2 week experiment, day 4

Ok, so day 3 sucked. I was more hungry than I have been in ages but that's mostly due to my band being looser (time of month over with) and I was recovering from a hard workout the day before. Maybe I should follow the plan more closely including no exercise the first 2 weeks but I just don't think that's possible - or good for me. I don't need to lose 5 lbs a week, 2 would be really great. Even 1 would be reasonable. But I need to keep exercising cause it helps with my stress.

But anyway, yeah. Day 3 was a bitch. It started off fine - I'm always tight in the morning and feel like I'm going to be full on protein shakes all day long. That normally changes around 2pm. I ate way more than I should have yesterday but the good news is I didn't go for junk (for the most part.) I had a couple of bites of things at work I shouldn't have and I indulged in some more of that trail mix that I had a few bites of the night before. It's like my late night munchy fix but it's got to stop. The trail mix is going to the barn tomorrow for the July 4th BBQ.

Still, even with all my cheats, I clocked in at 1774 calories. Here's the daily breakdown:

1774 calories
139g carb
88g fat
132g protein

I held steady at 182.8 this morning and I will be really happy if I get 1 more lb gone by Tuesday AM at my 1 week mark.

In terms of today, it's shaping up to be pretty good. I have been up since 6:40, worked out this morning, got into work earlier than normal, and plan on leaving a little early to go to dinner and a show tonight. I have started the day with a homemade protein shake (100cal/18g protein) which I am getting into the habit of doing on top of my 5+1 medifast meals on days I workout. Had a great time this morning at the gym and did some of the same things the trainer showed me from Wednesday. Hopefully I'll be better at some of the stuff by next Wed. if I can get a couple more practices in. He's having me do some stuff I've never done before with an inflatable ball.

At the moment, just trying to drink as much water as I can (by the way, I learned I sweat about 32oz per hour, interesting, huh?) and I'm pondering what to eat for my first food of the day. Oatmeal? or a bar?

FOOD!

OMG. I am so hungry for the first time in days. I think it's a combination of my TOM (time of month) being over (I'm always tighter during that) and having worked out really hard yesterday. My body is like NOM NOM NOM. I am blowing through the medifast food and I didn't add in an extra protein shake this morning because I wasn't planning on working out today. Already drank 64 oz of water, I'll definitely try to get more in before tonight and I have gotten 100 grams of protein already. The good news is, I haven't strayed too far and am still within my calories especially if I can make myself jump rope or something tonight at home. The bad news is I've gone for the junk. Work keeps a huge stash. I ate 1 miniature Mr. Goodbar and 1/2 of a miniature donut. Total about 80 calories. I did walk today for 30 minutes already on my way to lunch and back so technically I walked off the extra calories but I hate that I caved in and ate sugar again. Just plain, no good, empty calorie sugar. Really frustrated with myself that I can't STICK to a freaking diet plan for more than a day. And now, in the middle of my "oatmeal" I feel like I'm going to puke cause I ate it too quickly. Dammit, I broke the rule that was working for me so well. To keep eating on schedule even when I'm not really "hungry" cause it keeps me from getting this way (eating fast and pukish.)

Well, at least the work day is almost over and I have 2 MF meals and still some lean/green left to use today.

2 week experiment, day 3

Yesterday was great. I do not understand it but between the band and the medifast food I am eating under 1300 calories, exercising off 300+ and not hungry. WTF?? If I can stick with this for a couple of weeks or a month even, I am going to be doing really well. That is, if the experiment succeeds and I actually lose weight. Still not sure but then again I wasn't sure about any of this to begin with and here I am 95 lbs later. I keep reminding myself "If you work the plan, the plan will work for you." Just repeat, repeat, repeat.

I had my first session with a personal trainer last night after work. I'll be with him for the next 3 Wednesdays and then workout on my own 4 more times per week. If the results are good I may keep going with him for a little longer even though it's not an expense I want to have.

So here is my food breakdown for day 2:
Calories: 1293
Carbs: 103g
Fat: 65g
Protein: 100g
Exercise: burned 370

The elevated fat and carbs are certainly due to a late night attack of the munchies. I had some trail mix in the house. Nuts, raisins, M&Ms... this was leftover from camp and I should have just taken it to work but with 400-something calories left to spend yesterday I figured 1 serving of it wasn't going to kill me. And it didn't. I woke up today at a lower scale number than I've seen in a while. The 179 on my ticker isn't exactly accurate. I've been holding steady around 184 for a while. I was stuck at 180 for a bit and then I think my eating habits deteriorated with the start of summer and Rita's Water Ice season.

As of today 182.8. Can't wait to see what the official loss is when I weigh on Tuesday which will be a week after starting. It would be so awesome to actually get into the lower 170s which would be new territory once again. So tired of seeing the same numbers bouncing up and down and no real losses.

But the good news is, I think I'm back in the zone. That's my mental place where nothing can stop me. Crappy food in the fridge and cupboards here at work be damned!

2 week experiment, day 2

Well, day 1 on medifast was a hell of a lot more pleasant than day 1 on liquids!

I did not stick to the plan entirely but the good news is I didn't eat anything that was inherently off plan, just needed a little extra. I start my day with my own protein shake that is 100 calories and 18 grams of protein. I did 4 medifast "meals" during the day and split my 1 "lean and green" into lunch and dinner since my banded stomach can't do 7oz of meat and 3 cups of vegetables at once! In the late afternoon between lunch and dinner I was really hungry so I had a tablespoon of peanut butter, which is allowed. Then when I got home really late last night I made my last medifast meal (peanut butter flavored "soft serve" which was surprisingly good!) I was trying to go to sleep but my stomach was growling so I had a tablespoon of almond butter. Total calories: 1328. Burned 332 in exercise from the barn. So I netted 996.

Day 1 breakdown of nutrients is as follows:

Calories: 1328 (996 net)
Carbs: 94
Fat: 61
Protein: 124
Water: >70 oz

I think the huge amount of protein definitely helped me not feel hungry. I am a daily weigher and did not have any change between yesterday and this morning but I only "count" my weekly weigh-ins so I am definitely going to give the plan a chance. This is so much better quality (and less volume) than I have been eating that I know it's got to make a difference.

Today is going well so far and I have my first session with the personal trainer at the gym tonight. My goal is to be at 173 on my doctor's scale by 8/5 (if I even end up going in to get a fill - I may not need it.) That would be 100 lbs according to his scale and that would make me feel really great. I know I could lose more quickly if I didn't add in an extra protein shake but I think most people doing this plan are not exercising this intensely and I know if I don't get it I will be hungry. I'm willing to see how it goes for 2 weeks and re-evaluate. But so far so good. I think if I can keep up this level of calories, protein, carbs, and fats and amp up my exercise a bit more I'll really be making progress.

I'm just really happy to report the lack of hunger. I have been trying really hard lately to recognize the difference between hunger and thirst. I really like that everything on MF is portioned out and with my band the portions actually seem like plenty. I can only imagine what it must feel like to un-banded people not used to eating this tiny amount of food. Well, I did do MF pre-band when I was 20 I think. I lost 17 lbs in a month but I couldn't keep it up. The food has definitely improved in quality since then. Even more so since my mom did it when I was a kid and the food was literally all just shakes and broth.

I'm actually so happy with the plan that I'm considering buying more food but I think I should wait another week just to make sure I'm going to want to stick with it longer term. Slowly learning which foods are better than others but so far I kind of like everything.

2 week experiment, day 1

Hello everyone. Miss me? I know it's been a while since I've posted with any regularity. I'm making a commitment to post once per day now for 2 weeks along with this new experiment I'm trying. It's in the name of science, I swear!

For those that know me in real life, you already know this. For those that don't, I've been coasting along, "maintaining" my weight in the 180-185 range since the beginning of the year. I saw 178 on the scale once but I think I was actually just dehydrated.

I have been making poor food choices most of the time and I know I have really good restriction but I'm just being lazy about it and eating things that are "easier" like chips, cookies, and cupcakes. Did I mention cupcakes? Damn there are a lot of cupcakes around everywhere all the time.

I might could use a slight fill but I think I'll postpone that for 2 weeks to really give this new eating plan a chance to work. I've also been really committed to exercise lately and if I hadn't just gone on a 6 day vacation I would have been able to say I'd exercised at least 20 minutes per day for a month straight with only a few "rest" days.

I joined a new gym that's right behind my office building and I LOVE it because there's a hot tub I can relax in after working out. So I get 4 free personal training sessions for joining and I'm going to use them once a week for the next 4 weeks. I fully intend for this experiment to go on for at least 4 weeks but I know I can do 2 so I'm starting there.

So what IS this experiment, you're wondering? It's not really that experimental but it sort of is for me. I am going to be following the medifast plan where almost everything I eat each day comes to me in the mail. With the exception of 7 ounces of lean protein and 3 cups of vegetables (which thanks to my band I need to split up into at least 2 meals per day instead of just 1) - everything I eat will be a prepackaged "just ad water" type meal. The great thing about doing this with the help of the band is I'm not going to suffer actual hunger. Now, just wanting other food. I'm sure that will be my biggest problem. But I've gotten to the point where I am tired of doing it on my own and making meal plans and deviating from them. I want something simple for at least a couple of weeks.

I did all liquids for 2 weeks before surgery so surely I can do this now. The food is actually really good. It's very low calorie, low fat, and high protein. It's not really "low carb" in the atkins sense but it's still less than half of what I think the normal low fat meal plans tend to prescribe in terms of carbs.

I have tried a few different big pushes to get these last 20-30 lbs off but mostly haven't been in the right place mentally. I think I'm there now and with the help of a new job/new routine, the new gym which is super convenient, and seeing several friends do medifast and really kick ass with it, I'm feeling like a winner.

That's the easy part. Now for the follow through. This is an experiment in a couple of different ways:

1. I am no longer taking metformin. This is a giant pill that even when chopped into smaller pieces has caused me to puke everything I eat after taking it (cause it blocks my stoma opening.) The pill helps my PCOS and also helps me lose weight but I just can't do it anymore. I should be to a low enough body fat percentage that I no longer need it or won't very soon. I can't keep taking it the rest of my life and now is as good a time as any to stop. No more puking. Seriously. And yes, I've tried grinding it into apple sauce or adding it to a protein shake and that's nearly as bad in terms of taste and texture and just having to eat something I really don't want just cause my pill is in it.

2. I have long since believed that my body will only lose weight with extremely low calories + high exercise or zero carbs. Any combination other than those 2 and it doesn't happen. The next 2 weeks will have me on a high protein plan with a decent amount of carbs, and doing moderate exercise (I plan to do at least 20 minutes of something intense 5 days a week but it will actually be more intense or longer durations several of those days...but still not over-doing it, just keeping up with my normal routine. So we'll see if this works at all.

Anyway, I'm extremely motivated at this very moment and I'm pretty good at sticking to plans when I make a commitment, so let's see how things go. Fingers crossed for next week's first weigh in. Would love to have lost 5lbs the first week like many people do. Some people lose more but I don't have that much left to lose.

Realizations and Body Acceptance

I've been feeling pretty good the past few weeks. I haven't lost any weight. I stopped attending WW meetings, which my therapist actually thinks is a good thing, and I've been not worrying about food, just eating what I want when I want. I'll admit it's left me with a less nutritious diet than when I'm really "working it" but luckily this has not lead to any weight gain. I bounce back and forth between 179-181 lbs but I am not stepping on the scale every day either. For the first time since I got my band I am not weighing every day. I've been too busy to do that, really!

I have come to a few realizations and they are helping me to be more at peace with what's going on in my body.

1. I do really enjoy being active, moving my body, yes-exercise. But I often fall into the trap of being too busy, tired, stressed, whatever that I ignore the importance of it. I have got to commit to exercise whether it's 30 minutes a day or an hour several times a week, I feel SO much better when I do. I make an effort to walk everywhere I can now, take the stairs 6 flights up whenever time allows at work, but I need to go back to what I was doing before. Um actually going to the gym! I feel less fit than I used to even though not gaining weight.

2. I am no longer "the fat person" and people don't see me that way. As much as I might feel like my identity is as a fat person and I still see my body that way a lot of the time, I am no longer the largest one in the room at any given time and I need to stop viewing myself that way because no one else does.

3. I am not built like the skinny bitches I work with. I work with a lot of very small framed people, 5 inches shorter and 50 lbs lighter than me, I feel like an amazon sometimes even though I'm only 5'7. I am a pretty athletic 180 lbs and would be an even more athletic 160 or 155 but I don't know what I'd look like (and maybe I don't need to know) at 130. On this front, I found an amazing site that made me start to think about the REALITY of my body compared to the fantasy. My fantasy was that at 180lbs I'd be firm, toned, and skinny. There are some people who look more like that than I do at my height and weight but there are others who don't. There are also people at my height and weight who wear smaller clothes than me AND larger. Seeing reality for reality, including the diversity of shapes and sizes that exist is really empowering for me.

4. I have more body and food issues than I realized. I eat when I'm not hungry because "I want to", because "it tastes good", because "I deserve it", because "it'll make me feel better", because "why not? it doesn't matter" ... those are the big ones. I continue eating after I'm satisfied because "it's there", because "I paid for it", because "I don't want it to go to waste" because "why not?"... I need to arm myself with reasons to counteract these ones so that I can break the habit of just eating mindlessly and eating things for no good reason. But how do I balance that against the belief that I should enjoy eating some of the time and should be allowed to eat things I want just because I want them SOMETIMES but not ALL the time. And how often is too often? I want my life to include parties, birthdays, vacations, nice dinners, and "just because" times when it's ok to eat stuff that tastes good with no nutritional value. I don't want to eliminate all joy in eating from my life but I need to find a good balance. It's also not that I don't enjoy the taste of things that are healthy too, it's just for some reason nothing seems to scratch that itch like the real junk.

5. I need to regain the belief in myself that I can "get there" - 180 was a HUGE goal for me. I built a lot of mental energy into thinking about that number, 180. And as if in response to that, my body has decided this is a good place to be. I want to now think of 155 as a good place to be and convince my body of that so that I just as easily land (and stay) there. Is that wrong? Should I focus more on the journey than the destination? I work best when I'm goal focused. But maybe a number isn't the best goal... but then again, it's very concrete and I like the certainty of knowing if I'm there or not. But having other goals would be good too. I'll start thinking about those later.

Obligatory 1 year post

Today is my 1 year anniversary of being banded. This time a year ago I was in the hospital and would have given my right arm for a drink of water. I don't have too much to say today but I feel like I should say something. I mean, it's been one year. I'll have to reflect on what this means.

By the numbers it's simple...

365 days
8 inches from my waist
95 lbs
Size 22/24 clothing to 10/12

I've also gained a lot non-numerically...
First 5K run
Success at rock climbing
Huge improvements in my horseback riding
So much more stamina and endurance than I realized I had
Finding strength to do really hard things
Learning to ask for help from friends and family (still not very good at it)
Learning to celebrate my successes