my weight loss had stalled for the previous 2 weeks. They weighed me and I had lost 7 lbs in the prior month since seeing them but I explained all of that had been in the first 2 weeks after I saw them and I'd been lucky to just stay at 242 since then. And when I say lucky, I mean working my ass off to count calories and exercise as much as possible just to not gain weight, all the while feeling like I could eat anything I could want just like I could before my band. I HATE living that way, especially the feeling of dieting just to maintain a weight.

The fill itself was really nothing eventful. I don't even think he numbed the area beforehand which some doctor's do but I don't see why. Maybe he did and I just wasn't looking. I felt one prick and the needle was in, adding fluid to my band, and he was asking me to drink some water. I sipped slowly but started burping immediately and felt a growing pressure in my back, neck, ears, and head. It was a very odd feeling that I hadn't felt before but I thought maybe this was normal and would be what drinking water felt like for evermore. He had put in 3.5cc, not a lot for a band that holds 10cc but a good starting amount I think. I could have asked for some to be taken out while the needle was still attached but I didn't realize I needed it.

Because we weren't 100% sure it was right, he told me to go out to the waiting room and keep drinking the water. I did but as I sat there I became more and more uncomfortable. I could barely take the smallest of sips before feeling painful pressure in my back and neck, ears and head. I really would have expected to feel something in my chest or stomach but I guess everyone is different and now I know what being too tight feels like. Because it was Friday, the receptionist said I'd better let him take some out just in case, so I wouldn't be sick all weekend. The second needle stick was more unpleasant than the first (note to self, let him take fluid out while it's still attached next time!) but overall nothing terrible.

He took out .5 ccs, leaving me with 3. This seemed to be perfect. I remained on liquids all Friday and Saturday and returned to soft foods Sunday and Monday. Monday evening I had my first solid food (salad and a piece of pizza - I know, not the best but I only had 1 piece AND I hadn't eaten real food for 4 days so I knew I was not in danger of overstepping my calories.)

After my fill, I dropped about 10lbs but rebounded back to a net loss of about 5, which is still great. As of this morning (yes, I'm back to weighing more than once a week even though I swore I wouldn't) I am at 234, which is incredible considering today is my 8 week band-iversary. I was approximately 260 on the day of surgery so I'm still averaging 3.25 lbs a week.

At the moment I couldn't be happier with how things are going. I love my band and I love that it's given me the motivation to become healthier. And I don't just mean losing weight - I've just been eating so much better since I started this whole process, and it feels great.