The damn 180s and other realizations

Wow, look at me, I'm complaining about being in the 180s - a weight I think I would have sold my right arm to be a year ago. I'm not trying to complain. I am actually trying to take a step back, regain perspective, and appreciate everything I've been through, how far I've come, and all of that. But it is still hard in the moment to feel as though nothing has changed. I'm closing in on 90 lbs lost and my body feels the same to me. Sure, some things feel vastly different - like exercise for example. Last night I did a light jog on the treadmill for 25 minutes and even 5.5 mph felt like nothing. I've worked up to short intervals (2 minutes) of 7mph so it's funny to go back and realize that 5.5 is a breeze when it used to be a struggle. And tonight I plan on riding my horse, which has gotten more and more pleasant, fun, and just plain easy to do each month. But I've been in the 180s for a month, I think, and I'm still just at 186 so I'm not close to getting out of them yet.

As for the other realizations, well... I've revised my goal to lose 1 lb per week which means I am eating a lot more liberally than I have been but I am also exercising a lot more than I had been in a while too. I've started a 6 day per week exercise routine that includes alternating resistance and cardio every other day and resting on the 7th. So far so good, up until I hurt myself at the barn Sunday night and got told by the doctor not to do any hard exercise till I'm better. I bruised a vocal chord (long story, don't ask) but he said any straining could do more damage to my insides. So I rested on Monday, did a light jog on Tuesday, going to ride the horse today, and hopefully will be able to do some light weightlifting tomorrow.

My old goal had been to be at 173 by 1/1/11 which would be 100 lbs lost. That was very ambitious and I'm ok not making it there. It's definitely not going to happen now. But, if I can just lose 1 lb per week from now till 3/17/11, I will have made it to 100 lbs lost in my first year post-op which would make me VERY happy. I feel like that's such a big marker and that if I could get to it then I could relax and it might take me another year to lose the final 20 lbs but that would be fine. Of course, knowing myself, I'll make it to that goal and then I'll decide I need to keep pushing through at lb per week and make it to my ultimate goal of 155 by August. Well, that's still a long way off. I need to make it to my first goal of 173 first and then I can worry about the last 18-20 lbs.

I'm also coming to terms with body image in general. I still don't see myself the way I am, I suppose (or maybe the problem is I always saw myself as a size 12 even when I was a 24.) However you frame it, I just don't look different to myself now than I did a year ago. My belly is still huge, my face is still chubby, my arms are flabby, my thighs are ginormous. And I'm realizing that just being a certain number on the scale is not going to change the way I see myself. And just because I will soon be able to wear size 10 clothes doesn't mean I will love every part of my body. I don't see myself as a thin or even average person but I am starting to understand how even thin and average people can still not love every part of their body for one reason or another. It's silly and I know eventually I work through it and get over it, but until my perception catches up with reality it's just all the more difficult.

I don't mean to be complaining though, really. Things are going very well and I need to remember that. I am able to eat well and enjoy a wide variety of foods and ever since I stopped taking the pills that were causing me issues I haven't had any stuck or vomiting or PBing or anything of the sort. I knew it wasn't supposed to be THAT hard. Shiiiit.

You know what one of the hardest things is? Getting in 80oz of water each day. I keep switching around varieties of sugar free drinks, diet lemonade, teas, stuff like that. My newest favorite is iced/water diluted herbal mint tea with splenda. I used to be able to use a straw to make it quicker and easier to get it all in but the straw finally started causing trouble with introducing extra air into my stomach, too much burping, stuff like that, so I gave them up. Drinking not only makes me have to pee, it makes me cold (I'm already cold all the time anyway so that's no fun) and when I'm not hungry or thirsty it's just plain annoying to have to keep drinking. But I try and it definitely is helpful to the end goal.

Inappropriate Idiots

I am surrounded by idiots. It's an invasion that's only gotten worse as I've grown up. I think I used to be surrounded by smarter people but maybe I just had less exposure to the population at large. I don't like stupid people, sorry, not gonna lie. But I like stupid people who open their mouths even less. And let's be clear. By "stupid" I don't necessarily mean those with below average IQs or mental handicaps o anything... just people who have no sense!

So, you want to hear a funny story?

I was back home in Alabama for Thanksgiving and was luckily able to attend my new cousin's baby naming ceremony (it's a Jewish thing.) It was very nice but it also meant I had the chance to see lots of relatives and friends of family who hadn't seen me in years. Not so bad except for those people you don't even know, who remember you from when you were a baby. That's always awkward, at best.

So, apparently Birmingham, Alabama is not too exciting of a place because my massive weight loss was the number one topic of conversation. Some of my relatives made tasteful comments like "you look great" and stuff like that. One in particular said, "What have you been doing to yourself??" in a bit of a shocked and unbelieving way. I decided to joke with her (well, mostly a joke) and said, "Oh, you know, just starving myself and throwing up after every meal." Of course that's not my intention but the reality of what's been going on with my band lately (up till I solved the pill issue) wasn't that far off so it felt kind of witty and ironic. To that my mother replied, "Yes, we're all so proud of Ellen's bulimia." I love my mom! She rocks sarcasm with the best of them.

So overall, not too bad but wait for it...

We were sitting down for the ceremony to begin and this woman from behind me wouldn't stop staring. I had no idea who she was. She obviously knew me though and as such, knew that I must have lost a massive amount of weight. Yes, I used to be bigger than an orca whale and now I'm like Twiggy from the 70s. Lol. Cause neither are true but you wouldn't know that from these people's responses. So this lady says to me (in a loud voice in the middle of the synagogue, remember) "How much weight have you lost??"

If you're reading this then you know I am not shy about sharing my numbers. I'm proud of what I have achieved but that's my choice to share it. I don't like being the center of attention in a circus freak type of way. Luckily I'm pretty quick so I said back to her, without missing a beat, and without a hint of sarcasm "Oh, about 300 pounds." The look on her face was totally worth it. I thought I'd shut her up for good but alas it was not to be. When the ceremony was over and we headed upstairs to the reception hall for the a little noshing she came up behind me and again said, "Really, I know it wasn't 300 lbs but how much have you lost?" I was taken aback but I guess I have to admire her persistence if nothing else. Still, pretty insulted because...well for one thing, who the hell is this person? And what makes her think this is an appropriate question?

So I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't even know you and that's kind of a personal question." I thought I maintained my dignity pretty well despite what I was feeling on the inside (let the floor open up and eat me, ya know?)

She said a quick sorry and introduced herself (I immediately forgot her name again) but said she'd known me since I was a child and was a friend of my grandfathers. Sorry to disrespect anyone but seriously? That fact is supposed to give you the right to be a complete dickwad?

Well, anyway, I didn't answer her question so I guess she'll go to her grave never knowing how much I actually lost. Sorry lady.

High School Trauma Flashback

For Thanksgiving, I went home to Alabama to see my family. I stayed there for 6 days and I made a special point to go back and visit my high school because I have always been close with my principal/teacher (I worked for her several summers after graduating.) It's a small, private school - I mean really small. We had 15 students my first year and it was more like being homseschooled or privately tutored. Every year, before Thanksgiving, they have a potluck lunch with all the traditional foods and I was of course invited to join in. It was great to spend some time there with my principal and see some of the teachers I haven't seen in years. There is one teacher in particular though that I could do without. J taught art and she was old when I attended school there 8 years ago! She's still teaching (as they always seem to) and though she's a "nice enough" lady, she can be a real jerk sometimes and probably suffers from her own eating disorder so I should cut her some slack.

So, of course it's expected that I got a lot of compliments from the people who haven't seen me in a year or two about my appearance. And I am more than happy to graciously say thanks to anyone who wants to tell me how great I look. But J took it a step too far and really pissed me off. First, she went on and on about my "figure" which I guess is a generational term so I'll forgive her for that. But then, after I ate barely anything at the lunch (don't get me wrong, it was normal bandster portions of some turkey and casseroles) - I went back for desert and took one spoonful of a chocolate pudding and whipped cream type thing that looked amazing and I couldn't wait to dig into - until "Don't take too much of that, now." She says out loud in front of the entire room of parents and students who are standing around enjoying their own deserts. I looked at her in disbelief and said, "J, I think I can eat whatever I want to, thank you." And I retreated to the back of the school to enjoy my small chocolate desert in privacy. Feeling guilty, and not really enjoying it. And feeling angry that anyone would tell me what I should or shouldn't eat after all I've gone through to lose my 85 lbs. It makes me angry and all of a sudden I was back in high school being made fun of - literally. It doesn't matter. She is no one in my life. Just an old crazy art teacher I had for a couple of years who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. But I hate those moments with the power to take us back to being 4 feet tall and vulnerable.

Finally falling into place

It's amazing how well this thing works when you're not getting in its way. Ok, so I haven't actually lost much weight the past couple of weeks because once I figured out the pill thing and got back to normal eating without nearly daily PB/vomiting it was time for Thanksgiving and family vacation and I just wasn't going to diet during that. But the great thing is, I ate what I wanted to and I didn't gain anything. I'm holding stead at 187.6 for the past couple of days and I'm back on the plan as of this morning. If I can be really strict for the next 34 days I might make it to my goal of 173 by new years. I'll be ok if I don't though. I would REALLY like to be at 173 by 1/22 because that would be 100lbs down from my starting weight on the 1 year anniversary of my first consult with Dr. A. I would be really proud to be able to say I lost 100lbs both pre and post-op in the 1 year since officially starting down the lap band road. That's not too ambitious because actually it would mean that I'd averaged 2lbs per week for a year. Now, if I could get to 173 by new year's THAT would be ambitious ;) We'll see. I am determined to start some amped up exercising soon. I need to kick in the resistance training to build muscle and boost my metabolism. Till now I've really focused on cardio and I need to change things up.

So that's a quick update. Planning to write more later. I am just so thrilled at my ability to eat like a normal bandster actually working as planned ever since stopping with the pills. Still waiting to receive that medicine in liquid form (stupid pharmacy, arg.)

Trouble in Paradise...but I think I figured it out!

If you've been following me on here, you know that I have been doing very well with my band for quite some time. Some people criticize a little "too" well, but I don't think losing 85lbs in 10 months is really too fast at all. It's hitting the average of 2lbs a week nearly on the dot. Some weeks have been more. Some weeks have been waaaay less. But it's been just under 40 weeks since my initial weigh in at Dr. A's (1/22) and I'm just hitting 85 lbs down from that now. Which puts me at 188, give our take a fraction of a pound. I've been holding pretty stead for a couple of weeks, so it seems. When I look back at my running log, I actually have lost 7lbs since a month ago but I've definitely stayed around the same for the past 2 weeks. Anyway, that's not actually the "trouble" I'm referring to. The trouble is, I've been having some pretty annoying side effects from the band no matter how careful I try to be. I have had days where I just cannot eat solid food and days where I can barely get liquids in. Some days (more than not) I've felt overly tight and then some days I've felt so loose I could eat anything. It's the dreaded "finicky band" that everyone talk about. I got my last adjustment of only 0.25 ccs on 10/15 and about 2 weeks after that it REALLY kicked in. I find that I don't lose weight when I'm overly tight because I can eat so little that I start indulging in things I normally wouldn't eat but they are easier than the solid and healthy foods. It's textbook really. It's exactly what they say will happen. But I don't want to get fluid taken out because I don't actually believe I'm "too tight." So what's been happening? I had no clue but I think I finally solved the mystery.

See, I've still been taking my metformin for PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and it keeps my period normal which in turn keeps my emotions in check, so even though I may not technically need it anymore, I've been doing it. The problem is, the pill is freaking huge. It's like a horse pill and even when divided in half, it's still really large. For a while, I was able to take it but I mostly did so at night before bed because my band is naturally looser at night. But then I started getting weird upset stomach and nausea around bedtime when I would lie horizontal. So I started trying to do them earlier in the day and then was having all these stuck, PB, and vomit issues. I won't go into details but it got pretty nasty. A few days ago I had been drinking liquids fine all morning and then took my pill around noon. A few hours later I decided to attempt eating (I was actually hungry for the first time that day around 3pm) but as soon as I'd taken a bite, within 30 seconds stuff was coming up. The problem was, by that point I was SO hungry that as soon as I vomited, I'd wait a few minutes and try to eat again with the same result. I tried different foods that have in the past caused me no issue but nothing worked. NOTE TO ALL: Don't do this. Don't be stupid. If you're throwing up, stop trying to eat. Yeah, I need to take my own advice sometimes. But it's such a weird sensation to be SO hungry physically and yet unable to keep anything down. Finally, I puked hard enough to dislodge what turned out to be an entire half of my metformin pill which was, to my surprise, completely solid and un-disolved. It had been sitting in my upper stomach, literally blocking the opening between my pouch and my lower stomach for HOURS. This shocked me into realizing I cannot continue taking pills like that. I have another medicine that I take daily but the pills are much smaller and never given me issue, until the next morning when I tried to take them with a protein shake that was up until that point going down smoothly. That's when something that has never happened before happened to me: within a few seconds of swallowing my pill, protein shake spewed with amazing force from my mouth and nose at the same time. I was sitting in my cubicle when this happened without warning and hope that no one around me heard (but I'm sure they did.) At least no one mentioned it and I coughed a few times to try to make it sound more like coughing and less like puking. There are still dark chocolate protein shake stains on the rug of my cube. They are a constant reminder to never do that again. So I've gotten my doctor to write prescriptions for the liquid form of both my meds. I had no idea they even CAME in liquid. She never told me. I had mentioned my issue swallowing the pills before but she didn't suggest liquid. Arg...

But the good news is, in the 2 days that I haven't attempted to take any pills, I can actually eat! I have energy, I'm not a complete bitch, AND I want to exercise again. It's amazing what a difference it makes.

On top of that, I've been making better choices again and opting for solid protein instead of ice cream and cookies once again because it doesn't make me sick to eat them. Thank goodness.

I sure hope this sticks. Now I know... most likely the pills were to blame the whole time once I got to the level of restriction I'm at now. I wanted to write about this to warn other people in case you're experiencing the same kind of thing.

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes

Yes, I'm talking about the moody band who can't seem to make up her mind if she wants to be loose or tight from day to day. It's frustrating but it's par for the course, according to everything I've read and heard. Last week I got so badly stuck on one tiny piece of chicken I could barely eat solids for 2 days and now I'm able to eat anything and everything without the slightest discomfort. Of course that doesn't mean I'm actually THAT hungry, just that for some reason when you're loose after being tight for so long, it's really hard not to just eat because you can. I can see how people gain back weight quickly if they have to get their bands unfilled. I hope that never happens to me. So I've had a little bit of a hiatus from the strict meal plan and hoping to get back on the wagon seriously in the next couple of days. I still have a major goal of getting to 185 by 11/18 when I go home to visit my family. That would be amazing but I'm not sure if it's going to happen. My next, longer term goal is to hit 273 by 1/1/11. That would be 100 lbs and that's something I'm really aiming for but I don't think I'll be overly sad if I don't make it, as long as I come close.

Not too much to write about today. I've bounced back up to 193 which is disappointing since I was at 190.2 a couple of days ago but all this looseness after so much tightness has definitely not helped. Everything will normalize and of course if that little loss was caused by being overly tight and maybe even dehydrated, it's better to not be there anymore. I'm perfectly happy with 193.

Now with 50% less angst

I've been feeling something very new and different lately. Peace, optimism, contentment... weird, huh?

Life in general is just going so well. My lap band adventure continues and I love how reliably I get the results I want when I do the right thing (AND equally impressed how everything doesn't fall apart when I don't do the right thing.) I'm still really shocked and impressed that things actually work this way when they never have for me before (banding) but I'm definitely a believer now.

In other areas of life, things continue to go well too. My relationships are steady and stable. No detriment from my weight loss that I can tell. I am not looking to leave my partner now that I don't wear plus size clothes (how silly!) but I guess there are people who've found that to be an issue. Most likely people who didn't choose a partner that was right for them to begin with and just settled on someone they thought was "good enough" for them at the time but not "good enough" for the person they see themselves as after much weight loss.

Luckily, the person I see myself as hasn't really changed. In the physical realm too, I haven't started seeing the smaller person (a catch a glimpse here or there but it seems like an optical illusion.) But I'm not longer angry about that. I practice enjoying the ability to do what I want with my body more often than I ever have before and focusing on the positive really seems to help.

I don't really have anything great to post about today but I did want to put up a recent picture. This is from last week. It's the first dress I've worn in years (except for jokingly dressing as a drag queen last Halloween.)



Size 16 (I probably would have bought a 14 if they had it) from the NY & Co. Outlet store. $14.99! Can't beat that, right?

Oh yeah, and today I woke up and was 193.4. That's 80lbs if you're counting!