First "non scale victory"

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't have any plans until dinner, when we would be going to a Thai place and then Rita's for ice for deserts. Still being on liquids, I needed something exotic like Thai soup and water ice for my birthday.

Our Keurig brewer has been on the blink since we bought it so I went back to Bed Bath & Beyond to exchange it (and of course ended up upgrading to the next fanciest model cause it looked so cool) and since I was there I decided to stop in at Old Navy.

My grandmother had sent me a check for $50 for my birthday so on my way shopping I called her to say thanks and tell her I was going to buy a new outfit. She was so cute, and exclaimed that she hadn't sent me enough money for that but I assured her I'd be fine. I went to Old Navy and found a few things I liked, including some size 16 jeans, though I knew they wouldn't fit me yet.

So I took the jeans, an XL tank top and an XXL linen shirt with me to the dressing room, figuring that I'd be lucky if anything fit and the jeans, well, I just wanted to see how far away from 16 I am so I could fantasize about wearing them in the future.

I started with the black tank top, an XL, which just looked like it was falling off of me from the start, but I added on the purple XXL linen shirt, which fit as well as a garbage bag. This was odd, I thought, because normally Old Navy's 2X tops barely squeeze on me. I proceeded to try on the jeans. And as I was pulling them up, they felt like they were going to fit, but I knew that once they got to my waist they wouldn't button. But they did! This was certainly a shock, and my first real proof that the 23 pounds the scale says I've lost is not just a halucination. I sure can't see it when I look at myself but I know that before surgery I had to go buy some size 24 pants because my 22s were too tight. There is no way I could be imagining that (as I like to think I am when the scale goes down.) There is no explanation other than the reality of actual weight and inches lost that would let me fit into size 16 old navy jeans when 3 months ago I was busting out my 22 Lane Bryant and other fat people store stuff.

So, I kept the jeans and switched out the tank and linen shirt for 1 size smaller each. Yes, that means I am wearing an Old Navy LARGE!! I never thought I'd be out of the extra-large sizes. The tank is pretty stretchy so the L fits perfectly. The linen shirt is stiff so I downgraded to an XL. And the outfit looks... amazing. Like I have a body, not just a blob. I am wishing that I could keep everything below the belly button exactly the same and shrink only my top half for a little while because I have to tell you, my size 16 legs and ass look AMAZING! Don't believe me? Check this out:




So yes, even though at 16 I am still clearly a "plus size" I would be so happy to have a matching top half if my lower body stayed just the way it is.

My biggest fear/anxiety right now is that I'm going to continue losing weight in my legs and butt and become very skinny down there but have a huge belly that I can't get rid of no matter what. People assure me that when I've lost enough it'll start coming from there too. It's just one of those things (like believing I'm really -23 lbs) that is hard to believe until the proof hits you in the head.

So there you go, my first non-scale victory. And I'm looking forward to many more.

Turning 26

Today is the first day of my 27th year on the planet. I have completed 26 of them and all I can keep thinking is "What a wild ride it's been!" I like to think of myself as relatively normal but I don't think that's true. Friends who have known me for any number of years are always impressed with how far from normal my life tends to be. I'm incredibly lucky and fortunate and it's hard not to be optimistic and have faith that everything will turn out OK because my life experience has proven that to be true. And I don't take that for granted because I'm sure there are folks who can't get things to turn out OK no matter how hard they try.

Sometimes I do get wrapped up in the little, unimportant things that feel so huge, but I have to remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for. There is my family and extended family who have supported me in every way during the first quarter century of my life (even if they have equally made me crazy along the way.) There are my friends, the true ones, even though few and far between, who know me, love me, and accept me in spite of my many shortcoming but who appreciate and love me for my strengths as well. There is my health, my strength, my mental capacity, my neuroses, yes I am grateful for it all.

When I take stock of what I have in this world, what I have accomplished, and what I have yet to do, I can't help but look forward to the adventure that will be the next 25 years. I look forward to writing and reflecting when I reach 50... I feel like at 26 my life is in many ways just beginning and I can't wait to see what happens!

I can haz bike

Yesterday, 6 days post-op, I hopped on my bike and went for a spin around the neighborhood. It felt amazing and most of all, didn't hurt at all. I am trying to decide if today I'd rather take my dog or my bike down to the park. I'm thinking the bike, sadly, even though the dog would love it too. Maybe I'll do the bike and then come home and get the dog and take him to a different park. It's just such a gorgeous day outside and I feel completely bummed to be sitting behind the computer. And it's not like I have to be. I've been catching up on some email and paper work and paying bills and stuff like that but I'm ready to shower, dress, and get out of here!

The Fantasy of Being Thin

A comment I posted in response to Kate Harding's Blog entry "The Fantasy of Being Thin"

I think I summed up a lot of what I feel nicely, so re-posting here.

This is my first time commenting here (did you just hear my cherry pop?) ;) I want to say first of all that I really enjoy reading everything on your site and I love that it even exists. I have been an adoring fan of the BMI project for a long time and not sure why I never explored the site further.

Now, coming from my own, possibly very unique perspective, I want to say something about the potential for a person to be both 100% Fat accepting but still feel the desire to lose weight. And not due to the Fantasy of Being Thin. If I exist then there have to be others like me and I think we deserve to be recognized for what we are. Not self-hating fatties, Not hypocrites, but people who honestly feel our lives would be improved by some weight loss. I don't think talking about it should be banned and I am certainly not trying to convince anyone to think the way I do. I just think that there is room for people like me.

And what do I mean by people like me? Ok...I'm 26, I've been fat my entire life. I was the fat kid, the fat teen, the fat college student, and now the fat young adult. I have never succeeded at a diet (for more than a couple of months) and long ago gave up on them cause they just don't work. Despite all that, I managed to get a good education, find a longterm loving partner, a community of friends I love, a great career, and good health. All the things we fatties are supposedly never going to get. I even love things some people might consider punishing exercise like horseback riding, bicycling, rock climbing, hiking, and just plain running around with my dog. Like the rest of us, I can eat healthy and be active and still never lose a pound. In fact, I always gain weight the more I increase my activity level.

So with all of this, it's just kind of gotten old being fat. I feel limited cause despite my level of fitness, which is great for being as big as I am, I'm never going to excel at the things I love with 100lbs of excess weight. I'm not being mean, I'm just being honest. I've been riding horses since I was 8 years old and I'll never be any better at it than I am now as long as I stay at this weight. I cannot get on my horse from the ground due to my size and I haven't been able to do that since I was 16. This is dangerous because if I'm on a trail ride 10 miles out in the woods and get thrown or need to get off for any reason, I will be unable to get back on. This is just one example of a real benefit that losing weight will add to my life. Not to mention reducing join and bone pain I get from other activities that I enjoy and fear I'll not be able to do for the rest of my life if I continue to stay this heavy or gain more weight.

Now, I do not think I need to go from 250lbs to 125. I would be happy at whatever weight allows me to freely do what I want to do. But please don't assume that all of us who say "Yeah, i support FA wholeheartedly but I'd personally like to lose a little." are just paying lip service to FA while being in denial about our own motivations.

I am SURE those people are out there too. And I would believe they are a hell of a lot more common than people like me. But it seems counter-intuitive that a movement centered on acceptance and self-actualization would actually condemn people who are honest with themselves and decide that even though life is awesome now, it could be even more awesome with some weight loss.

It should go without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that people who start from a place of desperation and unhappiness will not find the secret to the universe, the meaning of life, Jesus, or any other deity, just by losing weight. That's absolutely not what I'm trying to convey so I hope people won't read that into my words.

Thank you for listening.

The first 20 lbs

Well, I think I can call it official. On 1/12/10 I weighed 274 at my doctor's with clothes on. On 1/23/10 I weighed 273 at my surgeon's office with a lot less clothes on (though not naked.) On 3/22/10 I weigh 253.3 naked. I am going to say it's close enough to call it 20 lbs. I'll never know my true starting weight (naked) but since this is what I have to go off, it's what I'm using.

And you know what? I really thought 20 lbs would be more significant. But I do still have anywhere from 80-100 left to lose depending on which side of the normal BMI I feel better at when I get there. My first goal is to get to 180 and see how I feel then.

In the meantime, what better place to work out all my issues than right here in public on my blog? Below is an excerpt from an email I wrote this morning:


I started this journey at 273 lbs on 1/12/10 when I went to my doctor for the first time and said "I'm doing it"... today I'm at 253. 20 lbs are gone, never to be seen again. And I'm having a little bit of a hard time because I don't see any difference. I thought I would see something at 20 lbs, so I'm making up excuses like I'm still bloated from surgery or I lost it all in weird places or whatever. The truth is, I bought some 16/18 exercise pants from walmart last night and a men's medium shirt and they both fit. I was wearing a 22/24 a couple of months ago so I know it's made a difference but I'm so frustrated cause I don't SEE it you know what I mean?

I think it helps to talk about this stuff. I've never actually been successful at losing more than 20-30 lbs so I have no idea what my body looks like at 240, or 220. I can only imagine but I'm afraid I'm going to be disappointed when 50 lbs are lost and it doesn't look like what I want it to.

The first day of the rest of my life

It's my first day on short term disability after using my requisite 3 sick days last week. I am like a kid in a candy store (only metaphorically, lol, don't worry) when I think about all the things I could do with my time. Topping my list are:

1. learning to live with this thing including getting in all my protein, water, vitamins each day
2. being active and having fun - dog parks, long walks, bike rides once I feel up to it
3. Finding a local psychologist and starting to see him/her
4. Making time for pampering (facials, manicures, etc.)
5. Getting stuff done around the house that I've put off too long (unpacking from the move, decorating, painting)
6. Taking a class and learning something new at a local community center. Everything from sports to music lessons to art classes - wow!
7. Go to the barn as much as humanly possible to exercise my horse (from the ground) and get him in shape for my return
8. Sample lots of new restaurants thanks to many 80% off coupons from Restaurant.com
9. Make new friends with people going through the WLS experience

I am so overwhelmed but in a good way. I still have some residual pain but I'm handling it with only tylenol now. I cannot wait until I'm 100% pain free so I can move around more. It still hurts to twist my middle at all and I avoid bending at the waist. I'm doing a lot of squatting to pick things up. Those muscles will be buff in n time!

Surgery Day +3

I slept in my own bed for the first time last night since before surgery. The first 2 nights I couldn't lay flat so I stayed on the sofa. Getting up from even a partially reclined position was hellish and I made sure Steve was around to pull me by the arms so I didn't have to use my ab muscles more than necessary. Still, every move pulled on the incisions like they were about to pop open and I avoided any movement I didn't absolutely need.

I collapsed at 8pm last night and around 3am I was too uncomfortable to stay asleep so I had Steve help me up and went over to the LoveSac. That was the best thing I could have done and I slept till about 9am very peacefully. When I finally did wake up, Steve came over to help me up and amazingly, I was able to claw my way into a sitting position without his help. This gave me the confidence to assert that today would be my humpday. And indeed it turned out to be.

I showered, got dressed, and only needed Steve to put my shoes on. We decided to head out to Annapolis with my dad to find a cigar store and then to explore the walkable downtown area. We left around 11 and made it home around 3:30. During that time, we walked for at least 2 hours but did stop for lunch and sat down for a while as well. When we went for lunch, I was feeling real hunger for the first time I could remember in days. Real, honest to goodness, got to get something inside of me hunger. I ordered cream of crab soup which I was afraid would make me sick somehow but it tasted amazing, sat well with my stomach, and before I had even finished the cup of soup, I was full. I even ate it slowly enough that I still had soup left when Steve was done with his burger and Dad was done with his grilled salmon Caesar salad. I was impressed with myself for being able to eat so slowly without even trying that hard.

After lunch we continued to walk around Annapolis and eventually we were all pretty pooped and came home, where I've been checking the interwebs and updating the blog ever since. Been sipping on some 50/50 applejuice/water, which tastes so good (it's amazing how after weeks on nothing but soups the most un-exotic things have such an appeal.)

Ah... life is good. Or at least getting better. I really had 3 days where I was asking myself what the hell I had just done. And why I ever had thought going through surgery was a good idea. I think my humpday is almost over and it only gets better from here.