Trouble in Paradise...but I think I figured it out!

If you've been following me on here, you know that I have been doing very well with my band for quite some time. Some people criticize a little "too" well, but I don't think losing 85lbs in 10 months is really too fast at all. It's hitting the average of 2lbs a week nearly on the dot. Some weeks have been more. Some weeks have been waaaay less. But it's been just under 40 weeks since my initial weigh in at Dr. A's (1/22) and I'm just hitting 85 lbs down from that now. Which puts me at 188, give our take a fraction of a pound. I've been holding pretty stead for a couple of weeks, so it seems. When I look back at my running log, I actually have lost 7lbs since a month ago but I've definitely stayed around the same for the past 2 weeks. Anyway, that's not actually the "trouble" I'm referring to. The trouble is, I've been having some pretty annoying side effects from the band no matter how careful I try to be. I have had days where I just cannot eat solid food and days where I can barely get liquids in. Some days (more than not) I've felt overly tight and then some days I've felt so loose I could eat anything. It's the dreaded "finicky band" that everyone talk about. I got my last adjustment of only 0.25 ccs on 10/15 and about 2 weeks after that it REALLY kicked in. I find that I don't lose weight when I'm overly tight because I can eat so little that I start indulging in things I normally wouldn't eat but they are easier than the solid and healthy foods. It's textbook really. It's exactly what they say will happen. But I don't want to get fluid taken out because I don't actually believe I'm "too tight." So what's been happening? I had no clue but I think I finally solved the mystery.

See, I've still been taking my metformin for PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and it keeps my period normal which in turn keeps my emotions in check, so even though I may not technically need it anymore, I've been doing it. The problem is, the pill is freaking huge. It's like a horse pill and even when divided in half, it's still really large. For a while, I was able to take it but I mostly did so at night before bed because my band is naturally looser at night. But then I started getting weird upset stomach and nausea around bedtime when I would lie horizontal. So I started trying to do them earlier in the day and then was having all these stuck, PB, and vomit issues. I won't go into details but it got pretty nasty. A few days ago I had been drinking liquids fine all morning and then took my pill around noon. A few hours later I decided to attempt eating (I was actually hungry for the first time that day around 3pm) but as soon as I'd taken a bite, within 30 seconds stuff was coming up. The problem was, by that point I was SO hungry that as soon as I vomited, I'd wait a few minutes and try to eat again with the same result. I tried different foods that have in the past caused me no issue but nothing worked. NOTE TO ALL: Don't do this. Don't be stupid. If you're throwing up, stop trying to eat. Yeah, I need to take my own advice sometimes. But it's such a weird sensation to be SO hungry physically and yet unable to keep anything down. Finally, I puked hard enough to dislodge what turned out to be an entire half of my metformin pill which was, to my surprise, completely solid and un-disolved. It had been sitting in my upper stomach, literally blocking the opening between my pouch and my lower stomach for HOURS. This shocked me into realizing I cannot continue taking pills like that. I have another medicine that I take daily but the pills are much smaller and never given me issue, until the next morning when I tried to take them with a protein shake that was up until that point going down smoothly. That's when something that has never happened before happened to me: within a few seconds of swallowing my pill, protein shake spewed with amazing force from my mouth and nose at the same time. I was sitting in my cubicle when this happened without warning and hope that no one around me heard (but I'm sure they did.) At least no one mentioned it and I coughed a few times to try to make it sound more like coughing and less like puking. There are still dark chocolate protein shake stains on the rug of my cube. They are a constant reminder to never do that again. So I've gotten my doctor to write prescriptions for the liquid form of both my meds. I had no idea they even CAME in liquid. She never told me. I had mentioned my issue swallowing the pills before but she didn't suggest liquid. Arg...

But the good news is, in the 2 days that I haven't attempted to take any pills, I can actually eat! I have energy, I'm not a complete bitch, AND I want to exercise again. It's amazing what a difference it makes.

On top of that, I've been making better choices again and opting for solid protein instead of ice cream and cookies once again because it doesn't make me sick to eat them. Thank goodness.

I sure hope this sticks. Now I know... most likely the pills were to blame the whole time once I got to the level of restriction I'm at now. I wanted to write about this to warn other people in case you're experiencing the same kind of thing.

Now with 50% less angst

I've been feeling something very new and different lately. Peace, optimism, contentment... weird, huh?

Life in general is just going so well. My lap band adventure continues and I love how reliably I get the results I want when I do the right thing (AND equally impressed how everything doesn't fall apart when I don't do the right thing.) I'm still really shocked and impressed that things actually work this way when they never have for me before (banding) but I'm definitely a believer now.

In other areas of life, things continue to go well too. My relationships are steady and stable. No detriment from my weight loss that I can tell. I am not looking to leave my partner now that I don't wear plus size clothes (how silly!) but I guess there are people who've found that to be an issue. Most likely people who didn't choose a partner that was right for them to begin with and just settled on someone they thought was "good enough" for them at the time but not "good enough" for the person they see themselves as after much weight loss.

Luckily, the person I see myself as hasn't really changed. In the physical realm too, I haven't started seeing the smaller person (a catch a glimpse here or there but it seems like an optical illusion.) But I'm not longer angry about that. I practice enjoying the ability to do what I want with my body more often than I ever have before and focusing on the positive really seems to help.

I don't really have anything great to post about today but I did want to put up a recent picture. This is from last week. It's the first dress I've worn in years (except for jokingly dressing as a drag queen last Halloween.)



Size 16 (I probably would have bought a 14 if they had it) from the NY & Co. Outlet store. $14.99! Can't beat that, right?

Oh yeah, and today I woke up and was 193.4. That's 80lbs if you're counting!

Visualize your ideal body

That's what I've been doing every night while falling asleep for the past week. I have these meditation tapes that knock me out into a deep trance within a couple of minutes of putting them on and I've never actually made it all the way through so I have no idea what they're telling me after 5 minutes in (could be anything, cult indoctrination, who knows?) But I'm telling you, they're working!

The book and tapes are from this guy Jon Gabriel who has come up with the aptly named "Gabriel Method" - a new-agey, woo-woo weight loss through visualization type thing. But to be honest, I tried it long before my band and it really did help me start to resolve my underlying issues that were keeping me from losing weight. I started reading his book and listening to the tapes about a year before surgery so I think doing that actually helped me prepare and be mentally ready for the physical challenges. I do recommend the stuff even though *some* of it is pretty fantastical. It's just another tool in my toolkit now and I've started up again listening to the tape religiously before bed. And yes, I have noticed increased weight loss, decreased hunger, and being able to make better food choices. I'm not going to say it's all because of the tapes but they don't hurt. I need to find a picture of someone with my "ideal body" to help me visualize. I have a hard time coming up with that mental picture since I've never seen it and can't recollect back to an image of my own body that I want to attain again.

In other news...

At 196lbs I am completely in new territory. I can consistently wear 14s and even some 12s, larges and most mediums at every store I've tried. I go in to see my band doctor Friday (2 days) for the first time in 10 weeks. I am sure he's going to be happy with my progress (I think I'll have a loss of 15 lbs on his scale from the last number 10 weeks ago.) I am definitely going to ask for another slight fill to my band. I'm hoping he'll give me as little as .25 ccs because I feel very close to being at a sweet spot but losing a good bit of restriction, especially as the day goes on. Nighttime is the worst! By 10pm I am hungry and can anything and everything. But the rest of the day isn't nearly as bad and as long as I stick to eating what I'm supposed to be (i.e. protein) I can get satisfied on very little. Still, I've been tracking my calories and getting in 1500-1600 a day easily (and could eat a good bit more if I let myself) so I'm hoping to get enough restriction back to stay under 1200. Spoke to the nutritionist for the first time in 6 months the other day and she said most people in the "green zone" can eat 1000 calories a day and be satisfied. I'm not there yet but I'm hoping that a slight fill will push me back in that direction.

I am feeling so surprisingly optimistic and despite the fact that I still can't SEE my own weight loss for the most part, shopping has turned into a much more fun activity than it's ever been. I am SO excited about my November/Thanksgiving trip home to Alabama where my dad will be providing me a shopping trip (hopefully all expenses paid) as a combination late Birthday/early Hannukah/huge weight loss gift. I am already making a list of stores I want to shop at. Urban Outfitters, LL Bean, Gap, American Eagle, New York & Co.... places I have had a hard time fitting into or never have but am now finding I can wear anything I want. And even in the women's department! I have always shopped in men's not only cause I'm more comfortable in many of the styles but because they fit. I wonder now if-and-how-much of my preference for male clothing is due to not having the choice to wear women's - or at least not looking good in it. I mean, they make sizes for women much larger than I ever was BUT I'm not going to claim any of those things ever looked fashionable.

I know I've been really pathetic about updating this blog. So it tends to go when people's lives go smoothly. It's not that everything is perfect...sure life is complicated and rough a lot of the time, but this blog is not about all those other things in my life. It's about my lapband and THAT is going well.

I am getting so close to my goal that I am getting more antsy about whether I'll be happy there. My original goal was 180 which I later revised down to 160. Well, I mean my first real goal was to break 200, but my first "GOAL" was 180. Well, now I'm 16 lbs away from that and I can't imagine being anywhere close to satisfied with my size, 16 lbs from now. My belly is still pregnant lady sized and people are starting to tell me that I may need to consider plastic surgery to get rid of it. I am still determined that through exercise and greater weight loss I can get it down to where I don't look pregnant when not desperately sucking in. That would be nice. So, I'm still 36 lbs from my actual goal of 160 and that can be a lot of difference. AND I'm hoping that since my midsection is really the only flabby part left of me that the majority of that 36 will come from there. But I won't know till I get there. And I guess there's just a part of me that is worried that when I get to 160 I will still look the same, still have this huge belly that hangs over my jeans (the size of which keep getting smaller.) How horrible would that be? To be wearing size 8 or 10 jeans but with a belly hanging out over them? Ugh, I'm getting down even thinking about it so I'm not going to.

In other, other news...
Ran my first (outdoor) 5K on 10/2/10 at the AIDS Walk Washington. My official time was 37:46 which gave me a 12:10 mile. I'm very happy with that considering last time I ran 5K on the treadmill I was about 43 minutes total. I was super impressed to beat my treadmill time by so much. But I also learned that I have to buy proper running shoes before my next street race. Foot pain! Yikes.

I rode Helo last night and realized for the first time (it just hit me...) how easy some parts of riding have become. Like posting. Wow, I used to huff and puff and tire out but I think I could post forever now. Sometimes I marvel at how different the whole world feels 75lb lighter and then I think "duh... of course it does." But, you know, sometimes I think I denied that anything would have been better or easier if I lost weight. I was very stubborn and liked to believe that there was no handicap in being large. But the truth is, it held me back from being my best and I am so happy I'm moving in the opposite direction.