Um...is this what they were talking about?

Major update time, folks. Sorry for not posting lately (I say as if anyone is sitting around with baited breathe, anxiously awaiting my next entry!) Life has been really busy, and good. Great really.

In the band realm, the past month has been hard because since my appointment on July 2nd at which I told Dr. A that I thought I was good without a fill, I've been regretting that and feeling like more than anything I did need one. I wasn't supposed to go back till 8/13 but I called in mid-July and got bumped up to 8/5. He put in a whole CC which means I have either 4.5 or 5 depending on whose math is correct. I believe I only have 4.5 cause he took out .5 of the initial 3.5 he gave me back in May. But he told me I have 5 now so I'll go with that. 5 is definitely around the point where I should be feeling it (my band only holds 10ccs so from here onward it's more full than empty.) And man, am I feeling it!

I have only ever felt this tight immediately after surgery and never even close to this after my first 2 fills. Well, 3rd one's a charm - I can only hope. But what a sudden change! For the past month I've been able to eat whatever and however much of it I could want. Not that I have been, but I know I could. I have not been satisfied on solid protein and vegetables the way I had been previously and I started experimenting with pizza, pasta, and bread again in my last week before the fill. I didn't gain any weight, in fact my own scale had me at 211.6 the morning of my appointment, but that was due to my own diligence in limiting myself even while I felt I could, in theory, have eaten my way back to 273 most days. Then there were the few, very few, odd days where the extreme heat and humidity did something weird and took away my desire and ability to eat. Those days I drank protein shakes and enjoyed the wonderful new feeling of not being hungry. But most days I felt as though my band had fallen off, disappeared, or just vaporized. Maybe it was absorbed into my body or something? Ohhhhh no it didn't! It's still there. Took another CC of fluid to prove it but it's definitely live and kicking.

I got the adjustment on Thursday at 4pm. My doctor is always impressed with my loss but this month I was being down on myself cause I only registered has having lost 5.5 lbs. The first thing that happened sort of lightened the mood a bit. Dr. A walked into the room holding the printout from the computer with all my numbers and said "I think they messed these up." I immediately figured he was referring to my small loss of 5 lbs this month and said, "No, I just had a hard month." He shook his head no and said something wasn't right and they (the nurses who take weight and enter it into the computer) had done something wrong. Turns out they had. They'd entered me at 288 somehow instead of my actual reading. So, about 75lbs more than I actually am, if my math is correct (it's probably not.) Anyway, that was funny and got me a bit more relaxed. I told him I thought he was making fun of me for not losing more this month and he said something along the lines of "I tell you every time, you're at where we expect people 3 years out" which I don't believe but ok. And then he said he wished 50% of his patients were as successful as me and that made me feel very good.

So, on to what happened next, I got another CC bringing me to 5 by his count. I drank the glass of water slowly with no trouble. I left. Come to find out that anything more than water is a different story. For the past 2 days I have been walking around perpetually drifting between extremely hungry and 2 sips later - OMG gonna puke. I got STUCK on a couple of bites of liquidy instant oatmeal and after a few minutes had to hack it up cause it was just too painful to keep trying to keep it down. I have never experienced tightness like this, at least not since the first few days after surgery, so I've been going back and forth since Thursday night between loving it and wondering if I'm too tight.

It's been well over 48 hours now and finally I can drink water at a normal pace without feeling icky. I had what I approximate to be 1 tablespoon of guacamole for dinner along with a bite of cottage cheese and a teaspoon of diced up tomato/onion "pico de gallo." The really delicious protein smoothie I made for myself this morning is still in the fridge cause 2 spoonfulls of it is enough to satisfy me for hours. I know this will change as the swelling goes down but this is amazing! I have no idea how long it'll last and I'm hoping at least for 2 weeks of this kind of restriction even if I have to eat softer foods for a bit. It would just be so nice. I take one bite and I have no interest in the food anymore and I've already learned that it's not worth it to take an extra bite just to see (that ends badly.) Fingers crossed...

But anyway, I'm enjoying it for now. Despite being a little bit frustrating to really want to enjoy even a few bites of something and really not being able to. I don't care! This is what I asked for after all, this tool to help me. And right now it feels like a power tool. Industrial strength.

Down and Up

My scale is making me angry but I'm trying not to focus on that. My joy at being in the 220s was short lived but I am hoping that the small amount of fluid I got added to my band today will make all the difference and bounce me down nearly into the teens within a couple of weeks.

I went out of town over Memorial Day weekend and I didn't go crazy with food but I abandoned the low carb thing I've been doing in favor of just enjoying myself. I really expected to have put on a few pounds but when I came back I was still 229 and then the next day (official weigh day) 228 so I figured all was good. Got back on my high protein diet starting Tuesday and somehow managed to inch back up to 230 between then and now! I keep reminding myself that these things happen and it's par for the course. AND my clothes are fitting great, my exercise is going well, and I'm starting to feel bones in my shoulders I never knew existed. So I'm truly not concerned about the slight gain. But a small part of me does feel like it sucks to be out of the 20s. Nothing a couple of days of liquid can't fix though!

I got some fluid added this morning, my 2nd fill, so I'm back on liquids for 2 days then purees for 2 more and it's nearly impossible to do low carb on liquids cause all I can really have is soup and protein shakes, with minimal carbs. For some variety I can do sugar free pudding, yogurt, cream of wheat, and other things that are in no way low carb. I think I'll enjoy the ability to branch out while I have it for a few days and go back to my solid protein and vegetable rules once I'm on solids.

In the meantime, my doctor thinks I'm doing fantastic, even if their scale only registered me losing 8 lbs in the past month (with clothes on the numbers don't quite add up the way they do on my own scale.) According to them I'm 232 and my surgeon told me this morning I've lost 34% of my "excess weight" which for 3 months post-op is incredible! He told me my loss so far is average for people 1 year out! I cannot believe that but he said it's true. That prompted me to do a bit of happy/congratulatory/self esteem building writing on OH where I frequently read and post.

Here's what I wrote:

I just got to work after my appointment this morning in which I got my 2nd fill. I asked for and got 1/2 cc which means I've still only got 3.5 in me total. My doctor didn't oppose me asking for a slight fill at all, though he always seems to laugh at me when I say I "could be doing better" and told me today that the percentage of my weight that I've lost 3 months post-op is what is average at 1 year.

I find this really hard to believe! I see a lot of people on the forums here who have lost 100+ lbs in a year, not 40-something. Though there are those people too - but they seem to think there is something wrong with them.

Are our expectations for ourselves and this surgery just simply too high? Did anyone tell you before you had it that at a year out you are expected on average to have lost 33% of your excess weight? I guess I read the statistics but I just figured they didn't apply to me because I've always been an anomaly in other areas of my life. I'm not complaining, seriously, don't take it that way. I am so happy to be succeeding and I'm glad that when I go into my doctor he tells me how successful I am (such a change from my previous life where doctors could only scold me for "not taking better care" of myself.)

But how much of this stressing over our surgeries is self imposed? I think even though we all kind of know that the band is not RNY we still compare ourselves to people who've had other types of WLS. Instead, we should compare ourselves to people on weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem. I think my banded life has a lot more in common with a plain old dieter than other WLS patients, a lot of the time.

That's not to say that I don't love having the band or that it doesn't make it a hell of a lot easier to actually lose some weight. It absolutely does and I know I couldn't have done any of this without the help of the band. But we need to stop complaining about "only" losing 20lbs or "only" losing 1 lb a week or whatever it might be. Myself included. Look at what people on diets are losing and I guarantee it's much less and much slower (or quick and gained back just as quickly.)

I hope that everyone out there is feeling great about their own progress today, no matter how large or small it may be compared to other people's. I still cannot imagine myself actually ever getting to 100 lbs lost (though 50 is becoming more feasible) but I have to believe that if I keep doing what I'm doing that it will keep working.

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I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from people, thanking me for posting, and I'm glad it has helped others remember to feel good about their success. I know I sure do! Despite the fact that I really do want to keep going and get down further, I know that if this is all I could do, I'm still in so much better of a place than I was 4 months ago before I started this process. But there's no way I'm finished yet!

The first fill

This happened on 4/30 but I've just been too busy with work and extra-curricular activities to write since then.

Let's see if I remember anything about it since it was a whole 2 weeks ago!

I arrived at my surgeon's office at 8am, not really knowing what to expect and a little nervous but not terribly. Mostly, I just REALLY wanted a fill because my weight loss had stalled for the previous 2 weeks. They weighed me and I had lost 7 lbs in the prior month since seeing them but I explained all of that had been in the first 2 weeks after I saw them and I'd been lucky to just stay at 242 since then. And when I say lucky, I mean working my ass off to count calories and exercise as much as possible just to not gain weight, all the while feeling like I could eat anything I could want just like I could before my band. I HATE living that way, especially the feeling of dieting just to maintain a weight.

The fill itself was really nothing eventful. I don't even think he numbed the area beforehand which some doctor's do but I don't see why. Maybe he did and I just wasn't looking. I felt one prick and the needle was in, adding fluid to my band, and he was asking me to drink some water. I sipped slowly but started burping immediately and felt a growing pressure in my back, neck, ears, and head. It was a very odd feeling that I hadn't felt before but I thought maybe this was normal and would be what drinking water felt like for evermore. He had put in 3.5cc, not a lot for a band that holds 10cc but a good starting amount I think. I could have asked for some to be taken out while the needle was still attached but I didn't realize I needed it.

Because we weren't 100% sure it was right, he told me to go out to the waiting room and keep drinking the water. I did but as I sat there I became more and more uncomfortable. I could barely take the smallest of sips before feeling painful pressure in my back and neck, ears and head. I really would have expected to feel something in my chest or stomach but I guess everyone is different and now I know what being too tight feels like. Because it was Friday, the receptionist said I'd better let him take some out just in case, so I wouldn't be sick all weekend. The second needle stick was more unpleasant than the first (note to self, let him take fluid out while it's still attached next time!) but overall nothing terrible.

He took out .5 ccs, leaving me with 3. This seemed to be perfect. I remained on liquids all Friday and Saturday and returned to soft foods Sunday and Monday. Monday evening I had my first solid food (salad and a piece of pizza - I know, not the best but I only had 1 piece AND I hadn't eaten real food for 4 days so I knew I was not in danger of overstepping my calories.)

After my fill, I dropped about 10lbs but rebounded back to a net loss of about 5, which is still great. As of this morning (yes, I'm back to weighing more than once a week even though I swore I wouldn't) I am at 234, which is incredible considering today is my 8 week band-iversary. I was approximately 260 on the day of surgery so I'm still averaging 3.25 lbs a week.

At the moment I couldn't be happier with how things are going. I love my band and I love that it's given me the motivation to become healthier. And I don't just mean losing weight - I've just been eating so much better since I started this whole process, and it feels great.

My eyes are officially bigger than my stomach

My grandfather used to use the phrase "eyes bigger than your stomach" when we'd go to a buffet and people would pile their plates high with more than they could ever eat. I think this has been an issue for me all my life but especially now and I need to figure out what to do about it.

I'm finding that I have a really hard time, once something is on my plate, leaving it or throwing it away. I have a lot of "but it's wasteful" language running through my head - as well as - "if I don't finish my plate I'll just be hungry in a few minutes and if I throw it away I won't have it." I need to get over this - NOW. Today is my last day with no fluid in my band and I can get away with hell. I can get away with eating way more than I need to be actually satisfied either because I'm not thinking and just finish it automatically or because I intentionally don't want to throw the food out due to the above mentioned thoughts.

I hate wasting things, money especially. And when you buy high quality food, food is money. I also hate the "eat now, hungry in 5 minutes" life that I've lead mostly up to this point. I need to find a balance between having ample healthy snack opportunities (fruit, yogurt, cheese, nuts, note to self: buy these!) and not packing so much food that I feel compelled to overeat to finish it all. I've found the best luck with single serving packets of things like yogurt cups and cheese wedges. And the least luck with stuff I cook at home and bring leftovers of to work. For example, I made tortilla soup a couple of nights ago. It's basically beans, corn, and some shredded beef. It's REALLY good and low calorie and fat, so a perfect meal. But I ran out of small, what I'd call single serving, containers to store it in so I put the rest of the pot into a large tupperware. This morning my eyes were way bigger than my stomach and I brought the whole thing (to be fair, it did fit into a bowl I found in the kitchen even though it seemed like a lot more than should have fit into any bowl...) But I reheated and ate the whole thing for lunch. I probably could have been just as happy with half as much but because I had it, I felt I had to heat it and eat it. It's fine for today but starting tomorrow, with fluid in the band, overeating can be detrimental.

I don't want to have to learn the hard way, by vomiting or otherwise expelling food that I've managed to eat too much of or too fast. The good thing is I'll be on liquids tomorrow and Saturday while the swelling from the saline fill subsides. That won't allow me to overdo it. And if I'm lucky, I'll go back to that major sense of NOT HUNGRY that I felt a few days after my surgery. Wow, that was nice, I hope I'm going back there soon and staying there.