Now with 50% less angst

I've been feeling something very new and different lately. Peace, optimism, contentment... weird, huh?

Life in general is just going so well. My lap band adventure continues and I love how reliably I get the results I want when I do the right thing (AND equally impressed how everything doesn't fall apart when I don't do the right thing.) I'm still really shocked and impressed that things actually work this way when they never have for me before (banding) but I'm definitely a believer now.

In other areas of life, things continue to go well too. My relationships are steady and stable. No detriment from my weight loss that I can tell. I am not looking to leave my partner now that I don't wear plus size clothes (how silly!) but I guess there are people who've found that to be an issue. Most likely people who didn't choose a partner that was right for them to begin with and just settled on someone they thought was "good enough" for them at the time but not "good enough" for the person they see themselves as after much weight loss.

Luckily, the person I see myself as hasn't really changed. In the physical realm too, I haven't started seeing the smaller person (a catch a glimpse here or there but it seems like an optical illusion.) But I'm not longer angry about that. I practice enjoying the ability to do what I want with my body more often than I ever have before and focusing on the positive really seems to help.

I don't really have anything great to post about today but I did want to put up a recent picture. This is from last week. It's the first dress I've worn in years (except for jokingly dressing as a drag queen last Halloween.)



Size 16 (I probably would have bought a 14 if they had it) from the NY & Co. Outlet store. $14.99! Can't beat that, right?

Oh yeah, and today I woke up and was 193.4. That's 80lbs if you're counting!

Visualize your ideal body

That's what I've been doing every night while falling asleep for the past week. I have these meditation tapes that knock me out into a deep trance within a couple of minutes of putting them on and I've never actually made it all the way through so I have no idea what they're telling me after 5 minutes in (could be anything, cult indoctrination, who knows?) But I'm telling you, they're working!

The book and tapes are from this guy Jon Gabriel who has come up with the aptly named "Gabriel Method" - a new-agey, woo-woo weight loss through visualization type thing. But to be honest, I tried it long before my band and it really did help me start to resolve my underlying issues that were keeping me from losing weight. I started reading his book and listening to the tapes about a year before surgery so I think doing that actually helped me prepare and be mentally ready for the physical challenges. I do recommend the stuff even though *some* of it is pretty fantastical. It's just another tool in my toolkit now and I've started up again listening to the tape religiously before bed. And yes, I have noticed increased weight loss, decreased hunger, and being able to make better food choices. I'm not going to say it's all because of the tapes but they don't hurt. I need to find a picture of someone with my "ideal body" to help me visualize. I have a hard time coming up with that mental picture since I've never seen it and can't recollect back to an image of my own body that I want to attain again.

In other news...

At 196lbs I am completely in new territory. I can consistently wear 14s and even some 12s, larges and most mediums at every store I've tried. I go in to see my band doctor Friday (2 days) for the first time in 10 weeks. I am sure he's going to be happy with my progress (I think I'll have a loss of 15 lbs on his scale from the last number 10 weeks ago.) I am definitely going to ask for another slight fill to my band. I'm hoping he'll give me as little as .25 ccs because I feel very close to being at a sweet spot but losing a good bit of restriction, especially as the day goes on. Nighttime is the worst! By 10pm I am hungry and can anything and everything. But the rest of the day isn't nearly as bad and as long as I stick to eating what I'm supposed to be (i.e. protein) I can get satisfied on very little. Still, I've been tracking my calories and getting in 1500-1600 a day easily (and could eat a good bit more if I let myself) so I'm hoping to get enough restriction back to stay under 1200. Spoke to the nutritionist for the first time in 6 months the other day and she said most people in the "green zone" can eat 1000 calories a day and be satisfied. I'm not there yet but I'm hoping that a slight fill will push me back in that direction.

I am feeling so surprisingly optimistic and despite the fact that I still can't SEE my own weight loss for the most part, shopping has turned into a much more fun activity than it's ever been. I am SO excited about my November/Thanksgiving trip home to Alabama where my dad will be providing me a shopping trip (hopefully all expenses paid) as a combination late Birthday/early Hannukah/huge weight loss gift. I am already making a list of stores I want to shop at. Urban Outfitters, LL Bean, Gap, American Eagle, New York & Co.... places I have had a hard time fitting into or never have but am now finding I can wear anything I want. And even in the women's department! I have always shopped in men's not only cause I'm more comfortable in many of the styles but because they fit. I wonder now if-and-how-much of my preference for male clothing is due to not having the choice to wear women's - or at least not looking good in it. I mean, they make sizes for women much larger than I ever was BUT I'm not going to claim any of those things ever looked fashionable.

I know I've been really pathetic about updating this blog. So it tends to go when people's lives go smoothly. It's not that everything is perfect...sure life is complicated and rough a lot of the time, but this blog is not about all those other things in my life. It's about my lapband and THAT is going well.

I am getting so close to my goal that I am getting more antsy about whether I'll be happy there. My original goal was 180 which I later revised down to 160. Well, I mean my first real goal was to break 200, but my first "GOAL" was 180. Well, now I'm 16 lbs away from that and I can't imagine being anywhere close to satisfied with my size, 16 lbs from now. My belly is still pregnant lady sized and people are starting to tell me that I may need to consider plastic surgery to get rid of it. I am still determined that through exercise and greater weight loss I can get it down to where I don't look pregnant when not desperately sucking in. That would be nice. So, I'm still 36 lbs from my actual goal of 160 and that can be a lot of difference. AND I'm hoping that since my midsection is really the only flabby part left of me that the majority of that 36 will come from there. But I won't know till I get there. And I guess there's just a part of me that is worried that when I get to 160 I will still look the same, still have this huge belly that hangs over my jeans (the size of which keep getting smaller.) How horrible would that be? To be wearing size 8 or 10 jeans but with a belly hanging out over them? Ugh, I'm getting down even thinking about it so I'm not going to.

In other, other news...
Ran my first (outdoor) 5K on 10/2/10 at the AIDS Walk Washington. My official time was 37:46 which gave me a 12:10 mile. I'm very happy with that considering last time I ran 5K on the treadmill I was about 43 minutes total. I was super impressed to beat my treadmill time by so much. But I also learned that I have to buy proper running shoes before my next street race. Foot pain! Yikes.

I rode Helo last night and realized for the first time (it just hit me...) how easy some parts of riding have become. Like posting. Wow, I used to huff and puff and tire out but I think I could post forever now. Sometimes I marvel at how different the whole world feels 75lb lighter and then I think "duh... of course it does." But, you know, sometimes I think I denied that anything would have been better or easier if I lost weight. I was very stubborn and liked to believe that there was no handicap in being large. But the truth is, it held me back from being my best and I am so happy I'm moving in the opposite direction.

6 months and 6 flights of stairs

My 6 month surgi-versary came and went without much fanfare. I made my goal of getting to 200lbs by my 6 month mark (9/17/10) and in fact, I saw the scale land on 199.6 the other day for the first time ever. It's gone back up to 200.4 over the past few days but is stable there so I'm sure by next week I'll be firmly planted in the 190s. Having met my first goal, and averaging around 10lbs a month lost, I am OK easing up a little bit and accepting more like 5-7lbs a month if it happens. On the other hand, I need to step up my exercise to keep losing because I can feel a plateau coming on as my body has adjusted quite well to this new way of life.

I have started climbing the stairs to my office... I work on the 6th floor and I used to think that going up would be torturous but it's really not. It takes me under 2 minutes which is not that much longer than the elevator. In fact, it's probably quicker when you think about all the annoying people stopping on every floor on my way up. I take them down as well but that's easy. My first 5K run is next weekend (10/2) and I'm going to do a practice outdoor 5K tonight (I hope) before rock climbing. I've been doing 5K on the treadmill with no problem but I know outdoors is going to be tougher and I'm wondering if I'll still be able to do it in the same time frame (about 40 minutes.) On the other hand, maybe it'll be more interesting to run a new route instead of on the treadmill.

I know this isn't that exciting of a post but isn't it nice to not be angst-ridden? I'm happy! I'm really happy. So many things in life are going well these days and being so close to my larger weight loss goals makes me worry about it all a bit less.

So here's a picture I took yesterday. Actually, here are 2 pictures - a "before" and a "during" (since I'm not yet at "after".) First picture was taken in February, a month or so before my surgery.



And here's yesterday:

It's official, I'm a low-carber

It's too bad really. Because there are so many wonderful things that are healthy and low-fat and nutritious but packed with carbohydrates and sugar. Fruit, for one thing. Which I miss dearly. But it's sunk in big time that if I want to lose weight I have to eliminate nearly all carbohydrates from my diet, even the good ones like whole grains and fruit. On the other hand, I've found that it's not hard to maintain my current weight at all while eating them, so it gives me hope for sometime in the future when I'll be at a weight I want to maintain and can go into that mode.

In the 3 weeks since I got my last fill, I spent 2 of them eating whatever I wanted but in very small quantities. That resulted in me staying the same weight for 2 weeks. I was rather disappointed because I thought I'd be losing like crazy given how very little I could eat. As a sidenote, it took over a week for my body to settle down after the fill and be able to even eat a 1/2 cup or cup of food at one meal. Last week I decided to jump back on the low carb wagon that's gotten me this far and within 5 days I'd lost 5 lbs. Yes, that's right.

So now I'm 204.4 (been holding steady for a few days as I splurged at a party Saturday and then had an entire "off" day on Sunday) but I know that by Friday I should be closing in on my first goal of 200. I really, truly, cannot believe I am this close. It feels unreal and exciting. I feel like at hitting 200, I have shaved off the top layer of what I need to lose and going forward I will be able to see a real difference with every 10 lbs I shed. At least I sure hope so!

Anyway, I had marked on my calendar that I wanted to be at 200 by September 26, 2010 which would mean a loss of 73lbs from my starting weight dated 1/22/10. Now, keep in mind (and I have to remind myself of this too) Lap band patients are expected to lose 1-2 lbs per week and my surgery was on 3/17/10 so I would be expected to have lost 28 - 56 lbs. My doctor would be ecstatic if I had lost 56. And I will have lost 75 at the rate I'm going. When I think of it that way, it makes me really happy.

I love days like this... days where I get all my water in. Where I am not hungry, where I am making good choices and eating lots of protein and really don't have room for anything else. The less carbs I eat the less I even think about eating, period. It's very weird that way but I am so fortunate to have found the "secret" to working with my body on this.

Because it's so freaking hard...

...And I've still got so much to go

That's the quote of the week. Well, it was 2 weeks ago when the line appeared on my new favorite (as long as Glee is on hiatus) show HUGE. I was almost embarrassed to admit I like it but then I found out FATSHIONISTA does recaps of it weekly and I feel a lot better now. And their recaps are great, truly. If you're not going to watch the show, just start at the beginning and read the recaps.

So, these two kids, Ian and Alistair are talking about the whole weight loss thing and Alistair says that he lost a little (they are at fat camp after all) and the counselor told him he was doing "great" but he still felt so sad and didn't know why. Man, kid, do I hear you. 67 lbs that I never imagined I'd lose in my wildest dreams and most of the time I can only feel sad that it's not happening more quickly or in the right places, or hell, just finished already. So I was watching this episode while jogging on the treadmill and if I hadn't been running my little heart out, I might have taken more time to really feel the emotion of the scene. But I felt it enough that I had to come home and write about it.

The episode was the week of the official camp weigh in and while some of the campers made a big deal over how much they lost or didn't, some of the kids actually tore up their sheets of paper without looking at them, making a statement that they weren't going to let that number determine how they felt. I wish I had the balls to do that sometimes but now that I've started down the path of caring it feels like a slippery slope that I'm unable to pull myself out of despite sometimes really wanting to.

Sometimes I remember how content I used to be with my body. Sure I was fat but that didn't always define me. I focused on so many other things that were great about myself and accepted the body as one area that wasn't perfect. Now, it seems as though all I do is criticize my body. And it doesn't deserve this. This body has been damn good to me in fact...I thought to myself while jogging tonight. It's rarely ever just crapped out on me or refused to do something. It's not the most flexible or the strongest or whatever, but it functions fine. I jogged 3.25 miles tonight (in 42 minutes) and I was thinking how compared to other people who weigh 206lbs, my body is pretty impressive. Sometimes when I'm exercising I forget that I'm fat and I just feel what it's like to truly be alive in my body. No wonder I'm quickly becoming addicted to the gym.

I love watching HUGE when I work out, not because the topic of fat camp inspires me to work harder. No...it's the emotion and realness behind the writing and acting of this show that remind me it's not all about where I'm going or where I've been. It's mostly about where I am now. It reminds me that the prettiest, "thinnest", girl at camp who only loses 1 lb when the fatter kids lose 8 still feels just as bad about herself as she would if she weighed twice as much. It reminds me that we are our harshest critics and that stopping to listen to other people is important.

All the people at my office who call me skinny now or tell me how great I look...why don't I believe them? Why do I still see myself as a warped blob-ish figure where I used to see a beautiful curvy woman? Where did my body acceptance and love go? What can I do to get it back? I am so tired of criticizing my body. I want to practice complimenting it and loving it - really loving it - not just loving it if I can squeeze into a smaller size this week. And thanking it for all that it allows me to do. I think that if I start doing these things, my attitude will adjust. I just miss...well I miss a lot of things about pre-banded life. But I have gained SO much, I know this, I'm not regretting it. I just need to figure out how to wrap my head around the new and evolving "me" and love this me as much as I used to. Because I should love this new me more, if anything.

And can I just say (of course I can, it's my blog) that sometimes the idea of staying at 206 is very appealing. Why keep going? Do I really want to? I can easily maintain this weight indefinitely. I feel great, I am in great shape, I can do everything I want, I can fit into any clothes I want (seriously, 14s at normal stores and medium shirts!) And I think the "problem" just dawned on me. I went into this surgery not really believing I'd get to where I am today, not 100%. I mostly wanted to improve my health, be able to be more active, not restricted in the things I can do. Rock climbing for example, or horseback riding. Now, down 67 lbs, my body feels great. I like the size I am. I'm curvy and muscular with a good bit of padding still. I wish my face weren't so chubby but I've started noticing other, thinner women, with chubby faces so it's not that bad really. And let's face it. Having lost 24% of my total body weight, I have achieved the health advantages that are to be sought in such a procedure. So now that I really have gotten what I set out wanting - if I keep going, does that mean I'm pursuing thinness because of cultural standards? Am I chasing some socially constructed ideal of beauty, health, femininity? Why do I want to keep losing weight - a LOT of it in fact? Why do I want to lose 50 more lbs when already without doing so I am healthy, fit, eating better than I ever have, and fitting into clothes I never thought I would. I don't know. And what if I don't want to lose any more? I mean, I do! But would it be wrong if I didn't? I think this needs more pondering. I don't want to lose 50 more lbs to hit a number I'm "supposed" to be. But I still want it. Maybe I just want to be able to say I did. And is there anything wrong with that either?

Reality Setting In

I woke up early this morning and went to the gym. Ran a mile and then walked a few more minutes, did some weights, the rowing machine, and some abs. Showered, drove to work, and have been sitting here at my desk doing work related stuff ever since. It's 2:30 pm and I don't feel like I've actually eaten anything today. I've drank 40oz of water so I'm halfway to my daily goal of 80. And I've had 5 almonds and 2 cashews and a few bites of a mushy broccoli/eggbeaters quiche-esque thing I brought from home. But really, compared to even how I was a week ago, I haven't "eaten" anything.

Last night I went out do dinner with Steve and his dad and I wasn't hungry but ordered a baked potato with shredded pork on it anyway. I knew I'd only take a few bites, which I did. Small bites that I chew thoroughly and slowly. And after 3 of them I was full, probably well beyond full really, and I stopped. Sitting there over the next 15 minutes socializing and NOT eating anything, I began to get more and more uncomfortable. Pain in my head and back which I know means my stomach is overly full. All of a sudden, after all that time of not eating, I felt like I was going to hurl. I left the restaurant and it took about 15 more minutes of walking around outside and hacking up slimy goo for me to feel even mildly better. By the time we got home, an hour after I'd last eaten anything, I felt pretty much normal.

Reality is definitely hitting me. This is not my old life or my old body. The honeymoon I've been on with my band unfilled/very loose is not really what having a lapband is about. I've been thinking how easy all this has been and how I haven't had any ill effects from the band, but now I see that if I am not extremely careful about every little thing, I'm going to be in a world of pain.

Finally.

Later last night I was hungry and decided to take a 2nd try at my dinner. I measured out 2 oz of meat and potato and cut it up and mashed it all together. I ate as slow as I could over the course of 30 minutes. Seriously, have you ever tried eating 2oz of something over 30 minutes? The bites I was eating could more aptly be described as crumbs - if potatoes had crumbs, at least.

It all went down fine, thankfully, and I was ready to be finished well before I got to the end. Not sure why I kept eating but I figured it's 2 ounces for God's sake, it wouldn't kill me to eat the whole thing. I will have that potato and meat for another 6 meals at this rate.

So, I've come to the conclusion that my band is not too tight, that is, I don't need to go get fluid taken out to make it easier to eat again. It's just that I'm finally at that place where the idea of eating more than a tiny bit makes me nauseous and I'm actually concerned I may not get enough protein or nutrition.

I hope this is what I need to reboot my weight loss. I have to keep up with my normal (fairly hard core) exercise that I've let slack off due to all sorts of other things in the past month too. But eating 1/4 of what I'm used to certainly can't hurt. Right? I don't know.

Falling off

If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would lost 60 lbs I would not have believed them. But, if I had believed them, I would have thought, "Wow, 60lbs is a LOT! I won't be able to wear any of my clothes anymore, they'll all just be falling off. I'll be wasting away like a skeleton!" Back then, 60 lbs seemed like a lot more than it really is. I mean, it's a lot for sure, but it's not that much. There are people who've lost 100, 200, 300. Now their clothes are falling off them, I'm sure. They could probably swim in a pool the size of their old underwear if they wanted to. But 60? Not really that much - I now know.

Still, as I keep active on the message boards for people with Lap Bands, I see so much talk of this phenomenon of the falling clothes. People are constantly finding, when they least expect it, on their way to work, running to catch the bus, working out at the gym, their clothes are FALLING OFF of them. Left and right, it's like no one owns a belt or realizes that the should buy things a size smaller than they think they need so that it lasts longer. Or is it that they actually lose so much weight in one day that the pants they put on in the morning no longer fit them that afternoon? Either way, I don't understand it but mostly I'm jealous and I don't understand how come mine aren't doing the same thing.

In fact, I can still technically wear everything I owned at my heaviest, 63lbs ago. The clothes are roomy, sure. Loose, baggy, need a belt so my ass crack doesn't show when I bend over, but nothing is falling off. And you know what? That makes me feel kind of inadequate when I think of it. Thoughts such as, "maybe my 60lb loss is just an illusion or a broken scale." Or "maybe I'm only going to lose weight from weird places like my feet (which have gone down 1 size) but stop losing entirely from my waist and hips." Or even weirder is the fact that I can put on a size 14 jeans and they fit perfectly but I can put back on my old size 24s and they are still wearable. That is discouraging. For God's sake, I just want to be walking down the street and find my pants not capable of staying above my ankles, is that too much to ask??

So yesterday, I was preparing a bunch of clothes to donate to the Salvation Army and I came across a pair of Old Navy linen pants with a 42" waist. I don't remember them ever being tight on me but I know they did fit at one point. I tried them on to see if maybe, just maybe, these would be a pair that would fall off. Immediately, they were noticeably loose. I took a few hops around my bedroom and they started to move. A couple of jumping jacks and they were past my hips and there was no stopping them. The pants fell off of me completely, for the first time in my life! Now, I don't really feel like this counts because this is not a pair of pants I would be wearing out in public and all of the ones I do wear to work are in no danger of falling off. But maybe soon. With my recent band adjustment, I'm predicting to be under 200 for the first time in (???) years by Labor Day. Surely, 73 lbs would be enough that anything I owned before I started all this would start falling off, right? Right? Oh, and I guess I'd better buy some cute underwear if I'm planning on everything slipping off in the near future.