So it finally started. I find myself back on the first "diet" I ever remember joining (I was 8 years old last time I did it with my mom.) I am hoping that by doing it again I can really stay committed to losing my last 30 lbs. No doubt I've come so far on my own with this band and I'm sure I could continue doing it but I don't want to take any chances. Plus, I've constantly been struggling throughout my time with the band between what is the right way to eat... low carb seems to make me drop weight the quickest and most reliably but it doesn't work in the longrun only because I really enjoy whole grains and should be able to have those "good carb" things once in a while without it throwing off my entire weight loss efforts. I also know I'm sugar sensitive so it's ok to avoid sugary and processed stuff most of the time but WW allows for and encourages treating yourself to stay motivated. So it seems too good to be true, right? I'm allotted 29 points according to my group leader who didn't input the calculations (just eyeballed me) but actually 31 according to the calculator. I'm probably on the cusp and will lose the 2 extra ones by next week but I may try to aim for 29 anyway. I've found 31 was not easy to eat all of today except that I'm ending my night with a 30-gram-protein shake both to finish off the unused points and as a treat cause it's my favorite new recipe (8oz 1% milk, 8 oz decaf hazelnut coffee, 1 scoop chocolate whey powder, ice) That makes a 20oz chocolate frappuccino and id 7 points in case you were wondering. Normally this is my breakfast (don't report me to the band police! I can't do enough solid food before noon to get a good protein start to my day.)
So here you go, my official review of WW and the Points Plus program (blech at the marketing scheme) as well as my WW@work program.
The good:
Convenient. It's right in my office building, once a week, for 45 minutes. You can't get any better than that and if it weren't for that, I wouldn't have joined. I live 5 minutes from a local WW chapter which is nice in case I ever miss a work meeting and need to get my meeting in but really, I know that if I joined an outside of work location I'd never go.
The program. It's definitely better than it used to be. Fruits and vegetables are unlimited and free so (I don't know about you) but it makes me want to try eating an apple or banana first and if I'm still hungry, go for a small amount of peanut butter or chocolate or something I really love rather than starting with the richer foods. It's great that WW finally got with the program and decided that a 100 calorie apple is in fact NOT the same to your body as a 100 calorie oreo pack! For crying out loud, it took them long enough! I'm super happy with the way foods are calculating out in the new points plus system and luckily I'm finding that most of what I already eat is well within my ability to keep eating. If anything, I am going to eat more fruits and vegetables and not much else differently because I've avoided fruits due to calories. Can't wait for spring and summer and all the fresh stuff!
The bad:
Their scale! OMG if I didn't flip a shit this morning at the weigh in. Listen to this. On my doctor's scale last week I was 184.5 which is the same as I was at home on my scale with clothes. I've since dropped to 180.6 unclothed and am jumping for joy at being out of the 180s ALMOST for good. Then I step onto their scale today, expecting it to be like 183-4 (no shoes) and it's 187! I know it's just a number but it bumps me back to a bad mental place cause I was stuck at 187 for several months. When I got home, I'm not going to lie, the first thing I did was get naked and jump on my scale. 181.6, thank goodness! The difference is due to whatever I've eaten or drank today, who cares, but nowhere close to 187. Now that I am reassured I didn't magically gain several pounds back I'm ok. I've been lucky enough up to this point that Dr. A's scale aligns so closely with my own that I know what it's going to say by stepping on my with clothes before I leave, so no surprises. I'm thinking of putting my home scale away for the next 12 weeks though since the only one that's going to matter is the WW one. In fact, I just told Steve to remove the scale from the bathroom. I am going to try following WW and using their scale and seeing what happens without obsessing over it daily. Keyword here: try!
The merch. I'm talking MAJOR merch. WW is a business, let us not forget. They have everything for sale and don't think that anything you buy now is going to last long cause they'll be out with a new plan soon enough or tweaking this one or whatever and you'll have to buy more. I bought the $5.95 points calculator and also have the droid app but I'd have to pay 12.95 a month to keep my "etools" subscription going beyond the 14 week period (unless I rejoin I guess.) So investing in the little pocket calculator will let me keep going as long as I want to follow points even if I'm not enrolled. So what are these magical points? Interestingly they no longer measure calories when calculating them. You account for protein, fat, carbs, fiber. Stuff that's high in protein and fiber and low in fat/carbs gets low points. Stuff high in fat and carbs with little protein/fiber gets high points. And fruits and vegetables are free as long as they aren't starchy or fatty ones. Too bad I can't eat unlimited avocados, my favorite! But overall it definitely is pointing you in the direction of eating healthier and not just eating less. It's kind of the same "diet" so many other people and groups have been preaching. Load up on fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, whole grains, and use fats and processed foods sparingly. Not that much too it.
Well, we will see. I am sooo not changing my tickers back up to 187 though. I will change them all to 181.6 and leave them there till I go back to Dr. A on 2/25 and I'll update with his scale's number which corresponds close enough to mine. This will be exciting. Can I do it? And by do it, I don't mean lose 30 more lbs, I mean keep myself from getting on the scale 4 times a day! ;)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
It's January 24th...
And I am on pureed food, not hungry much at all, and was 182.8 this morning. Thank goodness I may have finally crawled out of the 184 sand-trap I was in for a while.
Here's the report from my visit to Dr. A last Friday:
I arrived at 8:30, exactly on time but nearly having run out of gas in my prius. I was pushing it and the "miles till fuel" went from 10 directly to 0 so I seriously thought I was going to have to push my car the last half mile to the office. Luckily this did not happen. I hadn't intend to cut it so close but left home with 45 miles till fuel and it's not that far to his office so I figured I could make it and get gas after. I was holding my breath the entire way though!
I got weighed and registered 184.4 with clothes on, down from 197 at my last visit (3 months prior.) I'm averaging just 1 lb per week for that span of time but Dr. A was ecstatic. My little info sheet says I have no lost 75% of my excess weight. Dr. A says that the average Lap-Band patient 1 year post op has lost 30% of their excess weight. I cannot believe this, it sounds like horrible results! Who would get a surgery that promises something so underwhelming? I'm glad I did but I'm also glad I am so determined and fight hard to not be average. I feel sorry for people who have not had the same results as me because I know how angry I would be if I had only lost 30 lbs since surgery (not yet a year out, but still.)
So anyway, he indicated that I was doing so well that I probably didn't need an adjustment and I told him how hungry I'd been lately (especially after 3pm) and how I'd been tracking my calories and it took 1600-1800 to satisfy me. He said that I had a significant amount of fluid in my band but agreed to do a fill anyway. I asked for a small amount (.25 or smaller.) Then, as he was pulling out the fluid I asked him how much I had and he was surprised to find it was less than he expected. I knew that a miscalculation had happened somewhere along the line. I'm pretty sure I should have only had 4.75 - he had thought I should have 5.5. Turns out I was right (he had forgotten to subtract a bit he took out once in my first fill.) So I guess he felt better about adjusting since I didn't have as much as he thought I did. He gave me .5 even though I really had only wanted .25 but he's the expert, right?
So, I spent the whole weekend on liquids and started having soft foods a bit yesterday, no trouble so far. Just not hungry. Though I feel kind of weak and like I need food, I'm not physically hungry and not complaining. I've been slowly making it through my 20oz of protein shake for the last few hours. Not sure if I'll be able to get in all my water. I normally take a while for the swelling from the fill to go down and plus, now I've got .5CCs more than I used to and I already was generally tight till about 3pm. That's where the trouble started. At 3pm it was like a switch would get flipped and I would be insatiable. I tracked my calories and nutrients really well for the week before my appointment and was finding I had to eat up to 1800 calories of protein, fat, and complex carbs to be satisfied. I think I'm safely back in the close-to-1000 range since my fill. I do love that feeling of just not being hungry and welcome it back again.
In other news, my first Weight Watchers at Work meeting was today. But it wasn't a real meeting, disappointingly. It was just an intro session to get signed up. We'll start next Monday for real with a weigh in. I will probably be at 180 by then, I can only hope. It would be amazing to lose 2lbs a week and be at my goal "ideal weight" of 155 by the time the 12 week session is up. It's almost too good to be true to think I could be so close and my goal so attainable, but really, if I stick with the program and utilize the support and of course working with my band and keeping up the exercise, there's no reason why I can't do it.
Ugh, the exercise has been an issue. It's been so cold out, I've been staying up way too late at night, and I've been waking up more tired than normal and with some muscle pain. Especially yesterday and today, having quite a back ache that I've never felt before. As long as I'm not eating much, I don't feel the need to exercise more than my normal walking, zumba, and barn stuff affords me. If I'm at 1000 calories a day or close to it, I don't need to go crazy (nor do I have the energy to, I think.) But I do miss the activity and felt so good all those days I got to the gym before work. I want all these aches and pains to go away and for the weather to get better so I can enjoy exercising again.
Anyway, enough bitching. Been 30 minutes since I finished my protein shake, I think I'll try my pureed chicken salad for lunch.
Here's the report from my visit to Dr. A last Friday:
I arrived at 8:30, exactly on time but nearly having run out of gas in my prius. I was pushing it and the "miles till fuel" went from 10 directly to 0 so I seriously thought I was going to have to push my car the last half mile to the office. Luckily this did not happen. I hadn't intend to cut it so close but left home with 45 miles till fuel and it's not that far to his office so I figured I could make it and get gas after. I was holding my breath the entire way though!
I got weighed and registered 184.4 with clothes on, down from 197 at my last visit (3 months prior.) I'm averaging just 1 lb per week for that span of time but Dr. A was ecstatic. My little info sheet says I have no lost 75% of my excess weight. Dr. A says that the average Lap-Band patient 1 year post op has lost 30% of their excess weight. I cannot believe this, it sounds like horrible results! Who would get a surgery that promises something so underwhelming? I'm glad I did but I'm also glad I am so determined and fight hard to not be average. I feel sorry for people who have not had the same results as me because I know how angry I would be if I had only lost 30 lbs since surgery (not yet a year out, but still.)
So anyway, he indicated that I was doing so well that I probably didn't need an adjustment and I told him how hungry I'd been lately (especially after 3pm) and how I'd been tracking my calories and it took 1600-1800 to satisfy me. He said that I had a significant amount of fluid in my band but agreed to do a fill anyway. I asked for a small amount (.25 or smaller.) Then, as he was pulling out the fluid I asked him how much I had and he was surprised to find it was less than he expected. I knew that a miscalculation had happened somewhere along the line. I'm pretty sure I should have only had 4.75 - he had thought I should have 5.5. Turns out I was right (he had forgotten to subtract a bit he took out once in my first fill.) So I guess he felt better about adjusting since I didn't have as much as he thought I did. He gave me .5 even though I really had only wanted .25 but he's the expert, right?
So, I spent the whole weekend on liquids and started having soft foods a bit yesterday, no trouble so far. Just not hungry. Though I feel kind of weak and like I need food, I'm not physically hungry and not complaining. I've been slowly making it through my 20oz of protein shake for the last few hours. Not sure if I'll be able to get in all my water. I normally take a while for the swelling from the fill to go down and plus, now I've got .5CCs more than I used to and I already was generally tight till about 3pm. That's where the trouble started. At 3pm it was like a switch would get flipped and I would be insatiable. I tracked my calories and nutrients really well for the week before my appointment and was finding I had to eat up to 1800 calories of protein, fat, and complex carbs to be satisfied. I think I'm safely back in the close-to-1000 range since my fill. I do love that feeling of just not being hungry and welcome it back again.
In other news, my first Weight Watchers at Work meeting was today. But it wasn't a real meeting, disappointingly. It was just an intro session to get signed up. We'll start next Monday for real with a weigh in. I will probably be at 180 by then, I can only hope. It would be amazing to lose 2lbs a week and be at my goal "ideal weight" of 155 by the time the 12 week session is up. It's almost too good to be true to think I could be so close and my goal so attainable, but really, if I stick with the program and utilize the support and of course working with my band and keeping up the exercise, there's no reason why I can't do it.
Ugh, the exercise has been an issue. It's been so cold out, I've been staying up way too late at night, and I've been waking up more tired than normal and with some muscle pain. Especially yesterday and today, having quite a back ache that I've never felt before. As long as I'm not eating much, I don't feel the need to exercise more than my normal walking, zumba, and barn stuff affords me. If I'm at 1000 calories a day or close to it, I don't need to go crazy (nor do I have the energy to, I think.) But I do miss the activity and felt so good all those days I got to the gym before work. I want all these aches and pains to go away and for the weather to get better so I can enjoy exercising again.
Anyway, enough bitching. Been 30 minutes since I finished my protein shake, I think I'll try my pureed chicken salad for lunch.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Year...same stuff
Time for an update. I am not updating my tickers but I have to fess up, I was back at 187 this morning. These things happen but I'm really tired of bouncing between 184 and 187. If I go a few days eating only protein and green vegetables I drop 3 lbs instantly. If I go a couple of days eating crap like I did since New Year's Eve, I gain it instantly. I have my next appointment with Dr. A on 1/22 which is oddly enough 1 year to the date from my first consult with him! My goal is to be at 183 on HIS scale (which means with clothes) which means about 180 on my own. I know I'm overly obsessed with numbers and goals but it gives me something to aim for and without goals I tend to get way off track.
For the new year I have joined Weight Watchers (sessions don't start till the end of this month), signed up for Zumba classes being offered 2 nights a week at my office (first one is tonight, so we'll see...), have an appointment scheduled with the at-work nutritionist, and will be starting every-other week riding lessons next Tuesday night. If I can just keep all of this up while managing to not get behind in work and my personal life, I know I'll hit my goal.
Well, off to Zumba!
For the new year I have joined Weight Watchers (sessions don't start till the end of this month), signed up for Zumba classes being offered 2 nights a week at my office (first one is tonight, so we'll see...), have an appointment scheduled with the at-work nutritionist, and will be starting every-other week riding lessons next Tuesday night. If I can just keep all of this up while managing to not get behind in work and my personal life, I know I'll hit my goal.
Well, off to Zumba!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The damn 180s and other realizations
Wow, look at me, I'm complaining about being in the 180s - a weight I think I would have sold my right arm to be a year ago. I'm not trying to complain. I am actually trying to take a step back, regain perspective, and appreciate everything I've been through, how far I've come, and all of that. But it is still hard in the moment to feel as though nothing has changed. I'm closing in on 90 lbs lost and my body feels the same to me. Sure, some things feel vastly different - like exercise for example. Last night I did a light jog on the treadmill for 25 minutes and even 5.5 mph felt like nothing. I've worked up to short intervals (2 minutes) of 7mph so it's funny to go back and realize that 5.5 is a breeze when it used to be a struggle. And tonight I plan on riding my horse, which has gotten more and more pleasant, fun, and just plain easy to do each month. But I've been in the 180s for a month, I think, and I'm still just at 186 so I'm not close to getting out of them yet.
As for the other realizations, well... I've revised my goal to lose 1 lb per week which means I am eating a lot more liberally than I have been but I am also exercising a lot more than I had been in a while too. I've started a 6 day per week exercise routine that includes alternating resistance and cardio every other day and resting on the 7th. So far so good, up until I hurt myself at the barn Sunday night and got told by the doctor not to do any hard exercise till I'm better. I bruised a vocal chord (long story, don't ask) but he said any straining could do more damage to my insides. So I rested on Monday, did a light jog on Tuesday, going to ride the horse today, and hopefully will be able to do some light weightlifting tomorrow.
My old goal had been to be at 173 by 1/1/11 which would be 100 lbs lost. That was very ambitious and I'm ok not making it there. It's definitely not going to happen now. But, if I can just lose 1 lb per week from now till 3/17/11, I will have made it to 100 lbs lost in my first year post-op which would make me VERY happy. I feel like that's such a big marker and that if I could get to it then I could relax and it might take me another year to lose the final 20 lbs but that would be fine. Of course, knowing myself, I'll make it to that goal and then I'll decide I need to keep pushing through at lb per week and make it to my ultimate goal of 155 by August. Well, that's still a long way off. I need to make it to my first goal of 173 first and then I can worry about the last 18-20 lbs.
I'm also coming to terms with body image in general. I still don't see myself the way I am, I suppose (or maybe the problem is I always saw myself as a size 12 even when I was a 24.) However you frame it, I just don't look different to myself now than I did a year ago. My belly is still huge, my face is still chubby, my arms are flabby, my thighs are ginormous. And I'm realizing that just being a certain number on the scale is not going to change the way I see myself. And just because I will soon be able to wear size 10 clothes doesn't mean I will love every part of my body. I don't see myself as a thin or even average person but I am starting to understand how even thin and average people can still not love every part of their body for one reason or another. It's silly and I know eventually I work through it and get over it, but until my perception catches up with reality it's just all the more difficult.
I don't mean to be complaining though, really. Things are going very well and I need to remember that. I am able to eat well and enjoy a wide variety of foods and ever since I stopped taking the pills that were causing me issues I haven't had any stuck or vomiting or PBing or anything of the sort. I knew it wasn't supposed to be THAT hard. Shiiiit.
You know what one of the hardest things is? Getting in 80oz of water each day. I keep switching around varieties of sugar free drinks, diet lemonade, teas, stuff like that. My newest favorite is iced/water diluted herbal mint tea with splenda. I used to be able to use a straw to make it quicker and easier to get it all in but the straw finally started causing trouble with introducing extra air into my stomach, too much burping, stuff like that, so I gave them up. Drinking not only makes me have to pee, it makes me cold (I'm already cold all the time anyway so that's no fun) and when I'm not hungry or thirsty it's just plain annoying to have to keep drinking. But I try and it definitely is helpful to the end goal.
As for the other realizations, well... I've revised my goal to lose 1 lb per week which means I am eating a lot more liberally than I have been but I am also exercising a lot more than I had been in a while too. I've started a 6 day per week exercise routine that includes alternating resistance and cardio every other day and resting on the 7th. So far so good, up until I hurt myself at the barn Sunday night and got told by the doctor not to do any hard exercise till I'm better. I bruised a vocal chord (long story, don't ask) but he said any straining could do more damage to my insides. So I rested on Monday, did a light jog on Tuesday, going to ride the horse today, and hopefully will be able to do some light weightlifting tomorrow.
My old goal had been to be at 173 by 1/1/11 which would be 100 lbs lost. That was very ambitious and I'm ok not making it there. It's definitely not going to happen now. But, if I can just lose 1 lb per week from now till 3/17/11, I will have made it to 100 lbs lost in my first year post-op which would make me VERY happy. I feel like that's such a big marker and that if I could get to it then I could relax and it might take me another year to lose the final 20 lbs but that would be fine. Of course, knowing myself, I'll make it to that goal and then I'll decide I need to keep pushing through at lb per week and make it to my ultimate goal of 155 by August. Well, that's still a long way off. I need to make it to my first goal of 173 first and then I can worry about the last 18-20 lbs.
I'm also coming to terms with body image in general. I still don't see myself the way I am, I suppose (or maybe the problem is I always saw myself as a size 12 even when I was a 24.) However you frame it, I just don't look different to myself now than I did a year ago. My belly is still huge, my face is still chubby, my arms are flabby, my thighs are ginormous. And I'm realizing that just being a certain number on the scale is not going to change the way I see myself. And just because I will soon be able to wear size 10 clothes doesn't mean I will love every part of my body. I don't see myself as a thin or even average person but I am starting to understand how even thin and average people can still not love every part of their body for one reason or another. It's silly and I know eventually I work through it and get over it, but until my perception catches up with reality it's just all the more difficult.
I don't mean to be complaining though, really. Things are going very well and I need to remember that. I am able to eat well and enjoy a wide variety of foods and ever since I stopped taking the pills that were causing me issues I haven't had any stuck or vomiting or PBing or anything of the sort. I knew it wasn't supposed to be THAT hard. Shiiiit.
You know what one of the hardest things is? Getting in 80oz of water each day. I keep switching around varieties of sugar free drinks, diet lemonade, teas, stuff like that. My newest favorite is iced/water diluted herbal mint tea with splenda. I used to be able to use a straw to make it quicker and easier to get it all in but the straw finally started causing trouble with introducing extra air into my stomach, too much burping, stuff like that, so I gave them up. Drinking not only makes me have to pee, it makes me cold (I'm already cold all the time anyway so that's no fun) and when I'm not hungry or thirsty it's just plain annoying to have to keep drinking. But I try and it definitely is helpful to the end goal.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Inappropriate Idiots
I am surrounded by idiots. It's an invasion that's only gotten worse as I've grown up. I think I used to be surrounded by smarter people but maybe I just had less exposure to the population at large. I don't like stupid people, sorry, not gonna lie. But I like stupid people who open their mouths even less. And let's be clear. By "stupid" I don't necessarily mean those with below average IQs or mental handicaps o anything... just people who have no sense!
So, you want to hear a funny story?
I was back home in Alabama for Thanksgiving and was luckily able to attend my new cousin's baby naming ceremony (it's a Jewish thing.) It was very nice but it also meant I had the chance to see lots of relatives and friends of family who hadn't seen me in years. Not so bad except for those people you don't even know, who remember you from when you were a baby. That's always awkward, at best.
So, apparently Birmingham, Alabama is not too exciting of a place because my massive weight loss was the number one topic of conversation. Some of my relatives made tasteful comments like "you look great" and stuff like that. One in particular said, "What have you been doing to yourself??" in a bit of a shocked and unbelieving way. I decided to joke with her (well, mostly a joke) and said, "Oh, you know, just starving myself and throwing up after every meal." Of course that's not my intention but the reality of what's been going on with my band lately (up till I solved the pill issue) wasn't that far off so it felt kind of witty and ironic. To that my mother replied, "Yes, we're all so proud of Ellen's bulimia." I love my mom! She rocks sarcasm with the best of them.
So overall, not too bad but wait for it...
We were sitting down for the ceremony to begin and this woman from behind me wouldn't stop staring. I had no idea who she was. She obviously knew me though and as such, knew that I must have lost a massive amount of weight. Yes, I used to be bigger than an orca whale and now I'm like Twiggy from the 70s. Lol. Cause neither are true but you wouldn't know that from these people's responses. So this lady says to me (in a loud voice in the middle of the synagogue, remember) "How much weight have you lost??"
If you're reading this then you know I am not shy about sharing my numbers. I'm proud of what I have achieved but that's my choice to share it. I don't like being the center of attention in a circus freak type of way. Luckily I'm pretty quick so I said back to her, without missing a beat, and without a hint of sarcasm "Oh, about 300 pounds." The look on her face was totally worth it. I thought I'd shut her up for good but alas it was not to be. When the ceremony was over and we headed upstairs to the reception hall for the a little noshing she came up behind me and again said, "Really, I know it wasn't 300 lbs but how much have you lost?" I was taken aback but I guess I have to admire her persistence if nothing else. Still, pretty insulted because...well for one thing, who the hell is this person? And what makes her think this is an appropriate question?
So I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't even know you and that's kind of a personal question." I thought I maintained my dignity pretty well despite what I was feeling on the inside (let the floor open up and eat me, ya know?)
She said a quick sorry and introduced herself (I immediately forgot her name again) but said she'd known me since I was a child and was a friend of my grandfathers. Sorry to disrespect anyone but seriously? That fact is supposed to give you the right to be a complete dickwad?
Well, anyway, I didn't answer her question so I guess she'll go to her grave never knowing how much I actually lost. Sorry lady.
So, you want to hear a funny story?
I was back home in Alabama for Thanksgiving and was luckily able to attend my new cousin's baby naming ceremony (it's a Jewish thing.) It was very nice but it also meant I had the chance to see lots of relatives and friends of family who hadn't seen me in years. Not so bad except for those people you don't even know, who remember you from when you were a baby. That's always awkward, at best.
So, apparently Birmingham, Alabama is not too exciting of a place because my massive weight loss was the number one topic of conversation. Some of my relatives made tasteful comments like "you look great" and stuff like that. One in particular said, "What have you been doing to yourself??" in a bit of a shocked and unbelieving way. I decided to joke with her (well, mostly a joke) and said, "Oh, you know, just starving myself and throwing up after every meal." Of course that's not my intention but the reality of what's been going on with my band lately (up till I solved the pill issue) wasn't that far off so it felt kind of witty and ironic. To that my mother replied, "Yes, we're all so proud of Ellen's bulimia." I love my mom! She rocks sarcasm with the best of them.
So overall, not too bad but wait for it...
We were sitting down for the ceremony to begin and this woman from behind me wouldn't stop staring. I had no idea who she was. She obviously knew me though and as such, knew that I must have lost a massive amount of weight. Yes, I used to be bigger than an orca whale and now I'm like Twiggy from the 70s. Lol. Cause neither are true but you wouldn't know that from these people's responses. So this lady says to me (in a loud voice in the middle of the synagogue, remember) "How much weight have you lost??"
If you're reading this then you know I am not shy about sharing my numbers. I'm proud of what I have achieved but that's my choice to share it. I don't like being the center of attention in a circus freak type of way. Luckily I'm pretty quick so I said back to her, without missing a beat, and without a hint of sarcasm "Oh, about 300 pounds." The look on her face was totally worth it. I thought I'd shut her up for good but alas it was not to be. When the ceremony was over and we headed upstairs to the reception hall for the a little noshing she came up behind me and again said, "Really, I know it wasn't 300 lbs but how much have you lost?" I was taken aback but I guess I have to admire her persistence if nothing else. Still, pretty insulted because...well for one thing, who the hell is this person? And what makes her think this is an appropriate question?
So I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't even know you and that's kind of a personal question." I thought I maintained my dignity pretty well despite what I was feeling on the inside (let the floor open up and eat me, ya know?)
She said a quick sorry and introduced herself (I immediately forgot her name again) but said she'd known me since I was a child and was a friend of my grandfathers. Sorry to disrespect anyone but seriously? That fact is supposed to give you the right to be a complete dickwad?
Well, anyway, I didn't answer her question so I guess she'll go to her grave never knowing how much I actually lost. Sorry lady.
High School Trauma Flashback
For Thanksgiving, I went home to Alabama to see my family. I stayed there for 6 days and I made a special point to go back and visit my high school because I have always been close with my principal/teacher (I worked for her several summers after graduating.) It's a small, private school - I mean really small. We had 15 students my first year and it was more like being homseschooled or privately tutored. Every year, before Thanksgiving, they have a potluck lunch with all the traditional foods and I was of course invited to join in. It was great to spend some time there with my principal and see some of the teachers I haven't seen in years. There is one teacher in particular though that I could do without. J taught art and she was old when I attended school there 8 years ago! She's still teaching (as they always seem to) and though she's a "nice enough" lady, she can be a real jerk sometimes and probably suffers from her own eating disorder so I should cut her some slack.
So, of course it's expected that I got a lot of compliments from the people who haven't seen me in a year or two about my appearance. And I am more than happy to graciously say thanks to anyone who wants to tell me how great I look. But J took it a step too far and really pissed me off. First, she went on and on about my "figure" which I guess is a generational term so I'll forgive her for that. But then, after I ate barely anything at the lunch (don't get me wrong, it was normal bandster portions of some turkey and casseroles) - I went back for desert and took one spoonful of a chocolate pudding and whipped cream type thing that looked amazing and I couldn't wait to dig into - until "Don't take too much of that, now." She says out loud in front of the entire room of parents and students who are standing around enjoying their own deserts. I looked at her in disbelief and said, "J, I think I can eat whatever I want to, thank you." And I retreated to the back of the school to enjoy my small chocolate desert in privacy. Feeling guilty, and not really enjoying it. And feeling angry that anyone would tell me what I should or shouldn't eat after all I've gone through to lose my 85 lbs. It makes me angry and all of a sudden I was back in high school being made fun of - literally. It doesn't matter. She is no one in my life. Just an old crazy art teacher I had for a couple of years who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. But I hate those moments with the power to take us back to being 4 feet tall and vulnerable.
So, of course it's expected that I got a lot of compliments from the people who haven't seen me in a year or two about my appearance. And I am more than happy to graciously say thanks to anyone who wants to tell me how great I look. But J took it a step too far and really pissed me off. First, she went on and on about my "figure" which I guess is a generational term so I'll forgive her for that. But then, after I ate barely anything at the lunch (don't get me wrong, it was normal bandster portions of some turkey and casseroles) - I went back for desert and took one spoonful of a chocolate pudding and whipped cream type thing that looked amazing and I couldn't wait to dig into - until "Don't take too much of that, now." She says out loud in front of the entire room of parents and students who are standing around enjoying their own deserts. I looked at her in disbelief and said, "J, I think I can eat whatever I want to, thank you." And I retreated to the back of the school to enjoy my small chocolate desert in privacy. Feeling guilty, and not really enjoying it. And feeling angry that anyone would tell me what I should or shouldn't eat after all I've gone through to lose my 85 lbs. It makes me angry and all of a sudden I was back in high school being made fun of - literally. It doesn't matter. She is no one in my life. Just an old crazy art teacher I had for a couple of years who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. But I hate those moments with the power to take us back to being 4 feet tall and vulnerable.
Finally falling into place
It's amazing how well this thing works when you're not getting in its way. Ok, so I haven't actually lost much weight the past couple of weeks because once I figured out the pill thing and got back to normal eating without nearly daily PB/vomiting it was time for Thanksgiving and family vacation and I just wasn't going to diet during that. But the great thing is, I ate what I wanted to and I didn't gain anything. I'm holding stead at 187.6 for the past couple of days and I'm back on the plan as of this morning. If I can be really strict for the next 34 days I might make it to my goal of 173 by new years. I'll be ok if I don't though. I would REALLY like to be at 173 by 1/22 because that would be 100lbs down from my starting weight on the 1 year anniversary of my first consult with Dr. A. I would be really proud to be able to say I lost 100lbs both pre and post-op in the 1 year since officially starting down the lap band road. That's not too ambitious because actually it would mean that I'd averaged 2lbs per week for a year. Now, if I could get to 173 by new year's THAT would be ambitious ;) We'll see. I am determined to start some amped up exercising soon. I need to kick in the resistance training to build muscle and boost my metabolism. Till now I've really focused on cardio and I need to change things up.
So that's a quick update. Planning to write more later. I am just so thrilled at my ability to eat like a normal bandster actually working as planned ever since stopping with the pills. Still waiting to receive that medicine in liquid form (stupid pharmacy, arg.)
So that's a quick update. Planning to write more later. I am just so thrilled at my ability to eat like a normal bandster actually working as planned ever since stopping with the pills. Still waiting to receive that medicine in liquid form (stupid pharmacy, arg.)
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