Over the hump?

I'm now in the middle of day 4 (modified pre-op diet) and I feel like I might have made it out the other side. I certainly don't want to get too cocky about it, rather I'm just grateful that constant, gnawing, "can't sleep, can't think" hunger seems to have subsided. Sure, I've been hungry today but I have had my protein shakes, water, water, water, some soup, and more water now, and I'm doing ok. And on top of all that, I spent 4 hours out at the barn moving nonstop and then went to Walmart. I'm finally home at 4:00 (left home at 9am) and I stepped on the scale to find myself 6lbs lighter than I was 4 days ago when I started the pre-op diet. Not sure if it's cause I'm dehydrated at the moment (I've been peeing more than my horse) but I'm hoping it's real, honest-to-goodness loss of weight considering I've been living on nearly nothing for a few days. I will be switching to only clear broths on Wednesday for the final week before surgery. I've been doing these creamy soups from Wholefoods like basil tomato and portabello mushroom. And even though they have no actual chunks of anything (I wish!) they are still 70 calories per serving rather than 10 like chicken broth. I'm hoping I can make the switch and last that final week. If nothing else, this experience has put it firmly into my mind what it feels like to be hungry for real. It reminds me of when I did medifast - a 900 calorie a day diet - and lost 17 lbs in a month. Of course, I couldn't keep that up (after a while hunger is just too much for me) but the good thing about being this hungry is it puts all those other times into perspective. I think I may go back to liquids for a couple of days a month, each month after surgery just to remind myself of this feeling. Right now, I would KILL for something as small as plain deli turkey, or a grilled chicken breast with no spices. Screw that, I'd kill for some canned tuna, which I don't even like! Funny how things like chocolate, cookies, ice cream, and candy bars are nowhere on my mind. I may have just found the secret to keeping myself on the wagon with the band. Learn to appreciate being able to eat food again and not take it for granted that I can have anything anytime I want it.

I guess that's food for thought today.

Adventures in online Forum-land

I signed up for Obesityhelp.com about a month ago and it's been an "entertaining" experience. One woman in particular is REALLY bitter about her lapband not working and she has had a lot of success since upgrading to a more drastic procedure called a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. I'm really happy for her that she found success but she is absolutely obnoxious when it comes to the message boards. Here's a discussion we recently got into. I now refuse to engage with her. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

PLEASE NOTE: This is really long and may not be interesting to anyone but me, so feel free to skip over and move on to other posts.


Original Post by random person:

I wish there was a "poll" option on here..

I would love for you to post "Love IT!" if you love your band or "Hate It!" (or hated it if it was removed)....and some of your favorite and least favorite things about the band. If you hate or hated it, please tell me why.

I'm not banded yet, but looking forward to knowing my date thursday. :)

This was followed by a couple of pages of positive responses from people all saying how much they loved their bands and how it had changed their lives. So BitterBander (that's what I'm going to call her) could handle that. She marches in AND posts in the VSG forums (where many failed lap banders end up after the revise to the VSG) and brought over a bunch of people with her.

She comes in with:

Hated it.

There was nothing I liked about it.

I hated:

Never having a sweet spot
Puking in more ways than I knew were possible
Getting stuck
Constant aftercare
Highest regain of all procedures
Esophageal damage forever
Reflux
The port sticking out like a tumor when I got to goal
Expense
Sliming
Embarrassing to puke, slime, and foam in public situations
Port pain

Shall I continue?

I have a sleeve now.

Some other people chimed in with their failures with the band (of course it wasn't any of their faults or even partial responsibility - the band was just evil.)

When I came into the thread, I was replying to someone else's post (not BitterBander):

You said:

I would say with any surgery, if it worked for you, you can't imagine it failing for anyone, and if it didn't work for you, you can't imagine it succeeding for anyone.

And I think this is the smartest thing I've seen on here in a long time.

There are tons of people for whom the band has worked wonders and tons for whom it hasn't. As much as some of the VSG revision folks are saying "this is just my experience" they also seem completely unwilling to believe the band works for anyone.

They keep quoting the 1 in 4 complication numbers but that means 3 in 4 don't have a slip or whatever the stat was.

Also, it's amazing how many people have written things indicating they had major complications with the band for months or years without getting it removed. I'm sorry, but did your doctor not allow you to have it taken out if you hadn't suffered for 6 years or were you just not willing to do that until it was THAT bad?

Personally, if I go 6 months of vomiting everyday or not being able to eat solid foods, this thing is GONE, no questions asked. That's not the way it's supposed to work and you can't really blame the band for hanging on for any number of years unsuccessfully.

Lastly, sure the band may not see as many people reaching "goal" but for many of us, myself included, who've never been able to lose more than 20 lbs on our own, if I could lose 50 and keep it off with a band that would be unequivocally a success in my mind.

And yeah, I know that I obviously know nothing cause I'm 2 weeks out from surgery so I can't speak for the experience of having been there yet. But I look forward to sharing what happens once I am there.

And BitterBander comes back with:

~~There are tons of people for whom the band has worked wonders and tons for whom it hasn't. As much as some of the VSG revision folks are saying "this is just my experience" they also seem completely unwilling to believe the band works for anyone.~~

Complete nonsense. You show me where anyone has claimed or inferred the band does not work for anyone in this thread.

~~They keep quoting the 1 in 4 complication numbers but that means 3 in 4 don't have a slip or whatever the stat was.~~

More nonsense. Nobody claimed 1 in 4 have complications (It's actually a higher number). What WAS claimed is that 1 in 4 have the band removed in the first 5 years. Another 1 in 4 need a 2nd surgery to fix a mechanical problem with the band in the first 5 years. "Complications" are on top of that.

~~Also, it's amazing how many people have written things indicating they had major complications with the band for months or years without getting it removed. I'm sorry, but did your doctor not allow you to have it taken out if you hadn't suffered for 6 years or were you just not willing to do that until it was THAT bad?~~

I was constantly told HERE that I was doing something wrong and not following the rules. That was 3 years ago and in those days life here was much much different from what it is now. I actually believed this in the beginning. I thought I wasn't chewing my protein shakes well enough, that is quite literally what I was told. But that's a different story.

I did think it was me, I thought I was doing something wrong. I was losing weight and I wasn't willing to go back to being fat. When I got to the point that I couldn't eat solids at all with an unfilled band then I revised.

The long term stats on the sleeve just came out 2 years ago. When I was banded I was not willing to get fat again. I did not want malabsorption, and what was left? When the long term stats came out on the sleeve I had surgery within 2 weeks. Can you comprehend going through all that banded nonsense just to have it removed and regain 132#? With time you'll see that you'd give your eye teeth to maintain weight loss.

~~Personally, if I go 6 months of vomiting everyday or not being able to eat solid foods, this thing is GONE, no questions asked. That's not the way it's supposed to work and you can't really blame the band for hanging on for any number of years unsuccessfully.~~

HAHA! We'll see. When you get a taste of thin there is no going back. Put yourself in our shoes, you lose weight and your options (at that time) were remove the band and get fat again or have malabsorption. What would you choose? Remember, you are at goal. Those were my choices in the beginning.

It's easy to say what you would do but you really haven't been in our shoes. Tell me specifics of the head stuff you'll go through in your near future. You can't because you haven't been there and you don't know how YOU will do with head issues until you go through it. This is exactly what you are suggesting to us, we were somehow wrong for not being willing to regain or have a surgery type we didn't want.

~~Lastly, sure the band may not see as many people reaching "goal" but for many of us, myself included, who've never been able to lose more than 20 lbs on our own, if I could lose 50 and keep it off with a band that would be unequivocally a success in my mind.~~

That's you, most of us would like to get down to goal.

~~And yeah, I know that I obviously know nothing cause I'm 2 weeks out from surgery so I can't speak for the experience of having been there yet~~

More true than you realize.

So I respond:

Complete nonsense. You show me where anyone has claimed or inferred the band does not work for anyone in this thread.

Ok, how about this one, from you? I don't have anymore hope for the band. They have actually been trying to make it work for 40 years and so far... nada. :o(

If "so far...nada" doesn't imply that the band doesn't work and never has/never will, then I'm not sure what you were trying to say.

I'm not knocking your VSG, seriously, if my insurance covered it I would probably go with it. However, I have to take what I can get right now to try to improve my quality of life and I find it presumptuous that you think you know me so well that you can't take me at face value when I say that if my quality of life goes down drastically due to the band then I'm getting it removed. Or rather, that you think you know me better than I know myself just because you know the way you think.

Maybe I am not the typical patient here because I actually have a great life, a long term partner, an amazing career, friends, and happiness, but I just feel limited physically by my weight and would like to overcome that. Being fat is not the end of the world for me. I've been fat for the 26 years I've been on this planet and I love my life. Why would I choose to live with constant vomiting and all those other things just to be skinny?

Maybe some people with low self esteem and disordered thought patterns would prefer to be constantly ill and thin but I would take healthy and fat any day. And yes, the 2 are possible to have together despite what most of the world would like you to think. Try reading "Rethinking Thin" by Gina Kolada for some very interesting research on the real correlation between weight and health vs. activity level and health.

The ONLY reason I'm doing this surgery is cause I've been unsuccessful in losing weight through normal means and I feel like weight is holding me back from my passions. Not that I'm unhappy the way I am, I just think I'd be happyER 50-100 lbs lighter. Maybe for those that had a skinny life and gained a lot at some point it's really important to get back to a BMI below 25 but I know I'm not the only one who would be ever grateful for a way to lose 50 lbs without starving myself and exercising to the point of exhaustion which is the only way my body will allow any weight to drop - and it's never been anything more than 20lbs or so before I am defeated and gain it back.

I've been on this site for a month or 2 at the most and I totally GET your issues with the band. And I'm not denying there are downsides to it and that it doesn't work for lots of people. But you give the impression that it is pointless to try, ignore the many successful longterm folks with it, and basically blame the band for anyone who it doesn't work for.

Not everyone who fails with the band is to blame, obviously, it's NOT FOR EVERYONE. But you also can't claim that everyone who fails with the band is completely blameless. There are people who cheat with it, there are people who refuse to exercise, there are people who don't follow the rules, there are people who keep getting more and more fills to try to get the band to "work" rather than abstaining from high calorie drinks, alcohol, and following the basic how-to's of the band - and then you see them here complaining about acid reflux and not being able to get anything down.

I don't have anything against you personally, so please don't take it that way, but I cannot believe a woman as intelligent as you is unable to see how your style of communicating about this issue comes off as malicious and insensitive, not to mention completely dismissive of anyone who does have success with the band.

And she responds:

~~ Ok, how about this one, from you? I don't have anymore hope for the band. They have actually been trying to make it work for 40 years and so far... nada. :o( ~~

Without all the complications? No, I don't have hope for the band. First they had the mesh band, that didn't work. Then they had the non adjustable band, that didn't work. Then they came up with the small adjustable band, that didn't work. Now they have the mega huge adjustable band and lots of people struggle just to get restriction. Top that off with the same slips, erosions, band intolerance, mechanical problems, dilations, etc., how is it better?

Sure, the band works for some people, it works for most folks short term. Long term? Not so much. What do you consider success? Losing weight or keeping it off? Some are so tired of being obese that they will see short term only and focus on just getting it off, not keeping it off.

~~Why would I choose to live with constant vomiting and all those other things just to be skinny? ~~

You didn't read what I wrote. I explained it in detail. My choices were...

Getting fat again not an option.
Malabsorption also not an option
Sleeve there were no long term stats and it was thought it wouldn't do well. Well, it did so I revised.

Let us not forget that MOST people do not have WLS benefits on their insurance. Self pays... many times they cannot afford to have the band removed let alone revise to another surgery type. They spend every dime they have AND they go into debt just getting the band. Removing it is not always an option. You can sit there and preach all you want about what YOU would do if you were in that position but you are not in the same position as everyone.

~~Maybe some people with low self esteem and disordered thought patterns would prefer to be constantly ill and thin but I would take healthy and fat any day. And yes, the 2 are possible to have together despite what most of the world would like you to think. Try reading "Rethinking Thin" by Gina Kolada for some very interesting research on the real correlation between weight and health vs. activity level and health.~~

Maybe try getting to goal and working through your head issues and get back to me.

~~I've been on this site for a month or 2 at the most and I totally GET your issues with the band. And I'm not denying there are downsides to it and that it doesn't work for lots of people. But you give the impression that it is pointless to try, ignore the many successful longterm folks with it, and basically blame the band for anyone who it doesn't work for. ~~

One of my concerns with the band is the attitude of some people. They believe less invasive means safer. Long term it most certainly does not mean safer long term. I can't count the number of times I've read posts where people write... well, if it doesn't work then I'll just revise to another surgery type. Do you know how dangerous that is? Revising from a band.. the only thing to revise to involves a staple line. After being banded your stomach has a lot of scar tissue and adhesions, this means that revising to *anything* triples your risk for leaks, perforations, and bleeding. That increases mortality stats, that's a big deal.

Doesn't it make more sense to get the right long term surgery to begin with?

~~Not everyone who fails with the band is to blame, obviously, it's NOT FOR EVERYONE. But you also can't claim that everyone who fails with the band is completely blameless. There are people who cheat with it, there are people who refuse to exercise, there are people who don't follow the rules, there are people who keep getting more and more fills to try to get the band to "work" rather than abstaining from high calorie drinks, alcohol, and following the basic how-to's of the band - and then you see them here complaining about acid reflux and not being able to get anything down. ~~

You are preaching to the choir. I'm about as "in your face, blunt, look at what you are doing to yourself," as they come. Ask anyone. ;o) I'm at goal, I want everyone to experience what I have. Freedom from fat! It's the most mega huge great fantabulous feeling in the world! These issues happen with all surgery types. Some are not ready for surgery, some are in denial, some have emotional issues on top of an eating disorder, and I think some have the disease worse than others.

~~I don't have anything against you personally, so please don't take it that way, but I cannot believe a woman as intelligent as you is unable to see how your style of communicating about this issue comes off as malicious and insensitive, not to mention completely dismissive of anyone who does have success with the band. ~~

You see it that way but non banded people don't. Interesting, eh? Especially people that can comprehend the good AND the band (long term stats) of banding, those that have been through all this years ago.

Look, you haven't been here long enough to see what seriously rabid people about banding are like. You haven't been here long enough to see when the DSers invade and attempt to take over this very board. They start threads on the band board talking about the laff band, the choke chain... they make fun of newbie post ops laughing and telling them they will never get to goal.

How many non-banded people come over here to battle DSers and fight for the rights of people to get any damn surgery type they want? I am here every single time.

So although I don't have anything against you, you have no freak'en clue what you are talking about. I'm sick to death of the ignorant comment... the band will work if you work the band, or... if you follow the rules you WILL succeed. Bah... total horseshit. I don't recall seeing the 2nd comment by anyone other than newbies. Those who have time with the band have a much better understanding of everything. What about acid reflux? Want an example of that? I have 2 friends that currently have unfilled bands and they can't sleep in a bed, they have to sleep in a chair because they wake up choking on acid. One of my friends has chronic nose bleeds because stomach acid has burned out her sinuses. She has NO money to have the band removed. Another friend... wakes up in the middle of the night unable to breathe because stomach acid is blocking her airway. She describes having to throw herself up against a wall to clear her airway. Again... no money to have the band removed, she too, was self pay.

Another friend... she revised to a sleeve for the same reason. She never had enough restriction to help her with weight loss so she was never too tight. Yet she slept in a chair for a year and finally got the $ together to go to Mexico for a revision surgery. She had her band in the US but couldn't afford US revision prices.

Remember, most do not have WLS benefits, they are on their own. My ins would have covered my band but I didn't want to jump through hoops to have it done locally so I went to MX and besides, I wanted a very specific doctor anyway. But I am more than lucky that I can afford self pay for the band, all the complications, and revision to a sleeve. In this economy most are not as lucky as I am. It's easy peasy for you to sit there on your high horse saying what YOU would do, but you have ins that will pay for complications.

Hopefully with time you will learn more about these issues. Please, keep reading, you need the information.

And then me (looking back at this I cannot believe I was still engaging with her!!)
Do you also go to the RNY boards and tell them that their surgery is not safe and effective because people have died from it? Just wondering.

~~Why would I choose to live with constant vomiting and all those other things just to be skinny? ~~

You didn't read what I wrote. I explained it in detail. My choices were...

Actually I did read what you wrote. I wasn't referring to your choices, I was referring to your opinion that *I* would choose to suffer all those complications and stay thin - which is completely not true. Hence why I asked why *I* would choose to live with constant vomiting, etc. just to be skinny.

Ever think that going to Mexico might have been the reason you had so many complications? I'm not saying it is, just that surgeries performed long distance with the inability to follow up with that surgeon on a regular basis might have a small correlation with complications.

I love how just because you reached your goal weight you are so self riteous to anyone who might not share the same goals as you (even though you did it through being sick and not actually being able to eat solid foods and all the things that are not supposed to be happening while losing with the band - rather than saying f-it to losing weight and trying to get healthy again) - I am happy to not be of the same opinion of someone who would go through all that rather than (dear lord!) be fat again. And yeah, I'll be sure to let you know a few months and years down the road how I'm doing.

And then her:

~~Do you also go to the RNY boards and tell them that their surgery is not safe and effective because people have died from it? Just wondering.~~

I don't have any personal experience with RNY but when people ask... yes, I do tell them I am not pro RNY but not because people have died from it. Because it has a high failure rate, people do not understand they will not malabsorb calories forever but they will malabsorb nutrition forever. I also tell them stomas dilate and then there is nothing to do but revise to another surgery type. Bypass has a higher success rate than banding and it's the best cure for diabetes and reflux.

~~Ever think that going to Mexico might have been the reason you had so many complications? I'm not saying it is, just that surgeries performed long distance with the inability to follow up with that surgeon on a regular basis might have a small correlation with complications.~~

You sure make a lot of silly assumptions. Have you considered educating yourself on topics before spewing forth misinformation? What in the world makes you think I didn't have regular aftercare with my surgeon? I live in Arizona, do you know where Mexico is in relation to Arizona? I'll bet you $1000 I saw my surgeon more regularly than you will see yours. Did YOU ever think it might have just been the band?

~~I love how just because you reached your goal weight you are so self riteous to anyone who might not share the same goals as you (even though you did it through being sick and not actually being able to eat solid foods and all the things that are not supposed to be happening while losing with the band - rather than saying f-it to losing weight and trying to get healthy again) - I am happy to not be of the same opinion of someone who would go through all that rather than (dear lord!) be fat again. And yeah, I'll be sure to let you know a few months and years down the road how I'm doing.~~

You know, you are nothing short of ignorant. There, I wrote it. Sheer ignorance.

I have probably written 100x on this very board that with my issues I could either eat a porterhouse steak or I couldn't swallow my own spit with the same fill level. For you to sit there and whine like a freak'en little baby and make more stupid ass assumptions about my weight loss makes you look ignorant, petty, and jealous.. For you to pull shit out of your ass and then make it sound like you have a clue about what you are talking about makes you look like the ignorant person you are.

I busted my ass to lose weight, I did not do it by puking. Regardless if I could eat a huge meal or not I kept my calories at 600 daily and I did 1-2 hours of hard cardio DAILY. Ask Krista, she will likely remember. I was running 10 miles a day towards the end of my weight loss. How many miles to you haul your butt out and run daily?

Can't help but to see the envy and jealousy you have that someone is at goal and well.. you aren't.

Your stupid arguments do nothing but prove my point time and time again.

So then I write (and yeah I KNOW this is bad but I had to!!)

Lol... Not sure what else to say to this one.

I'm happy that you're happy and I'm looking forward to my own successes with WLS as you've had.

And you're right, I don't run. It's kind of hard given I'm paralyzed below the waist but that's why horseback riding is so rewarding. Really gives that sense of freedom.

And finally her. I let her have the last word because I think it's funny to make her think she's "won":

There are plenty of other exercises you could be doing instead of throwing temper tantrums on line.

Oh, I REALLY wanted to say something back to that, like about her being delusional but I couldn't devote any more energy to it.

Days 2 and 3

From Livejournal March 6th, 2010

So, if day 1 was "so far so good" then day 2 was "ready to give up."

I don't want to piss and moan about it here cause in the end, it's my choice and I need to live with it, but man it was a crappy day. I was miserably hungry the whole day no matter what I ate (well, drank) and I peed twice an hour from 10am-midnight and then once more in the middle of the night. Then, it was a friend's bday so we went to her house for dinner/cake neither of which I could eat but she would have been upset if I didn't go. So I toughed it out and I survived and do feel better for not having given up.

Day 3 has been much better, though I'm still quite hungry. I left home at 11 and ran errands and went to the barn and just got back at 4. I've had a protein shake, an odwalla soy drink, and some cream of mushroom soup. I'm supposed to be on only broths, not soup, but I think I'll switch to broth only at the 1 week mark (3/10.) Being on only liquids, even tasty soups, is still really hard. The only thing that's helping me feel better is knowing I only have 7 days of work left before I get a month off - which I never expected to be possible.

Day 1

From Livejournal March 4th, 2010:

It's 5:30 pm and I've eaten 932 calories today: all of them liquid. And you know what? It hasn't been THAT bad. I'm sure the first few days will be the worst as far as being hungry goes and after that I'll probably get tired of the same stuff, but I'm encouraged by the facts that a) I'm not going out of my mind, b) I've been able to work and concentrate reasonably well, c)I'm not all that much more hungry than I am when I eat normal solid food, and d) I'm really looking forward to a chocolate/peanut butter/banana smoothie for dinner tonight.

Life is good! I'm not counting calories for any reason except my own curiosity to see how much liquids it takes to keep me full and functional. And on top of all this, someone put out a tray of gourmet brownies that I had to pass by all day every time I walked anywhere and I wasn't tempted in the slightest. I'm going to wholefoods after work to stock up on more whey powder, soups, and maybe some different juices.

Oh, and I tried special k protein water mix and it wasn't that bad but the 5 grams of protein did not in fact "take the edge off" my hunger like the box promises.

1 day (almost) down and 12 more to go as I forge towards my "lucky" day. It's gonna be St. Patrick's day after all.

2 weeks from today!

From Livejournal March 3rd, 2010:

Today was supposed to be the start of my liquid diet (2 weeks from today, I'm in the hospital having surgery.) But, my new boss's-boss wanted to take me out to lunch to get to know me and this was the only day she could do it so I decided to postpone rather than have a weird, non eating lunch. I told her about my plans and she is very understanding, so starting tomorrow it's 13 days of liquids before the surgery and then 2 more weeks of them afterward before I move to pureed foods.

Got some good news a few days back... When applying for short term disability (STD, lol) my surgeon gave me 30 days off work and amazingly work is understanding and we're working on hiring our intern to fill in for me for the month.

This means a) I don't have to and in fact won't be allowed to worry about work from March 17 - April 17th and b) that I'll have lots more free time than I've ever had before. I may not be able to drive for a couple of weeks so I am looking for people who want to come hang out or pick me up and go places once I'm feeling well enough. Hopefully there will be a few people interested so I don't spend a month sitting at home alone. I'm also hoping I'll be cleared to drive after 2 weeks. I have a post-op appointment on 3/31 that I will probably have to be driven to but should find out at that point if I'm cleared for driving.

So, I'll be wanting to do things to keep moving like taking walks, maybe (window)shopping, etc. Also, if you're one of the people who has ridden or wants to ride Helo, I will be offering that and even teach you if you pick me up and drive me to the barn.

I don't know what else to do other than read, watch movies, hang out with friends, and relax for my recovery time. Damn... I should have looked into that whole medical tourism thing more beforehand cause I could have done this in Mexico.

Open letter to friends

From my Livejournal February 18th, 2010:

Dear Friends,

If you're reading this, it means I know you well enough that I think you'd care. I culled down my friends list for this one (and was amazed at how many people I had on there that I barely know.) Not that all of you are people I see every day, by any means, but enough that I wanted to share some big and life changing news. It's not that this is going to be a secret, though, so don't feel like it's something you can't mention next time you see me in public.

I have decided to undergo LAP-Band surgery in order to help me lose weight - a venture that I have been unsuccessful with on my own since I was 9 years old. Not even kidding, my mom took me to weight watchers with her for the first time when I was nine and then we did Atkins together. Thus begin my life of dieting... It's no wonder, looking back, that my relationship with food has been a weird one. I'm (about to be) 26 now and I've overcome a LOT of issues in my life - or at least worked through most of them to the point of being functional even if I'm still a bit neurotic. I've been thinking about having some sort of weight loss surgery since I was 18 and my endocrinologist who I saw for PCOS told me I should look into it. My parents were so opposed to it and I put it out of my mind for a while but it's always been back there, percolating. In December of '09 I had an epiphany. I guess it was what people call getting knocked over the head by a cosmic 2x4. I realized I had to do it and I set into motion the process of doing so.

I have barely told anyone about it, though a few of my friends know. I've gotten mostly positive reactions. My mind is made up, so please, if you don't or can't support my decision, I'd rather not hear discouragement or reasons why you think it's wrong. My reasons are very personal to me and have nothing to do with wanting to be thin for any sort of aesthetic purpose.

I want to say this here and I will continue to say this, I love people no matter what their size or weight and many of my friends are fat and most of my closest friends are. I can't say this enough - this has nothing to do with you, or me judging you, or me feeling like I am better than you, or that you'd be better if you were thin. It's very important that people understand I am doing this for myself for personal mental and physical health reasons and because it's what I have long felt would be the right choice for me. I promise to never turn into a weight loss evangelist or tell you that you'd be better off following in my footsteps. There's no guarantee with this that I'll even lose any amount of weight but I am determined to take full advantage of it and I believe I will reach my goals.

I have been in the process for nearly 3 months now and I just found out that my insurance approved and I've been assigned a surgery date of March 17th. I have to be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks prior and 2 weeks after, so I probably won't be in the best mood, BUT, I would love it if people wanted to come and visit me starting on 3/18 in the afternoon when I'm home from the hospital. My surgery is at 7:45 am on the 17th so I'll be let out sometime in the morning on the 18th. I will probably be staying home from work the following Mon-Fri cause I don't know how quickly I'll be off pain killers and able to drive and besides, why would I want to deal with work bullshit when I can barely eat anything and am going to be grumpy anyway? My boss is very understanding, luckily!

The day it all started

This is from my Livejournal on 12/29/09. This was a private post that I eventually released to a few close friends.

Being fat is no less a part of me than having brown hair. I cannot remember life without it. My earliest memories revolve around being "the fat kid" in school. I remember swimming at summer camp and being made fun of because I made bigger splashes than the other girls. I remember being 8 years old at horse camp and not being able to share riding clothes with the rest of the girls who swapped them back and forth for show day. I was too large. My mom, dad, both sets of grandparents, and all of my auntsm uncles and cousins have struggled with weight. Some have won, some have not, and some have developed eating disorders. To say that my family has food issues would be an understatement. In my family, your worth is often based on your weight and because I was the largest of them all, I also became the highest achiever in other areas. I made straight A's in school, took advanced classes, left Alabama for a world class university, graduated with honors, and all the while remained fat despite all my attempts to take control and succeed in that area of life as much as I had been able to in others.

My first memory of consciously attempted weight loss was when my mom and I did weight watchers together, followed shortly thereafter by the atkins diet. I was 8 years old. But even before that, food was constantly an issue. My mom used it as a punishment and reward, and overall a means of control. If I was good or if she was in a good mood we could have ice cream. If I was not, or she was feeling particularly fat herself that day, I'd be told I could have fruit. My relationship with food got messed up very early on in this way. I also wasn't "athletic" as deemed by the school gym teacher. I couldn't run like the other kids, always picked last for teams, and the only thing I ever took comfort in was my horseback riding.

My entire life up through college was just more of the same. I definitely felt shameful about my body, I can admit I felt hideous and unlovable just because I was fat. And again, attempts to lose weight just didn't work. My weight loss/gain cycle is as follows. I would get very motivated to lose weight, join a program, follow it to the letter for a month, 2 months, 3 months, usually 3 months was the maximum I could stand. When I say follow it to the letter, I'm not kidding. I would not cheat and I would count calories, carbs, fat, whatever the rules, and exercise to the extreme. To give a couple of examples:

When I was 16 our physical education teacher gave us all copies of a meal and exercise plan. It was restricted to 1600 calories a day for the first couple of weeks, going down to 1400 and then 1200 by the end of the 6 week period. When you made it through 6 weeks you were supposed to repeat it until you lost as much as you needed to. I followed this meal plan and exercised with both cardio (eliptical machine) and strength training about 6 hours a week (I would go straight from 2 hour gym class to 1 hour with my own personal trainer that my dad paid for) and on top of that jogged at least a mile everyday around my neighborhood. Often I would jog 2. At the end of a few months of this I had lost a little bit of weight. MAYBE 20 lbs, but all the while I was miserable, tired, hungry... and it was so frustrating. I gave up the plan and went back to "normal" and within a month I had gained back what I'd lost and more.

When I was 18, the summer before college, I went to fat camp in Massachusettes. It was called Camp Kingsmont and I was a counselor but I followed the camper's diet 100%. At camp, from 8am till 10pm or later, we didn't stop moving. We hiked, ran, played soccer, swam, rode horses (the class I taught which means lots of running around the ring with the little kids) and on top of that we were limited to 1200 calories a day plus a salad buffet with no dressings. I think I lost 30lbs in the 2 months I was there but again, it was not a way of life that could be sustained when I entered college that fall. It wasn't even a way of life that could be sustained unless I'd continued to live at camp for the rest of my life. Within 2 weeks of starting college, none of my new clothes fit me anymore.

When I was 20 I decided to do "Medifast" which my mom had done when I was younger. The plan was you can eat these pouches that are about 100 calories each, so you get some milkshakes, some bars, that kind of thing. Overall, you're eating 900 calories a day but if you're not being supervised by a physician then you are supposed to eat 1 lean protein and vegetable meal for dinner to give you about 1400 calories a day. I followed this religiously for a month and lost 17 lbs. Then something happened with my apartment and my living situation became unstable and I couldn't continue it (couldn't find the dedication with the crisis I was in at that time) so I tried to just eat healthy and of course gained back everything I'd lost plus more.

These are only 3 examples of my major attempts to lose weight. They are they only times I can remember success, if you can call it that. I've done South Beach, Atkins, Weight Watchers, Nutri-System, counted calories, counted carbs, taken Xenical, Hydroxycut, tried to be anorexic and bullemic as a teenager but it didn't work for more than a day and I never could actually get myself to throw up. I've been riding horses (which includes hours of barn chores and heavy lifting) since I was 8 years old or younger... I worked out with a personal trainer twice a week for 2 of my high school years, I took up jogging and got as far as 3 miles at my most fit (but still not anywhere near thin.) I rode my bicycle 20 minutes each way to work and back for nearly a year while living in Miami, plus rode it everywhere else around town that I didn't need a car for. I've taken kickboxing, step aerobics, circuit training, tai-bo, yoga, latin dance, swing dance, and country line dancing, and not just for a week or two. I've done all of these for months at a time, often on top of each other so I was exercising 4 days a week or more and always trying to "watch what I ate" and I've never been able to lose anything without nearly starving myself and exercising to exhaustion. I know that someone reading this will just think that I've done it all wrong. Moderation is key, right? I should stop with the extreme stuff and just stick with something simple and slow. Tried that too, my whole, entire life has been one failed attempt at just "eating right and exercising" and what works for apparently everyone else only causes me to gain more and more weight. In fact, each time I take up a new exercise activity, I'm even hungrier than normal and even when I try to focus that hunger just on lean proteins, it never fails - I gain weight from being active.

For the past 6 months I have been eating as much as I can in fresh fruits and vegetables, organic stuff, whole grains, etc. For breakfast most days I have a shake made from whey protein, soy milk, and skim milk. For lunch I have a salad with spinach, romaine, some cheese, and cottage cheese, and sometimes a lean protein on it. For snacks I have fruit or whole grain sprouted bread with lowfast cheese melted on it. For dinners I cook on the grill, make wholewheat pasta with turkey sauce, or a caserole or something in the crock pot. I don't sit around eating junk food all the time, though I have my moments. Yes, there are many moments when I just can't bother to care because what does it matter? I will always be hungry, I will always be fat, and I will always fail at losing weight. I have also been continuing to ride my horse, my bicycle, and took up rock climbing with my boyfriend. Over the years I've learned that I'm actually a lot more athletic than I ever would have imagined and in a way that's the primary factor behind why I'm seeking surgery now. I have long since accepted that normal diets (and even extreme/abnormal ones) don't work for me. I had a series of relationships between age 20-22 that allowed me to come out of my shell and embrace my body as beautiful the way it is. I really believe that too. I look in the mirror and most of the time think I'm pretty hot and sexy. Like every female, I have my days when I don't but for the most part I do. And that might sound like I'm delusional but really, I do love my body and if I didn't feel like I had to, then I wouldn't want to change it one bit. So why do I "have to" ? I feel trapped. I love the things I do, I love riding my horse and bike and rock climbing with my boyfriend and I want to take things to higher levels, maybe become competitive or build higher endurance. And I just can't in this body, no matter how much I want to do a lot of things. My body is holding me back from having the most full life I can. Intellectually, I'm fine. I have a great relationship and job and really can't complain, but I'm really ready to shed all this baggage from the past including the physical embodiment of it, and move forward. I don't think losing weight will "fix" everything but really, I don't have too much that needs fixing. I have by all measures a wonderful and fulfilling life, I just think I'd be happier and healthier in the long run if I could lose some weight and if you've read this far, you know that it just isn't going to happen for me without a more dramatic step.

The first time I thought about weight loss surgery was when I was 18. The NYU endocrinologist I went to for my PCOS told me that I would be a good candidate. My parents nixed that right away...I was too young, hadn't tried it enough on my own yet, and they thought it was too dangerous. Now I'm glad that I didn't have gastric bypass, I think it would have been too extreme to do at age 18 but lap band is a lot safer and the technology has improved in the past nearly-8 years. I look all around me and I see people being successful at their weight loss and I think I'm ready to accept that I can be too. Maybe not through traditional routes but I am willing to do what it takes when I'm given the chance to do something that will really work for me.