My grandfather used to use the phrase "eyes bigger than your stomach" when we'd go to a buffet and people would pile their plates high with more than they could ever eat. I think this has been an issue for me all my life but especially now and I need to figure out what to do about it.
I'm finding that I have a really hard time, once something is on my plate, leaving it or throwing it away. I have a lot of "but it's wasteful" language running through my head - as well as - "if I don't finish my plate I'll just be hungry in a few minutes and if I throw it away I won't have it." I need to get over this - NOW. Today is my last day with no fluid in my band and I can get away with hell. I can get away with eating way more than I need to be actually satisfied either because I'm not thinking and just finish it automatically or because I intentionally don't want to throw the food out due to the above mentioned thoughts.
I hate wasting things, money especially. And when you buy high quality food, food is money. I also hate the "eat now, hungry in 5 minutes" life that I've lead mostly up to this point. I need to find a balance between having ample healthy snack opportunities (fruit, yogurt, cheese, nuts, note to self: buy these!) and not packing so much food that I feel compelled to overeat to finish it all. I've found the best luck with single serving packets of things like yogurt cups and cheese wedges. And the least luck with stuff I cook at home and bring leftovers of to work. For example, I made tortilla soup a couple of nights ago. It's basically beans, corn, and some shredded beef. It's REALLY good and low calorie and fat, so a perfect meal. But I ran out of small, what I'd call single serving, containers to store it in so I put the rest of the pot into a large tupperware. This morning my eyes were way bigger than my stomach and I brought the whole thing (to be fair, it did fit into a bowl I found in the kitchen even though it seemed like a lot more than should have fit into any bowl...) But I reheated and ate the whole thing for lunch. I probably could have been just as happy with half as much but because I had it, I felt I had to heat it and eat it. It's fine for today but starting tomorrow, with fluid in the band, overeating can be detrimental.
I don't want to have to learn the hard way, by vomiting or otherwise expelling food that I've managed to eat too much of or too fast. The good thing is I'll be on liquids tomorrow and Saturday while the swelling from the saline fill subsides. That won't allow me to overdo it. And if I'm lucky, I'll go back to that major sense of NOT HUNGRY that I felt a few days after my surgery. Wow, that was nice, I hope I'm going back there soon and staying there.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Layers of myself
I was at the barn last week and the (very) thin barn owner was asking me how things were going post-op. She was telling me how she started some new thyroid meds and dropped 4lbs in a week and now weighs like 134 or something but still wants to get down to 129. Sorry if you're reading this and you weight 134 and would rather be 129 but my morbidly-obese self doesn't have a whole lot of patience for that type of conversation. It's like the girls in middle school who always complained that they would get fat if they ate one cookie or obsessed about wearing a size 4 instead of a 2. Please, never let me become those people.
But the conversation did leave me with something. I mentioned that I'd lost 30lbs but don't see it and still feel every bit as large as I was 30 lbs ago, which is true except sometimes my legs look really skinny to me and I curse losing any weight from my muscular legs instead of my fat abs, but anyway... So she said that it wasn't as though I'd lost any huge chunk from anywhere but rather that I'd lost a small layer all over. Maybe one inch, she said. And I thought about it and realized that it's true. I'm still the same shape I was 3 months ago and none of my problem areas have just disappeared, but I've gone down a couple of clothing sizes and have noticed myself just taking up marginally less space than before in places where space is a huge commodity like airplane seats.
I have been thinking about this concept, that with each few pounds I lose, I am stripping away a layer and I also realized that I am stripping off years. Since I've never been thin, the only thing that separates how I am now from how I was at, say, age 15 or 18 or 20 is the degree of fatness. I remember weighing 220 at some point in the far, far, past. I might have been 14? I definitely don't remember any number on a scale below that, so I don't know what I'll see or feel like or be when I get there but the journey from 273 to 241 where I am today has been like jumping back to college. When I was a junior in college I weighed in the 240s and I was really active. Did aerobics a few times a week and rode with my college team and competed on the weekends. I remember feeling really good and capable and confident and seeing myself in the mirror as hot lots of times when I was that age/weight. So now I'm back there, and it's great. I rode Helo last night and continued to marvel out how "easy" it was. Easy to get on, easy to post, even after more than a month off from riding my muscles don't feel like they used to and I know that even though it's not visible outwardly to me, that I am feeling the difference of 30 lbs. I also cannot wait to feel how it feels to be even smaller on his back and regain balance and coordination I used to have when I did things like ride bareback and jump.
The lowest I've been in recent memories is the 230s and that was the summer I was a counselor at fat camp (2002.) By the end of the summer I might have been 235 but I specifically remember never getting under 230 cause I always just got stuck there. Well, I'm 12 lbs away from beating that and with the help of my band (which is getting filled tomorrow!!!) I will be there in 4-5 weeks. I barely remember what it looks like or feels like to be in the 220s and like I said, I have not been there since I was 14, if that. I'm 26 now, so getting into the 220s will be like zooming back in history 12 years. It'll be like peeling back the layers of body and mind to be back in that place - yet not - because I cannot erase the 12 years of experience and growth that has come along with everything else that's accumulated over time.
I wonder what this will do to me, or for me, emotionally. I wonder if 12 pounds from now I will find myself feeling as I did when I was 14. And how far back do I have to go to get to a place where I need to be? To get back to 150 lbs? I might be 10 years old by that time. My goal is to be at 200 6 months post-op, give or take a couple of weeks. Since I don't remember where I was when I hit 200 from the other direction, I can only guess maybe 12? And, here's the scary part... I believe that I have long since solved the emotional issues that led me to use food as a comfort in life back when I was a kid. I undoubtedly did. I most certainly did not get to be this heavy by not abusing food and self medicating with it. But that's not me anymore. It always felt so hopeless to get rid of the weight that I allowed myself to adopt bad eating patterns but I've learned in the past 2 months that I can fully and honestly say that food is just food to me and I don't care about it emotionally anymore. But when I step back in time and reinhabit the body that I had 10 years ago or more, will that change? I don't know why it would but something on a deep emotional level feels like it might. I am prepared that it's a struggle I may have to deal with as I regress.
But the conversation did leave me with something. I mentioned that I'd lost 30lbs but don't see it and still feel every bit as large as I was 30 lbs ago, which is true except sometimes my legs look really skinny to me and I curse losing any weight from my muscular legs instead of my fat abs, but anyway... So she said that it wasn't as though I'd lost any huge chunk from anywhere but rather that I'd lost a small layer all over. Maybe one inch, she said. And I thought about it and realized that it's true. I'm still the same shape I was 3 months ago and none of my problem areas have just disappeared, but I've gone down a couple of clothing sizes and have noticed myself just taking up marginally less space than before in places where space is a huge commodity like airplane seats.
I have been thinking about this concept, that with each few pounds I lose, I am stripping away a layer and I also realized that I am stripping off years. Since I've never been thin, the only thing that separates how I am now from how I was at, say, age 15 or 18 or 20 is the degree of fatness. I remember weighing 220 at some point in the far, far, past. I might have been 14? I definitely don't remember any number on a scale below that, so I don't know what I'll see or feel like or be when I get there but the journey from 273 to 241 where I am today has been like jumping back to college. When I was a junior in college I weighed in the 240s and I was really active. Did aerobics a few times a week and rode with my college team and competed on the weekends. I remember feeling really good and capable and confident and seeing myself in the mirror as hot lots of times when I was that age/weight. So now I'm back there, and it's great. I rode Helo last night and continued to marvel out how "easy" it was. Easy to get on, easy to post, even after more than a month off from riding my muscles don't feel like they used to and I know that even though it's not visible outwardly to me, that I am feeling the difference of 30 lbs. I also cannot wait to feel how it feels to be even smaller on his back and regain balance and coordination I used to have when I did things like ride bareback and jump.
The lowest I've been in recent memories is the 230s and that was the summer I was a counselor at fat camp (2002.) By the end of the summer I might have been 235 but I specifically remember never getting under 230 cause I always just got stuck there. Well, I'm 12 lbs away from beating that and with the help of my band (which is getting filled tomorrow!!!) I will be there in 4-5 weeks. I barely remember what it looks like or feels like to be in the 220s and like I said, I have not been there since I was 14, if that. I'm 26 now, so getting into the 220s will be like zooming back in history 12 years. It'll be like peeling back the layers of body and mind to be back in that place - yet not - because I cannot erase the 12 years of experience and growth that has come along with everything else that's accumulated over time.
I wonder what this will do to me, or for me, emotionally. I wonder if 12 pounds from now I will find myself feeling as I did when I was 14. And how far back do I have to go to get to a place where I need to be? To get back to 150 lbs? I might be 10 years old by that time. My goal is to be at 200 6 months post-op, give or take a couple of weeks. Since I don't remember where I was when I hit 200 from the other direction, I can only guess maybe 12? And, here's the scary part... I believe that I have long since solved the emotional issues that led me to use food as a comfort in life back when I was a kid. I undoubtedly did. I most certainly did not get to be this heavy by not abusing food and self medicating with it. But that's not me anymore. It always felt so hopeless to get rid of the weight that I allowed myself to adopt bad eating patterns but I've learned in the past 2 months that I can fully and honestly say that food is just food to me and I don't care about it emotionally anymore. But when I step back in time and reinhabit the body that I had 10 years ago or more, will that change? I don't know why it would but something on a deep emotional level feels like it might. I am prepared that it's a struggle I may have to deal with as I regress.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A month in the blink of an eye
It's Sunday night before I return to work. My month, "my month"...is over. I cannot believe it. Gone by faster than I could have imagined even though I knew it would fly by. A month ago, March 18th, I was one day out of surgery. I was nearly regretting my decision; wondering how the process had happened so fast without someone stopping and making me wait 6 more months to make sure I "really" wanted to do it. A day after surgery I was in more pain than I have ever felt before, not helped by the narcotics they gave me (something called Dilaudid that really didn't do anything but make me feel icky and tired. But hey, at least it didn't make me puke!)
A couple of days later I was getting to my feet a lot better and making sure to keep walking to prevent blood clots and of course because any bit of exercise I could get would quicken my weight loss. I lost 10 lbs in 10 days directly after surgery, which was great, but also encouraged me to weight 3 times a day to see if it was still coming off. Or really coming off. It was, both, all the time.
By the start of my 2nd week, I was feeling pretty decent though still easily tired (that is only now starting to resolve.) I ramped up my activity level and started exploring all the local parks. Walking, walking, walking. No blood clots here. Somewhere around here I also decided I needed to start seeing a therapist and got extremely lucky, hitting it off with someone on the first try who is in network with my insurance. He has dealt with weight loss surgeries and all types of eating disorders and oddly enough has some experience with some of my other issues that are completely not WLS related.
My 3rd week flew by in a blur. I know I was getting more and more active, spending a lot of time thinking about what I was eating (being on soft foods and no longer liquids by this point) and still always wondering if I'm going to lose weight or if this whole thing will have been for nothing. I did have my first moment of certainty that I was going to succeed. But a few days later, a day of equal uncertainty.
Week 4 has gone by quicker than any. I joined a gym, continued to see my therapist, started doing things I technically shouldn't be doing yet like riding my bike and my horse. But like a friend told me, souls need healing too. And it's true. My pony is my spiritual therapy. I also let go of the scale this week. Steve hid it (even though I know where he put it) and I only weighed at the gym which was twice this week.
Tonight, Sunday, I pulled out my scale and got the official number. 240.6. All I know is that on 1/12/10 I was 274 at my doctor's office and on 1/23/10 I was 273 at my surgeon's office. Going by those numbers, it's been 14 weeks and just over 33 lbs. An average of about 2.3 lbs per week. I cannot complain and I only hope that the trend continues. I still can't see the difference on a regular basis but once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see something. Or rather, a lack of something. And overall, it's been pretty easy. I mean, sure I've been working my ass off not only physically but a lot of mental work with myself, my therapist, and my journal. But it's nothing compared to what I've done before with no results, so how can I be unhappy?
I feel so fortunate that I was given this month to recover and heal physically and emotionally. I know there is still a lot of healing to come but I never imagined I could have a month off work with no other focus than to make sure I was getting in the right foods, water, protein, and exercise everyday. It has been an amazing blessing. Now, I get to leave this fantasy dream world where I am my main priority and get back to the world of coworkers, bosses, and clients. I hope that this amazing experience will be something I can take with me as I return back to real life. The sad thing is, this feels like the first time I've experienced "real life." Sigh...
A couple of days later I was getting to my feet a lot better and making sure to keep walking to prevent blood clots and of course because any bit of exercise I could get would quicken my weight loss. I lost 10 lbs in 10 days directly after surgery, which was great, but also encouraged me to weight 3 times a day to see if it was still coming off. Or really coming off. It was, both, all the time.
By the start of my 2nd week, I was feeling pretty decent though still easily tired (that is only now starting to resolve.) I ramped up my activity level and started exploring all the local parks. Walking, walking, walking. No blood clots here. Somewhere around here I also decided I needed to start seeing a therapist and got extremely lucky, hitting it off with someone on the first try who is in network with my insurance. He has dealt with weight loss surgeries and all types of eating disorders and oddly enough has some experience with some of my other issues that are completely not WLS related.
My 3rd week flew by in a blur. I know I was getting more and more active, spending a lot of time thinking about what I was eating (being on soft foods and no longer liquids by this point) and still always wondering if I'm going to lose weight or if this whole thing will have been for nothing. I did have my first moment of certainty that I was going to succeed. But a few days later, a day of equal uncertainty.
Week 4 has gone by quicker than any. I joined a gym, continued to see my therapist, started doing things I technically shouldn't be doing yet like riding my bike and my horse. But like a friend told me, souls need healing too. And it's true. My pony is my spiritual therapy. I also let go of the scale this week. Steve hid it (even though I know where he put it) and I only weighed at the gym which was twice this week.
Tonight, Sunday, I pulled out my scale and got the official number. 240.6. All I know is that on 1/12/10 I was 274 at my doctor's office and on 1/23/10 I was 273 at my surgeon's office. Going by those numbers, it's been 14 weeks and just over 33 lbs. An average of about 2.3 lbs per week. I cannot complain and I only hope that the trend continues. I still can't see the difference on a regular basis but once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see something. Or rather, a lack of something. And overall, it's been pretty easy. I mean, sure I've been working my ass off not only physically but a lot of mental work with myself, my therapist, and my journal. But it's nothing compared to what I've done before with no results, so how can I be unhappy?
I feel so fortunate that I was given this month to recover and heal physically and emotionally. I know there is still a lot of healing to come but I never imagined I could have a month off work with no other focus than to make sure I was getting in the right foods, water, protein, and exercise everyday. It has been an amazing blessing. Now, I get to leave this fantasy dream world where I am my main priority and get back to the world of coworkers, bosses, and clients. I hope that this amazing experience will be something I can take with me as I return back to real life. The sad thing is, this feels like the first time I've experienced "real life." Sigh...
Friday, April 16, 2010
The stuff people say to you when you're fat
I've had a rough time this week dealing with the outside world. Or perhaps they've had a rough time dealing with me. Ok, we've had a rough time dealing with each other and I need to get it all out on paper to process what I'm thinking. I'm going to warn you though, this isn't a happy post. The things I experienced this week made me very angry and ashamed, even though I thought my days of "fat shame" were over. There will probably always be part of me that hurts when poked in this way. Normally I'm better at dealing with it, just letting it roll off my back, and ignoring it. But 2 things happened within 3 days this week and on top of that I'm having some major PMS so my emotions are a bit beyond me anyway.
So experience number 1 was just sort of annoying but I think the fact that it happened 2 days before experience number 2 makes it relevant. And, the two of them piled on top of each other is probably what set me off more than normal.
I got this flier in the mail from a local gym that's just a few minutes from my house, offering a $9.99 a month membership with no contract and no fees. Sounded too good to be true but I figured I'd go in and check it out. I primarily exercise outdoors (bike, horse, walking) and I already have a membership to an indoor rock climbing gym with my partner cause that's our "bonding" activity. Not to be confused with our bondage activity ;) but that's another post.
So, I get there and of course they are on me like flies on garbage and of course the deal they sent around in the mail isn't really what they're offering. But that's beside the point. The point is, I walk in there and they're all "welcome, how can we help you?" and when I say I'd like to join, the FIRST thing I get in response is "Great! When's the last time you exercised?" I was taken aback, to say the least. Did he really just say this? Would he say this to a thin person who walked in? I doubt it. But because I'm fat obviously it warrants the question, "When's the last time you moved faster than you run to the Dairy Queen?"
Now, because hindsight is 20/20, what I should have said was..."Oh, you mean other than yesterday when I did a 5 mile bike, the day before that when I jogged a mile, the day before that when I lifted weights for an hour, and the day before that when I did intervals of sprinting and walking for 45 minutes, or the day before that when I did 5 hours of barn chores and rode my horse?" But I guess I was just so in shock that I fumbled to just tell him that I exercise often. The guys behind the counter were all like "Oh, great, isn't it cute that this fattie thinks she knows how to exercise" Ok, so that's what they came across as, even if they didn't say it. It was a bunch of fake, encouraging smiles and head nodding. So, they just kept emphasizing how great it would be to have me join the gym and how they REALLY wanted me to give it a try and how they KNEW that if I just tried it I'd reach all my goals. Here's something funny too...they gave me a sheet to fill out that asked me what my goals were and I checked the boxes for stuff like "toning up", "relieving stress", "staying active" and yet the guy who was doing the sales pitch just kept throwing in "weight loss" whenever he mentioned the benefits I'd enjoy FOR SURE if I joined. I wish I'd had the balls to stop him every time and say something like, "actually, weight loss isn't my goal." just to piss him off. I often wonder if their heads would explode to hear someone like me point blank tell them weight loss isn't my priority.
Of course, I'm out to lose some weight, yes, but that's not the reason I wanted to join a gym. My lap-band and the diet I follow because of it are going to be what loses the weight. Going to the gym is for precisely the reasons I marked off on the checklist. So even though weight loss is technically a goal, it's certainly none of his business to determine it should be since it wasn't marked on the checklist. But he probably figured I have trouble reading as well as exercising and everything else fatties are bad at, thus he wanted to make sure and emphasize the fact that I could lose weight by joining his gym, since obviously that goal was an oversight on my part.
So part of me wanted to just walk out by this point but I was really determined and I did manage to get myself the $9.99 month-to-month deal which I'm really happy about (after 30 minutes of telling the salesman "no, I don't need to be a member of the gym that badly. $9.99 a month is my limit." I guess his heart just couldn't bare to let me walk away and possibly die of a heart attack due to my lack of exercise that is my certain future if I didn't join his gym.) Ultimately, I am going there for my own enjoyment and convenience and don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me while I'm there. I am planning to not even use the 2 free trainer appointments I get cause it'll just be more of the same, plus trying to sell me on $300 a month packages.
So that was Tuesday. Here's what happened on Thursday. I am a member of groupon.com which if you haven't seen it, is totally great and I've gotten some awesome deals on there. I really enjoy the discounted spa services and a month ago I picked up TWO microdermabrasion sessions for $56 total. For anyone who knows, they usually cost $100+ per session. Micro is one of my favorite things to do for relaxation and leaves my skin so soft. Yay. So I thought I'd nabbed a super deal. Uh... not so much. Turns out this "medi-spa" was more of a plastic surgeon's office in disguise so for one thing it took 4 weeks to get on their books at a time that wasn't ass-crack-of-dawn early in the morning. When I got there , 15 minutes early for my appointment, I was told it might be a "little bit of a wait" and also I started getting the impression that it wasn't quite the spa experience I was hoping for.
Sitting in the waiting room, reading, I took note of my surroundings. Skinny patients coming in and out and ads for everything from botox to tummy tucks all around the place. I felt like I was on an episode of Nip/Tuck except the clients (though thin) were nowhere near as good looking.
An hour went by and I was pretty on edge already, figuring I should just walk out and leave but not wanting to ditch my "spa day" so I hung around. A few minutes later I was called back. Oh yeah, let me just say that there was never any "I'm really sorry it's taking so long, do you need to reschedule?" It was just kinda "deal with it." So I get called back and this woman explains to me she's a nurse. She starts to take my BP and I'm like, "whoa...all this for a microdermabrasion?" I mean I've had probably 10 or more of them in my life and never needed a full medical history or anything. And this is a whole other issue worthy of its own long story, but I have MAJOR anxiety surrounding new doctors I'm not familiar with and this shows up as crazy elevated BP even though my normal BP is 120/70 and any doctor who knows me says I have no actual signs of hypertension, just really don't do well with getting it taken. So I'm already getting myself worked up at this point, knowing that it's going to be high if she does take it, feeling duped into coming to some doctor's office when I signed up for a spa, having had to wait an hour for my appointment with no consideration for anywhere else I had to be that day, and on top of that, she tells me, "It's just something we always do. You never know what kind of medical problems can show up with a simple BP screening. We once had a patient come in for a consult and he didn't know he had high BP and needed medicine for it." Innocent enough, I suppose, but in my mind she was basically saying "Look at you, you probably haven't checked your BP in years and don't have the sense to go to a doctor for regular physicals so it's a good thing you came here cause who knows what kind of issues you might have." I admit, I might be super nuts for taking it this way. I guess it doesn't sound as bad as it felt, but you just had to be there. The way she talked down to me and said I had no choice in the matter and implied that it was for my own good cause she wanted to help me. It all just reeked of subtext that I am not capable of knowing or acting in my own best interest which she so astutely picked up in the 60 seconds she'd known me prior to this.
So, she proceeded to take it even though I was somewhere in the middle of not giving consent for that and of course it was high (I have no idea what, cause I was freaking out by this point. My history is basically getting BP taken = anxiety = high BP = lecture from doctor who doesn't know me or care to understand why it makes me so nervous, which is, like I said a looong story.) She tells me it's high (you think?) and I had to keep myself from yelling at her, but said as calmly as I could, "That's because I have anxiety." Then I got up and left. "Thanks, but this isn't what I signed up for and I'm going to leave now." And I walked out.
It wasn't till I was back at my car that I had a full on anxiety attack. Crying, hyperventilating, everything. I was so angry, disgusted, and most of all just frustrated at my own lack of ability to have calmly told her, "I'm here for microdermabrasion and I decline any other procedures, so you can get whomever will be doing that for me now." But, I did manage to stay calm enough till I was out of there, which is a win for me. And in the end I got groupon to refund my money after telling them of the experience (the hour wait alone was outrageous for having made an appointment a month in advance.) Being that I'm only out my time and a few minutes of sanity, I can't really complain, but damn, it felt like a sucky experience.
Now, I am pretty much ok with these things but at the same time, wishing I could not get so upset. After all, I'm the one who let people get to me. It's my fat shame that I thought I was over that causes the mental issues. If I'd just taken stuff at face value (or no value!) I could have coped. So there's part of me that's angry at others and part of me wondering if I'm just taking things WAY too personally. I am not normally so sensitive, but something about these 2 experiences on top of each other just got to me.
I am so lucky that the people who matter in life are not the random doctor's office or the idiot salesman at the gym. The people who matter - my friends, family, partner, coworkers - do not treat me like this by any means. In my everyday life I'm treated like any other person. A person who is competent to make her own decisions on food and lifestyle and medical procedures. In fact, I'm probably treated better than average by people who have interaction with me because I am better than average. I am smarter than average, more responsible than average, more detail oriented, more capable, more ambitious, more anal and obsessed with making things happen the way I need them to turn out - than average. Perhaps that's why it hurts so much when I come face to face with the outside world who take one look at me and assume that I never exercise and am ignorant about my own health status.
So experience number 1 was just sort of annoying but I think the fact that it happened 2 days before experience number 2 makes it relevant. And, the two of them piled on top of each other is probably what set me off more than normal.
I got this flier in the mail from a local gym that's just a few minutes from my house, offering a $9.99 a month membership with no contract and no fees. Sounded too good to be true but I figured I'd go in and check it out. I primarily exercise outdoors (bike, horse, walking) and I already have a membership to an indoor rock climbing gym with my partner cause that's our "bonding" activity. Not to be confused with our bondage activity ;) but that's another post.
So, I get there and of course they are on me like flies on garbage and of course the deal they sent around in the mail isn't really what they're offering. But that's beside the point. The point is, I walk in there and they're all "welcome, how can we help you?" and when I say I'd like to join, the FIRST thing I get in response is "Great! When's the last time you exercised?" I was taken aback, to say the least. Did he really just say this? Would he say this to a thin person who walked in? I doubt it. But because I'm fat obviously it warrants the question, "When's the last time you moved faster than you run to the Dairy Queen?"
Now, because hindsight is 20/20, what I should have said was..."Oh, you mean other than yesterday when I did a 5 mile bike, the day before that when I jogged a mile, the day before that when I lifted weights for an hour, and the day before that when I did intervals of sprinting and walking for 45 minutes, or the day before that when I did 5 hours of barn chores and rode my horse?" But I guess I was just so in shock that I fumbled to just tell him that I exercise often. The guys behind the counter were all like "Oh, great, isn't it cute that this fattie thinks she knows how to exercise" Ok, so that's what they came across as, even if they didn't say it. It was a bunch of fake, encouraging smiles and head nodding. So, they just kept emphasizing how great it would be to have me join the gym and how they REALLY wanted me to give it a try and how they KNEW that if I just tried it I'd reach all my goals. Here's something funny too...they gave me a sheet to fill out that asked me what my goals were and I checked the boxes for stuff like "toning up", "relieving stress", "staying active" and yet the guy who was doing the sales pitch just kept throwing in "weight loss" whenever he mentioned the benefits I'd enjoy FOR SURE if I joined. I wish I'd had the balls to stop him every time and say something like, "actually, weight loss isn't my goal." just to piss him off. I often wonder if their heads would explode to hear someone like me point blank tell them weight loss isn't my priority.
Of course, I'm out to lose some weight, yes, but that's not the reason I wanted to join a gym. My lap-band and the diet I follow because of it are going to be what loses the weight. Going to the gym is for precisely the reasons I marked off on the checklist. So even though weight loss is technically a goal, it's certainly none of his business to determine it should be since it wasn't marked on the checklist. But he probably figured I have trouble reading as well as exercising and everything else fatties are bad at, thus he wanted to make sure and emphasize the fact that I could lose weight by joining his gym, since obviously that goal was an oversight on my part.
So part of me wanted to just walk out by this point but I was really determined and I did manage to get myself the $9.99 month-to-month deal which I'm really happy about (after 30 minutes of telling the salesman "no, I don't need to be a member of the gym that badly. $9.99 a month is my limit." I guess his heart just couldn't bare to let me walk away and possibly die of a heart attack due to my lack of exercise that is my certain future if I didn't join his gym.) Ultimately, I am going there for my own enjoyment and convenience and don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me while I'm there. I am planning to not even use the 2 free trainer appointments I get cause it'll just be more of the same, plus trying to sell me on $300 a month packages.
So that was Tuesday. Here's what happened on Thursday. I am a member of groupon.com which if you haven't seen it, is totally great and I've gotten some awesome deals on there. I really enjoy the discounted spa services and a month ago I picked up TWO microdermabrasion sessions for $56 total. For anyone who knows, they usually cost $100+ per session. Micro is one of my favorite things to do for relaxation and leaves my skin so soft. Yay. So I thought I'd nabbed a super deal. Uh... not so much. Turns out this "medi-spa" was more of a plastic surgeon's office in disguise so for one thing it took 4 weeks to get on their books at a time that wasn't ass-crack-of-dawn early in the morning. When I got there , 15 minutes early for my appointment, I was told it might be a "little bit of a wait" and also I started getting the impression that it wasn't quite the spa experience I was hoping for.
Sitting in the waiting room, reading, I took note of my surroundings. Skinny patients coming in and out and ads for everything from botox to tummy tucks all around the place. I felt like I was on an episode of Nip/Tuck except the clients (though thin) were nowhere near as good looking.
An hour went by and I was pretty on edge already, figuring I should just walk out and leave but not wanting to ditch my "spa day" so I hung around. A few minutes later I was called back. Oh yeah, let me just say that there was never any "I'm really sorry it's taking so long, do you need to reschedule?" It was just kinda "deal with it." So I get called back and this woman explains to me she's a nurse. She starts to take my BP and I'm like, "whoa...all this for a microdermabrasion?" I mean I've had probably 10 or more of them in my life and never needed a full medical history or anything. And this is a whole other issue worthy of its own long story, but I have MAJOR anxiety surrounding new doctors I'm not familiar with and this shows up as crazy elevated BP even though my normal BP is 120/70 and any doctor who knows me says I have no actual signs of hypertension, just really don't do well with getting it taken. So I'm already getting myself worked up at this point, knowing that it's going to be high if she does take it, feeling duped into coming to some doctor's office when I signed up for a spa, having had to wait an hour for my appointment with no consideration for anywhere else I had to be that day, and on top of that, she tells me, "It's just something we always do. You never know what kind of medical problems can show up with a simple BP screening. We once had a patient come in for a consult and he didn't know he had high BP and needed medicine for it." Innocent enough, I suppose, but in my mind she was basically saying "Look at you, you probably haven't checked your BP in years and don't have the sense to go to a doctor for regular physicals so it's a good thing you came here cause who knows what kind of issues you might have." I admit, I might be super nuts for taking it this way. I guess it doesn't sound as bad as it felt, but you just had to be there. The way she talked down to me and said I had no choice in the matter and implied that it was for my own good cause she wanted to help me. It all just reeked of subtext that I am not capable of knowing or acting in my own best interest which she so astutely picked up in the 60 seconds she'd known me prior to this.
So, she proceeded to take it even though I was somewhere in the middle of not giving consent for that and of course it was high (I have no idea what, cause I was freaking out by this point. My history is basically getting BP taken = anxiety = high BP = lecture from doctor who doesn't know me or care to understand why it makes me so nervous, which is, like I said a looong story.) She tells me it's high (you think?) and I had to keep myself from yelling at her, but said as calmly as I could, "That's because I have anxiety." Then I got up and left. "Thanks, but this isn't what I signed up for and I'm going to leave now." And I walked out.
It wasn't till I was back at my car that I had a full on anxiety attack. Crying, hyperventilating, everything. I was so angry, disgusted, and most of all just frustrated at my own lack of ability to have calmly told her, "I'm here for microdermabrasion and I decline any other procedures, so you can get whomever will be doing that for me now." But, I did manage to stay calm enough till I was out of there, which is a win for me. And in the end I got groupon to refund my money after telling them of the experience (the hour wait alone was outrageous for having made an appointment a month in advance.) Being that I'm only out my time and a few minutes of sanity, I can't really complain, but damn, it felt like a sucky experience.
Now, I am pretty much ok with these things but at the same time, wishing I could not get so upset. After all, I'm the one who let people get to me. It's my fat shame that I thought I was over that causes the mental issues. If I'd just taken stuff at face value (or no value!) I could have coped. So there's part of me that's angry at others and part of me wondering if I'm just taking things WAY too personally. I am not normally so sensitive, but something about these 2 experiences on top of each other just got to me.
I am so lucky that the people who matter in life are not the random doctor's office or the idiot salesman at the gym. The people who matter - my friends, family, partner, coworkers - do not treat me like this by any means. In my everyday life I'm treated like any other person. A person who is competent to make her own decisions on food and lifestyle and medical procedures. In fact, I'm probably treated better than average by people who have interaction with me because I am better than average. I am smarter than average, more responsible than average, more detail oriented, more capable, more ambitious, more anal and obsessed with making things happen the way I need them to turn out - than average. Perhaps that's why it hurts so much when I come face to face with the outside world who take one look at me and assume that I never exercise and am ignorant about my own health status.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The rollercoaster continues
This past weekend, I had an amazing time. Visited a friend that I haven't seen in forever and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The downside of this is that I did not follow the best eating practices I've been trying to develop lately but the good news is that I didn't "go crazy" the way I see it. Even though eating a normal amount (like 8 pieces of sushi) felt like I'd eaten my weight in fat, I spent Saturday and Sunday indulging and jumped right back onto my plan Monday morning. I made the mistake of hopping on the scale Sunday night and I was (of course) up a few lbs from the last time I'd weighed. I also am expecting my period which hasn't come yet and I know I'm holding on to water or something cause of that. I just wish it were really as predictable and dependable as "calories in - calories out" but I have to accept that it just isn't. That may be a good start but it's definitely not everything.
Anyway, I have decided to get rid of the scale. I joined a gym and they have one there, which means I'll be limited to obsessing a few times a week instead of every morning. Still not sure what to do with the old scale. Actually, it's a new scale that I bought a couple of months ago but it doesn't really seem accurate and it has not once delivered on the promise of bone density, hydration, and body fat % like is claims. I keep getting an error. Apparently I don't have any water or bone density... I guess?
So in terms of the roller coaster, it's interesting how my feelings about myself and how I'm doing can change so much from day to day. I do know that if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be (eating right, drinking water, exercising, taking my vitamins) I feel much better on a given day than if I'm not. And since I've been doing all the right stuff most of the time, I've been feeling pretty good. But it does suck when I have a day I just can't bring myself to do everything and then I feel really crappy. But I heard something important the other day. It's like the stock market. When it goes up, it's not all at once in a straight line...it goes up and down, up and down, but more up than down. That'll be me...eventually I'll get where I want to go. Have to keep telling myself that and some days I believe it.
Anyway, I have decided to get rid of the scale. I joined a gym and they have one there, which means I'll be limited to obsessing a few times a week instead of every morning. Still not sure what to do with the old scale. Actually, it's a new scale that I bought a couple of months ago but it doesn't really seem accurate and it has not once delivered on the promise of bone density, hydration, and body fat % like is claims. I keep getting an error. Apparently I don't have any water or bone density... I guess?
So in terms of the roller coaster, it's interesting how my feelings about myself and how I'm doing can change so much from day to day. I do know that if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be (eating right, drinking water, exercising, taking my vitamins) I feel much better on a given day than if I'm not. And since I've been doing all the right stuff most of the time, I've been feeling pretty good. But it does suck when I have a day I just can't bring myself to do everything and then I feel really crappy. But I heard something important the other day. It's like the stock market. When it goes up, it's not all at once in a straight line...it goes up and down, up and down, but more up than down. That'll be me...eventually I'll get where I want to go. Have to keep telling myself that and some days I believe it.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Lies, lies, lies!
I have a really dysfunctional relationship with my scale. Not afraid to admit it. I've told Steve to lock it up and hide it but then I really needed it and he caved ;) Lol. I'm like a junkie.
The good thing for now is that every time I get on it it's either the same or lower. But that's also part of the problem. I don't trust the damn thing further than I could throw it. Ok, yes, it's not that heavy so I could throw it pretty far, but you know what I mean.
Today, for example, got on first thing in the morning and I was down about a pound from yesterday morning. Then I realized Steve had moved it when opening a window last night so sometimes the first reading isn't accurate and it needs to "reset." So I got back on - literally 30 seconds later - and I was 2 lbs less than yesterday. I hate it when this happens. So figuring I'd do best 2 out of 3 (i.e. see if I could get the same reading twice) I got on again and it was 3 lbs less than yesterday!
It's been about an hour so I tried again to see if I could get a match and luckily (for my sanity) it came up at the middle number. So that's what I'll go with for today. But I can't help feeling like the stupid thing is always lying to me. And of course, inherent in that is that I haven't really lost the 30lbs it says I have. Good thing I go to see my new shrink today. 3rd appointment...we've passed through my history and will be on to my craziness today for sure!
The good thing for now is that every time I get on it it's either the same or lower. But that's also part of the problem. I don't trust the damn thing further than I could throw it. Ok, yes, it's not that heavy so I could throw it pretty far, but you know what I mean.
Today, for example, got on first thing in the morning and I was down about a pound from yesterday morning. Then I realized Steve had moved it when opening a window last night so sometimes the first reading isn't accurate and it needs to "reset." So I got back on - literally 30 seconds later - and I was 2 lbs less than yesterday. I hate it when this happens. So figuring I'd do best 2 out of 3 (i.e. see if I could get the same reading twice) I got on again and it was 3 lbs less than yesterday!
It's been about an hour so I tried again to see if I could get a match and luckily (for my sanity) it came up at the middle number. So that's what I'll go with for today. But I can't help feeling like the stupid thing is always lying to me. And of course, inherent in that is that I haven't really lost the 30lbs it says I have. Good thing I go to see my new shrink today. 3rd appointment...we've passed through my history and will be on to my craziness today for sure!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
And the scale keeps moving
Despite everyone telling me that it's not supposed to at this point (3 weeks post op) my scale continues to move. Slowly but surely, and sometimes staying the same for a few days, but constantly inching downward. On the other hand, probably not all that slowly...it just seems that way when you weigh every day. I know I'm not supposed to be doing that but plenty of people do and I think it helps me feel like I'm on track.
So, today I am 244.2. On the morning of surgery I was 260. Um...that's like 15 lbs! And tomorrow is my 3 week surgi-versary! So averaging 5lbs a week right now. Ok, I take back the part about it being slow. I'm still in denial over if it's really "working" but I am taking weekly photos and of course the numerical proof is there. I'm definitely worried about what's going to happen when the scale stalls for more than a few days because I'll admit the numbers do help me get through the day. I am completely willing to put in all the work of counting calories and stuff and making sure I get exercise every day, as long as I'm seeing results. But if I start gaining weight for any reason I can see this turning bad very fast. Right now, even though I do get full on very little and stay full longer, I am constantly having to remind myself that no, I'm not actually hungry, when I think I might be. In my past life, I would have just taken that signal and ran with it. Because it didn't matter. Because limiting myself to any number of calories never actually worked and left me very run down. Now it's working and I don't want to go back there.
So, today I am 244.2. On the morning of surgery I was 260. Um...that's like 15 lbs! And tomorrow is my 3 week surgi-versary! So averaging 5lbs a week right now. Ok, I take back the part about it being slow. I'm still in denial over if it's really "working" but I am taking weekly photos and of course the numerical proof is there. I'm definitely worried about what's going to happen when the scale stalls for more than a few days because I'll admit the numbers do help me get through the day. I am completely willing to put in all the work of counting calories and stuff and making sure I get exercise every day, as long as I'm seeing results. But if I start gaining weight for any reason I can see this turning bad very fast. Right now, even though I do get full on very little and stay full longer, I am constantly having to remind myself that no, I'm not actually hungry, when I think I might be. In my past life, I would have just taken that signal and ran with it. Because it didn't matter. Because limiting myself to any number of calories never actually worked and left me very run down. Now it's working and I don't want to go back there.
Friday, April 2, 2010
2 weeks out
The past 2 weeks have flown by and I am amazed to find my time off work half over already (sad face) but my recovery is going quite well (happy face.)
I have been doing my best to "stay active" as the surgeon recommends and I wonder sometimes if I'm overdoing it. But hey, it's working so I'm not complaining. I have walked several miles almost every day since my 3rd day out from surgery. Yesterday was the big exception. It was beautiful out and I stayed inside all day cause I just really needed a catch up day. I've been going above and beyond what other people are and I know because I had my two week follow up appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday and was met with a lot of positive feedback.
One thing you have to understand about all of this is that there is your goal weight and then there is your goal weight. For example, my goal weight is 180. It's where I think I would be really comfortable and feel great. But since I can't ever remember being 180, who knows? Then there is 150. 30 lbs less than I really "want" to be but it's considered normal by the BMI charts. Now, don't get me started on the idiocy of BMI as a measure...but for the purpose of this, let's assume that 150 is where I "need" to be even if it's not where "want" to be. That means that my EW (excess weight) started at 123 lbs and with Lap Band, the average person can expect to lose 50% of their EW by 3 years post op.
So, when I went into the doctor at 2 weeks post op and had already lost 24.1 lbs/19% of my EW, they were pleasantly surprised. I got teased by the nurse, "How's our little athlete doing?" and my surgeon remarked "You've been busy." Well, I've certainly been trying, and like I said, making a big effort to be as active as possible every day within the restrictions I still face (no bicycling, no horseback riding, no rock climbing, no lifting anything more than 15lbs...) But, in my opinion, doing anything less than what I have been would just be sub-par for me. I've got an able body, why wouldn't I use it? Don't get me wrong, I love being told I'm doing well, but I hold myself to pretty high standards and I am not aiming to do this halfway or even average.
The nurse remarked to me that most people have lost 7-10% of their excess weight by their 2 week follow up. I'll admit I felt almost guilty for having done more. So I told her that a lot of it was done before surgery, which is the truth. Which also scares me because I feel like I should have lost more since surgery than before it but then again, the before surgery time ranged from 1/23/10-3/17/10 and the after surgery time has only spanned 16 days now. There's no real way I could have lost more after than before. In response to my remark, she commented that I must have been implementing some of the "lifestyle changes" before surgery...and I guess...maybe? But that kind of remark sort of ticks me off too since I consider myself to have always lived a good lifestyle. It wasn't really that I was doing anything different before surgery except becoming more aware of the calories I consumed daily and for the 2 weeks that I was on a pre-op liquid diet it was shear will power to stay on broths and stuff to help shrink my liver and get used to what I would face post op.
I know she was just trying to be positive but it sort of felt like one of those remarks that's meant to convey that the only reason I was fat to begin with is because I didn't know how to eat right or exercise. Wow, if only eating right and exercising had done it for me the first 20 times I tried...
To be honest, the 2 weeks since surgery have not been that bad. The first few days sucked but what I really love is that now (whether it's due to swelling, the band itself, or the placebo effect) I can be happy and full for several hours eating 1/2 cup of pureed food with about 250 calories. Do that a few times a day with some small snacks thrown in (I mean seriously, 5 saltine crackers and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter. I never would have called that a snack in my previous life!) and it's hard not to be losing weight. Last time I tried 1000 calories a day, I couldn't keep it up for more than a month. But so far with this I feel like I could do it for as long as I need to. As long as I keep getting the results I want, I am happy to put in the effort. That's the whole reason dieting never worked for me in the past. Extreme hunger + extreme calorie restriction + extreme exercise = nothing? 5 lbs? WTF?
So this "success" thing is pretty new - in this area of life at least. Hence the extreme fear of failure. Nope, not afraid to admit it.
I have been doing my best to "stay active" as the surgeon recommends and I wonder sometimes if I'm overdoing it. But hey, it's working so I'm not complaining. I have walked several miles almost every day since my 3rd day out from surgery. Yesterday was the big exception. It was beautiful out and I stayed inside all day cause I just really needed a catch up day. I've been going above and beyond what other people are and I know because I had my two week follow up appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday and was met with a lot of positive feedback.
One thing you have to understand about all of this is that there is your goal weight and then there is your goal weight. For example, my goal weight is 180. It's where I think I would be really comfortable and feel great. But since I can't ever remember being 180, who knows? Then there is 150. 30 lbs less than I really "want" to be but it's considered normal by the BMI charts. Now, don't get me started on the idiocy of BMI as a measure...but for the purpose of this, let's assume that 150 is where I "need" to be even if it's not where "want" to be. That means that my EW (excess weight) started at 123 lbs and with Lap Band, the average person can expect to lose 50% of their EW by 3 years post op.
So, when I went into the doctor at 2 weeks post op and had already lost 24.1 lbs/19% of my EW, they were pleasantly surprised. I got teased by the nurse, "How's our little athlete doing?" and my surgeon remarked "You've been busy." Well, I've certainly been trying, and like I said, making a big effort to be as active as possible every day within the restrictions I still face (no bicycling, no horseback riding, no rock climbing, no lifting anything more than 15lbs...) But, in my opinion, doing anything less than what I have been would just be sub-par for me. I've got an able body, why wouldn't I use it? Don't get me wrong, I love being told I'm doing well, but I hold myself to pretty high standards and I am not aiming to do this halfway or even average.
The nurse remarked to me that most people have lost 7-10% of their excess weight by their 2 week follow up. I'll admit I felt almost guilty for having done more. So I told her that a lot of it was done before surgery, which is the truth. Which also scares me because I feel like I should have lost more since surgery than before it but then again, the before surgery time ranged from 1/23/10-3/17/10 and the after surgery time has only spanned 16 days now. There's no real way I could have lost more after than before. In response to my remark, she commented that I must have been implementing some of the "lifestyle changes" before surgery...and I guess...maybe? But that kind of remark sort of ticks me off too since I consider myself to have always lived a good lifestyle. It wasn't really that I was doing anything different before surgery except becoming more aware of the calories I consumed daily and for the 2 weeks that I was on a pre-op liquid diet it was shear will power to stay on broths and stuff to help shrink my liver and get used to what I would face post op.
I know she was just trying to be positive but it sort of felt like one of those remarks that's meant to convey that the only reason I was fat to begin with is because I didn't know how to eat right or exercise. Wow, if only eating right and exercising had done it for me the first 20 times I tried...
To be honest, the 2 weeks since surgery have not been that bad. The first few days sucked but what I really love is that now (whether it's due to swelling, the band itself, or the placebo effect) I can be happy and full for several hours eating 1/2 cup of pureed food with about 250 calories. Do that a few times a day with some small snacks thrown in (I mean seriously, 5 saltine crackers and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter. I never would have called that a snack in my previous life!) and it's hard not to be losing weight. Last time I tried 1000 calories a day, I couldn't keep it up for more than a month. But so far with this I feel like I could do it for as long as I need to. As long as I keep getting the results I want, I am happy to put in the effort. That's the whole reason dieting never worked for me in the past. Extreme hunger + extreme calorie restriction + extreme exercise = nothing? 5 lbs? WTF?
So this "success" thing is pretty new - in this area of life at least. Hence the extreme fear of failure. Nope, not afraid to admit it.
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