The 50 Mile Ride (Part 1 - intro)

2 weeks ago, while on vacation in Iowa, I discovered a trail that runs 25 miles between 2 cities. It's a really nice crushed limestone trail, flat for the most part, and mostly shaded. People walk, run, and bike this trail and it's well maintained with mile markers and even some very primitive restrooms along the way. I had brought my bike with me from home with the hope of enjoying it up here in Iowa so I took it out for a ride one day. I rode 5 miles down and 5 miles back, which seemed like a lot at the time cause I can't ever remember riding 10 miles before or at least being aware of having done so. But it was in fact very easy to do. I decided that day that I would make the entire 25 mile trip from Dubuque to Dyersville, resulting in a 50 mile ride. I started riding my bike every day for an hour and then a week ago I went on a 2 hour/23 mile trip on the trail. Having completed that and still feeling fine, I decided to just go for the 50 (with a week of 10 mile practice rides in between). This may sound crazy to other people. It pretty much sounded crazy to me too. I thought 50 miles would be a distance you'd really have to work up towards. But the more I rode, the easier going 10 miles felt and I figure if I could go 10 miles and then rest a little there's no reason I couldn't go 50 miles in one day. So yesterday I did, and here are the photos and travelogue to prove it. But first, I want to pause to talk about a few other (related) things. I have been following (more or less) the Medifast plan since July 29 now. Had been doing pretty well sticking to it or at least to a version of it that was workable for me. The lowest weight I'd seen on the scale was 184.6, which made me very happy, but days kept going by without any scale movement. I was discouraged and getting annoyed about that. That's normal for me though, just a part of life when I'm on a weight loss journey and it's to be expected. Doesn't mean I need to give up, I'm just saying yes, the frustration was there. One thing that isn't exactly normal though and that I haven't confessed to anyone until now is that ever since starting Medifast a few weeks ago, I have dreamed every single night that I had gone and eaten something off the plan. Some nights it was that I dreamed I'd eaten an apple. Other nights it was that I'd gone for chocolate or baked goods. But every morning, without fail, I'd wake up wondering if I had really done that before realizing it was just another dream. What this tells me is that my mind is way too worried about food. I mean preoccupied to the greatest extent. My brain is obsessed with good food, bad food, right food, wrong food, being on a plan or off it, being perfect or not. This is disturbing to me because this never happened even when I was in the midst of losing 90 lbs with my band. I wasn't dreaming about food and I really can't remember a time in my life where I have. Maybe once or twice in the past while on a restrictive diet but I'm talking about every single night, the same thing? No...this was definitely out of the ordinary. So, Sunday, knowing that my big ride was coming up on Tuesday and that I basically had no reserves of anything except fat to burn in my body, something in mind just kicked into gear and I started to want to eat everything. And I can recognize the difference between a craving that is irrational and just needs to be ignored and something that's coming from a different place. This was like a primal need. Like survival instinct. That's all I can call it. Sure, it might have been misguided but my body was shouting at me loud and clear that I needed sugar and carbs like I haven't felt in a really long time. I analyzed it a bit and decided to give into it because truth be told, I wanted to successfully complete my ride more than I wanted to be down on the scale this week. Thinking about it carefully, I knew that I've never asked my body to work that hard for that long as riding 50 miles would be. I estimated that I'd burn about 3600 calories (my heart rate monitor ended up telling me I burned 4,131). I would have to eat 5 days worth of medifast food to not be in a deficit there when you add my normal daily caloric needs to that. And who wants to eat 5 days of medifast food in one day anyway? I'm not saying I needed to eat 5,000 calories in advance of my bike ride, that's not the point. What I felt I needed was to have some reserve energy stores in my system so that I could actually complete my ride without fear of passing out or having to just eat medifast food continuously the whole ride. If someone knows more about exercise physiology than me, I'd love to know your opinion. But needless to say, I did go a bit crazy on Sunday with eating all sorts of things I hadn't eaten in ages (and it was FUN and amazing, by the way, and really scratched an itch to just eat and enjoy it) but moreover, I was barely hungry on Monday and by Tuesday, I didn't need to eat much of anything to sustain me on my ride. I made some trail mix with nuts, granola, dried berries, and chocolate covered almonds and I brought a bunch of other stuff with me like beef jerky and cliff bars but I really wasn't hungry at all on the ride and just had trail mix every couple of hours to make sure I had energy. I could definitely feel the difference as time went on and I needed to refuel. So where does that leave me? Well, this morning my scale was at 188. I know that it's inflated not only from the sheer volume of food I've consumed over the past 3 days, the fact that a lot of it was carbs which add on "water weight", and also the amount of water I actually drank. I drank 5 liters yesterday. On a normal day I drink between 2-3. I know it's going to take a few days for my body to recover from this incredible task and maybe I'll end up back down at 184. Or maybe not and it takes another week to get there. I am ok either way. I realized something very important in the past few days. I have goals that do not revolve around the weight on the scale. Being healthy, being fit, being able to just decide to go bike 50 miles and DOING IT. That makes me incredibly happy. It doesn't make me feel less accomplished because I'm still a bit pudgy. But in terms of where I'm headed from here, I am back on "the plan" this morning and I am not craving or desiring food that I shouldn't. It was great to get it all out of my system in the few previous days and now feel ready to be back on that path. One other thing I'm realizing... I think I need to stop seeing myself as the fat person I once was. I often find myself thinking things like "Hey, I did that pretty well for a fat person." But that's just not true anymore. I'm sure there are plenty of people who are not in good enough shape to go on a 50 mile bike ride. And, without more than 2 weeks of practice at that! I should be proud of myself and grateful to my body for taking care of me and allowing me to do things that I want. That's the way I'm feeling right now.

Recommitting

This blog is one of the tools I attribute my success to when I first got banded. Writing in it daily or nearly daily helped me stay accountable to anyone who might be reading and helped me process all that I was going through as my weight began to drop. I look at how very far I've come and yet I see how quickly I could slide back into old patterns of thought and behavior and easily be as heavy as I was 2 years ago. But no, that's not true, because the person I am now would not allow that to happen. The months since my tummy tuck have had their highs and lows but one thing I haven't written about or shared with many people is that I encountered a band complication back in March at my 2 year Band-iversary and had to get about 1/2 the fluid taken out. What happened was that I went for an upper GI study which I like to do once a year to make sure my band is still in place and working and it turned out that my esophagus was majorly dilated and that it was refusing to push food down into my stomach. I didn't have any symptoms of this (normally you'd see reflux, inability to eat solid foods, night coughing or vomiting, etc.) The only thing that I could point to as a symptom was the feeling like I needed to burp after eating or drinking anything, even small bites. Turns out that was the spasms in my esophagus as it tried to push food down and failed. I had felt this for a while and it never bothered me, I just took it as part of the feeling of having the band. As it turns out, you shouldn't really be feeling anything with the band. So my surgeon took out a good deal of my fluid, leaving me with 3ccs. The hope was that after a couple of months my esophagus would return to normal and start functioning. To be frank, this scared the shit out of me. At only 2 years out, with 75% of my excess weight lost, and after undergoing major cosmetic surgery and looking better than I could ever remember, my whole world could be ruined or so it felt. My thoughts immediately went to the worst case scenario of having to lose my band and either get a revision surgery or nothing at all, which would inevitable lead to weight gain. The good news is that after 3 months, I got another upper GI and everything was back to normal. A month later, I went back to my surgeon to see about putting more fluid in. I weighed 192 on his scale (same as my home one) and I felt like crap. I think the last time he saw me I had been 181 on his scale. To face your bariatric surgeon with a weight gain is not a happy feeling. Luckily, Dr. A didn't panic and tried to convince me not to either. With 68% of my excess weight lost, I am still double the "average" results for Lap-Band so Dr. A said to focus on losing that 10lbs again and then maintaining and not getting into trouble with my anatomy. Sounds reasonable, right? But no, it's not enough for me. The past month I have been trying so hard to just eat a balanced variety of foods, high on the protein, using good carbs like quinoa and hemp bagels. But it doesn't seem to matter. I spent from June 3rd to July 20th exercising heavily 5-6 days a week and tracking what I ate very well. The numbers should have seen me lose weight but they didn't. And I found it hard to stay on track for even a day or two without finding some compelling reason to cheat and have a little of this or that at work where the junk food grew on trees. I found myself feeling more and more out of control and I swear I will NEVER see 200 on the scale again so when I reached 195 I kind of snapped. Sure, it wasn't "really" 195, as I can keep telling myself every time I got a little bit higher. All it would take is a few days of good eating to bounce back down to my accurate weight because my body holds onto pounds like crazy when I'm eating carbs at all really and all the more so if it's heavy in sugar and processed stuff. But even if it isn't "really" 195, it's probably "really" 192 and that doesn't make me feel any better. That's it, I kind of snapped. I pulled out the medifast food I had put away in the pantry and found I had a little more than a week's worth. I began following it on Sunday (5 days ago) and I have lost 7 lbs since then but again, it's that normal water weight of starting a drastic diet program. I am back at 187, a number I am infinitely familiar with being at and remember a month when I was stuck here in the past. It's really funny how my mind works. Now that I see the scale moving in the right direction again I feel more motivated, I feel thinner even though I'm not, and I feel like success is possible. It's funny how opposite of that I feel when I see a higher number even though nothing on the outside has changed. Speaking of nothing changing, that's the weird thing about all this. My clothes still all fit, though some pants are more snug than I remember but I would have thought that gaining more than 10 lbs would have made a big difference. I guess it explains why on the other side, I can lose 10 lbs and not see a big difference. The difference is definitely there in my mind though as I perceive myself so vastly different based on how I am doing both with following a diet plan and the results on the scale. So here's the thing... I have been living at 1200 calories a day for 5 days now. This doesn't feel like starving and using the medifast food, I am actually able to eat stuff that resembles tasty things even if it's not really. I have been eating a bit more meat protein than the plan calls for but until I stop losing weight, I don't see any harm in that. So far I've been eating 4 medifast meals and a bit more real protein instead of 5 medifast meals and just 1 serving of protein a day. So far, so good right? Well the BIGGEST issue for me is sticking with something. I have got to stick with this for a few months to be able to see the change I want. I have got to believe that the exact same way I lost 85 lbs can work for another 30. My body hasn't magically changed into a machine that refuses to lose weight. Not any more than it once was that but at 85lbs more than I am now. I used to believe that I just couldn't lose weight. And then I did. And then I hit 180 and I started to believe I couldn't again. I know that my mind is my most powerful ally or enemy in this battle and I am determined to make it work for me again. So, here I am, telling the vast internet that I have slipped up, I have regained (which I said I would never do) but I am catching myself before it turns into a problem and I am recommitting to implement the changes every single day that will lead to my success. Please, hold me to it. I have a bad habit of breaking my word to myself but I'm 5 days strong and I want to be able to continue. I wish I knew what the trigger is that makes my head snap in and out of the game so easily but whatever it is, it's happened now. I will weigh 160 by October 31. Possibly sooner. Stay tuned for updates to hear about how I'm staying on track.

T-Minus 31 and counting

T as in Tummy Tuck.

Yes, I've been absent from writing on here for a while. I need to go back and finish the posts where this idea was brewing many, many months ago. But for now the best I can manage is just to start fresh in the present moment and tell it as it's happening.

So here I am in my "five star hotel" also known as Dad's house and in about 31 hours I will be getting sedated and rolled into what I hope to be the last surgery I need or want for a very long time.

I have come a really long way in the past couple of years but what hasn't come very far is my self image, and not for lack of trying, but due to my cursed midsection that won't go away or shrink any further regardless of what I do. Sorry belly but you've got to go. I never thought I'd want plastic surgery and definitely never thought I'd be able to afford it. But an ironic turn of events over the summer left me with a pile of money I wasn't expecting (in the form of severance pay from a job that eliminated my position - don't worry, I found a new on immediately) so all of a sudden, the idea of getting rid of this last troublesome spot that irks me endlessly became a reality.

Of course, that's only half the story. To actually be able to afford it I soon found out I'd either have to do some medical tourism to Mexico or use my mom's first cousin in Alabama who is a very well regarded plastic surgeon...it just so happens Alabama pricing is a lot less than the Mid-atlantic region. Problem solved! Some people might think it's weird to have a cousin operating on them but not me. He's a great surgeon and I get the perk of being home in Alabama, seeing family I never get to see, and I think recuperating away from home is kind of cool even if it's not Mexico.

I'll be down here for 3 weeks or if everything goes extremely well and they can take out my drains a little earlier, just over 2. Tomorrow is my pre-op testing and consultation and then Tuesday 5am I check into the hospital. I assume my surgery is around 7am.

There is so much I could write about having this procedure, what it means to me, how far I feel I've come and how this is the final step in the process I started years ago. But I'm kind of tired and I know I'll have lots of time sitting in bed in the next few weeks. So for now I'm going to savor my 2nd to last night of not being in pain. Hopefully it'll be just like last time and get easier every day post op.

I'll keep writing when there's anything to tell, assuming I have time and energy.

2 week experiment: results

This was written on July 12 but oops... I kind of forgot to post it.

So the results are in and they are mixed. In numbers, not such a great ending as I remain steadily at 180.6 lbs. On the other hand, when I got back from my vacation on 6/28 I was back at 184 so being down is good. I would like to have lost any weight at all in the past week but I also didn't stick to the plan very well at all, so what do I expect?

The good news is my body fat % is still pretty low in terms of where it's been lately. 35.1 now and my eventual goal is to get it below 30 even if I don't lose any further weight.

After the results of the first week I'm kind of discouraged but still have enough medifast food to keep going. It's not an utter failure after all. Not been that hungry, been eating better and more nutritiously than in my pre-experiment life. Was able to get back down to 180 without the use of that godawful medication that blocks the opening of my stomach.

2 week experiment, day 7

Yesterday was a big win! I finished out the day with the following nutrition stats:

Calories: 1046
Carb: 78g
Fat: 71g
Protein: 103g

Unfortunately I didn't drink as much water as I needed to but I'm trying to make up for that today. It's just tough to drink when I'm feeling restriction like I have been since waking up a couple of hours ago.

So Monday has generally been my weigh-in day (for the official count) but last week we were camping still on Monday so I started my experiment on Tuesday and thus my first week isn't really complete till tomorrow morning.

But for the sake of consistency, I did weigh in this morning and was amazed to be back at 180.6. When I got home from camping I was 184 (which is basically where I had been for the past couple of months) so it definitely feels good to be back down at 180. I am looking forward to reporting a week from tomorrow that I am somewhere in the 170s for real and not due to working out hard or being dehydrated.

I'd have to say that at 1 week into the experiment, it's working! Which makes me very happy. And it hasn't been that hard AND I even had one major off plan day.

2 week experiment, day 4

Ok, so day 3 sucked. I was more hungry than I have been in ages but that's mostly due to my band being looser (time of month over with) and I was recovering from a hard workout the day before. Maybe I should follow the plan more closely including no exercise the first 2 weeks but I just don't think that's possible - or good for me. I don't need to lose 5 lbs a week, 2 would be really great. Even 1 would be reasonable. But I need to keep exercising cause it helps with my stress.

But anyway, yeah. Day 3 was a bitch. It started off fine - I'm always tight in the morning and feel like I'm going to be full on protein shakes all day long. That normally changes around 2pm. I ate way more than I should have yesterday but the good news is I didn't go for junk (for the most part.) I had a couple of bites of things at work I shouldn't have and I indulged in some more of that trail mix that I had a few bites of the night before. It's like my late night munchy fix but it's got to stop. The trail mix is going to the barn tomorrow for the July 4th BBQ.

Still, even with all my cheats, I clocked in at 1774 calories. Here's the daily breakdown:

1774 calories
139g carb
88g fat
132g protein

I held steady at 182.8 this morning and I will be really happy if I get 1 more lb gone by Tuesday AM at my 1 week mark.

In terms of today, it's shaping up to be pretty good. I have been up since 6:40, worked out this morning, got into work earlier than normal, and plan on leaving a little early to go to dinner and a show tonight. I have started the day with a homemade protein shake (100cal/18g protein) which I am getting into the habit of doing on top of my 5+1 medifast meals on days I workout. Had a great time this morning at the gym and did some of the same things the trainer showed me from Wednesday. Hopefully I'll be better at some of the stuff by next Wed. if I can get a couple more practices in. He's having me do some stuff I've never done before with an inflatable ball.

At the moment, just trying to drink as much water as I can (by the way, I learned I sweat about 32oz per hour, interesting, huh?) and I'm pondering what to eat for my first food of the day. Oatmeal? or a bar?

2 week experiment, day 1

Hello everyone. Miss me? I know it's been a while since I've posted with any regularity. I'm making a commitment to post once per day now for 2 weeks along with this new experiment I'm trying. It's in the name of science, I swear!

For those that know me in real life, you already know this. For those that don't, I've been coasting along, "maintaining" my weight in the 180-185 range since the beginning of the year. I saw 178 on the scale once but I think I was actually just dehydrated.

I have been making poor food choices most of the time and I know I have really good restriction but I'm just being lazy about it and eating things that are "easier" like chips, cookies, and cupcakes. Did I mention cupcakes? Damn there are a lot of cupcakes around everywhere all the time.

I might could use a slight fill but I think I'll postpone that for 2 weeks to really give this new eating plan a chance to work. I've also been really committed to exercise lately and if I hadn't just gone on a 6 day vacation I would have been able to say I'd exercised at least 20 minutes per day for a month straight with only a few "rest" days.

I joined a new gym that's right behind my office building and I LOVE it because there's a hot tub I can relax in after working out. So I get 4 free personal training sessions for joining and I'm going to use them once a week for the next 4 weeks. I fully intend for this experiment to go on for at least 4 weeks but I know I can do 2 so I'm starting there.

So what IS this experiment, you're wondering? It's not really that experimental but it sort of is for me. I am going to be following the medifast plan where almost everything I eat each day comes to me in the mail. With the exception of 7 ounces of lean protein and 3 cups of vegetables (which thanks to my band I need to split up into at least 2 meals per day instead of just 1) - everything I eat will be a prepackaged "just ad water" type meal. The great thing about doing this with the help of the band is I'm not going to suffer actual hunger. Now, just wanting other food. I'm sure that will be my biggest problem. But I've gotten to the point where I am tired of doing it on my own and making meal plans and deviating from them. I want something simple for at least a couple of weeks.

I did all liquids for 2 weeks before surgery so surely I can do this now. The food is actually really good. It's very low calorie, low fat, and high protein. It's not really "low carb" in the atkins sense but it's still less than half of what I think the normal low fat meal plans tend to prescribe in terms of carbs.

I have tried a few different big pushes to get these last 20-30 lbs off but mostly haven't been in the right place mentally. I think I'm there now and with the help of a new job/new routine, the new gym which is super convenient, and seeing several friends do medifast and really kick ass with it, I'm feeling like a winner.

That's the easy part. Now for the follow through. This is an experiment in a couple of different ways:

1. I am no longer taking metformin. This is a giant pill that even when chopped into smaller pieces has caused me to puke everything I eat after taking it (cause it blocks my stoma opening.) The pill helps my PCOS and also helps me lose weight but I just can't do it anymore. I should be to a low enough body fat percentage that I no longer need it or won't very soon. I can't keep taking it the rest of my life and now is as good a time as any to stop. No more puking. Seriously. And yes, I've tried grinding it into apple sauce or adding it to a protein shake and that's nearly as bad in terms of taste and texture and just having to eat something I really don't want just cause my pill is in it.

2. I have long since believed that my body will only lose weight with extremely low calories + high exercise or zero carbs. Any combination other than those 2 and it doesn't happen. The next 2 weeks will have me on a high protein plan with a decent amount of carbs, and doing moderate exercise (I plan to do at least 20 minutes of something intense 5 days a week but it will actually be more intense or longer durations several of those days...but still not over-doing it, just keeping up with my normal routine. So we'll see if this works at all.

Anyway, I'm extremely motivated at this very moment and I'm pretty good at sticking to plans when I make a commitment, so let's see how things go. Fingers crossed for next week's first weigh in. Would love to have lost 5lbs the first week like many people do. Some people lose more but I don't have that much left to lose.

Weight Watchers Day 1

So it finally started. I find myself back on the first "diet" I ever remember joining (I was 8 years old last time I did it with my mom.) I am hoping that by doing it again I can really stay committed to losing my last 30 lbs. No doubt I've come so far on my own with this band and I'm sure I could continue doing it but I don't want to take any chances. Plus, I've constantly been struggling throughout my time with the band between what is the right way to eat... low carb seems to make me drop weight the quickest and most reliably but it doesn't work in the longrun only because I really enjoy whole grains and should be able to have those "good carb" things once in a while without it throwing off my entire weight loss efforts. I also know I'm sugar sensitive so it's ok to avoid sugary and processed stuff most of the time but WW allows for and encourages treating yourself to stay motivated. So it seems too good to be true, right? I'm allotted 29 points according to my group leader who didn't input the calculations (just eyeballed me) but actually 31 according to the calculator. I'm probably on the cusp and will lose the 2 extra ones by next week but I may try to aim for 29 anyway. I've found 31 was not easy to eat all of today except that I'm ending my night with a 30-gram-protein shake both to finish off the unused points and as a treat cause it's my favorite new recipe (8oz 1% milk, 8 oz decaf hazelnut coffee, 1 scoop chocolate whey powder, ice) That makes a 20oz chocolate frappuccino and id 7 points in case you were wondering. Normally this is my breakfast (don't report me to the band police! I can't do enough solid food before noon to get a good protein start to my day.)

So here you go, my official review of WW and the Points Plus program (blech at the marketing scheme) as well as my WW@work program.

The good:

Convenient. It's right in my office building, once a week, for 45 minutes. You can't get any better than that and if it weren't for that, I wouldn't have joined. I live 5 minutes from a local WW chapter which is nice in case I ever miss a work meeting and need to get my meeting in but really, I know that if I joined an outside of work location I'd never go.

The program. It's definitely better than it used to be. Fruits and vegetables are unlimited and free so (I don't know about you) but it makes me want to try eating an apple or banana first and if I'm still hungry, go for a small amount of peanut butter or chocolate or something I really love rather than starting with the richer foods. It's great that WW finally got with the program and decided that a 100 calorie apple is in fact NOT the same to your body as a 100 calorie oreo pack! For crying out loud, it took them long enough! I'm super happy with the way foods are calculating out in the new points plus system and luckily I'm finding that most of what I already eat is well within my ability to keep eating. If anything, I am going to eat more fruits and vegetables and not much else differently because I've avoided fruits due to calories. Can't wait for spring and summer and all the fresh stuff!

The bad:

Their scale! OMG if I didn't flip a shit this morning at the weigh in. Listen to this. On my doctor's scale last week I was 184.5 which is the same as I was at home on my scale with clothes. I've since dropped to 180.6 unclothed and am jumping for joy at being out of the 180s ALMOST for good. Then I step onto their scale today, expecting it to be like 183-4 (no shoes) and it's 187! I know it's just a number but it bumps me back to a bad mental place cause I was stuck at 187 for several months. When I got home, I'm not going to lie, the first thing I did was get naked and jump on my scale. 181.6, thank goodness! The difference is due to whatever I've eaten or drank today, who cares, but nowhere close to 187. Now that I am reassured I didn't magically gain several pounds back I'm ok. I've been lucky enough up to this point that Dr. A's scale aligns so closely with my own that I know what it's going to say by stepping on my with clothes before I leave, so no surprises. I'm thinking of putting my home scale away for the next 12 weeks though since the only one that's going to matter is the WW one. In fact, I just told Steve to remove the scale from the bathroom. I am going to try following WW and using their scale and seeing what happens without obsessing over it daily. Keyword here: try!

The merch. I'm talking MAJOR merch. WW is a business, let us not forget. They have everything for sale and don't think that anything you buy now is going to last long cause they'll be out with a new plan soon enough or tweaking this one or whatever and you'll have to buy more. I bought the $5.95 points calculator and also have the droid app but I'd have to pay 12.95 a month to keep my "etools" subscription going beyond the 14 week period (unless I rejoin I guess.) So investing in the little pocket calculator will let me keep going as long as I want to follow points even if I'm not enrolled. So what are these magical points? Interestingly they no longer measure calories when calculating them. You account for protein, fat, carbs, fiber. Stuff that's high in protein and fiber and low in fat/carbs gets low points. Stuff high in fat and carbs with little protein/fiber gets high points. And fruits and vegetables are free as long as they aren't starchy or fatty ones. Too bad I can't eat unlimited avocados, my favorite! But overall it definitely is pointing you in the direction of eating healthier and not just eating less. It's kind of the same "diet" so many other people and groups have been preaching. Load up on fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, whole grains, and use fats and processed foods sparingly. Not that much too it.

Well, we will see. I am sooo not changing my tickers back up to 187 though. I will change them all to 181.6 and leave them there till I go back to Dr. A on 2/25 and I'll update with his scale's number which corresponds close enough to mine. This will be exciting. Can I do it? And by do it, I don't mean lose 30 more lbs, I mean keep myself from getting on the scale 4 times a day! ;)

It's January 24th...

And I am on pureed food, not hungry much at all, and was 182.8 this morning. Thank goodness I may have finally crawled out of the 184 sand-trap I was in for a while.

Here's the report from my visit to Dr. A last Friday:

I arrived at 8:30, exactly on time but nearly having run out of gas in my prius. I was pushing it and the "miles till fuel" went from 10 directly to 0 so I seriously thought I was going to have to push my car the last half mile to the office. Luckily this did not happen. I hadn't intend to cut it so close but left home with 45 miles till fuel and it's not that far to his office so I figured I could make it and get gas after. I was holding my breath the entire way though!

I got weighed and registered 184.4 with clothes on, down from 197 at my last visit (3 months prior.) I'm averaging just 1 lb per week for that span of time but Dr. A was ecstatic. My little info sheet says I have no lost 75% of my excess weight. Dr. A says that the average Lap-Band patient 1 year post op has lost 30% of their excess weight. I cannot believe this, it sounds like horrible results! Who would get a surgery that promises something so underwhelming? I'm glad I did but I'm also glad I am so determined and fight hard to not be average. I feel sorry for people who have not had the same results as me because I know how angry I would be if I had only lost 30 lbs since surgery (not yet a year out, but still.)

So anyway, he indicated that I was doing so well that I probably didn't need an adjustment and I told him how hungry I'd been lately (especially after 3pm) and how I'd been tracking my calories and it took 1600-1800 to satisfy me. He said that I had a significant amount of fluid in my band but agreed to do a fill anyway. I asked for a small amount (.25 or smaller.) Then, as he was pulling out the fluid I asked him how much I had and he was surprised to find it was less than he expected. I knew that a miscalculation had happened somewhere along the line. I'm pretty sure I should have only had 4.75 - he had thought I should have 5.5. Turns out I was right (he had forgotten to subtract a bit he took out once in my first fill.) So I guess he felt better about adjusting since I didn't have as much as he thought I did. He gave me .5 even though I really had only wanted .25 but he's the expert, right?

So, I spent the whole weekend on liquids and started having soft foods a bit yesterday, no trouble so far. Just not hungry. Though I feel kind of weak and like I need food, I'm not physically hungry and not complaining. I've been slowly making it through my 20oz of protein shake for the last few hours. Not sure if I'll be able to get in all my water. I normally take a while for the swelling from the fill to go down and plus, now I've got .5CCs more than I used to and I already was generally tight till about 3pm. That's where the trouble started. At 3pm it was like a switch would get flipped and I would be insatiable. I tracked my calories and nutrients really well for the week before my appointment and was finding I had to eat up to 1800 calories of protein, fat, and complex carbs to be satisfied. I think I'm safely back in the close-to-1000 range since my fill. I do love that feeling of just not being hungry and welcome it back again.

In other news, my first Weight Watchers at Work meeting was today. But it wasn't a real meeting, disappointingly. It was just an intro session to get signed up. We'll start next Monday for real with a weigh in. I will probably be at 180 by then, I can only hope. It would be amazing to lose 2lbs a week and be at my goal "ideal weight" of 155 by the time the 12 week session is up. It's almost too good to be true to think I could be so close and my goal so attainable, but really, if I stick with the program and utilize the support and of course working with my band and keeping up the exercise, there's no reason why I can't do it.

Ugh, the exercise has been an issue. It's been so cold out, I've been staying up way too late at night, and I've been waking up more tired than normal and with some muscle pain. Especially yesterday and today, having quite a back ache that I've never felt before. As long as I'm not eating much, I don't feel the need to exercise more than my normal walking, zumba, and barn stuff affords me. If I'm at 1000 calories a day or close to it, I don't need to go crazy (nor do I have the energy to, I think.) But I do miss the activity and felt so good all those days I got to the gym before work. I want all these aches and pains to go away and for the weather to get better so I can enjoy exercising again.

Anyway, enough bitching. Been 30 minutes since I finished my protein shake, I think I'll try my pureed chicken salad for lunch.

The damn 180s and other realizations

Wow, look at me, I'm complaining about being in the 180s - a weight I think I would have sold my right arm to be a year ago. I'm not trying to complain. I am actually trying to take a step back, regain perspective, and appreciate everything I've been through, how far I've come, and all of that. But it is still hard in the moment to feel as though nothing has changed. I'm closing in on 90 lbs lost and my body feels the same to me. Sure, some things feel vastly different - like exercise for example. Last night I did a light jog on the treadmill for 25 minutes and even 5.5 mph felt like nothing. I've worked up to short intervals (2 minutes) of 7mph so it's funny to go back and realize that 5.5 is a breeze when it used to be a struggle. And tonight I plan on riding my horse, which has gotten more and more pleasant, fun, and just plain easy to do each month. But I've been in the 180s for a month, I think, and I'm still just at 186 so I'm not close to getting out of them yet.

As for the other realizations, well... I've revised my goal to lose 1 lb per week which means I am eating a lot more liberally than I have been but I am also exercising a lot more than I had been in a while too. I've started a 6 day per week exercise routine that includes alternating resistance and cardio every other day and resting on the 7th. So far so good, up until I hurt myself at the barn Sunday night and got told by the doctor not to do any hard exercise till I'm better. I bruised a vocal chord (long story, don't ask) but he said any straining could do more damage to my insides. So I rested on Monday, did a light jog on Tuesday, going to ride the horse today, and hopefully will be able to do some light weightlifting tomorrow.

My old goal had been to be at 173 by 1/1/11 which would be 100 lbs lost. That was very ambitious and I'm ok not making it there. It's definitely not going to happen now. But, if I can just lose 1 lb per week from now till 3/17/11, I will have made it to 100 lbs lost in my first year post-op which would make me VERY happy. I feel like that's such a big marker and that if I could get to it then I could relax and it might take me another year to lose the final 20 lbs but that would be fine. Of course, knowing myself, I'll make it to that goal and then I'll decide I need to keep pushing through at lb per week and make it to my ultimate goal of 155 by August. Well, that's still a long way off. I need to make it to my first goal of 173 first and then I can worry about the last 18-20 lbs.

I'm also coming to terms with body image in general. I still don't see myself the way I am, I suppose (or maybe the problem is I always saw myself as a size 12 even when I was a 24.) However you frame it, I just don't look different to myself now than I did a year ago. My belly is still huge, my face is still chubby, my arms are flabby, my thighs are ginormous. And I'm realizing that just being a certain number on the scale is not going to change the way I see myself. And just because I will soon be able to wear size 10 clothes doesn't mean I will love every part of my body. I don't see myself as a thin or even average person but I am starting to understand how even thin and average people can still not love every part of their body for one reason or another. It's silly and I know eventually I work through it and get over it, but until my perception catches up with reality it's just all the more difficult.

I don't mean to be complaining though, really. Things are going very well and I need to remember that. I am able to eat well and enjoy a wide variety of foods and ever since I stopped taking the pills that were causing me issues I haven't had any stuck or vomiting or PBing or anything of the sort. I knew it wasn't supposed to be THAT hard. Shiiiit.

You know what one of the hardest things is? Getting in 80oz of water each day. I keep switching around varieties of sugar free drinks, diet lemonade, teas, stuff like that. My newest favorite is iced/water diluted herbal mint tea with splenda. I used to be able to use a straw to make it quicker and easier to get it all in but the straw finally started causing trouble with introducing extra air into my stomach, too much burping, stuff like that, so I gave them up. Drinking not only makes me have to pee, it makes me cold (I'm already cold all the time anyway so that's no fun) and when I'm not hungry or thirsty it's just plain annoying to have to keep drinking. But I try and it definitely is helpful to the end goal.

Trouble in Paradise...but I think I figured it out!

If you've been following me on here, you know that I have been doing very well with my band for quite some time. Some people criticize a little "too" well, but I don't think losing 85lbs in 10 months is really too fast at all. It's hitting the average of 2lbs a week nearly on the dot. Some weeks have been more. Some weeks have been waaaay less. But it's been just under 40 weeks since my initial weigh in at Dr. A's (1/22) and I'm just hitting 85 lbs down from that now. Which puts me at 188, give our take a fraction of a pound. I've been holding pretty stead for a couple of weeks, so it seems. When I look back at my running log, I actually have lost 7lbs since a month ago but I've definitely stayed around the same for the past 2 weeks. Anyway, that's not actually the "trouble" I'm referring to. The trouble is, I've been having some pretty annoying side effects from the band no matter how careful I try to be. I have had days where I just cannot eat solid food and days where I can barely get liquids in. Some days (more than not) I've felt overly tight and then some days I've felt so loose I could eat anything. It's the dreaded "finicky band" that everyone talk about. I got my last adjustment of only 0.25 ccs on 10/15 and about 2 weeks after that it REALLY kicked in. I find that I don't lose weight when I'm overly tight because I can eat so little that I start indulging in things I normally wouldn't eat but they are easier than the solid and healthy foods. It's textbook really. It's exactly what they say will happen. But I don't want to get fluid taken out because I don't actually believe I'm "too tight." So what's been happening? I had no clue but I think I finally solved the mystery.

See, I've still been taking my metformin for PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and it keeps my period normal which in turn keeps my emotions in check, so even though I may not technically need it anymore, I've been doing it. The problem is, the pill is freaking huge. It's like a horse pill and even when divided in half, it's still really large. For a while, I was able to take it but I mostly did so at night before bed because my band is naturally looser at night. But then I started getting weird upset stomach and nausea around bedtime when I would lie horizontal. So I started trying to do them earlier in the day and then was having all these stuck, PB, and vomit issues. I won't go into details but it got pretty nasty. A few days ago I had been drinking liquids fine all morning and then took my pill around noon. A few hours later I decided to attempt eating (I was actually hungry for the first time that day around 3pm) but as soon as I'd taken a bite, within 30 seconds stuff was coming up. The problem was, by that point I was SO hungry that as soon as I vomited, I'd wait a few minutes and try to eat again with the same result. I tried different foods that have in the past caused me no issue but nothing worked. NOTE TO ALL: Don't do this. Don't be stupid. If you're throwing up, stop trying to eat. Yeah, I need to take my own advice sometimes. But it's such a weird sensation to be SO hungry physically and yet unable to keep anything down. Finally, I puked hard enough to dislodge what turned out to be an entire half of my metformin pill which was, to my surprise, completely solid and un-disolved. It had been sitting in my upper stomach, literally blocking the opening between my pouch and my lower stomach for HOURS. This shocked me into realizing I cannot continue taking pills like that. I have another medicine that I take daily but the pills are much smaller and never given me issue, until the next morning when I tried to take them with a protein shake that was up until that point going down smoothly. That's when something that has never happened before happened to me: within a few seconds of swallowing my pill, protein shake spewed with amazing force from my mouth and nose at the same time. I was sitting in my cubicle when this happened without warning and hope that no one around me heard (but I'm sure they did.) At least no one mentioned it and I coughed a few times to try to make it sound more like coughing and less like puking. There are still dark chocolate protein shake stains on the rug of my cube. They are a constant reminder to never do that again. So I've gotten my doctor to write prescriptions for the liquid form of both my meds. I had no idea they even CAME in liquid. She never told me. I had mentioned my issue swallowing the pills before but she didn't suggest liquid. Arg...

But the good news is, in the 2 days that I haven't attempted to take any pills, I can actually eat! I have energy, I'm not a complete bitch, AND I want to exercise again. It's amazing what a difference it makes.

On top of that, I've been making better choices again and opting for solid protein instead of ice cream and cookies once again because it doesn't make me sick to eat them. Thank goodness.

I sure hope this sticks. Now I know... most likely the pills were to blame the whole time once I got to the level of restriction I'm at now. I wanted to write about this to warn other people in case you're experiencing the same kind of thing.